please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

fading- the other woman is rarely "better" in any way- just different. what some men want, quite simply, is a change and a boost to their egos ( and women too- men don't have affairs with themselves.)

Although you are thinking he has strayed because of some fault in you- that is not so- it is a failing in HIM- that he needs to f ind something elsewhere.

I don't have any suggestions over whether you take him back or not, but if you decide to, then would you consider couples counselling? I know it is a cliche, but when long marriages break down and one party says "But I thought we were happy" it often shows there has been a huge gap in communication. Would the counsellor you see now be able to see you both as a couple- even if it doesn't end up with you staying together it can give you a neutral space to talk, and if you are even thinking of taking him back I'd want counselling to be a pre-requisite that he agreed to.

When he tires of waiting for a txt response he will call you. It's completely understandable that the nights are the worse. We will be here later for you. You are handling this whole sad business so well. I am sure you will have the last laugh - as for the trollop, she's not worthy of your time or energy thinking about her. God knows what sort of woman has a fling with a father of 5! She sounds vile She is nothing. Your Husband is one to direct all your anger towards. Conserve your energy for that.

Have only just come to this thread. I've read it from top to bottom. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but -

if you could see the progress you've made, Fading ...

I'm in awe of your strength and clarity of thought.

In awe.

xxx

Nice to hear that spark of defiance, FA. You knock the spots off him in every way.

Move away from the mobile! Let him come to you.

DON'T TEXT HIM

How f*king dare he text you and ask these day to day details? He didn't give a f*k about how the children were last week did he? or how you were? on yr behalf FA.

He's being a knob again.

He's either caring father who speaks to his dcs and is involved in their lives/care or he's not.

And as for you, then how can he reasonably expect to ask how you are whilst he's spent the night in another woman's bed? FFS

Probably doesn't help to have me ranting on yr behalf but couldn't help it

Have a good day and stay strong

As Ive said before on other threads I too have 5 kids any my husband cheated. He didnt leave but that wasnt easy as I didnt have the space to make an informed decision. He kept in touch with the ow for a month although I never knew, it sounds stupid but he says he felt guilty about her!! (yes what about me). They get themselves in too deep and cant get out. He almost wants you to tell her its over cos he hasnt got the balls. He wants back in of course he does, who wouldnt.
Dont rush to have him back make the most of it. Let him show you and prove his love if thats what you want. The trouble is you didnt make the decision to leave him, you still loved him and this shock will last for a long time. It will be starting over except its full of hassle and tears. We still cry 16 months on. I know Happwoman has been through the same thing and I always think she offers sensible advice. I too used to go out alot at first, but small steps when your ready. I think its good you dont know too many details, try not to delve too deep, that was the worst bit for me I asked too many questions and I know too much.

Good on you Fading, you are such a strong woman, you really are. He doesn't deserve you at all.

Painting the playhouse sounds great fun, lovely idea

We don't know if the other woman even knows he was married never mind had five children. Plenty of women and men cheat on a spouse without telling the other person they aren't single so she may be as innocent as FA in this.

As for whether to be in touch with him people who commit adultery and then are allowed back usually cotinue to do it because they've been allowed to get away with it and continue it after. I know a few like that but not all. So it certainly needs to be made clear to him. He probably feels very torn between the person he loves and wants to make a life with (or thinks he does) and his wife, children whom he loves etc.

I woudl put a load of domestic duties on him - force him to have the children for a week whilst you fly off somewhere warm on your own and then see how his new lover likes it when she's up with babies in the night and having to deal with the realities of life as stepmother of 5 - that may well send her packing. You nobly carrying on doing 100% of the domestic chores and children things just makes him think he has a mug and post separation life is dead easy.

Xenia - I think he told Fading on Sunday that the ow didn't know he was married when they first slept together, when he told her she ended it and then some time later she called him out of the blue and started it again. Not sure if she knows about the children but she did know he went to visit his children on Sunday so I guess she knows at least some of it.

