please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

No it doesn't. You are the least self-pitying women I have ever met.

Hello fading, we are here to keep you company and if collective MNetters hugs could reach you in RL you'd have been jolly squashed by now. Not the same as a hug from a loving H though and there must be many facets of your 'old' life that you must be mourning.

DS doesn't mean to beat you up or push you away! My two DSs have never been very cuddly. Maybe he is confused about everything as life is a little different for him at the moment and he's taking out his anxiety on you. He will adjust to the change in circumstances and he will get used to the new normal. Or maybe he is just being a toddler.

You are absolutely not being self-pitying. You are being unbelievably brave, dignified, unselfish and self-controlled. I know I am not alone in applauding you for the way you are dealing with this. Put your foot down and start telling DH what you want and need from him. Be proactive - don't wait for him to try and call the shots.

Hope you sleep well tonight and wake refreshed and with renewed energy to take on the world again.

ps don't forget to feed the dog

one day i think you should read back what you have written and you will be amazed at what a fantastic person you are. All too raw at the moment though

Just wanted to say how much I admire you for the way you're handling this whole thing.

Yesterday must have been very difficult (especially as he was so honest). Sounds like he is still being very selfish though. Agree with the others that he needs to take some responsibility for the children. I think you should insist he gets involved.

Hope you get some sleep

If she's a whore, that makes him one too.

He cried? Tears of self-pity when faced with the DC. He doesn't care enough about them to even ring them. He's a spineless weak fool.

He's still with her.

He hasn't asked to come back to you. Yes - he might do, after he's had both of you dangling for a while. At the moment it sounds as if he knows he's got two options - you or her. Why wouldn't he bide his time? He's having his cake and eating it. Stuffing his greedy fat face, in fact.

Are you going to wait for him to make a decision? In his own good time? While you suffer?

He's had two years with the OW. Plenty long enough to be able to choose.

Sadly your future is in his hands. Until he makes his decision, you can't move on.

no the decision is not in his hands at all. FA - you will carry on and he will see how strong you are.

I also do believe very strongly that he will regret this and deep down i also believe he wants to come home. He just hasnt got the balls to do the right thing at the moment.

At the moment FA you are not sure you even want him back and that is normal so dont be ashamed of it - and the fact that you are sensible and know that you need him to do the right thing before he does even try.

Of course you want him - you spent a huge part of your life with him and have shared so many things.

What makes me wonder is why this ow would want him. She has had 2 years to see learn all about your h and yet she is worried that it is not her he really wants???? Because it is not.

She forced him into a corner whereby he left you - she must feel so very secure right now.

However you do need to wait for him to come to you now - unforntately it may well be too late but only you will be able to say for sure if he does too little too late.

But you are in control now - he wont start divorce proceedings but it may be the shock he needs to help him come to his senses.

He is a weak man - who will do the minimum and try and cause the least fuss. She made him face some facts and now you can too.

Hope you are feeling strong today. Have a good one.

thinking of you FA, I can't add anymore than the other wise MNers have x

How are you this morning fading? Sorry to hear that you were so low last night. It's all completely normal. It's such a roller-coaster....

You CAN do this. I admire you so much for everything you have done and how far you have come over the time you've been posting.

We're all here for you x

I took a pill last night but still woke up to DS x3 with his cough..

This morning I got up and took dog out, put bins out for bin day, did two loads of washing, got the DDs and DS up, breakfasted, the two older DDS out to the school bus and then DS to nursery, back home with DD4 who had a biscuit and a hot chocolate while I put breakfast stuff in the dishwasher and changed all the water in the vases of flowers I got for my birthday. Then I took her to school and came on to work.

This will sound absolutely ridiculous but I want him to see, should he sneak home when we are all out, that my house is tidy and I am not falling about in a heap without him (well, metaphorically of course I am).
And I am determined that I will not be snivelling come tonight, I really am.

Last night I had just had enough of his questions. If DD4 is upset at school/after-school club today I will deal with it. If he wants to know how they are he either rings them himself or comes to see them.

I just can't go on like this and right now he is welcome to that old dog.

And apologies to any old dog lovers. I was referring to a specific two-legged version, not canines.

Message withdrawn

i know what you mean about wanting to appear in control and have a nice tidy house - its one less thing he can 'accuse' you of iyswim.

I think for your sanity you need to make some proper arrangements for him to see the children more than he has been.

You could say the children would welcome him a bit more and say that it would be great if he could help at this difficult time and make sure he sees that you are not going to be unreasonable with the children.

You are doing so well and he will one day see that you are too good for him.

Have a good day - thinking of you.

Good grief - what time do you get up FA? I'd need to get up at about 5am to get that done before school (you probably do).

You sound strong today - I hope he does sneak into your immaculate house (buy a few more flowers to put out, just in case .

You've hit a major swerve in the road and you've got your head down and are rising to it's challenge day in and day out and although there's no let up at the moment little by little it will straighten out and become clearer.....however, at the moment it is only natural that you feel totally disorientated and exhausted; what you are going through is truly dreadfull.

So, as many others have said, please, please be kind to yourself, you are AMAZING. It is during difficult times that one's strength of character is revealed. It is easy to be nice and loving when things are rosy but it requires great strength to do so when they are not. You have shown great, unfaultering love for ALL your family at this most difficult time and that in itself makes you very special indeed!

Fading

I have not posted before but I have been following your story and want to past on my best wishes and say that I really admire your strength, dignity and commitment to your family.

