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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i know it is wrong

194 replies

doublestandards · 28/04/2005 16:00

Just over a year ago, DH and I were having a really bad time. We even started divorce proceedings. I met another man through an internet chat room. He was with a woman and just wanted a bit of fun. So did I really. So we started talking on MSN and we were really flirty and even had internet sex He came round to my house once to fix my computer and we got on so well. NOTHING happened except a peck on the cheek to say goodbye. Anyway, a few months later, DH and I decided to give it another go. I finished it with this other man (not that anything actually happened.) Anyway, out of the blue, he rung me today. I was so shocked. He was very flattering to me and I felt the same butterflies I did last time. I don't know what to do. I am not sure I am totally in love with my DH, but I know that there is no chance that me and this other man could ever be together. We are both 'happy' with our partners but for both of us, differences in sex drives has caused trouble within our relationships. I know that even comtemplating it is wrong. I would never actually do anything with this man, even though he has made it perfectly clear that he would like to. I need the courage to tell him that I can't ever speak to him again so i can get on with my life with DH, but at the same time, it is nice to feel wanted

OP posts:
Original poster
doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:49

oh right

OP posts:
AnotherHelen · 13/06/2005 12:53

DS, this man has come into your life for a reason, maybe for you to start a new life with him - maybe he is the one you are meant to be with instead? or, he has come into your life if only to show you that you love your dh more and that this was just what you needed to show yourself that! only you truly know how you feel about this man and your dh, and any decisions you make will be tough one's, i have been in a VERY similar situation and i can more than empathise with you, if you TRULY feel that this man is what you want than you need to be honest with ALL involved to give everyone a chance to have some input into the situation, its only fair. xxx

HappyDaddy · 13/06/2005 12:56

Well done doublestandards. What did you hope to achieve by updating this thread.

You're being a coward about the whole thing. You're dh gets to keep you because he's the father of his kids? Lucky man.

Original poster
doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:58

how can i be a coward? how can you choose who you fall in love with? how can you stop yourself from feeling things that you should not?

OP posts:
mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:00

Oh DS!

This thread is getting quite nasty. I'm sorry people are calling you names. I appreciate you have posted here because you feel so unsure of everything.

Can I add that, if people don't want to hear about DS's "sordid life" then they should stop posting on the thread and leave the poor girl alone.

For what it's worth, I don't think this man has any respect for either of the women in his life. I bet the affair will run it's course and you will look back and think it was all a mistake. If it was a mistake, perhaps you will see your husband in a new light and make the marrieage work. If you don't regret it in hindsight, I guess you need to leave him.

I would respect your decision either way, so long as you weren't hurting your husband/kids along the way.

Life isn't black and white and other people on this website have no right to be judgemental, I feel we should offer support or butt out. The poor girl is having a shitty time in her head.

HappyDaddy · 13/06/2005 13:01

You're a coward because you refuse to resolve the situation. You clearly feel nothing for dh but won't leave him. You say you love and want to be with the other man but won't do anything about it.

mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:01

another helen, that was well-put. Glad someone else can be supportive

mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:04

I agree with happy daddy that DS is being a coward, but it takes courage to resolve situations and perhaps she doesn't have the courage right now.

I've had times I've been a coward, even though people think I'm brave

Socci · 13/06/2005 13:04

Message withdrawn

HappyDaddy · 13/06/2005 13:05

mogwai, plenty on here have tried to be supportive but ds chooses to ignore them. What was the point of resurrecting this thread when she's already justified everything to herself? People on here have run out of patience.

Attention seeking is what I call it.

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 13:05

Mogwai - Excuse me! It's very frustrating when someone posts over and over again, but clearly doesn't want or need any advice. She has made her mind up that she can't leave her DH. But she equally can't stop sleeping with this man.

So what to MNer's do???? Hold her and offer a cup of tea everytime she sleeps with him.

Sorry I mentioned the word slapper.... and tart, but if it was the Anorexic girlfriend with ME posting... I dare say people wouldn't hesitate to call the "other woman" those names.

