SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

LST

I remember your story well and am glad you are much happier these days without your abusive ex in your day to day life.

Insanity

Please do not grow flowers in the hole you find yourself in. You can dig yourself out of the hole and there is always a way out, you need to be brave and get help from Womens Aid. You can do this and you will be supported throughout.

As LST has proven it is possible to get out and you and your children will all be a lot happier once you make the break.

Happy new year all!!!

Life is looking pretty good here too, 18mths since I fled and things just get better. we had a lovely quiet Christmas staying with the new man, was the first time I'd not cooked Christmas dinner!!! I had money to spoil my children, and they spent the day knowing they could be children and enjoy themselves

Insanity, please get out, even if you flee with very little, really, it's only stuff. Please don't do what I did and wait for one of your dc to be hurt by him. Ring Womens aid, they were fantastic for me, I spent 10mths in a refuge, and it honestly wasn't that bad, I have some fantastic friends from that time. It's ever so scary, but one day you'll look back and ask yourself what took you.

The dynamic your children are witnessing is extremely toxic, my children struggled to make sense of a normal relationship to begin with.

LST, fab to hear from you, and Ginny. How are you Princess?

Insanity, please please get yourselves to safety. That has to be the first thing that you do. It will give you and your DC valuable and safe breathing space.

Please take every care.

LST - how lovely to hear how things are for you now. I often thought of you, because I can't thank you enough for starting the first thread.

Ready - isn't it amazing when you look back and see what utter madness life was like only a year ago?

Insanity, how are things now?

Ready - so glad things are going well for you, you and your children deserve the happiness!

Lemon - it's nice to see you again, after starting this all off so long ago

Insanity - really hope you're OK... you don't have to put up with this you know... I felt trapped, partly by financial issues... but Womens Aid can assist you - it's so worth contacting them. If you needed to go to a refuge, they will help you with finding new place to live etc...

Well, here...after being in refuge for a year, being back home since Sep: ex just finished his court case ... for pushing me over in the street in front of my children, for smashing a window and coming into the house at midnight, scaring my eldest (4 at the time) stealing my phone, continuing to breach injunction, and harassing me with texts all back in October/Nov ... his punishment was drug rehab programme and attending a domestic abuse prog fro 9 months, and to pay me £200 compensation.

Was told couldn't get injunction back after last one expired as bail conditions were in place - now told the incidents too long ago to get one... however within days of court case he was texting, and turned up at door, so reported him again for harassment... but he seems so obsessive still

BUT life is still a million times better since we left

Hi Splish - Why don't they ever get the message? My ex is still being abusive and kicked off again this morning. I phone the police every time, they log it (even though it is in breach of his bail conditions) and then do nothing about it. I just hope it all comes out in court, and I get the injunction, if not I will have to really think about moving - which will be a nightmare as we love this house and places in this area are like gold dust.
He even sunk low enough to put a note through my door saying the kids had been in an accident all untrue as they were safely in school - How bloody sick to play mind games like that.
I wonder when it will all end sometimes.

Hello Splish, good to hear you're ok. It really is ridiculous the amount of crap they get away with, I'm sure the judges have no idea of how much crap they allow them to get away with. Are either of you able to do a house exchange to get away, or at least so he no longer knows your address. The peace of mind is truly something else.

Ginny, that is shocking!!! did you pass the note etc on to the police? surely that provides extra proof that he is breaking his bail conditions?

Ds is struggling, he sees a counsellor at school, and today at his session he made a card for his father. obviously he is experiencing conflicting emotions, and both the older two are beginning to create romantic notions and images of him. he has aquiesced to posting it, and I shall send it to my solicitor with the instructions to sit on it until the middle of feb which is when the court case will be totally thrown out if he hasn't tried to take it back to court. that truly will be fantastic!!!! I think the main thing to do to help him will be to help him through the grieving process, same as we grieved when we lost them to their addictions.

But life is fab! spring is springing, I can feel it as we go about our daily business, and everyday I count all my blessings, and for being free from that life. My life can no longer be controlled by all that.

