SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

Your knitting looks gorgeous Ready (but when I click on the thumbnails it says I'm not allowed to look at the photo). Well done! I haven't got into knitting but my sis has and she's made me a gorgeous hat and scarf :) Well done!

Hope you managed your assignment in time secretsquirrel :)

Yes, I did, thanks! Up 'til 0100hrs the morning it was due in, printing it off, hoping that the ink wouldn't run out....why oh why do I do this to myself? Trouble is, evenings are the only uninterrupted time I have - hopeless during the day as the 6 hours DD is at school is always peppered with interruptions (and lunch!!).

I'm on Nights tonight so hope to get some work done on the next one....

BUMP!!!
Hope you are all OK.
Our court case has just been postponed for the THIRD time. Now it is at the end of August, a year after we split up FFS.
I was tempted to back out, as I haven't seen him for months and this will drag it all up again, but if I do, I have to retract my statement and he will see this and it will be like I was lying and he was right. Also the CPS could still press ahead with the case and I'll have to go to court anyway.
I'm so sick of it all now - its like I can't move on and be completely free of him all the time this is hanging over my head.
Grrrrr!!!!

Oh ginnny what a shame :( grrrr grrrr for you. Keep hanging on in there. Once it's over with finally, you'll be so relieved. And we'll be celebrating as well for you :)

Things with me are up and down; never as bad as when I previously posted thank heaven but he's still getting quite drunk regularly and when he does, still tries to wind me up 'for a laugh'. I'm better at detatching and not letting it affect me and it really isn't half as much/intense as before. I just leave the room (as many times as necessary!)

I hope everyone else is having a good month this month :)

Hello! Posted in MH and had a only a few helpful comments then came across this thread so wanted to post here too.

DH yesterday turned round to me and admitted he has an addiction and would like help. (Iv known this for years, and hearing this from his mouth i feel so overwhelmed and very proud of him!) He is addicted to marijuanna (Yes i know there is debate over whether someone can get adddicted to it but i've been living with this for years and boy someone can) He can "function" (i say function but you can tell he has smoked) each day when he smokes it but he does have binges at least 2-3 times a week where is he aggressive,irritable, "monging" the list is endless. He does smoke each day (and not just one) but the binges are horrendous, he will pass out at the end of it. He has lost alot of weight and just doesn't look well at all.

Countless times in the past iv told him he needs help which has been brushed off by him, so for him to admit it is a HUGE step. But, im not sure where to go from here. I don't want him going back down the route he was on i want to guide and hold his hand down the road of recovery.

We have a young child and are expecting another one on the way.

His mother knows he "smokes dope", "occasionly". She does not agree on it, though she doesn't know the full extent and DH has a feeling she wouldn't understand or be in any way supportive. (From past experience with family members dealing with MH issues her view points aren't nice)

Any advice?

Hi Madamolive and well done for posting. I haven't seen your thread in MH but didn't want you to be unanswered here!

I think it's definitely true that someone can be addicted to dope. My DH has to have it if possible but only has one or two joints throughout the week. He's definitely addicted to alcohol but if he wasn't, I'm sure the dope would take up the slack.

I don't know if there is anything you can actually do yourself to help him. Trying to be nonjudgemental and detached about my DH's drinking and occasional smoking dope has helped me though. And my DH seems to have cut down/calmed down since I've stopped shouting/nagging/threatening ad nauseum. He hasn't stopped though and my choices are: wait and see if he does, if he doesn't then decide whether to put up and shut up, or just get myself together and leave him.

It's different for you as you have children. I hope someone else can give you some advice which will help you. I have to say that detaching from the behaviour has helped ME which seems to have helped him in turn.

Good luck! :)

Oh and he could try to find an AA (I mean the equivalent of AA for people who are addicted to the weed) meeting and sponsor, I fully believe that is the only way to go if you want to stop an addiction!

I've had a look: he could check out Narcotics Anonymous UK

Why was that deleted?
I'm confused!!

I think it must have been deleted in error. It is a site for partners of addicts.
bottled-up.memberlodge.com/

The post which was deleted had a link which didn't go to that page, Minorroad. I reported it and MN emailed me saying they'd deleted it. I'm sorry if that was my mistake (but the link previously definitely didn't go to the page that your link above is now pointing to!).

PS that looks like a good page! Thank you for the link! :)

I hear you about the deception Minorroad I hope that you found the best way for you since then though.

Hi just marking my place here, married to an alcoholic, currently undergoing a 'trial separation' which I am frankly enjoying very much, although I don't think the 'rock bottom' experience for him is having the desired effect. (Just seems to be wallowing in self-pity, feeling resentful towards me for 'chucking him out' and not properly acknowledging his part in the situation) The plan is to get back together in a couple of weeks (he will have been living away for 5 weeks then) but so far he hasn't convinced me he is doing anything different from before. Will post more later.

Hi Liesin,

If you are happier apart why go back to chaos and put yourselves in his firing line again?.

