Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

[DeadorAlive]

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

HMC

I totally agree about human decency but I think it's very easy to get all moralistic and wise until you're the person with a massive crush on someone who is technically unavailable eg married. Just trying to offer an alternative viewpoint, even if it it quite blatantly selfish and naughty.

You could argue that he'll just cheat with someone else if it's not you, anyway. You are not single-handedly saving his wife's dignity/marriage by refusing to have anything to do with him. Her fate is already written in the stars. She's married a cheat (so do we all). Perhaps she knows or doesn't care. Perhaps she just wanted some kids and is grateful to have him. Perhaps she's got someone on the side herself. Who knows??!!

Brozzer maybe you are just more of a realist than me [rueful smile emoticon]

Here here, lets all shag each other partners and husbands, hopefully some of us will spread std's. make a few more babies, lower our self esteem, wreck a few lives, mess up our children, fantastic idea, you've sold me. Now i must get changed into something a little more revealing as i am picking my son up soon and i noticed a few sexy dads.

A few points on your list of thoughts, Brozzer....

1. Just because DorA is not linked to this woman in any particular way does not mean that she is free of responsibility if she chooses to persue this relationship with the woman's husband. If she knew he was married when she embarked on the affair then she is equally responsible for the betrayal that could spell misery for an innocent person (the wife), and the breakdown of a marriage - possibly irrevocably.

2. No, DorA is not a 'freak' for considering his advances but she would be doing something 'dreadful' by acting on them. Just because it happens 'often' does not make it ok. FWIW, it's perfectly possible for a sexual person to be entirely faithful to their partner and to remain so for life.

3. 'Ridiculous' is the wrong word. It is wrong to have an affair with a married man, whether it be a one night stand or a Charles & Camilla style long running number.

Brozzer, should we understand, from your post, that you don't mind your DH/partner/boyfriend sleeping with his coworkers as long as he has not initiated the affair????

and I thought I was open minded...

Must add, cos i meant to on my post, that i do know that I shouldn't have been interested in the slightest as i have a long term partner.
Just couldn't help myself, which is no bloody excuse i know.

It is wrong, and any decent human being knows that BUT it is not always easy to resist temptation.

Am not condoning it at all just trying to explain and not doing a very good job

DeadorAlive, it is natural to be flattered when someone you like pays you a bit of flirtatious attention, enjoy the boost it gives you and move on.

DeadorAlive.....I think your situation is totally understandable but stop and savour this moment. The flirtation and flattery is always the best bit so soak it all up, get that self-confidence back and remind yourself that you are an extremely eligible woman who will find love with someone worthy of it.
He's not worthy of it and you know it so stop before he starts to eat away at your confidence.

Message withdrawn

It's probably my boyfriend

I have compassion for you brozzer, it must be hard to go through life with such a tainted and cynical viewpoint.

DorA, he's a sh*t. Don't drag yourself down to his level. I have a close friend who justified sleeping with a married man with the same arguements, and it was all pointless. It all came out, and she was the one labelled as a man hungry untrustworthy slapper not the git who was actually being unfaithful.

Message withdrawn

Robin's idea is a good one. It always raise the self-confidence loads to say No to a very attractive person.

I'm still savouring telling off the managing director (he was very attractive, i'm not blind) even when I wouldn't dare to brag about the stupid situation in public.

I do agree with Brozzer in that it's pointless trying to persuade DorA to think of his wife. She certainly isn't DorA's responsibility and DorA has already said she doesn't feel bad about her, so let's not even bother banging that particular drum.

What I am going to say is, get a grip and show yourself some respect, DorA. You say you're too gobsmacked to be objective. Well, honey, get objective. You're flattered now and maybe that's natural but you'll just feel like a prize prat when it all goes tits-up, and it will go tits-up.

He's off limits, end of story. I'm not being moralistic (no right to be!), just realistic.

DeadorAlice - I don't think you are being a bitch or stupid (Brozzers summation of the rest of the posts). Nor do I think you are responsible for his behaviour.

You are however, responsible for how you choose to react to his behaviour. And, you are responsible for the repercussions of your actions.

he probably is popo, i face up to the fact he is probably lying in this day and age, oh well, such is life

Sorry, brozzer, but you're talking bollocks. DoA may not be directly responsible for his wife's happiness but if this carries on then she's going to be at least partly responsible for her unhappiness. The fact that infidelity happens often doesn't make it right, and the fact that DoA isn't married doesn't make it OK for her to shag men who are.

DoA - you make it sound as if you have taken no active part in this. You talk about being reeled in, ask why men do this - as if this is something that's happening to you that you have no choice in. You do have a choice, and you have to take responsibility for the choice that you make.

D or A, as a very impressionable 15yo, many moons ago, the attractive husband of the couple I used to babysit for every sat night, made a pass at me.

Even at that tender age, I knew instinctively what was right. I told him no.

Pleased don't be fooled by this man's flattery - it's obvious from your note that your self esteem is.

If this results in a quick shag with the realisation afterwards that all he saw you as, was a pushover - you're not going to feel uplifted, believe me.

WWB - too true

In general, IMHO I think its time people took a higher degree of responisiblity for their actions, whether they be in relationships, corporate governance, or recylcing to save the environment ....

But that's another discussion entirely

Brozzer, if it makes you feel better to think that everyone cheats at some point and that it is impossible for a married man to stay faithful, then that is your choice. But don't tell everyone that it is a fact of life - maybe in your life.

I feel very sorry for you.

Come on girls. I'm playing devil's advocate here because it makes for more interesting reading. It's good to talk.

Serenity - thank you for your compassion. They told me I'd meet kind people on Mumsnet.

Chandra - I would honestly rather go through life not kidding myself that I live in this picture perfect little world with the perfect partner and perfect child and no-one ever does anything grubby or mucky behind anyone else's back. I can't help it. I don't want to know what my DP gets up to, to be honest, although I have no reason to think he's banging lusty co-workers at the mo. At least , if he did, I would blame HIM not them!!!!

NomdeP - I still really think that the married person is responsible for the betrayal and pain caused by an affair rather than the third-party he chooses to have sex with. Or what is the point of making those silly, far-fetched vows at the aisle in the presence of God???!! I agree that you can do the right thing and not touch a married man but have never ever understood the rage and fury directed towards 'the other woman'??? She didn't pull a gun on your doting hubby and rape him, you clowns!!!

Incidentally, I think the Charles & Camilla story with its fairytale ending shockingly represents how the world is waking up and smelling the coffee in terms of marriage. Charles will one day be the Head of the Church and has been forgiven for cheating on his wife and allowed to marry an adultering whore (the church's view, not mine). It's absolutely incredible that times can change like this so quickly. Even the Church has realised that marriage does not mean fidelity.

I think you are a man.

I'm speechless

Brozzer you have no idea what you would do or who you would blame if you have not been through it.