please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

Fadingaway I was so sad to read your post on 'husband left me sunday.. please help me'
I know how you feel. It does feel like that.

Something will switch at some point and you wont feel like you are dying.
Can you try to keep putting one foot in front of the other? The days will go by. You have so many wonderful DC and they will help you keep going.

I congratulate myself on every day I get through and that's how I am coping. If it's a bad day, I think, "what can I do to get through to the night? Then tomorrow might be a good day."

I've resorted to watching some funny TV late at night, reading some books (funny ones) , talking on MN, and anything that distracts me out of a crying fit that's going on too long. It's OK to cry but try to give yourself only an hour at a time, and then say "Right enough, time to do something else now", otherwise you will get overwhelmed. I fell asleep on my tiled kitchen floor, after completely breaking down, the saturday my H took the children out for the day on the first of "his weekends".

It's terrible terrible heartbreak but we women, we survive. We find a way to keep going because the DC need you. You're more than a superwoman, you are a MUM. Your DC need you more than ever now. Cuddle them, kiss them, stroke their heads when they are asleep. These are all things H can no longer do when he wants to.

Oh you poor thing, what a horrible thing for him to have done after so long together.

You must be in total shock, have you managed to get hold of him on the phone yet? He can't avoid calls forever.

I'm the other end of the country but wish I was nearer so I could come and help.

No, his phone is still off. I can't bear to ring him as I will beg him to come home. I would take him back without a murmur.

Other people are ringing and texting they can't believe it either. There's nobody else to ask now.

I checked and his passport has gone. What if they have gone on holiday - he said we couldn't afford one this year.

I thought he loved his kids. I thought he loved me.

I am so so grateful to you lovely people who are taking time to post and some of you have such dreadful stories.

There is no way through this for me. He was the first man I had ever loved. I am so so stupid. I wish I was strong enough to just finish this, I can't go on. But I can't leave my kids with nobody.

Jut wanted to add my support FA. Lots of people thinking about you and your dc at the moment.

You will get through this with your dc. You all need each other very much at the moment.

Take care of yourself.

"I wish I was strong enough to just finish this, I can't go on. But I can't leave my kids with nobody."

Fadingaway, no.

Keep posting. Watch mindless comedy on tv. Talk DCs out for a walk. Bake cakes. Keep going.

I can't.I am destroyed. I am. I never knew I could hurt this much even if he had died. But he's with someone and they are probably laughing at me and my kids have been crying for him.

I can't ever believe anything anyone ever says to me again.

FA you could call or email The Samaritans to talk about how you're feeling, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

you can keep going. Because you have your children, and yourself and you owe to them and yourself. Come on. TRip to a shop to buy chocs for all?
He won't be laughing at you. If he was feeling cocky about it he wouldn't have turned his phone off and gone awol.

Have to go...DS is heading into garden...

hang in there.

can i ask, have you thought about practicalities? finaces, housing, benefit entitlement etc?

fading, I am sure he is not laughing. Please take custy's suggestion and think about practicalities if you haven't already. The more you sort things out, the more you will feel your power returning.

Fading, I 'phoned the Samaritans the night my H left, said he was going to office to do some work and then phoned about 11.30pm and said he wouldn't back. Tried to 'phone my sister but she was obviously asleep so I 'phoned samaritans - they were great they got me through that night - I was hyperventilating, being sick, everything ....

I needed to on diazepan for a week just to get through the anxiety, the sheer panic, shock and trauma because that it was it is. I couldn't eat, sleep, kept being sick and hyperventilating. My mum had to take and collect the DC from school - I just couldn't function. But you get through it and things get better, easier. It starts by being one minute at a time and then one hour and then one day.

I'm now super skinny, with new clothes (old ones don't fit) and new hairstyle, all thanks to my H. I wouldn't say I feel great at the moment but I'm getting there with the help of girlfriends, mums at the dc's school and nursery. I couldn't tell anyone for a couple of weeks but once I did, everyone started rallying round. I wanted to post on here but I couldn't, it was only when Whereismumhiding posted that I felt I could share my situation with everyone. We are all going through the same - you are not alone and you will get through it.

