please help my husband left today

[fadingaway]

11th August would have been our Silver wedding anniversary.

We have 5 children.

I was at work. My 11 year old rang me in floods of tears. He had taken the two youngest to nursery, left a note saying he would always love them, and just went. Left a note for me saying he's been seeing someone else for two years.

I have nobody in RL, I only had him. The younger children just keep asking for daddy, the older ones are in bits. I would have laid down my life for him. Please help me. I don't think I can cope with this. His phone is off. I don't have a clue where he is.

i know it upset my h when i did go out alone - one i just drove around the other night i met some friends and another night i went over to a friends and got a lift home. He was itching to ask but knew that he shouldnt really as he had left then.

Those times gave me some space and him a taste of what it would be like.

Of course i looked fantastic when i went out and the house was also spotless and calm when he came to babysit - i also changed all the passwords on the computer so he couldnt snoop on me - i knew he had tried too.

Gives you a bit of confidence too.

I doubt anyone will be offended by the 'W' word - I'm sure we've all thought it to ourselves.

I'd also want to be sure that he wasn't coming back because it was cheaper than keeping you and her.

I guess the worst case scenario is if he comes back and then leaves again for her. You need to be sure that it is totally over. He needs to have a proven track record of not needing to go back to her before you let him into your heart again. You need to know what he won't miss her like he misses you and go slinking back.

I'm sorry you are in such a horrible situation.

When is your next counselling session?

and if he says 'but you never go out' or similar - reply by saying 'i have learnt a lot about myself i never knew too - but i do want to start going out now'

It is not game playing as such but will make you feel more in control - even if at first you just go and sit in a car-park and read a book, or listen to music, or even give yourself the chance to do the weekly shop in your own time.

Also think of some things you would like to do or change from now on and try and do it. i started buying a newspaper to read and gave myself time each day just to become more up to date with the world - which is hard when you have young children draining all your energy.

Take care now.

absolutly need to make sure she is out of your lives forever - i toatally agree with the no contact rule and really dont think it can be done any other way - although we did try her still working with my h for a while but it just didnt work for anyone.

FA I have been following too and am amazed by your strenght in carrying on after such a terrible let down.

If I were you I would leave all the questions about whether it could ever work again to one side for now. Firstly he has to decide whether he wants to come back. If he does he has to be prepared to knock the other relationship totally on the head and you must have proof of this. Then I would tell him that you cannot have him back under the same roof until he has proved himself. He could move into a flat nearby and be on hand for the kids. Meanwhile you carry on carrying on. Get stronger and give yourself time to think about what you want and whether you even want to try to make it work. In the end you may decide he isn't worth it. If you are going to come to that conclusion it is better that he is at arms lenght rather than back in the home with some sort of "marriage of convenience" established. Better too for your kids to stick with the current situation until you know for sure whether he is going to be living with them permanently again.

If he moves back in before it is all resolved you will still be in the process of absorbing what he has done and will still have a lot of resentment and hurt to process. You won't be able to get back on track like that.

Don't worry about keeping him hanging on - you deserve that space. If he won't agree to it and goes back to the OW then you have the satisfaction of knowing that he isn't worthy and she is stuck with him by default.

If she is that scared he is going back to you it says a lot. She is seeing how unhappy he is without his family. It is only going to get worse for her the more he sees his kids and you - especially if you are civil to him and make the effort to get on.

It sounds like he has already realised he has made a terrible mistake. Now he needs to demonstrate how he plans to sort out the mess he has made. If he expects to come crawling back and for you to make everything easy for him he doesn't realise the enormity of what he has done. And you would not be doing your kids any favours by having him back and all living in a soured unhappy resentful home.

Good luck brave lady.

Wow - sounds like yesterday went pretty well under the circumstances and you have coped - AGAIN.

Agree with most of the comments already made, especially about you going out whilst he babysits. Get yourself dressed up to the nines, and even if you go and sit in the car park at your nearest Tesco's, he doesn't need to know that.

Also, maybe he needs to wine and dine you, make the effort for you, feel the pressure of that.

I so hope that the long term outcome is a good one for you.

