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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

178 replies

DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 01:04

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

OP posts:
noddyholder · 28/04/2005 19:35

FF so true would have said it myself but too tippled to be that eloquent

jasper · 28/04/2005 20:33

Emmabovary thanks for pointing out that women who have an affair do not necessarily want the man to leave his wife.( Not that I am recommending it )

dot1 · 28/04/2005 21:54

EmmaB - I suppose that's where I was coming from, although I haven't had any direct experience, I have had friends who've talked to me about being in similar predicaments. It's all too easy to say don't do it and think of the wife/your pride/what's morally right - sometimes gut feelings/lust take over. I was just pointing out that if that's all it is it might be worth getting it out of her system - then probably moving on.

dot1 · 28/04/2005 22:04

dp is just telling me off... . Sorry - partly playing devil's advocate and dp has reminded me that my parents went through a particularly nasty break up because my Dad had an affair with someone single and then left my Mum etc.etc.etc.... Lots of emotional chaos and destruction caused.

So anyway, thinking of you DorA and just wanted to put forward a different point of view, but will shut up now...

koalabear · 29/04/2005 09:10

i can't agree with the "we know it's wrong, but sometimes lust just takes over" defence

you are hurting someone else, either directly or indirectly, and for that you are responsible

its mean, its nasty, its selfish and no amount of justification of "i couldn't help myself, it made me feel good / it's his responisiblity, not mine" is going to change that

Bugsy2 · 29/04/2005 09:56

Just an "out loud" thought here, but before we started marrying our partners for love, women didn't expect their husbands to be faithful, they just expected them to provide security.
I wonder sometimes if we don't all expect far too much from each other today. Men want their wives/partners to be housekeepers/ mothers/ hostesses/hot totty in the bedroom & women want their partners to be the man about the house, understanding, good with children, providers, soulmates, accept less sex as time goes by etc
I know I will probably get shouted at but it is just a thought - up for discussion really.

flamesparrow · 29/04/2005 10:00

Before we had electricity we used candles for lighting... maybe we have should go back to candles again.

EmmaBovary · 29/04/2005 10:44

Bugsy - I think that's a very intelligent point. Marriage through romantic love is definitely a relatively new phenomenon. We also live a lot longer these days so are stuck with each other for much longer...

I agree that we have lunatic expectations of each other which can only lead to disappointment, dissatisfaction & an unprecedented level of extra-marital affairs.

Not a popular viewpoint on MN I wouldn't have thought. If Mumsnet were a woman I think she'd be Bree from Desperate Housewives.

koalabear · 29/04/2005 10:58

yes bugsy, agree - expectations can sometimes be unrealistic - it's a lot to ask of another person

but marriage is a choice - it is also a verb, rather than a noun (something you do, rather than something you have)

HappyDaddy · 29/04/2005 10:59

You are a cunning linguist koalabear.

Good point, too.

fairyfly · 29/04/2005 11:04

I think it should be also pointed out how intensely an affair effects children. I would have little or no respect for my father if he was out once a week banging another woman. Also the pain my little boy went through was unbearable and still now a part of his innocense has gone. I was under the impression that we did everything to prevent our children from pain. My sexula urges go out of the window if they are in anyway threatened with loosing something.

Bugsy2 · 29/04/2005 11:11

Koalabear, you are right & that is certainly very much my own viewpoint, that it is a living thing that needs constant work & attention.
However, I couldn't help thinking about the man EmmaBovery was having the affair with & thinking how actually he wasnt such a bad husband & father. He provided financial security for his wife & children, didn't mistreat them and was a daddy & husband in all sense of the words, other than the fact he enjoyed EmmaBovery's company from time to time.
I know its not perfect, I know it is not honouring his marriage vows. Oh, I don't know at all really. Talking utter twadle but just can't help thinking that it was possibly a minor imperfection in what could have been an otherwise very happy setup.

koalabear · 29/04/2005 11:14

well, i guess whether he was a good husband or not is up to his wife to decide - i just can't see how deceit is a good quality in a husband (or anyone for that matter) - but again, i guess it's what ever is the arrangement between that husband and wife and what they expect from each other

EmmaBovary · 29/04/2005 11:32

FWIW
I think he - the husband - thinks he's a bit of a bastard by cheating on his wife but feels at least he hasn't walked out on his family like his own father did to him.

He is quite damaged by his father's actions (didn't see him for ten years at one stage) and doesn't want history to repeat itself.

He thinks it's inevitable that he will want sex elswhere as he and the wife have been together for fifteen years or so and are like best friends (they do have sex though).

I think a lot of men take it as a given that they have needs that can't be fulfilled in the marital bed and see it as a sad fact of life that they have to cheat.

HappyDaddy · 29/04/2005 11:33

He's so damaged by his father's actions he's going to repeat them? What a prat.

EmmaBovary · 29/04/2005 11:38

He's not going to repeat them though because he's not going to leave his family. He's going to cheat on his wife for the rest of their lives but confidently says 'we will grow old together.'

To him, he's a better man than his father and that's all-important to him.

Obviously he has decided that this fate is good enough for his wife!!!! One might say it's arrogance of the highest degree.

Uhuru · 29/04/2005 11:41

EmmaBovary - HIS WIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND! Isn't that we all want from our dh/dp?

lockets · 29/04/2005 11:45

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lockets · 29/04/2005 11:51

This reply has been deleted

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EmmaBovary · 29/04/2005 11:55

Uhuru - I know!! But isn't that the underlying, age-old flaw in all marriages - that (some!) people from time to time crave something new and different????

Lockets - you don't have to cheat but if you are a bloke like him who thinks it's INEVITABLE then it's very, very easy to suppress feelings of guilt and just get on with it. It's a kind of moral vacuum.

PsychoFlame · 29/04/2005 11:56

Psycho... He might not have a choice about leaving his family - His wife might throw him out when she finds out!!!

Flame... I am an example of what affairs do to the children. I have no trust, am broken, crazy and jealous. Tis all wrong wrong wrong.

Uhuru · 29/04/2005 12:02

EmmaBovary - I hear what you are saying but I think cynicim and saying "that's the way of the world" just shrugging our shoulders makes it easier to hurt people and it makes the hurters (if there is such a word) think that their actions are ok. Somebody said earlier in the thread that as society we need to support marriages - not consider it inevitable/likely that people will cheat. I must admit that this is something that i had not thought about until I got married myself.
I know I am not exactly impartial in this. Yes it is him that has the responsibility to his wife but the other person involved (whoever it may be) surely has a responsibility not to be complicit in spreading misery. Other people have already said as much earlier in the thread - just adding my two pennies worth.

HappyDaddy · 29/04/2005 12:11

He may think he's a better man than his father but he's wrong. In fact he may be worse as he's going to make his wife miserable by staying with her but cheating on her.

He's kidding himself and not doing a very good job.

EmmaBovary · 29/04/2005 12:16

Uhuru - I know I am cynical but how do you remain uncynical looking at the world around you? It's a shocking place really.

FWIW - I ended the affair because I started to hate the casual & polished ease with which this man cheated on his wife. He would be all lovey-dovey on the phone to her in a hotel room with me (why call her in front of me? No respect for her or me!!) and then seconds later be...well you know...I felt really shit the last time.

He keeps texting me even though I've ended it and I really want to tell him that his behaviour has sickened me and that his wife deserves much, much better. Guess I'm in no position to judge him really...

Uhuru · 29/04/2005 12:19

EmmaBovary - I'm not trying to make you feel bad. We just need to remember that most of our actiond affect other people - and we need to take responsibility for that - Will go away and hide now.