Bank Holiday Weekend is coming up and if I was in your position, I would pack some clothes for the children, take them to your H and tell him that he is having them for the weekend and then disappear.

Let him and his whore have the children and you have a much deserved break.

Having the children will certainly give the whore something to ruminate over!

That would be a good idea, but I still don't know where he is. I suggested it would be a good idea to have his details for emergencies but he just said I have his mobile number.

My plan for the Bank Holiday is to paint the kids' playhouse outside, or rather, and weather permiting, to let them do it. I just know I will regret this, but.........

He has now been in touch texting to ask what kind of a night I had and did the DC get off to school and nursery okay. I deleted it staightaway, and I am not going to reply. I am having to force myself not to, but I won't.

He just cannot cannot understand what he has done to me and that is what I believe. If his guilt equalled one-hundreth of the pain and humiliation I feel then he would be on his way to understanding, but I don't believe it does.

Please come over and sit on my hands to stop me sending him a message!

Fading. I haven't posted before, but yours is the first thread I look for and I think you are utterly wonderful. Just quick post for now, but if you know her name and a vague area she lives in, try 192.com for the address. It would be amazing if you could turn up there (with his post, or something)looking wonderful.

I personally wouldn't want the kids anywhere near this woman and I don't like the idea of children entering into any game playing, much as I understand the sentiments of other posters.

I would however, try to find out everything i could about the OW and where your H is staying and would feel a massive control surge if I surprised them both by turning up when they least expected it! You could also pass on the address to FIL and light the touch paper so that he goes round there and ridicules his son's choices.

Stay strong, play dirty and take proper care of yourself.

I really admire how you are dealing with all this. When a relationship I was in ended - I didn't want it to - someone told me to use the time thinking what I wanted which allowed me to have some control of the situation in a way. Are you able to do that? I think he will regret what he has done but he is behaving like a coward and I wonder if you really want to be married to someone who can behave in such an appalling, cowardly, insensitive and selfish way.

Why not write the texts but don't send them if it is too tempting or write them and then leave it a while so that you can look at them without being caught up in the feeling?

i dont think i could not text either. Do you email him at all?

If it were me i would really play on his guilt (small as it seems at the moment), could you email him some photos or maybe just a breakdown of the day for him to feel he really is missing out.

Is he at work? You really do need to make sure he is able to be contacted at all times and again i would let his work know that he is no longer with you.

Do you feel strong enough to let council know you are now single adult in house? You get quite a discount - and even though my h was not gone for long it made me feel i was moving forward.
Also need to think about who is on utilities ect as it can be difficult if there is a problem.
Also think about bank accounts if you have joint it may be worth talking to him about where you go from here?

Dont feel bad that you are asking him for help either - these are his responsibilities ffs, and the sooner ow sees what a comitment she has taken on the better. Although i would not be happy about bringing her into the childrens lives just yet - make sure he has his time with the children.

Hi fading, another one here who has just read the whole thread and I want you to know that I think you are simply incredible. I have only been through this on a micro scale, but that was bad enough. I know you don't know how you're doing it, or even if you really are, but your strength and courage in getting through each and every hour, day and week since that scumbag did this to you is inspirational - and I include your ability to share and articulate your feelings on here in that.

You are doing so, so brilliantly, I promise. You have a million times the strength that he has, and every second that you carry on surviving, not only without him but with the suffocating pain of it all, just reinforces that.

You are absolutely right to delete the texts. No more texting, if he wants to know about you or the children then he has to ask you.
Don't let him dictate events, that way you will feel powerless. I think you can be more assertive and it will make you feel in control.
His behavior is cowardly you however have been brave and strong.

Also, on a practical level - with the texting, could you write down his number and delete it from your phone? Then if you want to text him you have to find the piece of paper and physically type it in, which gives you extra thinking time to change your mind about sending it. (But of course as this is the only way you can contact him about the kids, I understand if you don't want to do this).

I started a private blog where I wrote all the emails I wanted to send to my ex instead of actually sending them. It felt empowering to know that my ex wouldn't know how much I was crumbling, and I could still let my feelings out. Maybe something like that would work for you.

Yes, don't send that message!!! You will feel in a much stronger position if you don't reply, or maybe just reply once every five or six of his messages. Or only reply to the important ones re. picking up the kids, whatever. How dare he expect you to engage in chit chat to him. Let him feel forlorn and all alone by not replying. Taste of his own medecine. And just send short to the point texts- it'll drive him mad.

I. Will. Not. Text.

At least this is how I feel now.

I don't know her name nor where she lives.

I have already written to mortgage lender, Council Tax etc (I think I may have posted that I was going to do this one evening, and I did).

He will be back to work tomorrow. I should very much like to post his number so that random MNers could make silent calls, but I am better than that! I have decided that I am going to be calm and dignified and if that old dog wants to beg him to stay with her, or shag him constantly, or whatever the hell it is she is doing, then let her. He will decide what he wants to do. If he wants to come home I will decide if he can.

I have more balls than he does!

It's just that when it gets to around nine o'clock in the evening I don't believe all my big talk any more and I get very very upset, again. I go straight back to if I was younger/thinner/better in bed/a better cook. Maybe that is a stage I have to just get through.

Good girl. What a brilliant plan to paint and do up the playhouse. Go forward in strength, delete any thought of the ow from your mind, every time it comes into your head, think of something else.
And let's all pray for good weather on BH Monday.