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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP gone missing, I am racked with anxiety and guilt.

94 replies

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 06:42

DP has been having a hard time recently, I didn't help matters last night by losing my patience and my temper. I said some wicked things which I know I should'nt even though he did say some pretty awful things too.

He went out on his motorbike at 2am, won't answer his phone. He left his sat nav here which is very unusual. He hasn't got his bank card with him (or so he told me when I asked) and I don't know what to do.

I've already rung our local A& E but can't face ringing any more hospitals.

I have two DC who will wake up soon, in fact it's a miracle DS is still asleep.

I feel so anxious and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:

foofi · 29/04/2009 07:42

Try not to think about that now - just concentrate on getting ready for school. We'll be keeping everything crossed for you.

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:43

I am sure he will be fine, it is just the waiting game now I suppose. Wouldnt be surprised if he doesn't sneak back in while you are on the school run.

You could text him and say could he just text back to say he is ok, and that he doesnt have to say where he is, just that he is ok and that you won't need to call the police and that you will leave him alone, but need to check he is ok.

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:44

Thank you so much all for your support. Am doing a pretty good job of acting normal. DD thinks that DP stayed at his dad's last night.

OP posts:

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 07:45

warthog, he will have run out of petrol by now. And has no means of getting more, unless he does have his bank card.

I'm worried that he's in a ditch somewhere

OP posts:

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:46

Is there a chance that he has gone to his parents house?

plan of action.

send the text asking him to let you know if ok.

Do school run.

If on return no response, then call once more to say you are now about to call the police.

Give it another 30 mins, and post on here, and we can see what we can do next.

I shall be going out for the day today and not have access to pc until later on, leaving here about 8.45 but there will be loads of peeps to help.

Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 07:47

Hope you have an OK school run, please try not to worry, am sure he will be fine.
He is probably just trying to make you sweat.
Men, eh? Like we could go off on an overnight motorcycle ride?

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 07:49

can you check the bank online to see if he has withdrawn any money. Check to see if bank card is at home?

Northernlurker · 29/04/2009 07:54

This is very scary for you - but if he went at 2am then he's only been gone six hours. What's really scary about that was that it was the middle of the night - but it's not that long for him to be gone. Look at it this way - if you had the row now and he marched off this would only take you up to 2pm. I agree with others that he will most likely come back soon - what you do then is the important bit. Do you want the relationship to continue - there's obviously strong feeling on both sides - can you build on that?

Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 07:56

I'd bet anything that he is at a friends/his parents.
He's driven off in the heat of the moment after an argument where you both said things you perhaps shouldn't and is a bit embarrassed to come back.
Take care x

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 08:02

Ok, lots of hlpful suggestions. Haven't time to answer them all.

My mobile is not working so cannot text.

He misplaced his bankcard a few days ago. I have no idea if he has it or not or where it could be. Can't check online as need the card for the card reader for Barclays.

I am going to ring again now and ring him when I get back from school about 09.15.

I don't think he'll have gone to his parents'. Both parents have health problems and I doubt he would have disturbed them in the night.

I will post on here when I get back from school.

Northernlurker, what you say about the time he has gone makes sense but I can't get over the fact it was the middle of the night and in all likelihood has no money and he only had a small amount of petrol.

I think he feels he has nothing in his lfe anymore as I said last night I didn't want a relationship with him any more. I can't belive that I have been so cruel. In my defence, I have just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and during conflict it as though my feelings of love for him just vanish. Tbh, right now, I'm more concerned about his wellbeing than our relationship. What have I done?

OP posts:

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 08:03

lizzlou, he didn't drive off in the middle of the argument, it was an hour later

OP posts:

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 08:03

lizzylou, sorry. Am trying to be speedy .

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 29/04/2009 08:04

sausagetits, are you sure he is not just at his Dad's? Or is that something he wouldn't do? I can imagine that you don't want to worry him by ringing but perhaps you should when you get back from the school run if he isn't home. He may be able to help look for him.

