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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone missing, I am racked with anxiety and guilt.

94 replies

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 06:42

DP has been having a hard time recently, I didn't help matters last night by losing my patience and my temper. I said some wicked things which I know I should'nt even though he did say some pretty awful things too.

He went out on his motorbike at 2am, won't answer his phone. He left his sat nav here which is very unusual. He hasn't got his bank card with him (or so he told me when I asked) and I don't know what to do.

I've already rung our local A& E but can't face ringing any more hospitals.

I have two DC who will wake up soon, in fact it's a miracle DS is still asleep.

I feel so anxious and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 29/04/2009 06:46

Oh sweetheart. I take it he either doesn't have his mobile with him or it seems to be switched off? If it's the latter you can only leave a message / text saying how sorry you are, and asking him to come home. And then I guess all you can do is wait... How old are your DC, will they be getting off to school / nursery or are they with you all day?

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 06:49

Thank you for your reply.

He does have his mobile with him as I was ringing him when he left. He said he didn't want to speak to me again . He either won't or can't answer the phone.

DD is 8 and I'm doing the school run today with the neighbour's child. DS is 15 months and will be at home with me.

I'm going to ring again.

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 29/04/2009 06:50

I had a similar situation when dh had to go to hospital in the middle of the night with dd. We had been arguing the night ( and weeks before) so I thought he had done a runner. He was sat in A&E with dd on a respirator.

I rang all his friends in the end to see if they could get him to answer his phone. Although I would leave it a bit later - you get a better response if you don't wake them up like I did.

Send him a text with an unreserved appology but also ask that he text/ call you back because yu are really worried.

Concentrate on getting the kids ready for school - easier said than done

Hope you hear from him soon xxx

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 06:51

sausage - we all say things we wish we hadn't, especially in the heat of the moment.Agree with longtall about leaving a message on his mobile.

does he work? I mean will he be going into work this morning? You could call him there later, or go there to check he arrived?

He is probably watching the sunrise somewhere and will be back soon. (making you sweat as only men do!)

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 06:53

He doesn't work at the moment, which is not helping his mood. I really hope he is watching the sun rise somewhere. I just have a horrid feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 29/04/2009 06:55

It is difficult not to worry. The pit of the stomach feeling, mixed with guilt and anger is not a nice mix. You have my sympathy.

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 06:57

Ok. Would he be at a friends house?

Maybe once you have got the children to school, you culd have a drive around his local haunts and see if you can spot his bike.

Perhpas you could leave another message saying that DC will be waking up soon and asking for him so please could he call home so they can go to school knowing where he is? Perhaps that will prick his conscience to calling.

Confuzzeled · 29/04/2009 07:01

My friends bf did this to her on a few occasions. He would go to a friends house and tell them not to answer their phone. The first night he did it she called the police and everything, but he wasn't gone long enough to constitute being missing.

Men struggle to express how they feel so they use other ways to hurt and punish woman. Woman are natural worriers so men use that.

He's probably okay somewhere and when he comes home you need to get him some help. Either get him to see his doctor or he could see a private theropist. My dh is seeing a CBT councellor just now and it's doing him wonders.

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:02

I don't drive and I don't know the adresses of any of his (few) friends anyway. God, I sound so negative.I'm not sure that he would go round to anyone's house at that time of night though.
DD is from a previous relationship and DS is not talking yet.

Having said all that thank you so much for your suggestions.

If he is out there somewhere he's going to be so cold. He has no money on him .

OP posts:
poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:05

ok. Is his phone ringing or going straight to voicemail? How many messages have you left for him?

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:06

Confuzzeled, I asked him to see the GP yeaterday as he is showing signs of depression. He won't go on ADs as he says the effect is artificial. He has had them before as he has had some mental health issues in the past.
The irony of all this is that he was training to become a counsellor and was supposed to be going for an interview for the diploma tomorrow but a lack of funds means that he is unable to pay for the course.
I don't expect our relationship has survived this latest battering but I just want him to be ok.
I can hear snuffles on the monitor so have to go and get the baby before he wakes DD.

My palms are wet with fear.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:06

poop, lots of messages left on voicemail. It's ringing though so it is turned on.

OP posts:
poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:07

just nipping off to do packed lunches, so not leaving the thread, just keeping an eye from a distance.

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:08

ok. well for the moment keep busy with getting DD ready for school etc and we can all be thinking of the next plan of action.
Keep posting too, if it helps.

alicecrail · 29/04/2009 07:09

Realistically he has probably gone off to sulk. You will probably find that when you get back from the school run he is in bed. Alternatively, could you ask your neighbour to take kids to school today and wait in for him? I hope everything turns out fine

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:11

Thank you all.

alice- I was thinking of doing that but then I'm wondering if it'll be better to do the school run, so the DCs have some normality and i can occupy myself with herding them through the City of London.

OP posts:
poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:12

yes, much herding is required in times of strife

foofi · 29/04/2009 07:14

Nothing useful to say Sausage, except that I'm feeling for you and I'm sure he's just punishing you and will turn up soon.

It will probably be better for you too if you do the school run - it gives you something to focus on.

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:14

Just had a thought, if his phone is turned on he must be seeing that you are ringing. Leave one more message that you will be doing the school run, and that if you have not heard from him by the time you return, you will have to call the police and report him missing.

If he is ok, then I am sure you will get a response.

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:14

I may even behave like a demented lollipop person if I feel the need. Poop, you've been wonderful.

OP posts:
Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:16

That's a good idea about the phone. If he's awake then I'm sure he'd know I'm ringing. If he's asleep he may not get the message before I return from school. And the big question is where is he sleeping?

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 07:18

Sausage, Poop is right, leave the message that you will call the police, that should bring him home.
Don't feel bad, we all do and say things in the heat of the moment, as you say he also said some hurtful things. It is what couples do, we hurt the ones we're closest to.
Try and keep a brave face on it for the school run, am hoping he's snoring in bed when you come home.

foofi · 29/04/2009 07:19

Doubt he's sleeping much, wherever he is - He probably feels as dreadful as you do.

Original poster
sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:22

Yes foofi, I also doubt he's sleeping. But where could he be? I left the msg on his phone about calling the police.

Just waiting now, I guess.

I'm not sure I could ever forgive myself if well, you know.

OP posts:
warthog · 29/04/2009 07:42

if the phone is ringing, he knows you're trying to get hold of him. go do the school run, give him some time and see what happens when you get home.

if he's riding he probably can't hear the phone.

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