Take care of yourself, have a bubble bath, read a trashy, uplifting novel (if you can concentrate), be kind to yourself.

fadingaway I do understand this stage you are at - but as others have said you must get cracking with the practical stuff - I found as soon as I turned my attention to where we were going to live and how we were going to pay for things then it suddenly made life much easier - I had something else to focus on other than how utterly rejected i felt

please keep talking to usx

fadingaway, i can tell you he won't be laughing at you. he may be on holiday thats true, but he will be in utter torment, and rightly so.

you can go on. you can. and you will be happy again, that is for sure, even though you don't feel it now.

and this other person (is it a woman? the reason i ask this is it seems so odd for him to not be able to confront this i'm wondering if there is something more complicated that he feels ashamed/guilty of)

if he wasn't bothered he would answer his phone and tell you straight out.

don't feel ashamed for saying you would take him back. Who wouldn't feel that when they are this much at a loss.

you say he was your first love so maybe you don't have much experience of heart wrenching break ups , but it definately does get easier.
you have your five beautiful children, he has given that up, for what? what an idiot. he is bound to realise what he has done and what he has forfeited. what a fool! what man would want to do this.

ok having an affair, for the novelty, mid life crisis , ego boost is one thing but this? I can't believe anyone would do this without regret.

i would not be surprised if he wanted to go on holiday with his fancy woman, but once the reality of the situation sets in, he will be begging to come back.

by then you will have gone through so much soul searching and emotional trauma that who knows what you will want then, but you will come out the other side no matter what.

all things pass, both good and bad.

keep posting tonight. keep talking, keep raging.

what are you doing tomorrow?

Fadingaway We're all here. We're all with you. I know it hurts. It's like no other pain, we're all going through it. Thinking of ending it ISNT the answer. It would only add to your DC's distress. It IS like he's died. The man you knew has died and some imposter is in his place. Because somehow he has changed and it was a nasty sneaky low down thing to do to his loving wife. So you need to grieve. But dont make it worse by thinking it is you. It isnt you. He has done this all by himself without reference to you.

Of course H and the OW arent laughing at you. They are selfishly caught up in an illusion. You know all his smelly habits and what will start to irritate. Nothing he does is real at the moment. You have to start trying to make your life real. You can do it honey, as you are a Mum. You gave birth to those gorgeous children and they need you now. Take each day one at a time and aim to book in things morning, afternoon or evening each day to structure your day. It will help you keep going.

You HAVE to keep going. Keep crying. Start talking to someone. Ring Samaritans. Ring Relate and make yourself an appointment. Try your local church, they may have some free counselling. Go round to your neighbours and sob your heart out in company. No one would want you to be in this pain all on your own. Dignity can fly out of the window, you need to find someone to wail with.

Fadingaway I just want to add my support. He is a spineless coward. 6 years ago my husband of 7 years left me, our children were 3 weeks old and 17 months old at the time. Although he did tell me. I know you probably feel like you cant go on, thats perfectly normal to feel like that. It will be horrible for a while. But you will survive, things will get better and your kids will be ok, yes it will be rough for a while but you all will be ok. I dont know what else to say. But I am thinking of you all. Like others have said concentrate on the practical stuff, firstly because it needs to be done and secondly for me it helped keep me sane, it have me a goal.
Sending you hugs.

fading away- I'm so sorry to hear you have been hurt so badly. I am sending lots of thoughts and love your way. You can get through it one day at a time.

Can I echo custardo, though- I know you don't want to think about it now, but you do need to think about money- do you have a joint account? If the bank finds you have separated they may freeze your account. Can you transfer some money to a safe place before that happens? Sorry to be callous but it may help you in the future.
xx

thank you.

The little DCs are in bed now. I had a visit from FIL earlier. He wants to kill his son.I have tried not to badmouth him to his dad.

I wish I had someone here with me I can't cry and I am scared it will just all boil over at the most inappropriate time. I started crying the shower last night and I frightened myself.

We have separate accounts.

I just want him to come home still. Am I pathetic? Should I ring him and ask him to contact me about the DCs?

I fed them from the chip shop tonight because I didn'tknow what to do.

I haven't eaten anything since yesterday lunchtime.I can't. I don't want to. I just am losing everything. Nobody will ever want me, the wrong side of 40 with young kids will they, it's all over.

it feels like it's all over fadingaway, yes it does. yet it keeps going, life that is, your kids will see you thru.

