Husband bit me

[oncebit]

To set the scene I am married to a (usually) totally unabusive and supportive man

Last night I had a tiff with dh over sex. Basically my sex drive at the moment is zero and he wanted sex. This is usually not a problem but last night totally out of character he got shirty. First he demanded I give him a handjob-I got upset at this and accused him of treating me like a paid companion with no regard to my feelings. Then as I went to get out of bed he leant over and bit me on the back.

This wasnt a playful bite, it was really hard and really painful. He then started crying and begging me not to leave

Now this morning I can't lay on my back or lean against a chair because of this massive bruise on my back (complete with teeth marks).

I understand dv and how it works. He tells me the instinct was to stop me and control me. He's very sheepish and apologetic this morning.

I feel really confused as he's never hurt me before-although he has restrained me in the past which I was really pissed off about. What are your thoughts on this? I don't want to leave. I love him and he's an excellent father.

I just want to hear your thoughts. Why BITE? What's biting all about? He could have grabbed my wrist to stop me (yeah I know absuive in itself). Why bite?

Why the bite

reality, thank god you turned up

I agree with fluffybunnygonebad. You need professional help and I do mean just you on your own and him on his own.
Have you told him how serious this is yet. Please do not let him back into your bed until you feel comfortable with him.
Good luck

I'd be concerned about him manipulating you into having sex with him. No means no, no exceptions.

Sorry, missed the second part of the question Reality. No, i've never talked about it to him or anyone IRL. He doesn't know a lot about my past I find it too embarressing to discuss. That said it doesn't bother me usually day to day. Just in these sort of situations where the manipulation seems to trigger me off into feeling very disressed.

oh, and the biting too, this is concerning behaviour, very weird.

ditto pw

oncebit, I am so sorry

your past is even more a reason to not let this go

you sound like you are halfway to thinking you deserve what you get

you really need some help here, have you had any help in dealing with what happeed in your childhood?

I will say again, think of what the future holds for you if you don't deal with this

please dont be one of those statistics....abused child=abused wife

Can he see that you are distressed? Do you tell him? Does he stop or carry on?

You sound like an incredibly articulate lady who is desperately trying to make sense of a situation that only 'other people' find themselves in.

When you look back and see your posts there are an awful lot of 'abusive' incidents, the culmination of which looks dreadful.

You need to talk seriously to this man for your own safety.

Bit I do agree with the others -he bit you that is forgivable.

Having been a victim of DV I know that a woman will leave only when she is ready and when she knows and regonises the abuse for quite some time. especially when she has a background of low self esteem and has previously been abused.

AF and Reality it seems to clear cut to you and I can see why. It's so simple to say he bit you & restrained you, it's abuse, leave now, it's quite another to have to deal with it.

I think the way forward is to get counselling to help you to gain confidence and deal with the issues from your past. It looks to me like this is the start of a long journey for you personally tbh.

Anyfucker: I'm hearing what you are saying i'd probably say the same if the situation was reversed .

Only he's not vile, everything else about him is wonderful. He's the only person who'd ever loved me properly and I feel (usually) totally safe with him.

This is really embarressing and surreal for me.

This morning he wanted to talk about it. He says he's sorry sorry sorry, says he knows it's abusive and that he'd understand if I left him as it was so out of order. He's telling me all of this and all I wanted to do was change the subject and tell him to forget all about it.

I know, i'm an idiot.

Sorry I meant that is UNforgivable for him to bite you

I agree with Reality and I also think that very sadly your past makes you especially vulnerable to this man. I know he is your DH and you love him but this is potential extension of earlier abuse. Well, it already is if totally truthful, but giving your DH benefit of the doubt for your sake (in terms of ability to accept the painful reality here) you are staring at a future where childhood abuse continues to affect you and render you the victim. Imo.

I think you need counselling/therapy that enables you to deal with the past and certainly the present. I have a suspicion you have not healed.