The worry that you have is such a horrible feeling I know.

Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 08:05

OK, look at the positives, if he only had a small amount of petrol then he can't have got far. He could be at a service station, all night cafe nursing a cup of tea?
Please don't imagine the worst, you said something you shouldn't have OK, and he has caused you a night of worry, he knows about your condition so he will know it wasn't "you" talking iykwim.

GColdtimer · 29/04/2009 08:07

sausage, you haven't done anything. Arguements happen, we all say awful things. You say he said some too. And it sounds like your relationship has been under a lot of pressure. This isn't your fault.

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 08:07

twofalls, his dad is very ill with cardiac and other issues. I think I'll only ring his dad as the very last resort. His mother has severe mental and pysical issues also although she lives elsewhere as they're divorced. He has sisters, but again there are issues for them as well.

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 29/04/2009 08:11

ah, I see. Well, I can understand why you wouldn't call them then. Sorry you seem to be so alone in this. I am sure he will be home when you gt back, but if not, have you got a friend you can call so you are not dealing with this on your own?

warthog · 29/04/2009 08:16

he probably does have his bank card, and i reckon he's gone for a good long ride. he's stopped at a small cafe somewhere, is having a nice breakfast and then he'll head home.

i'm a bit worried that if you keep ringing him, his phone will run out of battery. he does know you're trying, so i think the best thing you can do now is to wait.

mamadiva · 29/04/2009 08:23

HIya sausage, how are you holding up?

My dad went missing in 2003, he just said he was going to work one day, never arrived and never came back it's horrible not knowing I remember that feeling the constant sinking in your stomach everytime the phone goes or there is a knock at the door you jump assuming it's them or the police with some awful news. I really cannot think of a worse feeling!

Give it until tomorrow morning before you start properly worrying, I know it's hard but for the first 24 hours it's not classed as a missing person if you have to phone the police be warned they will come round to 'interview' you and will most likely search every inch of your house incase you've hidden him somewhere or there are traces of anything but it is worth it as horrid as it sounds there is some sort of relief knowing that it is not just you who has to find him and you are not solely responsible for his safety!

TBH though I doubt and really hope it does'nt get that far, he'll probably just have left in the heat of it all gathering up on him for the sake of somewhere to go, my dad used to go away for a few hours and sit up on the hills to think.

When he does come back just grab hold of him and let him know how much you love him and don't ask any questions as hard as that is he will tell you in his own time just run him a bath give him space. Make sure he does not feel underpressure because if he is in an emotional state at the moment it could easily happen again.

Thankfully my dad showed up in 2007 safe and well but the anger I felt at him was unbelievable after the initial joy of seeing him again you just have to hold it in until he is ready to tell you.

Sorry am probably being depressing and making you worse are'nt I. I'm just trying to share a bit of insight.

I hope you get things sorted soon.

poopscoop · 29/04/2009 08:26

mama - poor you. 4 years of worry - no wonder you were pissed off and rightfully so.

littleducks · 29/04/2009 08:31

hi sausage, how you doing now? any sign of dp?

JackBauerkillspigs · 29/04/2009 08:50

Hi sausage, my DH is a biker so I can understand some of what you must be thinking.

IS he with a club at all? I know Dh has gone out with his mates before and forgotten his wallet but they have filled his tank for him which can get him another few hundred miles.

On the same note if he stops at a bike cafe someone will buy him food/drink and quite a few stay open very late/open early so as warthog says he is probably sitting somewhere having a coffee.
x

Original poster

sausagetits · 29/04/2009 09:25

mama- that must have been beyond hard.

Jack- no, he doesn't have a group of biker friends.

Still no sign, phone still ringing and going to voice mail.

Don't really know what to do.....just have a horrible feeling of unease.

OP posts:

ilove · 29/04/2009 09:30

Hope he turns up soon

PortoPandemico · 29/04/2009 09:32

Finger crossed he turns up soon looking sheepish!

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