It is clear from what you write that he is still not taking any responsibility here for his actions (he is likely to be in denial as well); you are also NOT responsible for him.

There are no guarantees here with regards to alcoholism; he could go onto to lose everything and still drink afterwards. Again you are not responsible for him, you can only help your own self here.

Do you have DC; they won't thank you for going back to their drunkard Dad.

Talk to Al-anon if you have not already done so; they are helpful re family members of problem drinkers.

Oh, Attila loads of reasons. Nothing is as clear cut as you sometimes make out when there are things like love, marriage, shared parenthood, wider family, financial issues, home ownership etc involved. For example, my son (6) is very angry with me at the moment and begging for daddy to come back. He said yesterday 'I would go with daddy if you split up'.

I am feeling quite uneasy about him coming back - thought it WOULD be more clear-cut by now. We will meet up and have a proper discussion before it happens, so that he understands exactly what is expected of him. I would also like to go to some couples counselling/therapy to work on the terrible resentment being harboured on both sides.

I am an old hand at Al Anon, didn't find detachment was working for me while he was still living with us, but find it helpful in other ways. Can't go to meetings at the moment, as I can't afford a babysitter for that as well as the other things I prefer to do, like socialising with friends! Even when he was at home I had to play it by ear to see if he got home from work on time and sober enough for me to go.

Indeed re love, marriage, shared emotional history, yes well all that but you're far more likely to be concerned about those issues more than your H is. He's thrown that all away because of alcohol; you have not caused all that to happen. As for wider family, well they have not had to live with your H and what you've you had to put up with. Your H is probably wondering where his next drink will come from; his primary relationship is with alcohol.

Alcoholism is a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic.
I feel for your DC in all this as well as you; this whole experience could profoundly affect them now even into adulthood. Your son is angry and he needs help with that now perhaps even through counselling. I am certain you will do right by your children. They growing up with an alcoholic parent will do them no favours and it won't do you any good ultimately to have a drunkard for a H.

I am feeling numb. My husband has just left.

He went on a bender this weekend at a family wedding and ended up arguing with both his parents and his sisters and falling over on the dance floor.

I finally found the strength to ask him to leave last night. He made lots of promises about not drinking but I managed to stand firm.

This evening he came back to pick up some of his stuff before going to stay with his parents. He thinks I have planned it all and is worried what I am going to tell the kids (I have no idea). He says I am the one with issues. He is embarrassed about the wedding but thinks he just needs to cut back a bit, not stop completely.

I feel like a terrible person for kicking him out, especially as he is going to live with his mum who is going through chemo. However, I think I have done the right thing.

I don't want to bother my family at the moment because my brother has just been diagnosed with cancer. I just needed to post this because obviously it is on my mind.

Hi chickenwings, I've just spotted your message, so sorry I didn't see it earlier in the week! I hope things are going smoothly for you now, has he left and how are things going? I think you're doing him a favour actually as it's going to make him seriously think about his drinking. I really hope you are feeling less numb and that you managed to explain to the kids why their dad had to go stay at his mum's. How old are they? Best of luck!

Thanks for your message Calyx.

I feel a bit all over the place at the moment. I don't miss my DH but I feel terribly guilty. He keeps popping in every night and asking whether the kids have noticed (they haven't) and promising me he will stop drinking so much.

He says he is going to see an alcohol counsellor which is great news but I think he is hoping that the counsellor will tell him to moderate his drinking rather than totally abstain. Whilst he is not a full blown alcoholic (ie he can go for a few days without drinking and has a great job) he has tried to moderate his drinking before and he has not been able to.

He says he didn't realise his drinking was that much of a problem for me ???

I have now asked him for a divorce which he does not want to agree to. Both he and his parents think I am just depressed and that with their support we will be able to work through "our issues" together. His parents think he only drinks a bit too much from time to time and I am exaggerating the problem.

It is really hard because I still love him and now I feel as if I am going mad because his family don't believe me. I just don't want to chance it again. His drinking has been a problem for years and I feel that if I don't go through with the split then he will just carry on.

Hi again chickenwings
Well done and well done again because you've managed to get him to leave and give you some thinking space. You are doing the right thing and it's nothing at all to do with his family, let them think or say what they want. Likely they do have an idea how much he drinks, but when he's with you they don't have to put up with his drunken shit do they?!

I still live with my DH who drinks too much, he has improved a lot though since I went to al-anon and started to learn to detach from the drinking behaviour. I have asked him to leave in the past but he wouldn't go (for more than one night) and since things have improved and we don't have children, I'm waiting to see what happens.

If you haven't read the 'getting them sober' books or Melody Beattie's 'codependent no more' it might help to see things more objectively, I found them very helpful.

Keep posting as it helps at times (well for me anyway!) and I'm hoping that it works out well for you and the children.

:(

Well it's moved to the next 'stage' I suppose. Had a couple of conversations with DH over the past few weeks as the drinking has crept back up again (surprise...).

