Springfleurs
Are you now planning to divorce him?. You certainly have many grounds to do so. At the very least I would not have him visit your home at all or allow him to drink alcohol in your house. This becomes an alcohol free zone. Your rule of him drinking only after the children have done to bed is also enabling behaviour on your part but enabling only gives a false sense of control. "Rules" like that too are only made to be broken.
All men certainly don't drink and certainly not to the extent that he does. Again this is denial within him talking here and denial is a powerful force with the alcoholic.
His primary relationship first and foremost is with drink. Everything and everyone else is a lot further on down the list even if you all figure on it.
He may well hold down a job (well currently at least, he sounds like a functioning alcoholic) but there is no guarantee this will continue. You write that he has lost jobs before now because of this.
He is an your for extremely good reasons, ex's often are. He would continue to emotionally harm you and your children were he to stay with you permanently along with dragging you all down with him. You have not split up this family, he broke this family by his actions.
This comment of yours is also very telling and is very true:-
"By the time he has sorted himself out by dc will be grown up and absorbed all the toxicity of living with a drinker"
However, there are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still continue to drink. Children of alcoholics parents can also go on to meet alcoholic partners themselves as adutls and become super responsible for the alcoholic.
You are also NOT, repeat NOT (x 1 million) responsible for him and his alcoholism; he chose to act this way and you did not make him an alcoholic. You did not "trap" him. He is projecting all his faults and problems onto you and is in denial of his problem (he does not think his alcoholism is a problem because he does not drink spirits!). Its tragic, his way of thinking and shows how deluded he actually is.
He may not be showing any physical effects but internally he is being damaged by alcohol. Mentally too, I would hazard a guess that this his short term memory is becoming poorer. Yet another effect of chronic alcoholism.
Like many women in these situations you feel responsible for the alcoholic; you should not feel this way although this is easy to say but hard to put into practice. You must emotionally detach and continue to put you and your children ahead of his interests. You have doen this be separating from him. You must remain separate from him and continue to detach.
Have you talked to Al-anon; they can help you and won't judge your situation. You need real life support as well as MN.
How many of your friends know of all this, very few I would imagine. This also thrives on secrecy.
You have a choice at the end of the day. Your children have no say.