Absolutely agree on the domestic duties point. Would be so tempted to wait until he arrives on Sunday then walk out leaving him a note saying you are off and might text in a week or so. Then go to the airport and go off somewhere sunny! OK that would be a terrible idea from the children's perspective so you wouldn't do it but he does need to face up to his 50% responsibility for the children.

well done for not texting - i am not around in the evenings but if you are able to cat me then i will be happy to give you my number and you can always call me.

The writing down stuff is a really good idea as it gives you some focus for your thoughts and once you have got out the negative feelings you usually feel better. It also gives you the chance to look back and see just how your emotions have changed.

I still have a book that i do add to every now and then but have not looked at the early stuff for a very very long time now and probably need to burn it now anyway.

I used to think of lots of ways of revenge to the ow - some of them were really very evil indeed. Just knowing i could think what i wanted made me feel stronger, as i dont think i ever actually wanted to carry any of them out.

I would also say that when you are ready it is good to find out as much as you can about ow - even to the point of hiring a PI (although with a little bit of info it is amazing what you can find out especially with willing MNers to help).

Just having the info makes you feel somehow stronger.

Just to add to Happywomans, I did get revenge and I have to say I loved every minute of it, I got revenge on him and her and I didnt make myself look stupid at all, ffs Id just had my world shattered, everyone understood.

Perhaps knowing a few details is good,but not too much. But it has to be over completely, get him to tell her its over in front of you or see her in person and let him say it.

You have to decide what you want first. If you do decide to take him back be prepared for a very bumpy ride, it will be the hardest thing you've ever done. Although the way you coped is amazing, if you can get through it like you have the last few weeks then you'll have no problems. This is not something that can be brushed under the carpet and not talked about. You will talk for England!! Stay strong like always

Yes, agree with debs - decide what you want because if you do want him back that requires very different tactics than if you don't.

If you want him back then it may well be you need to accept there is some fault - I don't subscribe to the view that the adulterer is always the only one in the wrong although no matter what their other half has done the adultery remains wrong.

(Thanks Catz hadn't read that bit. Someone in the summer didn't tell me about his second new young family, not that we had done by that stage, anything more than meet once for a drink although we had talked lots on the phone and got fairly close. Men (and just as often women) lie about those things so often.)

I echo Happy Woman's advice about trying to get as much information as possible, as I genuinely think that knowledge is power. Does he work with OW, did he say how they met etc.? I think it is hugely unreasonable of him not to tell you where he is living at the moment, especially when he switches his mobile off so frequently. Try to find out as much as you can about the OW, Fading. I think if they are work mates, I'd be tempted to sit up and wait for them to leave the building, then confront them if you feel up to it.

The OW is entirely complicit in this horror and needs to face up to her own part in this. There are simply no excuses. For what it's worth though, I think he's protecting her by saying she backed off the first time, on discovery that he was married. He won't want to paint her as a home-wrecker, unfortunately.

Fading, you can certainly build a stronger marriage after an affair, but there needs to be total honesty and absolutely no contact between the affair partners. We are all different - and I respect Debs' views about knowing too much, but I needed to know absolutely everything before I could move on. My imagination was far worse than the reality anyway (though that was bad enough), but for me, I didn't want something ambushing me at a later date.

In my case, the OW was a vicious, nasty person and she behaved abominably when my DH ended it with her, even to the point of making horrible comments about our eleven year old DD. I therefore had every reason to think that she wouldn't let up and that some awful bit of information would come my way at some point. I therefore needed him to tell me EVERYTHING so that once I was on the road to recovery, she couldn't set me back.

As I suspected, she posted a fresh series of allegations on a social networking site, but as she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, she even managed to contradict some of her own information - and without going into details, I had concrete proof that what she was alleging couldn't possibly have happened.

So in summary, I always think more information is better than too little - and if I had my time again, I would cause as much trouble as was humanly possible for the OW. I was too nice, too dignified, too scared that there would be repercussions for our children and too decent to 'phone her husband and tell him what had been going on.
Like Happy Woman, my fantasies about George Clooney have been temporarily replaced with images of the OW coming to a gruesome and painful end....!

