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Original poster

Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

178 replies

DeadorAlive · 26/04/2005 01:04

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

OP posts:
fairyfly · 27/04/2005 10:05

After we wheeled are son into theatre my wonderful man said he needed some fresh air and rang his lady friend for comfort. While i paced the corridors. That is the kind of man she is now sleeping with, so basically more fool her.

lou33 · 27/04/2005 10:08
Shock
handlemecarefully · 27/04/2005 10:19

wicked.

PsychoFlame · 27/04/2005 10:22
Shock
munz · 27/04/2005 10:29

that's disgusting.

Bugsy2 · 27/04/2005 15:13

Its only human to feel flattered that someone likes/lusts after you. So no shame there DorA. Putting aside any moral issues for a moment. What I think you need to ask DorA is what this chap is looking for and what you actually want. Do you think he just wants to "flirt" with you? Are you really having that much fun flirting with him? Do you think he'll want to take it further - do you?
Does this guy really, really "like" you? Does he know when your birthday is, the age of your children, what your favourite colour is etc or does he just "lust" you?
What about you? What do you want? What is going to make you feel good about yourself? Does he make you feel good about yourself? If it went further, would you want him offering to leave his family for you?
Sometimes I think if you examine the bald facts of a situation without clouding it with "right & wrong" issues, you often find that what you thought was just light hearted fun - is anything but.
Good luck to you DorA - just remember the only person out there with your best interests at heart is you.

noddyholder · 27/04/2005 15:16

It is wrong and you shouldn't do it.He probably has a perfectly good relationship with his wife but can see you being blinded by flattery and is taking his chance Have more respect for yourself he is not yours to lust after One of you has to show some dignity and respect for her let it be you He sounds tragic

dot1 · 27/04/2005 17:42

I haven't read all the ins and outs of the thread, but I think I'm going to go against the trend here... I'd say if you know the parameters of the relationship with him - i.e. that he's not going to leave his wife, that it's fun while it lasts but isn't going to be a long term thing for you, then go for it. (ducks for cover...).

You're not having a relationship with his wife, he is, and it's up to him to sort that side of his life out.

Just be careful if you think it might be a 'love' thing - you might end up heartbroken, but then that's the risk with any relationship. So my advice would be to get the 'rules' sorted out in advance...

Good luck!!

handlemecarefully · 27/04/2005 21:30

Dot!

dot1 · 28/04/2005 17:50

I'm just in an 'oh sod it' frame of mind at the moment..! Sometimes I think it's important to go for it and see - otherwise it can sometimes turn into something even bigger in your head because of the 'what if..' feeling - why not go for it, and it'll either turn out to be wrong or rubbish - or even just right! Morals and ethics are all very well, but sometimes you've just got to have a go...!!

Not that I'm speaking from experience, you understand!!!!

koalabear · 28/04/2005 18:05

Whatever happened to taking responsibility for your own actions? Doing something which you KNOW will cause someone else pain is just plain selfish

WigWamBam · 28/04/2005 18:08

Go and read some of the posts on here from women whose husbands are having affairs, then tell us that it's just a bit of fun.

AngelCakeUmm · 28/04/2005 18:15

I agree with with you WWB.

beansprout · 28/04/2005 18:17

It's the passive tone of the original post that I like.
You ARE an adult, take some responsibility. If you do go ahead, try and find out who his wife is. If it was me I promise I would come down to your level, find you and beat the living crap out of you. I'm usually a mild mannered Bean but there is no excuse for this. Sorry, but you did ask.

koalabear · 28/04/2005 18:22

ok, i've been reading these threads for a while now, and i'm now going to say what i've been holding back on - probably not very eloquently, but here goes

marriages go through tough times - they all do - human nature looks for comfort elsewhere at times - HOWEVER, marriages need commitment and effort and work to keep going, and sometimes a little bit of extra tender love and care to fix things that are wrong

if people take the attitude that "oh well, he/she is the one who is married - it's their lie/problem, not mine - I'M not the one who is deceiving", then you are basically making it harder for the marriage to work

marriages are public commitments, and sometimes they need the community/friends/family/collegues to help them work - not undermine them because "its not my responsibility"

as i said before, when you know it will hurt someone, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBIILITY not to do it

there, i'll probably get flamed, but so be it

EmmaBovary · 28/04/2005 18:27

I've just finished an affair with a married man.

