Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

[DeadorAlive]

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

and you aren't even married I notice

I don't think anybody is blaming DorA for her feelings. Everyone is warning her that her catch 'aint no catch worth keeping.

Brozzer, if you'd care to take a look back at my post and note the words I have highlighted for your benefit...

"1) Just because DorA is not linked to this woman in any particular way does not mean that she is free of responsibility if she chooses to persue this relationship with the woman's husband. If she knew he was married when she embarked on the affair then she is equally responsible for the betrayal that could spell misery for an innocent person (the wife), and the breakdown of a marriage - possibly irrevocably. "

I never suggested that the 'other wman' was the devil incarnate and the husband a lamb to the sexual slaughter. They are equally responsible.

Don't forget that worse things the church has accepted for its head (such as murdering several wives in a row) and still... it's not publicly accepted.

BTW I'm convinced we don't live in fairyland but I believe that we are responsible for the consequences of our acts regardless if we have initiated them or not. There's a countryside saying in my country that I think is very true, it translates more or less as follows:

So much sins the one that kill the cow as the one that keeps it still.

So following the example of the cow... let's move to a lower grounds, suppose somebody murders someone and another person hids the body, it's the accomplice innocent? is certainly less guilty but innocent? I don't think so. Obviously the matter is not as serious as this but I thought the simmile would be of help to explain myself better.

Think everyone is making the same point really...sorry know that's boring BUT...the point is if you don't stop now you will end up feeling really really S**T some day soon.

A long time ago I had a flirtation with a married guy (I was single and knew nothing of the oaths of marriage so give me a break) ANYWAY at some stage he's going to either reject you and point out that he's married or start laying his guilt trip at your door. That's the way it works...and you will be left feeling rejected and angry. At best he leaves his wife and you walk off it to the sunset and you spend the rest of your life checking his texts and emails for his ex or new love interest.

Don't refuse the man out of some moral crusade for his wife...do it because you will get badly let down. Clearly you are an attractive woman who can get a sexy single man without baggage so go get it.

BTW last post was in answers to Brozzer question.

i ben the other women once and not proud. I was in a bad place before i met him having been badly rejected so i guess he could have been anyone as long as he said he cared. NEver knew his wife they werent local and that kept me going for a while but it doesnt take long to realise that they are going home to their wives. It all ended after he got caught lying. I asked him repeatedly if he had kids and he said no than my mate found out he did and forced him to confess. Luckily he left the next week he lied about the existance of his daughter how could anyting he said be trusted if he could say that. We spoke a couple of times but then thankfully i dropped contact. Its messy and shameful not worth it really

Thanks for the feedback.

I changed my name because I haven't been on here for 6 months and I didn't want any connection to old sanctimonious me - and it refers to whether I'm so dead in myself I can't see the wood for the trees, or whether this is actually showing me I'm alive...

Half of the problem is that I'm fighting with being a hypocrit, all this goes against my normal way of thinking, I HAVE been thinking of his wife, and I know she would be horrified as I would myself if I found out my DH was secretly txting someone else (and from what I'm reading it seems everyone's at it these days), but I was being honest by admitting that this is becoming less of a concern because it has really given me a boost. Prior to this, not interested in ANY man - nobody was going to interupt me and my kids thank you. Me and them, that's all that mattered and all I had time for. This has sparked a flame I didn't know was there.

When I read posts on here saying about DH straying I still get the same gut reaction of what a tosser...but then I have to remind myself where I'm at now!

Never in a million years would I expect to be involved in this - this hasn't got physical just flirting and messages since he genuinely doesn't seem to want to make it anything else - which is why I was asking if other people had experienced something like this and it HAD stayed just a bit of 'fun'...

Also don't understand men, haven't had to bother for such a long time and didn't care to be frank - you won't believe it but I was so vicious in my anti-men attacks that I've been asked if I was a lesbian, which I'm not, but I was 'well known' for not having a lot of time for fellas and their pathetic, trouser driven ways..so why have I lost it when it comes to this guy!

... have I been such a prude for such a long time? Missing out? If something like this adds a little spice to your day does it HAVE to be always bad? Don't married women find it wonderful when someone compliments them, haven't any of you EVER made a flirty comment or text knowing it's just that?

Well I've been there too. Had a massive crush on a guy at work. He was married, I might as well have been married..... didn't stop the feelings of elation when we saw each other.... sneaked lunch together. It never went any further as DH(DP at the time) found out.

I was miserable in my relationship at the time and he was miserable in his relationship too. In fact, he split from his wife anyway (not for me!). I'm not going to be high and mighty about it.... just realistic in that you can have a fling with him if you want, but don't expect it to be anythig other than that.

Although Brozzers points a little far fetched I do agree that DorA has no true loyalty to this mans wife. HE does though!!
And infidelity happens a lot more often than we like to think. I know that most of my friends (male and female) have had extra marital activities ranging from flirting.... to kissing.... to the fully fledged 'bits on the side'. Doesn't make it right though I know.

