please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

I can't really add anything useful, but just wanted to say well done for surviving yesterday FA

sounds like it went as well as it could i suppose.

well done and chin up for the coming week xx

sorry, no wise words to offer.
to echo custardo, yes well done, i am just so amazed by your courage.
we are all here for you this week and will help in whatever ways we can.
big cuddles for the children xxxxx

Hi FA

Not posted before but been following.

I wanted to just say that I think you are handling this very well, and you should be really proud of yourself.

xxx

I really don't think I want him back because she has him or won't have him, I really don't.

I know 100% that I want him back for the children, that is a given.

But for me. I looked at him yesterday and just wanted to say "how could you?". I have survived without him, although I never ever thought I would. And not just survived, I have got on and done stuff. I don't know how, but I have. So I can go on.

And I wonder if "we" got lost along the way somewhere in the midst of having five DC, full-time jobs, always knackered etc.

But against that is the thought well, I was as tired, just as responsible for the DC, etc, and I didn't go and do this terrible thing to him. I never, ever would.

And if he did come back I'd be wondering that he was up to when he went out and so on.

And as for a sex life with him again, that would be a huge stumbling-block for me and I am not sure I could get over it. Maybe I tie up sex and love too much.

It's all ifs and whys and becauses isn't it. And he hasn't said he wants to come home, I just think that he is leading up to it.

Can it work if a man comes back?

Oh Fading, well done. It sounds like you were so dignified and controlled ysterday. It must have torn at your heart strings (whatever they are!) to see the DCs so thrilled to see their Daddy. He has no idea does he ...

You must be in turmoil once again. I don't feel qualified to give any advice but probably will anyway; sorry! Please don't make any decision on the back of one discussion. His promises and assurances and contrition (even if genuine) can't erase his actions of not just the past two weeks but past two years. That's a very long time to deceive someone. In effect he kind of had two affairs. When the OW broke it off the first time he had a second opportunity to exercise self control and say No when she contacted him to revive the affair. It was his considered choice to start seeing her again in the same way that it was his considered and planned decision to leave in such a callous cowardly way. That's an awful lot for you to forgive (for yourself and for the DCs) although not impossible in time. Good, open, honest communication from DH starting now would help and maybe he could stop hiding behind 'text message' conversations and actually ring his DCs and you.

Give yourself time to breathe again Fading. You are such an amazing lady and everyone really hopes that you will continue to find your way though this nightmare to a place of peace and healing. In the meantime, where did you put the paintbrush

Sorry FA crossed posts with you as I took a phone call whilst typing.

Fading, so glad your here. It sounds as if things were ok yesterday.

Can it work, I don't know. I think it depends on the people concerned, it couldn't work for me, the trust has gone and I wouldn't trust that person again, in trust I give someone everything of me (the bad bits come too!) but it's everything I am and once that is broken I can't mend it. BUT that is only me and you are you, you will know. As someone has already said, take your time, things will become clearer and you will become more established with your independancy which will give you strength. The strength to work it out with him or the strength to carry on as you are.

Don't forget that some men can sleep with women and detach themselves from all emotion, try not to get too hung up about that and as you say it'll have bigged up his ego no end! Silly sod, did he really think he could just slope off and start a new life...wimp wimp wimp!

You are doing a GREAT job Fading, keep on doing it and for what it's worth, I truly think if you can spend the next 6 months on your own you'll feel better for it whatever the outcome. I don't think he's up to the job really but as you say, you love him and I will support you whatever your decision. Only you can decide.

Good to hear from you.

Yes you HAVE survived without him and you have changed in the process into a stronger independent woman and Mum. He has broken your trust and your heart and neither can be 'fixed' easily. But many marriages do survive affairs ....

Try not to think too far ahead Easy to say, sorry. You don't have to decide anything now except what is best for you and your DC today - and that is something you have been doing SO well since DH left. Don't be tempted to put your needs and choices at the bottom of the list - it is imperitive for the DCs that their Mum has a degree of self respect, self belief, self worth, self esteem and peace of mind! Phew that's made me feel inadequate but I hope you know what I mean . Take care of yourself today Fading. Hugs from all of us.

Hiya Fading, I haven't read all your posts - but as my name suggests I am in Northumberland - if I am anywhere near you and you need a cuppa / chat. Please let me know.
xxxx

Hi FA

It can work if he comes back - there are people on Mn and elsewhere who can testify to that.

He would have to be prepared to show you, day and night that he wants this relationship more than anything else. But you too would need to be honest with him and with yourself. It would be such a shame to hide away your hurt or doubts for the children's sake, or for old times sake. By airing them, and bringing them into the open, you both have chance to deal with those issues, and to have a relationship which is all the more honest and vital for that. It's a big ask, but the fact that you know that you can more than survive without him, means that you have a geniune choice. You can go it alone, or you can allow him a chance to prove to you that what he can offer you is worth fighting for.

