SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

thats for your response ginny.

i am hoping it is peer pressure, he was sulking on holiday seeing the other teens drinking and us not.

i thought the normal point of view was it is ok to drink in the house with family. sigh, which doesnt help ...

i am not heavy on him drinking at friends, but of course when he had friends over recently they took the drink to the park!

this is i spose normal teenage behaviour, and luckily it is quite unsual with him.

While I'm here - a quick update.
Its been 3 months since I chucked XP out and he has completely hit the gutter now
But my new man is absolutely fantastic and I am really happy. He is everything I've ever wanted and I actually can't believe my luck.
AND I've given up smoking too

Just keep an eye on him Bealsebub - you know the signs to look out for!

thanks ginny.

and good news for you, tinged with sadness of course.

It is sad, but inevitable I think.
He was always heading for the gutter, I just delayed it for a while

Does anyone know anything about getting an injunction?
Ex has kicked off again. He barged into my house in a drunken rage yesterday, hit me, hit DP, terrified the dc. We managed to get him out eventually and called police and they still haven't caught up with him.
Thank God he was too pissed to do us much physical harm, but we are all quite shaken up.
I spent all day yesterday on the phone trying to get an injunction, but I earn too much to qualify for legal aid and I can't afford to pay. I tried to get an emergency injunction but as I wasn't 'beaten up' or hospitalised I don't qualify WTF
The police still haven't caught up with him and I'm going away for the weekend so I know I'm safe for a few days, but when they do catch him and eventually let him go he will be fuming at me for calling the police and God only knows what he'll do.
BASTARD!! I bloody hate him.
On a good note my new DP is being a tower of strength. He is really out of his depth and not used to this situation at all, but he has been fantastic. There are good ones out there!!!

Oh Ginnny, are you all ok? How horrific....I don't know about injunctions either but maybe there's something in the legal pages of MN? I hope that you find the info you need.

Ginnny

Am very sorry to read of what happened; I hope you all make a swift recovery.

This page from WA may be helpful to you on the subject of injunctions:-

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

You certainly need good legal advice from a Solicitor who understands all the issues.

GThanks for the link Attilla.
I've had more abusive calls, so has my Mum so I've changed my number and called the police so now I am a priority if I need to call them. No luck with the injunction but I think he would ignore it anyway.
I'm just going to get on with my life as much as I can and not let him win.
New DP is a tower of strength and all this has made us stronger together. We are determined not to let him break us up. He really is the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
Hope everyone is ok. X

Hi ginnny, any luck?

Every time I come on this thread I read my OP at the top of the page and cringe at how deluded I was I can't believe how long ago this thread started!!
Hi SS. How are you?
I got nowhere with the injunction, and tbh I doubt if he would take it seriously if I had, he would see it as a challenge more than anything and it would make him even angrier.
I haven't seen him since that night and the only way he can contact me now is at work and when he calls me there I hang up straight away. I have been spending weekends at DP's house half an hour away to avoid being around the house and so far its working out fine.
He will get the message eventually and if he doesn't the police have advised me to make notes of everything and try and get him done for harrassment.
He is the only thing stopping me being happy now, DP is fantastic, the dc are happy and settled and for the first time in years I am looking forward to a peaceful stress free Christmas.

Hope everyone else is OK.

I'm really well, thanks, Ginnny. My DD is at her dads this weekend (actually her grandparents, as he is living with them now) so I have a peaceful weekend and am loving the serenity!

EH meanwhile, is still drinking - I feel very sad when I see him now as he has aged so much. He looks very ill. He will never hit his rock bottom whilst his parents continue to enable him to drink. Thank God I no longer have to live with it

Did you contact Womens Aid for advice? I guess the only thing you can do is not react to the behaviour by engaging in conversation with him; you are doing the right thing by putting the phone down. And yes to keeping a Log of events. You're lucky that your DP has a place for you to go to.

You really have to focus on your new life and happiness - don't let him back inside your head. Why let him stop you being happy after all the shit he has put you through?

Hi - i used to be on here as princess hobnob, and think had another name as well - i've forgotten now!