Brozzer - well done for starting another row. I think calling other posters clowns is a bit strong. I'm a married man, am I destined to cheat?

DorA - I can fully understand how you feel. I agree with whoever said, take those good feelings and realise you deserve better than a married man's bit on the side. Look and you will find someone worthy of YOU. Good luck.

I felt guilty enough after accidentally ploughing my car into a woman and slightly hurting her neck - the thought that I played a part in breaking another woman's heart is just way too much for me.

I am trying to get myself out of the thinking that DP will cheat on me because "its what happens" without people saying its the way of the world and to go with it!!!

If you know that someone else will get hurt because of your actions, then it is just plain wrong.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned....

DorA - It is great that you have found something that makes you feel good - it is just that, usually, this type of thing ends up making you feel REALLY REALLY CRAP

Perhaps take those good feelings away now, and try to find them again from somewhere / someone / something else that will, in the end, be a positive experience for you

"He took my number, made the first move". so you meant just innocent flirting by made the first move? I think then, that all this has been blown out of proportion. Good food for tought, anyway.

DoA, you asked "don't married women find it wonderful when someone compliments them, haven't any of you EVER made a flirty comment or text knowing it's just that".

Yes, of course it's wonderful; yes, of course we flirt. Flirting is harmless, as long as that's as far as it goes. I have the impression, though, that your relationship with this man is far more than just harmless flirting. Don't try and kid yourself that this is just a bit of harmless fun; it's much, much more than that.

DorA

You have one choice here: bask in the attention, use it to remind yourself that you are still a hot lady and then tell this loser to shove it. Preferably where the sun don't shine. He sounds like a sad stinking rat and needs to be told by none other than you that it's tough sh*t he can't have what he wants. Then make yourself pretty and go out on the lash with some decent honest mates.

I was 'the other woman' once, although i didn't know it at the time. The scumbag was engaged and his fiancee was 6 mths pregnant with his baby! Believe me if i'd known i wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. I only found out through a friend some months after he stopped contacting me. And he was one of my university lecturers. F*cker.

None of them are worth it - can you honestly see yourself making it work with a lowlife such as this?

I most certainly have been through it which is why I am posting here, although for the last time as it's getting a bit hostile out there. It is - although INCREDIBLE it might seem - possible to have illicit sex with a man and not totally and utter 'devalue' yourself, or be a 'pushover', or be dragged 'down to his level' or be 'exploited' or be totally and utterly heartbroken when it ends DREADFULLY and destroy your own life and other people's around you.

I never realised a shag could be quite so destructive for we fragile, chaste, vulnerable, impressionable little lady-girls!!!! Best stay indoors.

You should know better then, brozzer. Each to their own but don't pretend to be so innocent.

lol Brozzer. That's true... how come some men can have a one night stand of incredible sex.... then happily carry on married and not feel used, violated or deeply traumatised by the experience??

...and having read the other posts in between my last one...just for the record I can't imagine EVER trusting another man again from what I see, hear from colleagues and read about - it is shocking, I lost any of the little respect I had in fellas a few months back (not my ex - she thinks! - just hearing tales of what goes on in a seedy but popular hidden world that todays technology allows so easily) and came to the sad conclusion that this is just how it is these days.

I certainly have no hopes that this guy will leave his wife, in fact I'd be horrified at the thought of doing that to another woman...but I know if I ever get together with any fella I certainly will not be kidding myself that he has eyes for no other but me and wouldn't respond to naughty messages if he knew he could get away with it.

This IS a parenting site but have always found Mumsnet to be a source of great comfort, learning and laughter - and thanks to those brave enough to come forward as devils advocate!

I'm learning a hell of a lot lately ...

I guess I am old fashioned then... for me sex is emotional, and not just "a good shag"

PMSL Brozzer.

Off to play with my dolls... Bye

All through my Uni days sex was merely about getting a good shag!! I enjoyed playing the field and going out on the 'pull' with my friends. I know it's all different now I'm married, but still sex for me is only sometimes emotional.... sometimes I just want a good shag... although it's with DH now!

DorA - In your shoes I'd be inclined to carry on flirting and sending emails etc, coz I have no willpower... and it's fun and naughty and exciting! But hey... maybe I'm just a trollop!

Been there, done it DorA and I regret it more than anything. I suspect you'll go fo it whatever anyone says but don't forget that you are suggesting an affair with someone who doesn't think you deserve anything else but second best. He doesn't think that you deserve anything but a shag when he wants it (and can get away with it). He'll never leave his wife for you (why should he - he can have his cake and eat it) and every birthday/Christmas/whatever you'll be home alone whilst he plays happy families. Even if he did leave his wife for you I can promise you that you'll never trust him and once he's bored of you he'll move on to his next victim. Your self esteem will end up rock bottom and you'll pass up countless opportunities to meet a decent bloke of your own. I'd suggest you get out and meet some new people - hopefully you'll meet someone who'll treat you properly and put you first. Do you really want to be with someone who's capable of lying and cheating like that?