You don't sound like someone who wants him back. Often the one cheated on will say - I still love him, must be the lover's fault and you can feel they do still want that person. But I don't get that impression from what you write. And he may decide he doesn't want to come back anyway even if you would let him.

"Can it work if a man comes back? " Does for some. I have a friend whose wife found out about his very long term affair. She forgave him. They are happy. (What she doesn't know is he still sees his mistress once a week though I'm not saying that would always be so).

David Blunkett's lover even had a baby with him within her marriage and her husband accepted the baby and his wife back. So yes people do manage it

Second completely what mrsboogie says.

I just feel that I want to know what is happening so I can try and start moving on, in whichever direction that may be.

DD4 has been upset at school and tearful today. I wasn't going to tell him and then I though no, bollocks, this is ALL coming on to me, so I tried ringing but of course his phone was off. So I sent a message saying she was upset and it was only right he knew that. Then he started asking (via text) how was she now, had she been very upset (what's that supposed to mean?) how was she this morning, how was DS this morning, when are DD1's exams etc.

He doesn't want to ring and talk to them because it upsets him. That whore is asking him what he is going to doand he's telling me about it. My FIL has been ringing to find out what happened yesterday. DD1 wants to know if her dad is ever going to
think about contacting her. DD2 is up with her boyfriend and DD3 is out with her friends. I've only just been able to settle DD4. I've just come downstairs, I haven't eaten and I just think well what about me? I am seeing to everybody else in this family and what about me? Nobody asks about me. All I get from all sides is what everyone else needs and wants and I just feel invisible. I woke up in the of the night panicking. I was just terror-stricken at what is happening.

I think I have said this before but I do feel MN is keeping me going.I don't mean to sound melodramatic but you are keeping me sane. And tomorow I have to get up, smile, and do it all again don't I. Jesus.

It upsets him. Bloody hell. Fading, it sounds a nightmare.

Look, I know you want to rush and have a decision and to know which way to build your life, but I see it a bit differently. I think you need to build 'evidence' that he can give you what you need now. You need evidence he is going to be able to communicate or get professional help to enable him to communicate better (or it is going to go down the pan again). Refusing to answer the phone is not providing that. He is being very weak. Can you tell him that? i.e. 'Look, it might upset you but you are still their father and how you deal with this break will impact on the rest of their lives so be a man and live up to your responsibilities' type thing.

You need evidence he can either live without you, or without her - none either way so far.

Your poor children - and most importantly, poor you. You may feel invisible, but you are giving your children sound foundations to build their lives on. They won't see your selflessness now, but they will one day.

Oh Fading. I don't have much to add to the excellent advice that people have given above but wanted to say that I have been thinking of you over the past few days. You have been fantastic and so strong and yes you are going to have to get up and do it all again tomorrow and you will do it and you will do it well. But I agree with those posting above that you really do need some time out of all this. Whatever is happening between you and him, they are his children and he is just as responsible for them and their daily welfare as you are (especially as you both work). He can't simply abdicate his responsibilities, enjoy a few hours with them at the weekend and leave you to pick up the pieces. He needs to take on some of the practical responsibilities and give you a break (if that's what you want). Can he come straight after work and do the whole evening thing whilst you go out? Even if it is just a drive into town, a walk around and a book with a drink it will give you some space to think and be yourself. Can he have the children (or at least the younger ones) overnight so you have some time at the weekend? Perhaps you could meet up with some of the Durham girls. I wouldn't call it babysitting, it's just fulfilling a tiny fraction of his responsibility.

Did he acknowledge how much he had hurt you or give you any indication that he realised just what he has put you through?

PS I can't believe anyone would be offended by the whore comment, I'm sure we've all been thinking worse of both of them!

Fading you are right to want to know what is going on. So you can take control of your own life.

He probably doesnt really know himself what he is thinking and i still think he is regreting it deeply (or soon will if he isnt already).
The terrible thing is this ow will be at an advantage as she will have been able to gather as much information about you and your family and how she thinks your h will react.
BUT she could not have bargained for you being so strong and in control and that will be scary for her (no sympathy just stating the obvious).

You are doing so well and even if you dont feel it you have in some ways the upper hand here, keep the moral high ground and you will feel better for it. Just because they have/are treating you badly you dont have to lower yourself to their level.

