SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Calyx - I don't know your personal circumstances, but is there no other family member who could help him get this money? I fully understand it is the cost of him moving on, but once again you are bearing it - and he will have left you with the knock on issue that I am sure you could use that money just as well. If there really is no alternative, then yes, look on it in a positive affirmative way, but keep strong about how this is in YOUR interest.
This may sound harsh, but have you thought about changing locks etc once he moves out?

Thanks Maby, no only his mum and I feel it's unfair to ask her (she's unwell already) so I will manage! If I am short next month because of this, I can jiggle things about and I have a Wii and Wii fit board and some other stuff I can sell if needs be.

Fingers crossed he's out on Monday! If he won't return the keys I will get the lock changed.

Hope everyone is having a good day today xx

Calyx - that's great news that he's found somewhere. I hope he goes tomorrow without any more pain for you. Fwiw, I would have given him the money too You sound very upbeat in your posts - you're obviously very strong and will get through this and come out the other side.

I'm struggling a bit. I kicked dh out yesterday morning Something relatively innoculous happened on Friday, but it was the final straw and I snapped. He (again) refused to leave, so I took the dcs and went to my dad's. At that point he could have had the house, I just needed the pain to stop. I came back Saturday morning and persuaded him that he needed to go, it really wasn't fair on us if we had to leave. So he did. I took him to the town where his sister and some old neighbours live.

He's begging me to come back. Says he's learnt his lesson. Been here so many times. Ladies, what do I do My eldest misses him, I miss him. Hurt so much.

innocuous* sorry for random l there!

Oh Angel well done ((()))
Be strong. Remember you can't be expected to make a huge decision (eg letting him back) in only a day... Give yourself time to calm down. You have asserted your right to not have to put up with bad behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you and DC, you have done what any sane and normal person should do when you find yourself in an unbearable situation . I am proud of you! And your DH will have to stay away until you are in the right place to make your decision. You did not cause him to behave like this, he did and he is hopefully learning that there are and will be consequences if he continues to behave in an upsetting way.

It is up to him whether he chooses to learn to deal with things appropriately. You need to take care of yourself and DC until you feel better and can think about what to do next.

Thinking of you, hope you have a peaceful evening xx

Thanks Calyx. Really helps to know there are people out there who know just what I'm going through. I was so close to going and picking him up, but I didn't. Just got to keep focussing on why I'm doing this...

My dad knows of a charity who do rehab. I've tried to get him in before, but they say to commit to at least a year away so he wouldn't do it in the end. This time I've told him he either goes for at least a few weeks (he can leave whenever he likes) or it's no go. He isn't coming back until he's on the road to recovery. I've given him the number and now it's up to him. He said he rang them yesterday and there were no spaces, but surprise surprise they had some today when I rang to check

He has nowhere to live now so he may go just for a roof over his head. I don't really care why he goes, just that he does. They don't just help with the addiction, but with working as well (they run shops to raise funds for the work they do) and he really needs that. He needs help to start his life over

Anyway, enough of me. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Is he working in the day? Fingers firmly crossed there's no last minute hassle for you.

Well done for being strong and it's for him to go for the rehab place or not (sounds like a good place, I hope he sees sense and gives it a go). Keep the chin up because you have done the difficult thing and got him out! You stated your case and he got out so that you and DC could live at home. You can take as long as you need to decide what to do next. He can sort himself out if he wants, it's his decision. Good luck and keep coming back here, I'm rooting for you

I'm just sitting in my room with the laptop and iPhone. Have locked the door as him and his friend are drinking and have been since yesterday. They went out at half eleven to watch football and I was going to go to my sister's but I hadn't slept much on Saturday and decided I was too tired to go, then have to come back and deal with them being plastered. So I had a nap and then watched a film on the laptop with my headphones on. I locked my door when they got back in (swearing and drunk) and am staying here until they are asleep. His last night here and he's plastered. The two of them have been sick (toilet's across hall from my room).

He said this morning he is collecting the keys but is going to his mums tomorrow as he has a week off work. He's talking about leaving his CD's and books and stuff here until he wants to collect them (I said no but he wasn't listening). So when I come home from work tomorrow I don't know what will be happening but I'm hoping he will be out.

