Husband bit me

[oncebit]

To set the scene I am married to a (usually) totally unabusive and supportive man

Last night I had a tiff with dh over sex. Basically my sex drive at the moment is zero and he wanted sex. This is usually not a problem but last night totally out of character he got shirty. First he demanded I give him a handjob-I got upset at this and accused him of treating me like a paid companion with no regard to my feelings. Then as I went to get out of bed he leant over and bit me on the back.

This wasnt a playful bite, it was really hard and really painful. He then started crying and begging me not to leave

Now this morning I can't lay on my back or lean against a chair because of this massive bruise on my back (complete with teeth marks).

I understand dv and how it works. He tells me the instinct was to stop me and control me. He's very sheepish and apologetic this morning.

I feel really confused as he's never hurt me before-although he has restrained me in the past which I was really pissed off about. What are your thoughts on this? I don't want to leave. I love him and he's an excellent father.

I just want to hear your thoughts. Why BITE? What's biting all about? He could have grabbed my wrist to stop me (yeah I know absuive in itself). Why bite?

Why the bite

yes, sadly that is true too. I do really really hope that oncebit's DH is not an abusive man, and that this hideous episode is a one-off that they can get through.

But even if op does talk to DH about this it doesn't alter the fact that he bit her. It's not like he can say "oh well, now I know you were abused, that changes everything and I wouldn't have sexually manipulated you or bitten you on the back..."

I agree the past needs a revisit probably but I don't think this changes the now of OP and DH's relationship.

I strongly suspect the DH is tuned into the victim aspect of OP's personality on some level - possibly subconcious.

hobbgoblin - I do agree with you. The biting is totally unnacceptable, but without trying to excuse it, it sounds like a terrible flash reaction.

Sometimes people can do occasionally abusive things without being 'an abuser' IYSWIM. My DH would go cold and withdraw from me emotionally when I didn't want sex with him.

In the depths of my sexual problems with DH I saw every move he made on me as pestering, manipulative and disrespectful to me. I stopped wanting sex and saw his normal sex drive as demanding and controlling. It was only through opening up, and counselling that I saw that by sexual abuse had totally skewed my understanding of why DH wanted to have sex with me.

I'm am not dismissing the fact that oncebit's husband might indeed be abusive, and as you rightly say, abusive men do seek out vulnerable women. She should be careful and aware of this.

Without wishing to sound all wishy washy, I sometimes think life provides us with a make-or-break point to deal with things that need dealing with. Mine was DH telling me he was leaving me because he couldn't deal with my secrets (he had long suspected something was wrong in my past). Maybe this is an opportunity for oncebit to take control and break free from her abusive childhood.

Oncebit - I'm so sorry you are going through this x

So I have just had another talk with him-and he is very apologetic and ashamed. We were due to move abroad this year for work but it would mean me leaving my well paid job and relying on him as the main breadwinner. (it gets worse doesn't it?!)

So I have just said to him that I want our £800 debt which is on a 0% intrest credit card transfered into his name. The card is currently in my name even though it's a debt we both owe. The idea is it will make me feel less vunerable.

DH has agreed to this. Next question is. IS it possible to transfer this card into his name without getting a whole new card and paying all the transfer fee gubbins? Anyone know?

Agree with dittany - this is scary. You are living with a man who is unable to control his urge to attack you from behind in the most animalistic way in order to physically and sexually dominate you.

You are not safe with him.

oncebit have you been to the doctors about the bite. Human bites are notorious for being the most infectious things. Be careful of your health and watch out for a fever.
Beyond that, you are absolutely doing the right thing re: debts. put ALL his debts in his name. Doesn't matter what a ffaff it will be, it will be worth it.
His behaviour is wrrying at the v. least is he going to get help himself. if not why not.