My dh (now ex) did this to me 4 yrs ago. I felt empty, numb, shocked. I didn't understand, i still don't tbh.

You arenot alone, you are not weak, and it's not your fault nor is it bad if you love him.

People told me, at leas touy have dd, but back then i was like 'yes but what's the point, her daddy has gone', but now I see the point.

I truly know how you feel, and it's shit, andit's like being on another planet. I just want you to know that you can do this. I have had depression all my life, bt somehow, even with the shock and enormity of this, dealt from the one person i trusted, I becmae stronger than I ever knoew i could be.

I still weep, and miss him. I battle with him over how he treats me and our dd, BUT I have turned into a grown up somehow. I didn't deserve it, nor do you.

Fadingaway You dont want him home right now. Of course you want him back and you miss him. He was your H of 25 years for God sake! I am glad his own dad is angry at him. He deserves everyone's anger. He has let you all down by being selfish. But I suspect that ringing him a lot would push him further away because you need to give him the gap to miss you and the kids. If he is going to come back, then he needs to do this right now and have space to make the mistakes he needs to make.

So, it's hard but I think you might need to ride this out, do what it takes to keep you going. You can fix yourself, can you make that your project right now? If he wants to come back, he will decide that himself later on, once he has got this out of his system. I doubt fighting for him right now & asking him to come home would have the effect you want, I think you need to say, "You're an idiot, look at what you are throwing away".
I think if you can build yourself back up, concentrate on you, then you have more chance of surviving this but also showing him what he is missing. Dont do it for him though, do it for your DC and for you. Honey, you have 5 children and you're not past it at the wrong side of 40. I'm 38 and have 3 children. God girl, we're spring chickens!!!

This is what I'm doing to help me, it might help you too (?): OK you're getting slimmer, make the most of it. Buy some new clothes if you can (I spent £57 in Matalan for a new wardrobe, with 7 £3 t-shirts and 3 pairs slim fit jeans!! Big spender eh?!). Can you try to eat little and often (snacks) if you cant manage a full meal- not eating will definitely make you more emotional. Is it possible to make a hair dresser appointment for 2 weeks time to get your hair recut or styled, or start growing it longer? Can you try next week to put a bit of make up on each day (waterproof mascara obviously!) and find a favourite handbag to use?

Is there anything else you can do, that you couldnt do when he was there? Stuff just for you.

PS. So what kids had chips from chip shop? Good plan. At least you are feeding them. You have not abandonned your kids and your family.

thank you all again. I need to go in the shower but will anyone be around later? you are keeping me going thank you.

Fadingaway - where do you live?

I'm so sorry your going through this, but your on the best place, in fact I'm going to take myself over to the husband left on sunday thread to, come over I'm sure there will be loads of good advice on there.

xx

Watching The Apprentice (taped) then going to bed as I have a little girl (age 4) sleeping in my bed!!! She gets grumpy if she wakes up and I'm not there. She thinks it's brilliant that daddy isnt here anymore as he NEVER let them sleep in our bed, he used to shout at them to get back to bed. So, not every night, but some nights, middle DD can now sleep in my bed. I wont make a permenant habit of it, but I like it too.

Night honey xxx

oh god, you are not pathetic for wanting him back. of course you do , a few days ago everything was fine, now your whole world is in chaos. why wouldn't you want things back as they were.

ring him, why not. you need to do what feels right for you, and yes, it might push him away, but you can only be what you are, you can't be less than you are, or try playing at games. and anyway, you have to do everything you can to get what you want. even if it doesn't change anything, at least you would have tried, and ultimately it will make you come to terms with your feelings. this will help things to move forward, even if it goes backwards for a while.

how can you move any other way. yes, do the practical things, but emotionally you have to confront how you feel, right now its misery and despair, soon it will be anger, regret, insecurity, grieving and ultimately moving forward

nothing wrong with chips btw. i just gave that to my 14 monther and i'm a health food, precious mummy middle class crank!

did he take all his clothes etc or just enough for a holiday?

I'm near Durham.

Well a village in the back arse of nowhere near Durham.