Hugs to all xxx

Calyx, if you're in today, get the locks changed today. Stick all his stuff outside and tell him to get it. TODAY. Don't let him in your house, or things may start going missing. Nasty thought is it's all a sham and he's drunk the deposit. really hope that's not the case.

(((Angel))) the beginning is so hard, but you know in your heart what you are doing is best for yourself and your dc. Remember they have no choice in where and how they live, that is up to you as their mother. Also, look at what you need to do financially- council tax, rent, income, child tax credits (in my experience you'll need to submit a new claim form because you're going from to single) Don't get overwhelmed, it's ok, think one step at a time. We are all walking beside you, and as a Christian, I also believe God is there besides each and everyone of us, giving us the strength when things get tough.

Hi
I just wanted to say huge huggles to everyone. I will come back and post individual messages soon but am desperately trying to use time dd asleep to revise as I have an exam in a month which I have to get a good mark on but wanted to pop in and see how everyone was.
Calyx - especial huge hugs to you - what a disastrous last night your dh put you through - I echo Ready and get those locks changed today.
Spk soon
Lala x

Hmm well left for work 7.30am, him and his mate were crashed out on the sofa and chair. I have just got in and... They are STILL crashed out on the sofa and chair

Sigh.

I woke him at 6 saying you'll need to get the keys for your new flat. Ten minutes later I heard him and his friend open a can each. I went back through and said
'well you were supposed to be out when I got back. You weren't. You're not even packed. You aren't going to sit here drinking all night. You've done that for the past three nights. I've been too soft. And now you're just taking the piss'. I just came back through to my room. 15 mins later, the two of them have gone out. I called through 'what's the plan?' and he said he's 'going out to phone the guy and collect the key's. I said 'and what then?' but he just said 'then I'll take it from there'.

I. Just. Want. Him. Out.

'keys' not 'key's'. Bloody iPhone autocorrect isn't even correct!

Oh Calyx I'm so sorry. ((())) It's a few hours now since you posted, desperately hope you're sat in your home alone and starting the rest of your life xx

Great news from me is that dh got a place at the charitable rehab. He has to go tomorrow, my dad is taking him. We won't be able to communicate for at least the first couple of weeks and then it's once a week phone calls and then eventually once a month visits. I am feeling really positive for the first time in years. He's saying all the right things about committing to it..... Have never got this far before, please let it work out this time.

Thanks for the practical advice Ready. I hadn't thought of council tax. Unfortunately I don't qualify for tax credits anyway. Just about the only advantage of him being long term unemployed is that him not being here makes no difference to our finances, in fact they're better cos he isn't spending money and making phone calls.

My sister has kindly agreed to come and do my cleaning for me (I work full time and spend 2+ hours a day commuting) so that's a huge weight off my mind.

I have my family behind me, I have all of you behind me. I feel so different to how I did 48 hours ago. Long may that last.

Hey Angel :)

I'm so glad you are feeling better. And it's a bonus that he is going to the rehab place, I hope he works with it and it works for him! Keep this feeling in mind but if and when you have periods of feeling low or bad over the next few days, just do something for yourself. Anything (even just a cup of tea and a bar of chocolate - ).

I am sitting in my room again, but since he went out I've heard nothing. I don't know when or if or in what state he will come back here. I don't know if he got his keys or just went to his friend's house or what. I'm just waiting and trying to look after myself and trust in God! I'm all right though, fairly relaxed and if the worst happened and he comes in drunk, I will just lock my door again and leave him to it for the night again. If he gets aggressive I will call the police and wait in my room and see what happens next.

Good luck (to us both!) xx

I didn't hear him come in but he's sleeping on the sofa at the moment. I'm getting ready for work. Wonder if he got the keys?

Calyx- he will keep this up for as long as you let him. get the locks changed, his stuff out. Any hassle call 999, that's what they're there for. Is worth calling the non-emergency number (here it's an 0845 one, ykwim) and let them know that he's supposed to be moving out and you've changed the .locks, but anticipate he might be upset. STOP HIDING IN YOUR BLOODY ROOM, GROW A PAIR AND STOP LETTING HIM WALK ALL OVER YOU.