I also think you need to seriously think about giving up your job and moving away . You will isolated and totally at his mercy so to speak.
Can't you negotiate him going for six months on his own first and see how it all goes.

i'm not convinced that the bite alone is the great signifyer to run for your life.

its certainly unacceptable. no question.

its very strange - certainly.

i agree that he seems to have a lot of anger.

i think you have issues you need to deal with

and i think you have issues you need to deal with together.

i certainly wouldn't be moving abroad with him.

but i would be saying
anger management - for you
councelling for me
relate for us

this is unless you feel vulnerable.

i mean lets cut te shit - in ten years, this is the one physically abusive thing he has done?

i think that if he is is controlling, abusive, emotiionally or manipulative, that you know there are more examples.
you know in your gut if - this incident aside- he is someone you fear.

if he is - leave

if he isn't - get help

I'm in an abusive relationship and agree that biting usually comes after slaps shoves etc. My P bites me on the neck pretending it's play but it's not
If your man respects you all the time, genuinely, then I'd say keep an eye on the situation. If he has ever belittled you or been controlling I'd see it as a symptom of something more sinister going on. I hope it's a one off thing and you can move foward.

whyare you in an abusive situation junglist?

Maybe he thinks he's a ferret in which case he should have bitten the scruff of your neck

What a twat. Offer his a blow job and bite his cock.

And i am not making light of the situation nor am i joking.

Dickhead.

I hope you aare at the docs atm oncebit
Good luck

him sorry not his

I agree dittany.
I was reading this last night and have been thinking about it since.
You must be so confused, bewildered, upset, gobsmacked really! I feel really saddened for you oncebit.
But it is just such a horrible, violent thing to do. Whichever way I look at it I just can't find any sort of excuse or explanation.
for me, this would be a deal breaker, but I can understand it's not that simple.
I think you should have this injury recorded. I hope to god you never need it as evidence but it will be there.
Please go to the GP's, especially if he has broken the skin.
and then insist on counselling /anger management / relate.
Your husband needs to hear from a professional just how awful this is.
Good Luck x

Oncebit, there is more to this than just the bite. You have already said he has 'restrained' you more than once. You have said he is manipulative. He has pushed you into doing things in bed which you don't want to do.

In what way is this not abusive?

Sorry to be blunt.

On the other hand, he may feel that there is more to your attitude to sex than meets the eye, and be utterly frustrated (NOT sexually) by the fact that you won't talk to him about it.

IMO if your relationship has any chance of being happy for both of you (and your children) then you really do need to address and deal with the abuse you suffered as a child.

I'm sorry you had a bad counsellor before, but they are not all like that. You cannot push this under the carpet forever, as it will raise its ugly head again and again and will get in the way of any and all relationships you will ever have.

My relationship is mainly emotional abuse, I've been slapped and punched before. I'm lucky in that I recognise it for what it is, unfortunetly I'm stuck with it till I finish my degree, hopefully once I'm earning enough I can go, that's my plan.
I'm not stuck in the cycle anymore, but he still is. I dread his moods. but I'm changing and he can see it.

I have been through 2 physically abusive ralationships and this bite could get worse. If he is not getting sex then he needs to talk kindly and lovingly and pamper you and take care of you not bully you and make you feel guilty. How old are you children. If you have a baby and are tired and breast feeding it can completely take away all sexual desire.... does he know that ??? Biting your partner is disgusting, basic, and not to be accepted. However, i can see from what you said, he is a good father, and normally ok. If this is so out of character, maybe, just maybe, you might in time be able to put it behind you and move on. He needs to show he is doing something to sort out his aggerssion and anger. But if ANYTHING physical ever happens again, ANYTHING then thats it IMHO . Be careful, cos it sometimes gets worse. Make a firm ultimatum.

oncebit, how are things with you

Why do men bite?

Did you get a tetanus shot human bites are dangerous more so than dog bites?

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

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ZOM...BIE...THRE..AD...

@AnyFucker

he "handled it wrong" ??

I cannot understand why there are not more outraged women on this thread about the biting

That would be a dealbreaker for me, and would negate everything that had gone before

I seem to be in a minority on this thread, and would be less looking for the reasons why and more into how the fuck to get away from this vile man

As ever I agree with AnyFucker Am horrified that a pp called his response “childish” Biting someone ? Biting so hard that she can’t lean against a chair and is bruised and marked ? Plus the prior “restraint” . Biting her because she doesn’t want to be pressured into sex ?