The routine: Monday to Thursday totally fine. Payday for DH on Fridays. He finishes his work between 1 and around 3 on Fridays. Goes to the pub. Has a couple/few pints, comes home with stuff for dinner and 4 cans, about 6-7pm.

By the end of the cans he's talking repetititve nonsense, monologue mode, I can't watch the TV or read without him going on and on and on usually about something daft that happened at his work. He's already in blackout mode as he tells me the same thing 5 times, by the third I'm finishing his sentences for him and he looks at me like 'how did you know I was going to say that?'

He is nothing like as aggressive verbally as he used to be (before last year when I went to Al-Anon). No big rows or anything. But now my Fridays and Saturdays after his work are spent with me (detatching like a maniac internally), gradually turning up the TV so he might just get interested in it and shut up, going to bed early for some peace, or him falling flat out asleep on the sofa by 8 or 9pm and that's him there until morning.

I have not threatened but have told him about 4 times now that this is no way for me to expect to spend the rest of my life with him. I have found some self-esteem (thanks Al-Anon. Thanks Melody Beattie and Toby Drews. Thanks Mumsnet. Thanks work counsellor person last year. Thanks God and my family, colleagues and few friends I have ignored horribly for years in my ?depression.) and this morning was the last straw.

I'm going to post this then type up the rest. I'm just offloading and have found that I can't think things through in a straight line unless I'm typing this stuff out. I hope this stuff isn't inappropriate to post here but I'm praying someone (Attilla? Ready? and anyone else) can give me some support that I'm doing the right thing for us both. I feel sad.

Chickenwings by the way, I'm reading your posts above and still thinking of you. I'm taking strength from you today.

So this Friday and yesterday followed the same pattern. It's really hot and sunny this weekend and last night DH said we should do something, go out somewhere today (Sunday) and I thought that would be good, so we were going to (his words) 'get up early, get picnic stuff, we'll get a disposable barbie and head off to (nice day out place)'. He crashes on the sofa 8pm, I go to bed at 11pm. Wake up this morning to him getting out of bed at 9am, he went through the house and then "psssshhhtt" I hear a can of Stella being opened. He had 2 left from last night. I think 'detach' and put my head on the pillow, try not to let it annoy/upset me. I got up for the toilet 15 mins later and to make a cuppa and "pssshhhtt" again.

Well. I couldn't help myself and walked through to the living room and asked what the hell was he thinking? Blah blah argument where he says I'm overreacting, that I haven't stopped smoking, that I'm boring, and I tell him this is the behaviour of an alcoholic whether he thinks so or not. I said that's it, you've had your warnings, I'm out.

I am looking after my sister's cats while she's on hols for 2 weeks. I packed and told him (he's busy cooking barbeque food at 10am and telling me it's for our picnic today :() that I was going to my sister's for the 2 weeks she's away. He had the really really heartbroken face on but was still saying I'm overreacting, it's my fault he's drinking. He drank more before he met me 10 years ago and I told him so; I said if it wasn't for him wanting to stay with me he would be ten times worse. Looking at him then I think he believes and knows that is true. But he's proud, he's cornered, he's had 2 cans and he must be angry (although he never acted it). I made sure he had money for power and food until next payday, this out of the money he's just given me from his wage for bills/petrol/food etc. Then I took my bags of clothes and toiletries etc and gave him a lift to the shop and back for electricity, before leaving and now I'm at my sister's.

I said in the car this is your decision. In 2 weeks my sister will be back and I'm coming back home. You're going to admit you have a problem with drink and get help for it, either AA or counselling of some sort. Or you're going to decide it's me that has a problem, that your life as it is now with the alcohol etc is normal and the way you want to be; in which case you have to accept that I cannot and will not live like that any longer and we divorce.

His mum's not well and I said to him he might want to speak to his boss about time off (probably not possible) and go look after her for a while (he does all the cooking. I can but hate doing it.) He could cook for her and his dad every night and think about this and our relationship. It would be nice if he did that but I don't see the work letting him off.

I wonder how I feel about all this. I am numb emotionally and have no idea what is going to happen now. I hope I don't break down especially at work like I did last year. But this time I was and am in control of the situation so hopefully I will be fine at work? Oh I just don't know. What can I do right now to make myself feel better? I think I will go for a sleep if I can (my favourite coping mechanism!).

Thanks if anyone's read this. I hope and pray you're all doing well. Thanks chickenwings and Attilla and Ready and Ginnnny for inspiration and support, big hugs needed here but I won't tell if anyone gives me one, I'll be discreet :)

((((((((((Calyx))))))))))))

Do you in your heart of hearts think that he will seek help now that you have gone to your sister's residence?. He may well not decide even now after what you have said to seek help.

Do stick to your guns regardless. You've made him an ultimatum and you must follow it through in the perhaps likely event he decides not to seek help for his drink problem.

Alcoholism too is a family disease; you need support too. I note you mention some sources of support in your previous post; keep using those as and when needed. You will get through this.