That's fab news Angel, I really hope he sticks to it. wrt tax credits, now you're on your own it might be worth looking at entitledto and seeing if you qualify for anything.

I can't change the locks. No cash left. I did wake him and tell him to stop taking the piss. I am working full time seeing patients and was managing to keep it together.

But 'grow a pair'? I am doing my bloody best. Sorry if I'm annoying by not being assertive but to me I am being assertive. Well as much as I can manage.

Thanks for support.

I know it's hard, it just infuriates me to see this man taking the p so much. Sorry for shouting. Are you able to replace the cylinders yourself? I know you say you've no cash left, has he taken everything? Or do you have anyone you can borrow the £30 or so a pair of cylinders would cost?

Sorry for upsetting you.

Calyx - you must be incredibly frustrated. You are so close to a big breakthrough, but it is just out of reach.
If he is still there when you get back, and if he is sober, try telling him politely but forcefully that this is not acceptable, and find out if he has the keys to the new place.
Is there only one lock on the front door?
Can you double lock it at all?
Would you be comfortable locking him out with you indoors? Deadbolt/Chain - anything like that?
Keep strong. You may have to be creative. If he has the keys on his chain, is there any way you could take them off when he is passed out, and replace them with old ones/useless ones - if you are anything like me you will probably have some old keys hanging around.
If he will not take the action he needs to, for the sake of your wellbeing you will have to push a little bit harder.

Oh Calyx I'm so sorry he's not gone yet. As if this isn't hard enough already! Could his mum come and help intervene? From the email she sent it seems like she's on your side.

Ready don't worry and thanks for trying to help me stick up for myself!

Maby thanks, that's a good idea about swapping the keys. I will change the Yale key if he's not out tomorrow.

Lala thanks for your message too (()) hope things are good at home for you, still thinking of you.

He is getting the keys and moving in tomorrow. I was calm and assertive and also told him that he had taken the piss this weekend therefore I will stop being nice about this if he doesn't move out tomorrow as he has said he will. I said I will put your stuff out and change the locks. (i could double lock the yale and put the chain on anyway) He sat and nodded. He is sober and currently not talking much.

Thanks again and I hope you are all having a good day, good luck Angel for your DH going in to rehab (that was today wasn't it? Might be wrong!) xx

It was Angel not Lala's message (keep getting things wrong as on the phone!)

Good on you for being firm with him Calyx. Hope he sticks to it this time!

Yes, it was today and he is there now My dad was picking him up at 2pm and I kept waiting for him to call or text to say 'he hasn't shown up' but it never came. Then they were booking in for absolutely ages and I was panicking that something would go wrong at the last minute and they wouldn't take him.

So I'm at home, alone with my dcs and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I have no stress. I don't have to worry if all our stuff's going to be here when I get back tomorrow or whether he'll be awake when I get home or if he'll have done dinner or passed out on the sofa.

I'm so sad, but so happy at the same time if that makes sense. I never thought this day would ever come. I'm afraid I'm going to have to get mushy for a second - I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to you all for making me so welcome here and for making me realise that I had to detach and that I was just as important in this as him. I would probably never have snapped like I did in the end if I hadn't come to that realisation.

I wish I'd known you were all here years ago, because there has been so much pain. I've wasted so much of my eldest's life hoping for something that was never going to happen because I needed to step away from it first.

I don't know what will happen now. I'm not under any illusion that his cure is a sure thing. It's up to him now, but he knows that we're here waiting and that we love him. When I first posted here I wasn't even sure if I did love him anymore, but now he's gone I miss him so much and I am so proud of him.

So thank you, all of you.

Love your last message there Angel 'no stress'... Long may it last. Good luck and well done to your DH, hope he manages to let them help him.

Keep looking after yourself, well done Angel

And I echo your thank you to everyone here for helping me too. I'm very glad that you're here (while being sad that any of us are in this situation of course) xx