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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i know it is wrong

194 replies

doublestandards · 28/04/2005 16:00

Just over a year ago, DH and I were having a really bad time. We even started divorce proceedings. I met another man through an internet chat room. He was with a woman and just wanted a bit of fun. So did I really. So we started talking on MSN and we were really flirty and even had internet sex He came round to my house once to fix my computer and we got on so well. NOTHING happened except a peck on the cheek to say goodbye. Anyway, a few months later, DH and I decided to give it another go. I finished it with this other man (not that anything actually happened.) Anyway, out of the blue, he rung me today. I was so shocked. He was very flattering to me and I felt the same butterflies I did last time. I don't know what to do. I am not sure I am totally in love with my DH, but I know that there is no chance that me and this other man could ever be together. We are both 'happy' with our partners but for both of us, differences in sex drives has caused trouble within our relationships. I know that even comtemplating it is wrong. I would never actually do anything with this man, even though he has made it perfectly clear that he would like to. I need the courage to tell him that I can't ever speak to him again so i can get on with my life with DH, but at the same time, it is nice to feel wanted

OP posts:

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:26

He said that if it had been a few years earlier when we had me then we would be together properly. His GF is very ill with anorexia and M.E at the moment

I do not think that there is any way that we could realistically be together anyway. It is just hard letting go

OP posts:

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:27

when we had MET

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Fio2 · 13/06/2005 12:29

was it worth it?

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:30

yes

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QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:31

I don't suppose his GF's condition is helped by the fact that her BF is off f/cking someone else!!! He is being a bastard.... and you are there being the excuse for his behaviour. I think its clear that he has no intention of leaving his GF.... and he clearyl doesn't want you to leave your DH.... so are you just going to carry on f*cking him sleazily behind your DH's back.....and while his GF withers away and dies?

emily05 · 13/06/2005 12:31

You say that you are staying with your dh for your ds sake. But isnt it better you split up amicable - than he finds out you are cheating on him? iF he finds out he is likely to be very upset and this would not be good for your ds.

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:33

His GF would not give him any attention even before she got sick. He says that he does not know why he is still with her. The same as I do with DH

OP posts:

Fio2 · 13/06/2005 12:34

so a quick fumble and meaningless sex (for him anyhow, he is feeding you excuses) is worth upheaval for your children and the breakdown of your marriage. Have a bit more self respect. Finish your marriage if it is over and then have sex with whoever you want, no-one will get hurt then and neither will you. Tbh i think if his girlfriend is ill, it would be better for her to be looked after by someone who cares about her. has it not passed your mind that he wants sex with you becausue is girlfriend is not physically able to atm?

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:35

But he IS still with her and you are still with your DH!
Does he have children with this woman?

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:36

Good point Fio2!

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:36

no he does not have children with her.

yes i have though about that Fio. And for what it it worth is was not a quick fumble or meaningless

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emily05 · 13/06/2005 12:36

You are falling for the typical "my girlfriend/wife doesnt understand me"! If he wanted to be with you he would have left her a long time ago.

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:37

yes she is not up to sleeping with him but she was not even before she got ill

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QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:38

DS - It is meaningless to him if he won't leave his girlfriend even though he knows you are in love with him.

he has no children with her..... she allegedly doesn't give him any attention.... he can't use the kids as an excuse to stay with her.

What do you expect to happen from this??? In an ideal situation what would happen tomorrow?

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:39

i know. i would like to be with him properly as a couple but as things are it will never happen

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emily05 · 13/06/2005 12:40

If he said to you "Lets leave our partners and be together" would you?

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:41

DS - How long have they been together???? ME is a horrible illness... and I doubt it was diagnosed quickly. Plus Anorexia doesn't happen to you overnight!

WAKE UP.... Give yourself a feckin shake woman!

virtual slap on your face

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:41

i am trying to write him an email telling him that it was wrong and that it can never happen again. i cannot seem to word it right though. I do not want to hurt him. Or anyone for that matter. The thing is, writing this email, I am finding it so hard bacause I am lying to him

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Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:41

yes i would emily

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Fio2 · 13/06/2005 12:41

doublestandards, you make your own destiny. if it is going nowhere, what is the point. Everyone deserves more. If your marriage is over, end it and move or else try to salvage whatever is left of it. Sex isnt the be all and end all

Honestly, you may not like my opinion, but whats to say he doesnt do this with other women aswell as yourself? because it seems quite obvious on the outside looking in what he is

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:42

4 years QF

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QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:43

DS - It only won't happen coz you WON'T do anything about it.... because you know deep down he will not leave his GF for you.... so you obviously mean nothing to him.... you're a bit of stuff.... a slapper he's sleeping with whilst his GF is seriously ill.

I can't believe I've turned around so much during this thread... but really I have to go now coz I think you are either stupid, niave or cold and callous. Eitehr way your acting like a tart.

Your not going to accept anyones advice.... so why don't you just keep your sordid life to yourself.

emily05 · 13/06/2005 12:44

so you are not staying with your dh for the sake of your ds - you are staying with him because he is 2nd best to this other man.
You should either make a go of your marriage or leave and pursue other relationships. Not tryig to be hard on you because it sounds like you have put yourself in a bad situation.
And even if you were with this other man. What would happen oneday if you couldnt have sex for one reason or another - would he go elsewhere? could you trust him?

Original poster

doublestandards · 13/06/2005 12:44

a slapper??

OP posts:

QueenFlounce · 13/06/2005 12:45

DS - I mean thats probably what he is thinking about you. You're believing his lines.... either that or you're just not considering that he may be lying.

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