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Original poster

Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

178 replies

DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 01:04

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 26/04/2005 12:19

Toothache, I'm with you, you can have great sex without love and complications, my Uni days were fab!
If you are feeling even slightly vulnerable I would avoid this man, I agree that his marriage is his responsibility but your emotions and self esteem are yours.

snafu · 26/04/2005 12:20

Yeah, me too, but none of my uni shags were married... Slight difference, imo!

WideWebWitch · 26/04/2005 12:21

I think Brozzer's a man too. I agree with everyone who says don't do it, it'll end in tears, probably yours.

fairyfly · 26/04/2005 12:22

I think there maybe a middle ground brozzer

Lizzylou · 26/04/2005 12:24

You're right Snafu, I was just agreeing that you can separate love and sex.............

PsychoFlame · 26/04/2005 12:28

I have only 'been' with DP though, so it could be why I can't seperate the two!

Original poster
DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 12:29

LOL toothache!

After all that's been said I also had to chuckle at the concept of 'innocent' flirting...hmmm. From what I've seen on here that's the last thing I'd expect to be said!

What exactly constitutes flirting these days - I people sex on the phone, is that still just flirting?!?!?!?!?! (This isn't what we've been up to by the way!..although...)

Find the whole cyber sex type thing amazing for the ramifications and implications it has, can you be unfaithful if you're not physically doing anything? what does the law say, will it have to change...see, I am a saddo!!! Maybe another topic for conversation.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 26/04/2005 12:29

Yes, you can separate love and sex, but I'm not sure that this guy's wife would look at it that way.

Original poster
DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 12:31

I KNOW people who have sex on the phone - bad editing sorry!

OP posts:
koalabear · 26/04/2005 12:38

being unfaithful starts in your head, not in your actions

Toothache · 26/04/2005 12:43

Snafu - I honestly couldn't tell you if any of them were married! Didn't ask and didn't really care at that point in my life. It wasn't my responsibility to know or care, it was theirs if they were married. That's my point I suppose....

koalabear · 26/04/2005 12:47

Again, we come back to reponsibility ....

NomDePlume · 26/04/2005 12:47

However, if you did know that the person was married then surely that would have adjusted your decision, toothy ?

The fact is that DorA knows the man is married. There is no grey area.

Listmaker · 26/04/2005 12:48

I've been on ALL sides of this. I've slept with a few married men. Two left their wives for me, two didn't (no one really got hurt there I don't think - not me, not the man and the wives never found out). Of the two that left their wives - one I got fed up with and dumped so that wasn't good for him and nto great for the wife but I believe they are both happily re-married (to other people) now.

The other one I thought was the love of my life and we were together 5 years and had 2 dds. Then yes, you guessed it he had an affair with someone at work and we split up!

I also had a 6 month fling with someone while with a previous dp. He never found out and it was brilliant fun.

I don't judge and I certainly know how hard it is to resist that buzz when someone fancies you and you them. It is totally irrisistable. Obviously I've been a totally immoral slut and you'll all hate me!

But I am changed now and having been through all that I would never do it again. It's totally out of my system and I know it never ends brilliantly. I now have a lovely new man who was totally faithful to his wife for 26 years until she left him for someone else. I look forward to being totally faithful to him and he to me for the rest of our lives because that's the way to have self-respect and be happy.

But we all make mistakes and you can't always do the right thing all the time! It's fun to be naughty!

I never blamed the other woman when my exdp had his affair - I blamed him and even more myself for believing I would be different and he wouldn't do it to me because we were 'special'!! Yeah right!!

It's taken me 40 years to finally get some moral fibre and taste in men and I am in a really, really good place now. But can I really regret my sordid past? No probably not! It was great fun and makes it very easy for me to say I'm never doing anything like it again!

Hope you don't all hate me. I'm actually a really nice person - just crap with men and weak willed when lust rose its ugly head!!!!

Listmaker · 26/04/2005 12:51

Sorry forgot to say that as for DorA's original post. I guess you'll do what you want and won't listen anyway because everyone KNOWS an affair is wrong and a minefield but plenty of people go ahead anyway because some things are too hard to resist!

I'd just say don't let yourself get used and keep your self respect. Then you can hold your head up whatever happens.

Toothache · 26/04/2005 13:04

NDP - I must say that even if I had known they were married it probably wouldn't have changed my actions! I just didn't see that I had any loyalty to anyone other than the people I cared about.

I work in the construction industry where we have a lot of guys who travel from all over the UK and live in B&B's during the week. I can't honestly count how many sleep around or have a permanent 'weekday partner'!! It is rife. When the wives come up to visit its quite satisfying to see them squirm as they introduce them to me.... coz the guys know we know what they're up to!!! Its not nice, but it is so common.

I can see it from both points of view... as a carefree woman being a bit wild and enjoying lots of sex and attention.... and now as a wife I can appreciate how devastating it can be.... if you find out.

Must add that I do trust my DH when it comes to other women.... he doesn't trust me however after the electronic affair with a colleague!

Original poster
DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 13:42

Toothache - electronic 'affair'...did it stay as an e-affair then?

OP posts:
fostermum · 26/04/2005 13:52

if its my husband,take him !!!!!!

ggglimpopo · 26/04/2005 13:55

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 14:06

I can't post on here again. I'm loosing my grip and would end up be extremely rude and provocative. Off to find a discussion on knitting patterns

ggglimpopo · 26/04/2005 14:06

Message withdrawn

handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 14:14

I wasn't going to post again, but ggglimpopo - great link. Rather exposes what this is all about warts and all.

Still the other woman in that debacle can rest easy with her conscience knowing that she owes no responsibility to the wife - eh?

Toothache · 26/04/2005 14:20

DorA - Yes, but given a chance it would have certainly went further. DH found out (not going into details, but it was horrible). We nearly split up, but managed to work through it. Our relationship has never been wonderful, but I would say it was much stronger after that... for a while. I was suffering terribly from PND and DH resented me for 'putting the family through hell'.... meaning by me being depressed, like I was depressed deliberately to hurt him.
I got attention elsewhere and it was wonderful and fun and a light reprieve from the desperately bleak home life.
All got too heavy in the end, lasted about 6 months. We kept in touch sporadically after that, just catching up, but haven't heard from him in about 2yrs, since I married DH.

Uhuru · 26/04/2005 14:21

Thanks ggglimpopo for posting the link to my thread - I saw this thread but feel so sick could not even read it after the first couple of posts. Seems like nobody takes any responsibility for their actions - perhaps I should try to get off with one of my friends' husbands - after all it is his responsibiity isn't it - not mine!!!!

munz · 26/04/2005 14:22

flirting to me would be well flirting face to face u know when u've had a few drinks and all. althou i've just asked DH if he does do any of that when he's out etc with the lads and he assures me he's only out to get drunk witht he lads so theres another question then, if his marriage was so great why would he be looking for some one for a bit of fun? if that's the case u'll have a lot of hassle on ur hands. is the man really worth that?