I couldn't help it because I had desperately fancied him for three years and it was a dream come true to be with him. I agree with Dot that it can become a huge thing in your head and sometimes it's better to get it out of your system...

The reality of having an affair soon lost its allure for me though. It's exhausting - meeting in hotel rooms behind your partners' backs, constant text messages, constant lying and inventing excuses for where you've been.

At least it ended cleanly, no-one found out, no-one got hurt. I am learning to live with the guilt - I am not proud. My ex-lover is a cold fish who has done this before and will continue to do it with other women.

I pity the wife. She has absolutely no idea whatsoever and thinks her dh is Mr. Wonderful and Mr. Faithful.

The world is a bit of a farce really.

koalabear · 28/04/2005 18:44

"i couldn't help it"

yes, you could have

we all have control over our own actions

"no one got hurt"

even though the wife did not know (as far as you know), she still got hurt in that he husband was emotionally/physically absent because he was with you

i'm not saying it is your fault - it takes two - i'm just saying that when we take part in an affair, we are complicit in the effects of that, whatever they may be

AngelCakeUmm · 28/04/2005 18:48

I just think some people have no boundaries and no self respect! If that was my dp i would come down on you like a ton of bricks !!

EmmaBovary · 28/04/2005 19:09

She must be pretty accustomed to emotional/physical absence from her husband.

Before me, he had a three year affair with a work colleague with whom who he spent one night a week in a hotel (they live in the country and he 'needs' to stay in the city for business).

He is 100% responsible for his wife, I did not marry her. The buck stops with him. I just behaved badly in doing it. I do feel genuinely bad for her though and am glad I am no longer having sex with him.

Men like him do this for years, telling their bits on the side that they would leave wifey if it wasn't for the kids etc etc, don't want to ruin everyone's life by breaking up the family unit.

I wonder though would anyone honestly rather have a husband who cheated on them once a week for YEARS rather than have a clean break, end the relationship and try and work out something amicable for the sake of the kids, maybe meet a decent bloke who isn't booking hotel rooms to shag in as soon as wifey's back is turned?

I think you have to be very careful who you marry in this life.

noddyholder · 28/04/2005 19:11

I agree with the last few posts If you know it is wrong why do it?Although I also think you had made up your mind before you posted tbh......

AngelCakeUmm · 28/04/2005 19:15

My question to you would be:

"why would you want to have sex with such a sleeze bag in the first place"? if you know he has done this before and think he will carry on doing this for a long time.

where is your self respect ??

Did you think he wanted you? obviously he just wanted his cake and wants to eat it but hey each to there own!

fairyfly · 28/04/2005 19:15

I wonder though would anyone honestly rather have a lover who cheated WITH them once a week for YEARS rather than total commitment , who doesn't end the relationship with his wife and pretend he is hard done by for having a family. Someone who is honest and upfront, maybe meet a decent bloke who isn't using them in hotel rooms to shag as soon as wifey's back is turned?

I think you have to be very careful who you sleep with in this life.

EmmaBovary · 28/04/2005 19:30

Mmmm...

To be honest I didn't know he had had that three-year affair when ours started. He told me about it much later. In fact I had always thought he was very happily married and a very devoted father to his two kids. I even liked and admired him for being a family man.

Unfortunately, I had always fancied him because he is extremely intelligent, funny and charismatic.

When he told me he was staying in his marriage purely for the kids, had got married too young, had never been 'in love' with the wife blah blah, I was stunned.

I was so much in lust with him that I thought I would just kiss him and leave it at that. Obviously mutual sexual attraction took over. It was a very passionate affair. I didn't want a relationship with him or a future - God Forbid - in a way a major attraction was that he was totally unavailable. And so am I.

I don't think it's a matter of self-respect because I just did what felt right at the time and I always try not to beat myself up about the choices I make, even if they are a bit dodgy. Sometimes we all behave less than perfectly.
At least I haven't got married and duped some poor sod into thinking they've got this great catch...

fairyfly · 28/04/2005 19:33

They are hardly going to say, i had great sex with my wife last night, i love her dearly but your quite fit and im a bit of a bastard and wouldn't mind trying you out, are they?

EmmaBovary · 28/04/2005 19:35

Obviously not, FF, and that is why so many people have affairs!!!