Ginny - the main thing about an injunction is that it gives the police more power to deal with any unwanted behaviour from your ex, because it usually comes with a power of arrest - so something which isn't really a crime usually, becomes more serious when it is a breach of an injunction, and the penalty can be up to 5years in prison.

we spent a year in a refuge, came back, and ex started turning up at the door - i let him get away with it so he could see kids, but then his behaviour deteriorated, let himself into house when we were out, harrassed me on way to school with dd1, pushed me over in street, smashed window and broke into house at midnight to steal my phone because was jealous i might be seeing someone else...

he tested positive for drugs when the police found him, and he still seems to blame the drugs for his behaviour. and me for making him take them of course... even his drugs counsellor apparently told him his behaviour to me was part of addiction, which just seems to let him off the hook.

anyway - despite that, now he has had to face some consequences, and as i reported him to police for breaching bail conditions too, he has suddenly found himself able to control himself and leave us alone. The council is also paying for extra security to make us safer, even though it's my own home, and the police have our address flagged as needing fast response - so things can be done.

hope you;re ok ginny, and everyone else who is still around - haven't read whole thread. if ready still about really hope things going well for you

Hi Splishsplosh - I was wondering how you are getting on. It sounds like you are dealing with him ok now and doing everything you can to protect yourself - you are so much stroner than when we started this thread, we all are I think.
ExP got arrested at the weekend and they have charged him! His bail conditions are that he is not allowed any contact with us and he has to stay away from my house.

RESULT!!!!
Its like a huge weight has been lifted!

Hi SplishSplosh - I remember you so well; I wondered what had happened to you. Yes, calling Ready, are you ok?

Ginnny, lets hope that he sticks to the bail conditions....but do take it one day at a time.

Hi SS and Ginny
yes - definitely have got stronger, though it has been far from easy.

Ginny - hope he sticks to his bail conditions, don't forget to report any breach at all.

Don't know if it's an option at all, but in my case, the police mentioned they could apply for a restraining order when he goes to court, which can last a lifetime, and would save me having to apply for another injunction, which only last 6mths or a year - no idea what would make that possible, but would save the cost of an injunction for you, and have the same result

Really glad you've met someone decent who treats you the way you deserve to be treated

Thanks Splishsplosh - I will look into that.
I know we are not out of the woods yet - I'm fully prepared for the next bender and I'm sure I haven't heard the last of him, but it is reassuring to know that if he comes near me I have the back up of the police.
It might sound silly but the fact that they have charged him sort of validates it all for me, someone is on my side and they believed me over him. Its like he's lost his power over me now. Does that make sense?
Of course my family and DP are on my side, but they are biased because of their feelings for me.
Am very very .

Ginny Go girl, sounds like you are prepared for his crap and not taking it. so sad it comes to this but they really do put themselves into self-destruct mode.

Good to hear from you too splish splosh, so pleased life is coming together and your xp is finally taking responsibility and leaving you alone.

Life here is really fab! we have our house, my new man who is also a tower of strength, and has been vetted by friends back home for warning signs :)
I was supposed to have a final hearing to decide contact on the 28th oct, and a hair strand test was suppossed to have been filed at the end of sept. surprise surprise, xh had his hair cut. they did it a month later, although the results were not ready for court, so I'll get to those in a mo. 27th Oct I had a call asking to consent to an adjournment. didn't have a lot of choice, although I was fuming as it was half term and I'd had a nightmare sorting out childcare for the 3 kids. bit later I had another call from my solicitor saying the judge was pissed off and if it went back to court xh would have a lot of explaining to do to ther judge.
4th Nov I had a call about the hair test results. Despite the statement xh submitted to court saying he'd attended a program to tackle his drinking and that he'd considerable reduced his consumption, the results showed he'd actually increased, the result was almost double the previous one!!!! So I've stopped contact. the critters have been told that they'll not see him for a while until he stops drinking beer, which they all seem to be rather ok with. all they were doing was wandering around a local town for 4 hours not doing a lot and not getting fed. ds later mentioned to a friend of mine that xh stole sweets for them. no sign of going back to court for now, so all is good, my new dp and I are preparing for a happy, quiet peaceful but fun filled Christmas. his xw is a bit nuts too, to the point where his dd lives with him and chooses to have no contact with her mother(!)

It is so liberating when there is official validation of their behaviour!!!! no longer are we left feeling that we've made it all up, exaggerated to be vindictive.

for all those lurking, life can be better, sadly once you have removed the addict.

waves hello to Atilla too :)

Hi Ready.
How lovely to hear that you are finally happy with your new DP and rid of him and his nonsense. Its a great feeling isn't it
I know what you mean about having it all validated, thats how I felt when the police charged him.
He is in court on Monday. I saw him stumble past my house the other day, he looked like a dirty old tramp, hair all dirty and wild, unshaven and filthy, and absolutely wasted, he could hardly put one foot in front of the other. The dc have nicknamed him Swampy! I can't believe I ever loved such a vile creature!! The old person he was has gone and this monster has taken over completely without me to rein it in.
I thank God every day now that I am free of him and have DP who is so normal.

Big Bump - Happy New Year everyone!