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 13:06

Remind me to apologise 50 times for the name calling... thats seems to be what it takes on MN these days.

mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:07

I appreciate that you feel frustrated. I can't appreciate why you can't ignore her

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 13:07

Happdaddy - Thanks for putting it much clearer than I did.
Frustration..... thats exactly it!

Jayzmummy · 13/06/2005 13:08

I just hope that for your poor Dh's sake you used protection and havent got yourself a little STD to pass on to him as your gift of loyalty.

mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:08

I think one apology is enough. We know this sit eisn't for name calling

noddyholder · 13/06/2005 13:09

I really feel for you this man has come along as a sign that your relationship is over whether you are with him or you are alone it seems your marriage is over Follow your heart life is short but don't carry on decieving that is the worst-

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 13:11

Mohwai - So should I only post unconditional support? I have many opinions on this.... I have afterall been there too.... but I in no way justified it to myself like this. She honestly seems to want people to say "Its okay luv..... have your cake and eat, poor soul".

I can't just post nice things then bite my tongue when a short sharp shock may be what she needs to see that she is hurting EVERYONE by behaving like this.

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 13:12

Might go back to normal posting name now.... feel like I get treated a bit differently in this pose!!!!

mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:12

DS has disappeared!

DS - do you have a close friend you can confide this in? Have you driven them mad with it, too?

I can see why you would want to post in this forum, you can be anonymous. Unfortunately, through human nature, I think other MNtters will find it hard to be sympathetic, either with the whole situation or with you resurrecting a thread that they find frustrating. Also a sense of justice will prevail - sounds like people are empathising with the two other people involved, which is understandable.

Friends in RL will have more invested in your relationship and you may get the support you need to make a decision. The whole problem here is that you won't make a decision.

HappyDaddy · 13/06/2005 13:13

mogwai, I'm sure we'd all wish her luck if she decided to leave and start a new life with thos other man. It's the "tell me what to do, no not that, what else should i do" rubbish that galls.

Original poster
doublestandards · 13/06/2005 13:14

Yes we used protection.

that is not what i want. i do not want people to say that. I do not even expect anyone to agree with what I am doing. I know it is wrong. I am just so confused at the moment. I guess I was just looking for somewhere to vent and try and sort my head out. Sorry

OP posts:
QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 13:16

DS - But you're not sorting your head out. You're just posting lots of reasons why the situation must remain EXACTLY as it is. You won't change it. Your "other man2 won't change it. In the meantime the innocent parties are teetering on the edge wondering when their world is going to fall apart.

AnotherHelen · 13/06/2005 13:17

Well i feel to call someone names because they disagree with how they are behaving is petty, but having read all recent posts and from the fact that this man has no problems treating his gf who is very poorly like she doesnt exist doesnt sound like a nice person to me and im very sorry but i have to ask if its occured to you that this gf DOES exist and if she does is she REALLY ILL or is she an excuse for you not to move in with him/start proper relationship with him? at the moment he seems to have you in his life when he wants you but cant offer you more than that! im very well aware nobody knows the whole situation here so if im completley wrong im very sorry, but it so easy to believe ANYTHING that someone tells you especially when you are down and have low self-esteem, please make sure that you are not just his 'someone' on the side and he's using you for nothing more than that xxx

mogwai · 13/06/2005 13:17

reminds me of a friend who's marriage was dead in the water as far as she was concerend, her dh was happy. She started an affair and did quickly make a decision that she wanted to leave her dh. I was supportive of this because she was SO unhappy.

However, She treated her dh like shit, lied to him, made sure she got the house, children, car. His parents had to stump up their life savings so he could get a deposit for a house - and she allowed this to happen. As soon as she had what she wanted, she admitted the affair. Everyone else knew it had been going on for 12 months, even her neighbours.

I couldn't stay friends with her after that. To this day, she thinks I won't see her because she had an affair. It's so much more complicated.

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