So whats 'your take' on this?

[piggintrotters]

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

Sorry,am with Dittany on this.
This man is a millionaire,fgs.
Piggs is not tteated fairly(and I am an expert on that,on a smaller scale).
My argument is always,if a court says you are entitled to half,then you are,in law.
From what Piggs says she has helped him build up his business.He wouldn't be a bloody millionaire without her.

OP - I'm so glad to hear that you are starting a course. As I read through your thread I could sense that your self-confidence is not as it should be (hence why you are unable to put your foot down over him treating you equally), and I think that doing some training and/or charity work would really help build up your confidence in your own skills and intelligence.

FWIW, I'm married to someone who earns a lot (not as much as your DH, but enough that I can compare our situations somewhat, and can see that yours is unfair). I have monthly housekeeping of 2k. I have a 5k credit card which I would be in trouble if I filled up but which I can use within reason for necessary purchases for the house or DC or for our social life. So I don't have to check before having curtains made, buying a new pushchair or booking theatre tickets, but we read each others statements and have a tiff if anything deemed unnecessary has been bought (he gets in trouble more often than me - usually stupid computer stuff!) I also have an agreed percentage of his income for our charitable donations each year. We make decisions together about money, and every year after his bonus decide what proportion towards school fees, what to pay off mortgage, what for charity, what for hols and what work to do on house. That way, all year we can't argue about it because the decisions were made and money assigned!

I know being treated as an unequal partner must be frustrating, and ultimately not good for you or your marriage. All I can suggest is that you carry through on your training, and possibly have some counseling on your own, to get back some self confidence and self worth which this situation must/will strip away from you somewhat. Hopefully he will see your confidence improve and will find it less easy to disregard your opinions.

He doesn't actually HAVE a jet. Sorry Dittany but the OP needs to take some responsibility. If she is angry about the money, then she needs to know about the finances that are going in and out of her own home. If he refuses to discuss it, then she needs to ask herself whether this is a marriage worth staying in. If she decides it is - then that is her decision.

I repeat you cannot properly buy all the furniture, curtains and all the fittings for a very large family house as well as buy all the food, petrol and clothes for a family on £2200 a month.

A pair of curtains of good quality material for a 3 m x 3m window of the type you see in a Georgian or Victorian house can easily cost £1000 to be made. That is quite a different thing from buying a set of ready made curtains from Argos for a small window in a student flat. I have done both.

I agree with Dittany.

The OP is complaining about only having 3 wine glasses

It isn't quite the same

And even at the BEST CASE scenario, she must have £1,000 a month to spend on the house, surely?

I meant worse case

you got that though

So you buy a pair of curtains every month, then save for a couple of months for a sofa... it's not rocket science, and she's had four years to get on with it.

As soon as Piggy mentioned how much her monthly 'allowance' is, I knew that this thread was going to descend into the usual "OMG!!!!!! £2.2k a MONTH!!!! I live on a tenth of that, pay the mortgage, school fees, feed the dog, smoke 40 fags a day and I survive!!!!" type post. Sadly, this is very typical of Mumsnet.

IMO, the amount of Piggy's allowance is pretty irrelevant here. It is the fact that her DH controls all of their finances. The fact that Piggy does not have a full and clear picture of their family income (i.e. double checking the Rich List to make sure he's not on it ). The fact that he dictates what can and can't be bought for the house. The fact that this marriage is clearly not a partnership.

We don't know that he is a millionaire. It looks from the information that we have, that he has a salary of about £150k a year out of which is paid upkeep of large house, tennis courts, swimming pool cars, insurances, bills, holidays, private school fees...

Where is Xenia, she would say thats actually not much when you factor in the school fees etc.

Having a company that makes a million a year out of which you have to pay all the costs of the business, is NOT the same as having a salary of £1m a year.

the OP has said herself she does not know how much he earns as she can't see any of the relevant documentation.

She is paid in a (now) illegal fashion being on the payroll when she does no work for the company. This is tax avoidance and I for one would not be happy about this.

I do agree that her husbands commetns towards her are not on.

But 4 years x £2200 per month IS enough to have bought £1k curtains for each room and enough china and glass to the expensive standards she feels the house deserves. The business is not her personal piggy bank - if you don't plough money back into a business then how can it grow?

I can't believe anyone is saying the OP is being treated fairly. How can having an allowance within the supposedly equal partnership of marriage be fair?

It doesn't matter whether she could afford to pay for the cushions from this money. The bigger picture is that she is married to a mean control freak of a husband.

x posts with rindercella

IMO, the amount of Piggy's allowance is pretty irrelevant here.

But when she is saying that she has no cutlery or wine glasses then it shows that the control issues are not just one way

This relationship needs some ASSISTANCE

No, MP, it needs putting in a box in a hole in the ground and shovelling dirt over it.

yah I was like, talkin' street

have been reading the Looney Lounge thread and it's making me garble incoherently

To be brutally honest you sound totally ditzy. You've no earning capacity yourself, you've no idea what your husband earns (as distinct from what the company earns), you've no debts and an allowance which is more than most people earn and nothing to spend it on other than food and clothes.

Your husband sounds like a saint IMO

There are two seperate issues here, one of which I'm sympathetic about, the other which I'm not.

Piggy - go and buy yourself some wineglasses and a salad bowl from Sainsbury's and stop being a martyr about lack of basic possessions.

The second issue is the imbalance in your relationship which is frankly horrible and I couldn't and wouldn't live with. But you have posted here asking for people's 'take', and they are giving it to you.
We all agree he is a tightfisted git, but you can either put up with it or walk. If you say you won't leave him then you have agreed within yourself to put up with it forever. No amount of sympathy on here is going to change that.

FWIW I don't think that Piggy's allowance IS enough to furnish her house, nor do I think she should have to, but it is enough to buy plates and glasses and a DVD player for her son and some nice cushions.
The ideal scenario would be for a one off sum to be taken from the business to pay for the furnishings in the same way it no doubt was to buy the house in the first place.

Sorry, I had to go to hospital.

PIT - I didn't say you didn't need the cushions I just said maybe you didn't need to spend £150 on them. Its kinda the point of the thread too, i'm not dismissing the fact your DH seems tight, but if furnishing the house is bothering you this much then either charge to his account, or just purchase out of your large allowance.

I am shocked that anyone is defended OPs DH. Yes, she could have saved, yes, she has a fair amount to spend each month - more than some - less than others, yes, she seems a little naive about money and take home pay versus turnover etc etc etc etc

None of this is relevant. What is, is the fact she's not treated equally and is not aware of her own financial future. Her DH is denying her knowledge.

Shame on those of you who are comparing your income and spending to hers in a self righteous, inverted snobbery way. Whatever you earn, think about how someone with 50% less than you might judge your spending. I am sure the £3.99 bottle of wine you buy once a week or whatever else is your luxury might seem extravagant to them. Perhaps your petrol or second hand car might seem 'lucky' too.

I think the original tone of the post has done the OP a great disservice. The post moans about the symptoms not the cause of the issue. In my opinion ingrained misogyny is the root cause.

"Her DH is denying her knowledge"

Nonsense, she doesn't want knowledge, she just wants cushions ...