please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

I wonder if I need to see the GP again. I feel so tired all the time. It's like if I stop I can't get started. If I stay busy I can go on and on because it means I don't have to think.

And mainly when I do think it is what the fuck am I going to do?

I know there are always two sides but I really really can't think of anything specific I did/didn't do. And I keep thinking what a fool he has taken me for, and I don't feel like I am moving on. Sometimes I do, during the day, but now when the DCs are in bed and I'm alone....I tried drinking and it didn't work. I sometimes think if I told people in RL what has happened they would look me up and down and think, well, I'm not surprised.

But I know there isn't a magic pill.

Sorry, rambling mad post again.

FA, perhaps you could send one final text saying something like:

I will not deal with you by text message any more. If you have something to say to me or the children, you need to phone or say it in person. I will not answer any more texts and I expect you to keep your mobile on in case of emergencies with the children.

I think he may be texting as it is easier to hide that from the OW than actually making a phone call. He's probably hiding in her toilet to text you, coward that he is.

Its not you who has gone horribly wrong, but he.

Texting are you pissed off with him? he is f'ing insane. responding as if he is the 6th naughty child. I am astounded too that he is doing this...just lost for words.

OW walked out on her husband too...maybe she gave him some tips, easy when you know how.

Easy for me to say but dont text him, he does not deserve your words or kindness or time.

back later, be strong xx

I think you need to tell people, my friends have listened and listened, Im up and down. You need to talk this through. Realise its not, you its him. Sex was great, your life was great, he just thought the grass was greener and its not, just different. Stay strong, Im sure he will come back (if thats what you want). he is an awful, horrible woman who you would never be friends with!.

cross-posted, sorry.

I'm glad you're thinking along those lines, as far as not blaming yourself. There's nothing you could have done or not done. He lied to you for two years, then buggered off in a cruel and heartless manner. You don't deserve that!

It probably is worth seeing the GP again.

She is an awful, horrible woman I mean!.

I think he must have blanked out what he's done to try and justify it to himself or assuage his guilt.

I really do. I think I maybe am not helping mysef because if I had fallen to bits or been carted off to hospital or something, and he had been forced back here to look after his DC then he would have realised he has quite literally destroyed me. But because I have acted as I have he may think oh, she's coping. Didn't know she had it in her. Or words to that effect.

I fear I am not Making Sense again......

I now it must be dreadful that he doesn't seem to realise what he has done to you FA but if he was capable of that level of empathy and integrity he probably wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it but you will come out the other side of this a stronger person - even in the short time you have been posting on here we can read it in your posts - you are surviving and taking care of your home and kids and going to work. You are an inspiration in your strength and dignity.

I tell you what though - it wouldn't hurt to make a little mischief for the OW. I would certainly send a few texts to put the wind up him and make her suffer - like calmly saying, for example, that you had arranged for an estate agent to come and value the house as you have decided to move away. He'll get the shock of his life and she'll have to deal with it and see how upset that makes him.

He will not realise until something major happens. Just like the other girls have said. File for divorce (just to scare him) Make him look after the kids ( and bugger off somewhere warm) anything just something major to make him wake up and smell the roses.
Unfortunatly it took a major incident to make my husband realise what he'd done. From then on he was begging me to take him back. He's living in a dream world and he needs to be brought down to earth with a big bang. He cannot treat you like this. You are the mother of his children and you deserve respect. Its shape up or ship out time Im afraid. No more nice guy tactics. Wise up, play dirty, if you want him back then go for it, if not then tell him to get lost. the ball is in your court, not the other way around (I wish Id known this). You have the advantage, 5 kids! Does he realise that one-dady may-be another man will be sharing their life! Shock him he needs it, stay strong!!

Evening FA - yr not rambling. I know evenings are harder for you. Might be a good idea to see the GP again.

Despite my earlier rant at yr H I don't think you should get into game playing or plotting revenge - harmful and distructive to you as well as them (not that you should give a toss about them).

Your dcs will grow older and they will look back at this time (however it turns out) and they will recognise and appreciate yr strength, diginity and the way you shielded them (it may not be until they are parents of course).

I agree with Yank - I think you should text saying you refuse to communicate using texts only phone calls. If the ow doesn't like it then tough shit. He has to speak to you about the dcs. I suspect she has no idea about his silly texts about you, possibly coming back etc. He's probably stringing you both along whilst he feels sorry for himself stuck in the middle.

Falling apart may have made him realise what he has done to you or guilt him into coming back. You don't want that. If you are to reconcile it should be because he misses you all and wants to make up to you for what he has done. If he does come back and you want him back then you can tell him what all this did to you and then see if you can move past it but in the meantime the stronger you are the better for you and the DCs. You are the most important person in all this because you are the one holding everything together for all the DCs and you need to do whatever you need to to keep going. You are doing a fab job so far IMO.

Agree with YanknCock about your response to his txt because their guess about sneaky texting is probably spot on.

It's 100% his fault, and not yours, that this has happened. He's selfish and weak, he got the offer of a shag on a plate and took it. Now it's two years later and he needs to understand the mess he's in!

I think you need to be on the front foot here. Agree you shouldn't reply to his texts but you also need to be driving the whole thing forward, not waiting for him to decide which way to jump. Issue an ultimatum maybe? You or the OW? At the moment he's got both of you... OW for the week, and nice little family for Sundays. No wonder he doesn't seem keen to make a decision.