Take your time. No one else can decide whether you are ready to make this decision yet, , but we are all rooting for you.

FA- I think there is a lot of hope that he will come back.

I also think that everyone deserves another chance ( unless they have done something despicable like murder.)

What seems more of an issue is not that he has strayed, but the manner of his leaving- avoiding confrontation. I think it might help you if you dwelt not on HOW he left, but WHAT has been happening.

It's not up to me to advise- God, I have a thread of my own here about my own marriage- but many relationships do survive affairs, if you both work at it. I don't think you were to "blame" in any way for what he did, but as a couple it would appear that you need to talk more, so that his dissatisfaction with the family and noise etc was something he should have discussed, and you could possibly not be so dependent on him- and develop a support network/friends in real life.

I suppose what I am saying is if you let him come back, don't just try to pick up where you both left off, but have a really honest look at the whole of your lives and what maybe needs tweaking.

Yes, some marriages survive affairs, and even come out of them stronger. Some don't. The only thing I would advise is to give yourself a bit more time and space before you make a decision.

well done fading, i'm going to have a think before posting any advice.

FA, it really is up to you, you need to decide if you can work through this and move on, which would be no mean feat, but people have done it.
I am glad that it went as well as it could do and hope that you're OK.

You are handling this magnificently FA.
Take your time over any decisions that may have to be made. Has he arranged to make a return visit to you?

it can work - but you will both need to be open and honest about what you want.

Of course at the moment you do not want him (well he hasnt said he wants you and only you yet has he) and you are protecting yourself from further hurt.

He too will not know what he wants and until he is sure it is all pie in the sky.

But i do know that it can work if you want it too. It is hard to forgive - you never forget and as for trust you have to learn to trust on a different level altogether.

The main thing now is whatever happens you will be a happier person - you WILL learn a lot about yourself and what you are prepared to live with.

You know deep down you dont really want him back just for the children as you wouldnt really want him to come back just for the children - that is just not fair to anyone. However it is hard to seperate the children from the equation altogether.

He has broken something so special and he is the only one able to begin to fix it.

You have lots to think about - give yourself all the time you need and take it really slowly, only you will know if he is doing enough to convince you - dont be scared of 'losing' him to her and only go for him if it is what you want not just to 'win'.

Good luck and thinking about you lots.

No, I don't feel as though I would "win" if that makes sense.

He has arranged to come back to see them this coming Sunday and will take them out. He is also off on the Monday but I do not know if he is planning to see them then.

She made him bring her car yesterday, so she would know that he had to go back to her if only to give the car back. She is apparently very scared that he will leave her. I cannot have any sympathy for her. If he does leave at least she will have had some warning. Apparently she left her husband four years ago and I said that if she had left him, might she not leave my DH as well? Not much of a track record. I've asked a little bit about her out of morbid curiousity. She is three years older than me, about the same build-wise. The main difference appears to be that she is a whore and I am not.

Gosh fading, I wish I could be as dignified in the face of yesterday's visit.

My parents decided to keep on trying after dad betrayed mum in a similar way (it wasn't a 'physical' affair, but was everything but - an emotional affair involving phone sex, hundreds of emails, texts etc with a family friend). 2 years down the line, my parents have a very strong relationship and dad has cut the OW out of his life. He has a better relationship with us (though we are all grown, he's better at being a dad and grandad).

It can be done, but it's bloody hard. You need a lot of time to think about what you want to do.

Best of luck and stay strong xx

I'm sorry I hope I haven't offended anyone using the "w" word.

X - posts. I think you are well-entitled to call her a whore. I think you've been pretty reserved so far! Far more Anglo-Saxon terms would have been yelled by me in the face of such treatment!

and at her using her car as some sort of deposit.
When he was coming home to see his family!
Sorry, but she has every right to feel insecure, the price you pay I'm afraid.

FA, you need to sit and discuss things with your husband, without the DC around.

Oh, and I don't think anyone will be in the least bit offended by the "W" word.

FA - why is he the one saying when he can see the children - what about asking him to 'babysit' for you.

I dont know what your situation is but you work too dont you and you deserve a night off from time to time.

Please go and seek some legal advice if only to put your mind at rest as to what he will actually have to cough up to keep you. My solicitor said that with 4 children to look after it was reasonable to expect some sort of help to look after them - ie a nanny or at least a mothers help.

Of course it depends on how much he used to look after them anyway - but dont forget you need to look after yourself too now and cant rely on him for a while yet.

Getting him to some babysitting will give him a taste of what life will be like - watching you go out for a good time whilst he has to do his share of the childcare.

Say all the words you like - i am sure i have used them all and will not be offended - anyone that is need not follow the thread.

Happywoman makes an excellent point, why should you all fit in with what is convenient to him?
Why not say that you have plans one Sunday, it is not convenient so perhaps he could come over in the week/Saturday afternoon and night and then you could go out? Anywhere.

darling - i absolutley mean this - the other woman needs five children in her house to realse what she has let herself in for.