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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i know it is wrong

194 replies

doublestandards · 28/04/2005 16:00

Just over a year ago, DH and I were having a really bad time. We even started divorce proceedings. I met another man through an internet chat room. He was with a woman and just wanted a bit of fun. So did I really. So we started talking on MSN and we were really flirty and even had internet sex He came round to my house once to fix my computer and we got on so well. NOTHING happened except a peck on the cheek to say goodbye. Anyway, a few months later, DH and I decided to give it another go. I finished it with this other man (not that anything actually happened.) Anyway, out of the blue, he rung me today. I was so shocked. He was very flattering to me and I felt the same butterflies I did last time. I don't know what to do. I am not sure I am totally in love with my DH, but I know that there is no chance that me and this other man could ever be together. We are both 'happy' with our partners but for both of us, differences in sex drives has caused trouble within our relationships. I know that even comtemplating it is wrong. I would never actually do anything with this man, even though he has made it perfectly clear that he would like to. I need the courage to tell him that I can't ever speak to him again so i can get on with my life with DH, but at the same time, it is nice to feel wanted

OP posts:
cod · 28/04/2005 17:41

Message withdrawn

ThePreciousIdiot · 28/04/2005 17:41

because she was talking about them both sleeping with other people. If they're gonna do it, well heck, they might as well do it together!

nutcracker · 28/04/2005 17:42

ROFL yes Miss you did

cod · 28/04/2005 17:42

Message withdrawn

AngelCakeUmm · 28/04/2005 17:42

Ok ask yourself how would you feel if your DH did find out and he said right thats it you have had an affair, I am leaving would you feel like s**t what have i done, and be heartbroken? Would you feel like this other bloke was worth the affair even if you and him did not work out and last?

Sorry i am just confused trying to undertstand how you feel about your DH is well??

lou33 · 28/04/2005 17:44

i don't know what to say now.

You seem to have some sort of feelings for your h, but your relationship doesn't seem to be providing you with everything you need, and you think this other man can give it, but what you both really want is to have sex with each other and not feel guilty. Am I right at all?

Thing is while you have any feelings at all for your h you will feel guilt, which although probably wont tap on your conscience while you are actually with this man, it will have a significant effect on you in your everyday life, and does have the potential to finish your marriage.

Before you make a choice, you need to sit and decide if this man is a short term head turner, because your self esteem is low, whether your marriage can be injected with the same sort of excitement, or if you even want it to, if you love your h enough to want to stay with him, and if you do why are you thinking of seeing someone else?

Could you keep in control, do you know this man's moods and intentions well enough to feel safe when you are alone with him? Would he stop if you said no? Would he tell anyone? Do you know if he is doing the same thing with countless other women?

So many things to think about before you make a decision, but I think it's pretty certain that if you do meet you will have sex. Based on that, can you cope?

noddyholder · 28/04/2005 17:44

what is it about your husband that keeps you with him when he doesn't fulfil these things that you seem to want/need?If he was more sexually adventurous would it make a difference because if that is all it is you could talk to your dh about it and say it is making you have doubts It is at least a 'problem'that could have a solution An affair would be messy

pinkroses · 28/04/2005 17:46

If you wanna go shag this bloke, then do it...there is nothing on here that can answer that for you.

Personally, though, you decided to get married...why wouldn't you have more respect for your dh to tell this new bloke to naff off. You don't want to lose you dh but you will if you sleep with someone else.

ggglimpopo · 28/04/2005 17:47

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 28/04/2005 17:47

Message withdrawn

Original poster
doublestandards · 28/04/2005 17:48

he isnt married. well he was but his wife died not long after they got married. he is with someone though

OP posts:
ThePreciousIdiot · 28/04/2005 17:50

Will you prootect yourself from disease, if he is seeing other people off the net, wht if you caught something and gave it to dh?

Original poster
doublestandards · 28/04/2005 20:54

im not going to sleep with him. so i guess it doesnt matter

OP posts:
Original poster
doublestandards · 28/04/2005 22:47

just wish i could get him out of my head. it is driving me mad

OP posts:
lou33 · 28/04/2005 23:05

dont meet him where you could have sex then, otherwise whatever you say, you will have sex with him

Original poster
doublestandards · 29/04/2005 09:53

why does it have to be this hard? he is in my thoughts and dreams.

OP posts:
collision · 29/04/2005 09:58

Meet him for coffee in a public place and tell him that as flattered as you are there is NO WAY you would dream of having an affair because of the respect you have for your DH.

You will only regret it if you do anything to hurt your family.

Original poster
doublestandards · 29/04/2005 10:09

i am talking to him now on internet. i have got butterflies.

OP posts:
lou33 · 29/04/2005 10:11

hope whatever you decide makes you happy in the long term

collision · 29/04/2005 10:12

If you have no intention of doing anything then really you are leading him on and it isnt fair to anyone.

Tell him you have to go and stop this nonsense!! Butterflies or not!!

Go and clean the loo or go to Tescos!

ggglimpopo · 29/04/2005 10:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster
doublestandards · 13/06/2005 09:33

We are still seeing each other but we still havent slept together. the more time i spend with him, the more I am sure that I love him. he is coming around here again today. he is everything i could ever wish for.

OP posts:
QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 09:41

Doublestandards - If you love him.... and you're sure he feels the same way and wants a full-on relationship with you.... then I would be inclined to say that you should leave your DH.

HappyDaddy · 13/06/2005 10:09

It sounds like you should leave dh, regardless of this other man. Whether anything comes of it or not, all your energies seem to be diverted away from dh.

lillies · 13/06/2005 11:38

what a horrid person you are. You have no respect for your dh whatsoever.

Why are you on here asking mn's advice when you are clearly having an affair. GIve your dh some respect and leave him.

DOes this man mean so much to you that you can hurt your dh as much as you are. You chose to get married. You made vows. Now it's time to do the right thing.

If your dh did something like this behind your back...you would be on here devastated!!!