I wonder why he left when he did? I suspect the OW forced his hand... total conjecture on my part, of course, but I bet she's sick of 2 years' waiting... she probably said, "If you don't leave I'm going to tell your wife anyway", and because he's a pathetic excuse for a man who thinks only of his own happiness, he did what she asked. And that's his fault too!!!

FA, you deserve better than this piece of shit for a husband.

thinking about you.

Do you think you should firm up some child visitation times. like suggesting a definate day.

i also think that he needs to be with them on his own, rather than in your house with you there.

this isn't a visitation for you, and the kids might get confused if your all playing ahppy families one day a week.

You will get over this whichever way it goes - and you're being very brave and dignified.

He is having it easy at the moment - do as some posters have suggested - make him take the children to give you a break, let him have the hassle.

You will come to relish the "me" time. Let him see how hard it is.

fading i am sorry to say - yo do need to get a bit tougher with the access issue. He needs to help you a lot more than he is already.

Tell him you NEED help as you have lots of appointments to sort out - and then please get some legal advice for yourself.

Also do tell rl friends they really will help you and i cant think that anyone will judge you, you will be amazed at the support you will get. His work needs to know too (well they dont but let him face some quizzing too).

Stay strong and remember you are doing so well.

FA_ are you due to go back to counselling this week? I hope so- it won't help in just one session. It's more important that you TALK IN RL about this than go to the drs for pills.

I think the same as the others. It's your call, but we all seem to be saying the same things, so do take that on board:

• end the texting and demand phone calls.

*demand an address- what is happening re. finances ( is he paying anything? do you need an address for solicitors letters? Tell him you do.

*Establish proper contact days and times for him to see the children and suggest/demand he takes them out of the home- either to his house or out somewhere.

*Involve your friends and family- you seem to be behaving a bit like a pressure cooker- running around all hyper then crashing the next.

I worry for you. You are coping well, but I suspect you are putting on a brave face to t he world- and to yourself- when you really need to let it out more, not just on MNs.

I think you should say if you're apart then half term should be 50.50 and he;ll just have to take half of it off work- have the chilren say on Tuseday and Wednesday and you will do Mon/Thurs/Friday and if he isn't free on Tues and Wed then he will have to fix child care but you will be away. I think you need to do less, not more rather than just run on adrenalin and end up not feeling good.

It's nothing to do with what you did in bed or not. Some people male and female want variety or a change. What is unusual is he's left. Most people who commit adultery do it in secret and still want to stay with and indeed still love their other half.

FA- can you try something that seems impossible? can you focus on the purely ractical- and not think about anything that you think you have done that has pushed him away?
Trying to fathom why he has moved out or why he had the affair is self- torture as you will never find the asnwers unless he tells you.

At the moment you need to foucs your energy on putting shared child care in place, and being demanding about what type of contact is acceptable- texting certainly is not!

You are tired because you are doing too much- to keep your mind off things. This is understandable, but you will end up exhausted.

Instead of putting all your energy into coping, put some of it into drawing up a shared child care plan, and carving out some time for yourself in all of this.

and keep going to your counsellor.

having a busy day OR pissed off at him? er, Both!!

'Why on earth would I be pissed off with you? No not busy either , only got 5 kids to look after on my own and a job, still thanks for your concern, its obvious you really care, and nice of you to turn your phone on to text me. Hope your not going to get into trouble over it'

Not surprised you are feeling knackered, all this emotional upheaval takes its toll.

Fading, you are a wonder. I know you are feeling empty but between one thing ending and something else beginning is nothing. And this 'nothing' is the most creative and resourceful time. Go with it!

Life is not about finding yourself it is about creating yourself.

Hope the armchair psychology is not too much, its only there to add a touch of lightness to your day.

I wish I lived near you, I think you sound marvellous!

I'm off today. DD1 has exams (because she took her degree in Scotland she has to convert two of the units she studied so that English law applies).

It may not seem that I am taking notice of these posts but really, I am. Set days for contact are not possible, as DH is a shift worker. There is no way I will allow him to take the DCs to her place. I understand it's a flat and there wouldn't be room for them and I am not having my children sharing beds or floors, that's assuming she even has more than one bed, which I doubt. Nor could he arrange childcare when he "has" them. DDs 2 and 3 attend a rural school (30 mile round trip from here so presumably closer to an hour or more,in a car, from where he is) and DD4 and DS have school and nursery here too. I couldn't possibly mess them around any more. Same with me doing off somewhere. To be honest I want to me near them anyway.

I am strong again for now, but will see how today pans out. I am hoping that DD3's teacher doesn't say she has been having problems,or that her work has been suffering.

I rang his work today (anonymously) and he answered. So he is there at least. His voice sounded quite normal............

Hi Fading, just flicked through the posts I've missed in the last couple of days, been busy and not managed to MN (!!). You sound good, you sound strong too. Well done, will post again tonight but just nipped in to say Hi and Well Done [simle]

"simle" ooops, 's better

oh fading - i know you want them near who wouldnt.

And no he is not to take them to hers and he needs to be able to give them a stable routine too.

BUT you must let him take some of the responsiblity for HIS children - and yes he will have to re-arrange his shifts if he has to.

He NEEDS to face up to what he has done and if that means he needs to tell them at his work and re-arrange things so he can do his bit that is up to him to sort out.

You are being strong and you are 'allowing' him to walk away without having to do any of the dirty work.

Sorry i am not having a go at you but you need him and the children deserve him to be in their lives too. And if that upsets his nice little life with ow all the better.

Like you said if you were to crumple and get taken to hospital he would have to step in. And better he do it now under your terms than in an emergency where ow will probably be there to support your poor h.

Hope you have a good day today and feel strong.