Since I therefore love hearing revenge stories, able to share yours Debs?

you could text 'piss off you twat' if you really must text.

i should think the other woman is getting on his nerves now.

now waht about you? what can you do to make yourself feel good? watch a feel good dvd, something with someone you want to emulate or something that will give you a different perpective.

Have you got a tv in your bedroom? you could get into bed and watch tv and hopefully it will absorb your thoughts and you can get a restful sleep.
paint your toenails, change your hair

But don't text, at least not tonight. he probably isn't allowed his phone on til morning anyway.

Don't text. Do what I do - write the text and store it in 'drafts'. Then you can consider sending it/them as a response to his texts, or just read them when you want a bit of strength.

the problem with texting him is that you will tell him what he wants to know then be waiting for a text back and that will drive you mad and make you wish you'd never texted at all.

what you could do is send a blank text, then that will drive him mad for a bit wondering what you meant to say.

(i know, its low isn't it)

Don't text him!! He doesn't even tell you where he is living or anything. He is not deserving your attention whatsoever. He is protecting himself, the OW and his perceived entitlement to deal with this at a distance from you. Not once has he shown any respect for you and he has put you and the children second best since he came up with this smart idea of leaving you without telling you.

You are doing so well, only he doesn't know that because he has chosen to sweep you under the carpet. I still cannot believe that one human can be so rotten to another human, especially one that they are married to.

Honestly, don't play his games and enable his behaviour by joining in with his texting. You are worth so much more than him, I know it is hard but look how far you have come. You have proven yourself to be the one who copes under the most trying of situations

When I mentioned that I knew too many details I think that knowing who she is ect is fine, but I delved too deep asked about the sex side etc which was hard to swallow (excuse my pun) apparently she did!!! Thats the kind of details I meant, apart from that I know everything about her.
I have moved on although its early days (16 months on) it hurts like hell. You have to do what is right for you, I needed revenge and that made me feel better even though I got a caution!!

I hope you are keeping busy Fading & that your day at work was OK.

all I know about her is she is three years older than me, has a daughter three years older than our eldest DD and she walked out on her husband four years ago. That's it.

He works in a very male-orientated atmosphere - there are virtually no women there at all.

I want to know it all, I want to know about their sex life. I want to see where I have gone so horribly wrong.

It's DD3's parents evening tomorrow and I will go with her, but he won't be there.

He sent another text earlier saying either I was having a busy day or I was pissed off with him. It so saddens me that he really does appear to have no idea of what he has done to me. He has said he will see the DC on Sunday but when I asked about Monday too he said he had volunteered for overtime. You see, this is what I have to cope with. He suggested looking after them next Wednesday and said he'd "get here early". I said it isn't fair on the DC, they (little ones especially) won't understand what is going on if he comes and goes.

Tonight I just feel numb, like I am watching someone else going through this terrible thing. I still can barely believe this man is doing it to me.

FA_ i might be talking rubbish here, but is there a place for mediation with all of this? Is it right that couples go into mediationto try to find a civilised way of sharing child care etc etc?

If so, would you consider setting it up?

I would simply not text your H- either talk to him by phone or in person. Texting imo is impersonal and a bit of a cop-out - you cannot see or hear the other person's reactions, so it is easy to avoid them.

The hide of the man, suggesting that he may have 'pissed you off'. No, no, as you were, all cheery here!

Sorry, I'm just so bloody cross on your behalf!

'pissed off with him' . Is he autistic FA? would this explain some of his lack of understanding of the situation? (I have no experience of autisim so apologies if I am barking up wrong tree and this wouldn't be pertinent behaviour).

He cannot possible fathom what he's done. They can't, men and women are different. With finding out about the sex I thought the same, I still keep asking him and all my friends if its the same (as Ive only been with him).
You will feel numb, sadly its very early days which ever way you decide to go. Life will never be the same. Keep on doing what you are. Thats one thing I can say - my kids have come through (all 5 of them) seeing their mum and dad ripped apart. Its terrible but also real and true, life is not perfect and hopefully it has made them see that realtionships are not easy.

Relationships - I can spell