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Original poster

Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

178 replies

DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 01:04

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 14:23

Uhuru,

I'm going to catch up with your thread in more detail. How are you?

Please take solace that the majority of posters on this thread do believe in a wider definition of personal responsibility.....

Toothache · 26/04/2005 14:25

HMC - I hope that wasn't directed at me! My Mum was on the receiving end. When I was 15 we found out that my Dad had been having an affair since before I was born.... and it was STILL going on! Mum wasn't even going to tell Dad she knew. She was scared of him leaving and worried she would lose custody of my 2 brothers who were only small at the time. I told him, he ended the affair over the phone as my Mum, me and my elder sister stood there listening. It was horrible. The woman was screaming and crying down the phone. I actually felt quite sorry for her... a tiny little bit. The rest of me felt total hatred for her.

Mum and Dad are still together and my Mum reminds her 4 children every day how much she hates my Dad. But then, she didn't have to stay with him and I lost a lot of respect for her after that.

Toothache · 26/04/2005 14:29

Uhuru - I don't think going after your mates DH is along the same lines as my saying that I didn't really care at Uni whether a one night stand was married or not. I'm not explaining things very well am I? Obviously you have to take responsibility of your own actions.

munz · 26/04/2005 14:32

well I don't know what the rest of u guys feel but for me married is it, line underneath everything that happened b4 it (if DH cheated on me then I wouldn't bother so much) but now thou it would be game over, as it would for me. Marriage if me and DH for life, not me, DH and some random woman/man off of the street. in our house affairs and marriage don't go together, hell even when I was single I never looked at a married man, and if one approached me I'd never dream of being with him.

handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 14:34

Toothache - it wasn't directed at you. I don't pick off individual posters because I don't like scraps!

Toothache · 26/04/2005 14:35

Munz - Strangely enough, I never really thought marriage would change anything between DH and I, but I now put much more importance on fidelity since we signed on the dotted line.

Cranberry · 26/04/2005 14:38

Munz - 6 weeks ago I would have said the same thing myself but until you;ve been in that situation you really don't know.

handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 14:41

Have you just 'outted' yourself?

munz · 26/04/2005 14:42

TA - well that's is, I don't know what it is but since we've signed that line it's for life, we do joke about with leaving each other and such likes but its' never serious.

miranda2 · 26/04/2005 14:49

Just wanted to add that actually infidelity is nowhere near as common as people seem to think! I think the last figure I heard was that 40% of married people had had an affair - ie, 60% had NOT, in their life, ever. It can be done, its just not very fashionable! Just say 'no'...

handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 14:54

Ignore post three down. Am getting confused!

fostermum · 26/04/2005 15:21

it takes more then one to flirt and cheat its not right but you can bet that if there up for it with someone if that person turns them down they will go else where

PsychoFlame · 26/04/2005 15:24

They might go elsewhere, but at least it means they will have had to work a bit harder, and that you haven't be involved in pain causing.

Saying all this, I met a lovely girl, think she's great, and yet her partner left his wife for her when his son was newborn... It completely tears me up as I know it goes against all I believe in, but love her dearly!!

PsychoFlame · 26/04/2005 15:26

Oh, all Psychoflame posts on here are Flamesparrow....

fostermum · 26/04/2005 15:29

well mine is off for conference for work for few days lucky it right by where his "friend " on line lives.ive given him a gift to give her the flu so if you live near coventry beware lol

handlemecarefully · 26/04/2005 15:52

That's interesting Pyschoflame. Have you felt able to broach the subject with her? - what did she say about it? (prurient curiousity here).

If I thought she was wearing a hair shirt for the rest of her life and self flagellating herself for it I am sure I could move on and forgive her

flamesparrow · 26/04/2005 17:20

I have talked about it with her, it seems to have been a case of them falling in love years before, and then met up again at the wrong time, and he was already miserable. Not sure how much of that can be taken as pure truth, but want to give them both benefit of the doubt... it is harder now I know that the baby was a long tried for one

Pretty much leave it like religion and politics... best avoid the subject!

Original poster
DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 17:49

Don't all this just go to show that this isn't a cut n dried 'lovely wife v bitch other woman'...sure there ARE man hunting cows out there (like the silly tarts mentioned on another post who give points for copping off with married men and extra for how many kids they have - I'd like to bloody smack em!)but you can't generalise to everyone as not everyone is horrid.

Love fades, marriages end...mine lasted 10 yrs but we lost the love... but are still great friends and are moving on.

Even my mother left my dad for another married guy and went on to have 20 years of marriage with him...

She got torn to pieces by the rest of her family so she let rip and pointed out, to my absolute shock and disbelief, how everyone had skeletons in their closets - even the most proper of them, who are old ladies now and have apparently forgotten their own little play away times (which everyone in the village knows but of course it's not mentioned)...

OP posts:
MarsLady · 26/04/2005 18:06

I read the original post and all I can say is do you really want to be with such a low life? DH almost had his head turned. The devastation caused was not worth even the flirtation. Is that what you want to be responsible for? Just for a quick bit of illicit fun? I read just beyond Chandra's first post, and I have to say that I don't find anything that she said too brutal. We spend so much time wondering how people can abuse one another, cause unnecessary pain to one another and then you come along smiling that it's not really that bad. Let's call a spade a spade. It is! As a wife who has been on the receiving end of an illicit buzz (his not mine) I can tell you that I would not wish that pain on anyone. Not one ounce! Still, I'm sure that once he's finished with you, or at the end of the "wonderful" marriage that you might have with him your happiness will have been worth the long reaching, long lasting pain that is caused to others. After all it's all about what the individual wants isn't it, with no responsibility.

I am so angry that anyone could even take that sort of thing so lightly. You are the only person who can be held responsible for your own decisions. I hope you decide wisely and move on.

flamesparrow · 27/04/2005 07:52

You are right... love does fade, and marriage does end...

I just think that waiting until the marriage has officially ended is the right thing to do.

Was talking to my mum about this last night (who has been cheated on and left for the other woman), and her view is that it is stealing - plain and simple. And the disturbing thing is that so many people would be horrified at being called a shoplifter etc, but would see a married man without batting an eyelid.

handlemecarefully · 27/04/2005 08:52

that's a good way of putting it - stealing - I like that. So true.

munz · 27/04/2005 09:16

with FS on that one if the marriage dies a natural death then see what happens after, it is stealing really isn't it. for me it's black and white.

bloss · 27/04/2005 09:48

Message withdrawn

Cam · 27/04/2005 09:49

Psychomum I also know a woman who met her husband when he was already married with a pregnant wife. He ditched his pregnant wife (to whom he'd been married for only about a year)who has to this day had nothing more to do with her errant ex-husband, including never letting him have anything to do with their child.
Second wife, the woman I know, complains about how awful this is (and has since gone on to have 3 children herself with husband).
I have thought to myself, but you're the cause of it

ggglimpopo · 27/04/2005 10:01

Message withdrawn