OK, I've said my piece

I do not apologise for my strong stance, but accept that not everything is black and white

LMG, my posts were slightly attacking towards you and I did not mean that

Oncebit, I hope you can find a way through this that keeps you safe and happy

Fluffy: He can see that i'm distressed. He asks why and I can't answer him. I just don't want to open that can of worms with him. I keep on hoping he'll read between the lines. There's a lot of stuff there involving my family, and an older man who groomed me and put me into bad situations where I prostituted myself as a teen.

Sounds terrible and of course it is but it doesn't effect my day to day existence. I went for counselling once but I found it very tiring and the person who was the counsellor didn't really understand.

All I know is-if I saw him getting distressed about something like this. I'd stop, no questions asked. He just keeps on pushing on through. I go into my head then and shut off my emotions. If I didn't i'd probably attack him and i'm not a violent person

I want to forget about my past. I don't want it to 'dirty' our relationship. I really really don't want him to know as then i'd risk him being disgusted with me.

Thank you Anyfucker x

You're not an idiot you are shocked and you know you need to deal with it because you started this thread.

Could you use this as a trigger to talk to him about your past because unless you tell him he is never going to understand the deep impact his actions have on you.

Fwiw my abusive ex was great at cleaning/ cooking/ working/ childcare when I first met him he was quiet, funny, affectionate and made me feel safe.......which is why when he started to hit me I failed to make a big fuss and before I knew it I was covering up/ making excuses/ making light of it

How long were you with him before that started LMG

He isn't loving you properly and he isn't keeping you safe.

Psychologically he probably had you sussed and didn't even know it himself. That you had been a victim. On some level he probably needs his own victim, just as your childhood abuser did. Something has kept the abuser in him buried til now.

What are you going to do now it unleashed? As a child you couldn't defend or protect yourself. You can now.

oncebit, I totally agree with anyfucker. Your admission of abuse really struck a chord with me. After years of a terrible sex life with my DH, I finally admitted to him last year that I had been abused as a child.

My DH's frustration never reached the levels of violence of your bite. But it almost ruined our marriage, and his resentment of my lack of interest in sex was always seething under the surface.

Since opening up to him and going to counselling, our relationship is going from strength to strength.

Your DH was totally totally wrong to bite you last night. This is the make or break of your marriage. Can you find the strength within yourself to face up to your abuse and start to make him understand how you feel about sex?

I can recommend a couple of books as a starting point.

Good luck x

"He asks why and I can't answer him. I just don't want to open that can of worms with him. I keep on hoping he'll read between the lines."

and

"I want to forget about my past. I don't want it to 'dirty' our relationship. I really really don't want him to know as then i'd risk him being disgusted with me."

I could have written that a year ago

Please think about getting some help towards talking to your DH.

Your past is affecting your future, if you want your dh to be in your future I think you need to be honest with him. He will not be disgusted with you, it was never your fault! You shouldn't be ashamed!

I really can't see how you can move on unless you are honest and get some help. If you don't feel you want to speak to him about it now maybe get a counselling appointment and talk to him about it there with someone who is trained to help you both deal with this.

It is not fair to carry this on your own and it is not fair to expect him to read between the lines and to adjust his behaviour without you telling him why.

My dp knows about my past, he knows I had counselling for 3 years he came with me to couples counselling so I could learn to have a relationship that did not involve violence. My dp knows he cannot get in my face during an arguement because of the effect it will have on me, he knows the reason I brush my teeth obsessively and other things I do now because of how I was treated in the past. If he didn't know all this he may not understand me wholey.

I know you want to bury this and forget it ever happened but every experience we have shapes us to be the person we are today and you are a survivor and he should know so he can be proud of you for coming out the other side.

Reality - inability to talk about childhood abuse, even in adulthood, is a classic symptom of the aftermath of the abuse.

I am in no way condoning her DH's behaviour, but the fact that she can't talk about it is not a reflection on her DH. It is the power that the abuser still has on the 'child' part of you even into adulthood.

My DH was the most open, loving husband I could have had, yet for 15 years I was unable to tell him I had been abused.