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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help my husband left today

1001 replies

fadingaway · 01/05/2009 19:28

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

OP posts:
kalo12 · 02/05/2009 20:49

don't tell me you moved there for him

howtotellmum · 02/05/2009 20:54

Northerners are renowned for their friendliness and supportiveness- I am sure you will be taken care of by people if you open up to them.

Geographically, I know exactly where you are- near enough, anyway.

What about other mums at the school gates etc?

Longtalljosie · 02/05/2009 20:58

That doesn't mean you won't make new friends - even in the back arse of nowhere!

It's not true it's all over, sweetheart. People do find second - even third - husbands. There's no rule you only meet people in your 20s.

But try not to think that far ahead. At the moment, what you need is to get through the bank holiday weekend and speak to the doctor on Tuesday. What the others were saying about being on antidepressants after similar things happening makes me think perhaps this is something you should consider.

In the mean time, the Samaritans are there for you no matter what time of day or night it is.

I know it feels like you won't get through this, but you will, I promise.

OrmIrian · 02/05/2009 20:58

Oh good lord fadingaway I am so sorry. Nothing to add to all the good advice you've had, but just wanted to add my support.

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/05/2009 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bruces · 02/05/2009 21:09

So what if this is a trool? you don't have to leave a comment if you don't want to,
fadingaway its good for you to cry and howl at the moon as i call it,you can't bottle it up it's no good for you or your family.
just try and get through each hour and don't waste your time trying to find you ,he's the one who left he knows where you are! try and be positive and not say anything nasty about him in front of the kids.
good luck

jenwyn · 02/05/2009 21:16

From the few family visits I've had to a little village in the arse end of nowhere -near Durham-I know for a fact that even though you think you know no-one, They know you.My DH was accosted in the pub by some women who told him all about the family we were visiting.They had only been there months.

If you can open up enough to anyone in the area I would bet that they will be human enough to give you a shoulder to cry on.

I dont know how you are set up financially but if you need benefits (income support as a lone parent + Child tax credits-maybe housing and council tax benefits)you can start the ball rolling over the weekend by filing in forms on the internet. Someone will call you back on Tuesday.

www.dwp.gov.uk/eservice/

Find out if you qualify

direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/BeginnersGu ideToBenefits/DG_4016805

Please try to talk to someone outside the family though -it really does help to talk

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 21:37

we moved for a bigger house and a garden. It's a lovely garden and the kids have so much space. I rarely see mums at the school gate as DH takes DD to school when he is on the right shift. I tend to drop her and run so I won't be late for work.

I work full-time - thank you for the benefits links.

It will be hard financially but if I have to take another job when the DCs are in bed I will.

It is so hard telling you all this. There is no way I could tell someone in RL. I was brought up never to show upset, to the extent that I sat stony faced through the funerals of my dad then my mum. If I saw any of you in the street and you knew me I would be mortified.

I went to bed with DH's pillow last night and I slept for a hour and when I first woke up I didn't know,and then I remembered what had just happened. And I keep remembering. I can't see how this can ever get better. I think I had better go to the doctors next week. He is my whole life, him and the DCs. They are all I ever did that was right and good. And I can't bear it.

OP posts:
whatdoyouallthink · 02/05/2009 21:38

FA just wanted to post and send some support your way. My h left me as he said he didnt know what he wanted later found out there was a ow and then after he told me he finished with her we was going to give it another go. Then I found another phone which made it clear that things had never finished at all. He may have left me at the start of the year but I have gone backwards so much by letting him in again.

Do the practical stuff when my h left us I found it gave me something to focus on and made me feel better that I was doing something. Ring tax credits and whatever else you can claim it will make you feel a little better as things then dont seem so bleak. You will also then know where you stand financially.

I still have bad days but each day it will get better. Little by little, just take baby steps. Thinking of you and your dc.

numal · 02/05/2009 21:48

Be brave and strong for your lovely children. You must be in total shock at the nature of his leaving. How cruel he sounds. We are here thinking of you. You will get through this and come out at the other end a stronger person. Do not give up - you sound a wonderful woman. You may be in a very dark tunnel but trust that there is light at the end of it.

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 21:54

I am drinking now.I have never done this before. If I drink the whole bottle willit kill me? I just can't face tomorrow I am sorry

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 21:54

Just checked in to see how things had gone with you today, well done for getting through the day. I was reading your threads and it reminded me of how I felt at a certain stage of my life, I really did hit rock bottom, for me it was my H left me for another woman, we'd been together for 18 years, then within 6 months I lost my Mum who was truly my best friend. Anyway I experienced all the feelings you are talking about and you will go through so many more emotions but I just wanted to say please have hope, I honestly never thought my life would be happy and "normal" again but here I am, 8 years on, happier than I have ever been. It happens when you least expect it and you have a long and rocky road ahead of you but please have faith because there is hope and you do have a future. My Mum always said to me: "Head up, shoulders back and put a smile on that pretty little face"....do the same and try to be strong.

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 21:56

I have an Olivia too. It's a nice name. DH and I chose it together. I am sorry

OP posts:
GossipMonger · 02/05/2009 21:57

Dont drink the whole bottle FA as you will crap in the morning and you will still have to face the children.

I am so for you and I cannot believe a father would do this to his children and to his wife.

Keep strong and keep posting.

oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 21:58

and no, don't drink the whole bottle !!!

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 22:00

I don't want the morning to come I can't help them I drove their dad away obviously or he would still be here I must be so terrible for him to have done this

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 22:01

It's a gorgeous name IMO, you will find a lot of things that you and your H chose and did together, it's a terrible heartache. I wish we could make it better for you. Sorry

oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 22:03

No you didn't drive him away, he got attention elsewhere which in the beginning is extremely attractive and exciting, it will be a lot different when they live together, a lot lot different. Bide your time.

Original poster
fadingaway · 02/05/2009 22:03

his phone is still off I can't do this I am nothing anymore No wonder he left if Iam so pathetic. I can't

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 22:08

Stop phoning him, it will drive you insane. He will have to be intouch soon because of the children. Wait for him to call. You are too vulnerable now to speak to him anyway. Take things slowly....and if he thought you were pathetic he would have never left his children with you.

oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 22:12

What did he tell his Dad? Does he know where he is?

numal · 02/05/2009 22:13

You are clearly a wonderful woman and mother! You husband has behaved in the most heartless way. God knows what sort of woman he is with who would let this happen!!! As Oliviasmama says bide your time. You must get into survival mode. Think only of getting through tonight and tomorrow is another day. Have a couple of drinks but don't finish the bottle!! Where is your eldest daughter tonight?

tigana · 02/05/2009 22:14

What do you mean you can't do this...you already are. You have made it this far.

You are NOT nothing.
You are a mum.
You are a colleague.
You are a MNer
You are you.

None of that is nothing.

tigana · 02/05/2009 22:17

Crikey...I have gone a little schmaltzy...sorry!!

oliviasmama · 02/05/2009 22:19

absolutely right tigana

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