We are always here for you to keep you sane and strong.

OK, have had wine and am ill, so going to be blunt.
You need to be more selfish and more strident.
You TELL him that you don't want to hear about his OW issues, he's made his bed, now let him lie in it. You TELL him that he needs to parent YOUR/HIS children and that communicating via text is a childish and cowardly way to go about it. He needs to get his selfish, cowardly ass round to your house and start being the parent he is, if he doesn't want to be a husband, fine, but it is NOT right that it is all down to you. Not at all.
You are such an amazing and strong woman, your children are lucky to have you.
He is sounding so weak and he is leaning on you, when you need help and support. You have young DC, you have a daughter doing exams, but they also have a Father.
Get tough.

I know it's not enough, but we are ALL thinking of you first, even if we're only virtual friends.

I wish I knew what to say about the children. I certainly think for the oldest one (23), she should call her father herself if she wants to talk to him. She is an adult now. That may sound harsh, but you don't need to be taking it from all sides. (I say this as someone whose dad had affairs, and I did confront him).

I guess the only solace you can take in this is that you are coping, and coping well enough that people don't recognise that you need help too!

Your H is being a big f*cking baby. He needs to take responsibility for what he has done and talk to his children, regardless of whether it 'upsets' him. They need security and reassurance, and it shouldn't be just up to you to give it. He needs to tell them he still loves them, that what he did was HIS responsibility (not yours or theirs), and that whatever happens, he will still be their father.

As to the FIL, you may have to lay it out for him--he needs to contact his son if he wants to know what is happening. You need support now, not a grilling.

I think one way you can move forward is to decide what you want, and not wait for him. Easier said than done I'm sure, but as you've said before, the decision about whether he comes home is up to YOU now.

yes its not babysitting as such as he should take his fair share of the childcare anyway.

The ow cant feel very safe can she? well too bad - she will have to get used to it too if she wants him. And it would be much easier for her to see you as the wicked wife who never took care of her husband, than the wonderful woman who is doing so brilliantly and acting as a real woman should.

and she will have to be careful in pointing out your faults to him now too.

yes, sorry to be so self-pitying. I am definitely wobbling tonight. It's the first night in a while I haven't dashed about cleaning or whatever to keep busy.

And tomorrow is another day. But being stuck in today is no fun right now.

I feel as though I am kind of running out, does that sound stupid? Running out of energy and stuff. Maybe if I collapsed in a heap...but people here would either climb over me or draw on me or something.

That bastard.

lean on us as much as you need.

keep muddling through until things become clearer, and things are getting clearer by the day.

what a shit, not being contactable...he will lose all credibility where the dc are concerned...

understand you want him home, you want to feel normal again. what mrs.boogie says is right, thats how to do it properly. i dont know what i would do, you are doing so bloody well.

how do you feel about meeting up with some of the local mumsnetters whilst you are getting through this. no pressure, we know you are busy but are desparate to assist.

sending all our love to you and the children x

leave the mess - it will be there tomorrow - although i know how nice it is to feel ready for tomorrow.
You wont fall into a heap either - you are far too strong for that. And soon you will feel stonger even if you dont at the moment.

FA, you don't sound self-pitying at all
I think you sound like you are doing a fantastic job, I've seen a huge change in your posts over the last 2 weeks

The last thing I think of you is self-pitying.
FA, you are a strong, capable and wonderful woman. That feckless husband of yours is realising that, i think, and deeply regretting what he has done. I think the OW knows it too.
The ball is firmly in your court.
I am slattern when it comes to housework, so am in awe of you even more so

I'm just sat at the PC with barely the energy to move. I need to get in the shower, feed the dog, etc.

And i think I will go to bed. maybe with one of those pills from the GP (there aren't many left though).

I think one of my main problems is during the daytimes and early evenings I am busy and occupied. My bad times are from about now through the night.

I think I miss physical contact a lot. I've tried holding DS when he has one of his early-morning forays into my bed, but he won't have it. He just wants to beat me up.

And it doesn't help that I think about DH and the probable surfeit of physical contact he is enjoying right now. I shouldn't think about it, but I do. I think I should stop now because this really does smack of self-pity now.

I' going to be near the phone till eleven. If you want to talk.