Hi i have spent the past two hours reading through this thread.
My husband is a functioning alcoholic, i have got to the stage where i am letting him get on with it, though i feel so miserable that my life has turned out like this.
I once loved him, now i pity him, i don't like him.
He killed our marriage 3 years ago after we had a row which resulted in me getting broken bones.
Yes i'm still with him, madness i know, financially i can't afford to leave, i have put my name down with a housing association but they have told me that i will have to walt 8 years.
I just yearn for my light at the end of the tunnel, it seems so far away.
I don't want my children to think that drinking is the norm.
He decided to make a new years resolution that he would only drink at the weekends, ha ha ha day 1 day later he walked in with 4 cans which he drank in 2 hours.
I kept a diary of what he drank over the xmas period and reading back i'm amazed he is still standing, i would so love to show him it but i know he will only get aggressive.
I get blamed for him wanting a drink apparently me moaning at the children all the time stresses him or it's his work that he blames.

Hiya Insanity,

I'm rushing off atm but didn't want to leave you unanswered! That's awful for you that you've been stuck in your situation for 3 years. Is he abusive to you nowadays? If so you can call Woman's Aid (there's a link higher up the thread here) for some advice right away. If he's being aggressive in front of you or the children I would really recommend it. There is no need to wait for Housing association in that situation.

If he's not being agressive, have you contacted Al Anon? They have saved my sanity. You can telephone them or check out their website and find a meeting near you. If you haven't done this yet, please please make it a priority and go; if you can't get childcare then please just telephone them. They will help you to focus on what you can do to look after yourself - whether you choose to stay in your situation or whether you want to leave. They will not judge you either way, they are there to help. Al Anon is made up of people who are in the same type of situation, people who are involved with someone who drinks.

He will blame you, work, the weather, the colour of the carpet, anything so that he can justify having a drink. None of it has to make sense to him. The thing is, you need to stop trying to make sense of his behaviour because it will never make sense unless he stops drinking. And you can't stop him. Your family can't stop him, nobody can stop him unless he decides to stop.

Well done for finding this thread and posting here. Keep posting! The others will come along and add their support too. I'm thinking of you and your kids and will be looking in to see if you've been back.

Okay have to rush, hopefully see you later.

And Happy New Year everyone else!

Happy New Year everyone.

I started the first thread of these back in Sept 07 when I first kicked out my pathetic STBExH for his abusive addictive behaviour.

Its much too dull to go into ( can you tell I have moved on! ?) but I finally got rid in Aug 10. Am in the process of divorce and have met the most amazing new man.

I have never ever been so happy, despite the juggling kids, job, divorce, no money, useless cocklodger ex... I realise what a load of old shit I was putting up with.........

get out people - honestly. after that day it just gets better

lst xxx

Hi Lemon. Great to hear from you again. Glad to hear you have moved on and are happy now. I'm in the same boat as you now and it is so good to be at the other end of that dark tunnel!!

Insanity - you are in the same position I was in until about 6 months ago, it seems desperate but really it isn't. There is help for you out there, do try AlAnon, they are fantastic and I'm with LST when she says it saved her sanity, it is such a relief to be able to go to meetings when things at home seem so unbearable. They also do online meetings to if you can't get out.
You must remember that it isn't your fault, it is HIS choice to drink. It really isn't good for your dc to be around an alcoholic, however well he functions day to day. I would say that the majority of us on here are the children of alcoholics - it does affect you in so many ways.
I'm sure Attilla will be along soon with much better advice than I can give.
Hope everyone else managed to have a good Christmas.

Insanity,

Oh dear god don't wait 8 more years!. Not even 8 more blooming days!!!. The HA is bloody hopeless here and by then it will be way too late for you and your children.

You need help NOW, not in 8 bloody years time!!. He will destroy you all eventually and this process where you are all getting dragged down with him is already ongoing. You're all suffering at his hands and all your words are those of a woman in an abusive relationship.

Financial constraints are not insurmountable and are certainly not a reason or justification why you should stay within this abusive marriage.

Your children will grow up thinking this is the "norm" the longer you all remain with this man being around you all and you allow it to continue as well by enabling him. He has also shown physical violence and broke your bones!. He could have killed you back then and yet you're still there with him now?. What made you stay?.

Seek further advice asap and a good starting point for you would be to call Womens Aid. Also go to the CAB and talk to Shelter. Seek proper legal advice from a solicitor and start divorce proceedings asap!. You need to talk to Al-anon too as ginnny rightly says. She and the other respondents to your post have given you good counsel.

I sincerely hope you take heed and act asap for your sake as well as your childrens before he ends up killing you.

There's a lot of people out there who can help you and your children; you need to be brave now and take the first - and hardest -step to get away from him malign prescence. You and they do not need a sometimes violent drunkard for a husband/father in their lives.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.