Hi Ready. Poor ds. Its awful the affect this all has on the dc isn't it. My boys seem to be fine with things now - thankfully as ex is not their dad I have been able to make a clean break. His dd isn't so lucky and now we have split she feels like she has to cope with him on her own. Harsh as it is I have had to take a step back from her. She knows she can always call me to talk but I think she feels disloyal now we aren't together
I have kept the note and will give it to the police if I ever manage to get through to them. I just get stuck on voicemail every time I try and call them. They are useless!!

It is so hard isn't it. at least she knows you are there, and it will do her good to have an extra positive influence, however loosely. I grabbed the head to investigate how last Mondays session went, as ds has really stepped back with his behaviour, only now he is displaying it in school as well. he is hoarse from his screaming fit last night, I've told his class teacher she is allowed to snigger at him, as I've been doing, but in a kind way iygwim.

Do you not have a police station nearby Ginny? would it be worth popping in?

Our police station is unmanned - just an office. The guy I need to speak to is about 20 minutes drive away!!!
I'm taking it all to court with me!!!

That's a PITA. When are you next at court?

24th Feb Ready - I'm phoning 999 next time anything happens. At least they have to respond to that.

Best option really. Had an email from my sol yesterday. Xh waited until the last minute to apply for a new court date, I'd checked the order, it was due to be struck out on the 1st feb, so looks like he waited until the last week of Jan. He is so obv not interested in the dc, just trying to mess me around. Still, he has already provided so much material, I just have to sit quiet and let him nail himself to the wall.

Ready - guess that messing you about with the court is about the only way he can try and still exert some control - at least he doesn't know where you are now, so glad to hear your life is so much better now. I wouldn't have come back if could have helped it, but a bit stuck as it's my own home, and hardly a good time to try and sell now unless really have no choice.

Ginny - That's just so sickening putting that note through your door, that he can be willing to let you think something has happened to your kids I think you're right to call 999 if anything at all happens, that's what I've been told to do as well. My address is flagged up so they should respond extra quickly too. I also now have a woman's safety officer while he is on probation, who tries to assess risk to us, and also help access any support/help.

He's also posted his bank card through the door late at night and written that i need to look after it, it's vitally important for the sake of the kids, until he is strong enough to not spend it all - he spent £4.5k in January apparently. How can that be my responsibility?

Just a wee good luck for court ginnny :)

Oh thanks Calyx - bloody case has been postponed now though! Just as I'd started to get my head around it all too.

On the plus side he's still on bail so I have a little peace of mind that if he does anything I can call the police straightaway.

Was just about to add my good lucks for you too....do you have a new court date, Ginnny?

Grrrr Ginnny how annoying for you. Hope new date is soon and it's all sorted for you before too long.

Hi secretsquirrel :) hope things are going well.

And anyone else looking in, hellooo :)

Bother, was just about to add mine. Hope you have a new date soon. That is a positive, that any probs and he'll be in more crap.

Hello everyone else [smile

Aw I'm really touched that you all came on here to wish me luck - thank you - you are all lovely.
No date yet, still waiting. He seems to be staying away, spending more time at his new lush girlfriends - poor woman, I pity her, but she's as bad as him from what I've heard.

Thanks Calyx - all very well here...marvellous to think that the only thing I'm worried about now is getting an assignment done for Tues, ha ha

Ginnny, I'm glad he's staying away....for all your sakes!

Hey Ready, what are you knitting?

Well!!!!! I have hand knitted dishcloths, my friends baby had a cardi, just finished skirts for the dd's birthdays that they love, as a jumper for partners son (dss, I guess!!!!) and am about to start a jumper for ds's birthday. Also have a dress for me as a very long term project, and am planning a ballet cardi for dd1 over the summer hol, so dd2 can have dd1's!!!!! Plus I've started my next OU course, am so relieved to be back to it. Not that my OU degree will be much use if I am still being dragged through the courts by xh, but ho hum.

Oooh, have a peek

Busy bunny here, and loving it

Wow Ready I'm impressed.
Loving the

Oh Ready, they're fab!

You could go into business.....