Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

I have googled "Midlife Crisis" - OMG it's what our husbands are going through, it explains everything .....

Doesn't help us much I know but at least there is some sort of explanation and it's not us.

Somehow I feel calm all of a sudden.

I'm thinking, I will get myself better (I have PND), then I will live my life with my lovely DC to the full. And I will be my sunny self again. DH will regret losing me one day, as I am sparkly and very lovable. I just havent been able to be me for a while. He will still have to see me, due to the DC and I will move on emotionally.

Whether he ever changes his mind or not, I'm going to live and be happy. And I will look on the positive side.

Is that what you mean by us women being strong? Is it an inner strength that steps in when you most need it?

Here is what midlifecrisis.com says

"...For many people, midlife is a time of taking stock. There is a realisation that typically comes sometime after forty that life is finite and with this knowledge comes the desire to make the most of every day. An assessment of career satisfaction may result in anything from an increased effort to succeed at work to a complete change in careers.

When it comes to relationships, some in midlife wonder if their current connections are meeting their needs, prompting some to seek new ways of interacting with those they love, while others feel the need to leave their old lives in hopes of embarking on more satisfying paths.

Midlife Dissatisfaction
Taking stock in midlife is perfectly natural, but many people find that they have not achieved all that they had hoped to by this point in their lives. For those who see themselves as falling short, this is the time when they are likely to make sweeping life changes. Often, when relationships fail in midlife, the reasons have more to do with the feelings that one member of the couple has about themselves and their own shortcomings as it does with their feelings about their partner.

Realising that some of the dreams held in youth may never come true can cause a sense of urgency about trying to make them happen. Commonly referred to as a "mid-life crisis," the actions taken at this point may seem silly or irresponsible to onlookers, but feel quite necessary to those who are feeling the pressure of advancing years...."

I bolded the bit I thought was interesting. Maybe that's why I dont understand why H would leave. When he started to open up at Relate on the 6th session, just before he left, he said he has low self esteem, that he preferred to withdraw rather than fail and that his dad (who died when he was 19) always saw him as a failure.

H doesnt do emotions. His (beloved) Nan died just before Xmas (his parents lived abroad so he went to boarding school and stayed with his Nan and Grandad during a lot of school holidays). Nan's funeral was definitely a turning point for us. He practically killed us in the car on the way down to the funeral by shouting at me from the wheel and driving erratically to "win his point".

It's not me, is it? I feel like I'm realising that now.

I bet I'll still go round in circles though, as it's so imcomprehensible to me why am family man would walk out on a loving wife and such a young family.

you do remain strong, we have an inner strength that is beyond measure.

It is a huge lesson/transition in life, one that none of us asked for, or even knew existed. Till it was forced upon us.

I will love my ex till my dying day, but i also get on with mylife now, as best as i can.

I am glad the Midlife crisis site, helps. It was such a relief to find it, even tho my husband was only 30, he still exhibited all the traits.

When i went on there it was like discovering this whole world of bereaved wives and partners, and i felt comforted.
x

Because it is all about him and what he wants. Women who are mothers are usually stronger than succumbing to these kinds of feelings but men usually are not.

WIMH, what a terrible time you have been having.
From your posts I would recognise your H as a specific type that are common in business and high powered jobs (an area I work in):
He has to control, he has to be seen to be right, if anyone stands up to him he wants not only to stop them but crush them, he has to win all the time.

He must control money, he can't empathise, he can change his routine to suit himself but not anyone else (hence he can suddenly be available for school pick ups when previously he just left you to it while he was posturing at work).

He has to be seen to be a "big man" with his peer group.

Unfortunately he used to do all this crap mostly at work and a bit with you. Now he has turned all this to you.

When you deal with him, as other posters have said, be calm and rational. Write down or even record conversations with him and get them to your solicitor so they have an informed case when the time comes. He will be shocked when you challenge him, previously you have just been his sateillite.

I think you are coping really well in a terrible time.
Stay strong and don't let him play these silly games. Or if he must, don't join in.

WIMH, this was the site I looked at here

Hope that links - never done one before.

It mentions bereavement which may be relevant in your case.

There is also a link from that page about how to survive your spouses' midlife crisis which will probably help all of us - basically it's us getting on with our own lives and letting them get on with it etc.

CT10, read your link and pretty much all of the bullet points relate to my h! Only problem is he is only 33(almost 34) surely it cant be midlife crisis at that age?! Would certainly explain a lot though!

They say it can start from 30 onwards on other sites so don't dismiss it. It certainly relates to my H - it explains a hell of a lot including his behaviour in the last few months etc. He is going to be 40 in October.

Mine has definite avoidant personality issues etc, not to mention the debt issues.

Debt issues here too. Really sounds like what has been going with my h. His own mum said it must be some kind of midlife crisis but I was still a bit even then.

That midlife crisis article is ringing a fair few bells with me also.. I once worked in an office where it could have applied to about two thirds of the men there at some point. How scary is that? Always thought DH was immune (naive emoticon!) but he definitely ticks some of those boxes..

Thinking of you WMIH, take it one step at a time.

Thank-you Countingto10
that link was excellent, have read loads already.

Have just found my H under divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

I hope this links works.
It's all about passive aggressive personalities and goodness it was him. The fear of dependency, victimization and procrastination was him to a tee. He does have his temper outbursts, but most of the time he does exactly as described.

"The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises."

The bit about me/others not seen as having emotional feelings set off huge alarm bells and this bit "The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits"

CT10 you're a genius for finding that website you put link on for, this was connected to that link. Have you read that bit? Does it sound like your H?

Oooh, look what I found now...

"A person with passive aggressive behavior might exhibit some of the following characteristics:

Your partner will procrastinate, leave work undone, or "forget" to fulfill his share of tasks.
When asked about his problems, this person will make excuses or blame others.
He is often found to omit information or lie; if confronted, his temper easily flares.
He may be more prone to cheating in a long-term relationship or marriage.
He may deny his behavior or claim he has good intentions.
He denies his emotions and has a lack of commitment.
He instigates arguments for any reason.
... "

OK naughty of me to put this in here, but look what else I found

"Repetitive interactions with a passive aggressive person can leave you feeling emotionally drained, dejected, and distressed. There are indicators that point to passive aggressive behavior and its hidden anger as one heavy influence in your own moods. They include:

Unexpected, unprovoked outbursts that are disproportionate to the issue.
Isolation or pouting, or retreating into his world.
He is oblivious to your feelings.
Ignoring or blocking you from communication.
Being sensitive and caring one minute; acting aggressive the next.
These behaviors are not only confusing and hard to accept, but they damage your confidence and self-esteem. The vicious passive aggressive cycle can take its toll on you, slowly altering your personality, until you barely recognize your own actions. You feel depressed, you might cry or yell more often than before, and you feel out of control. "

From www.passiveaggresive.com/index4.php?ref=CN-PassLT2&gclid=CMCrw-CLl5oCFYR_3godqgxGMQ (it's to sell an e-book, but the blurb is like reading my H's story)
Does it ring a bell with any of you other MNs whose H's have left?

Yep, WIMH, some of my H traits too - I think mine is totally screwed up and I think has screwed me up too. Don't you just love um !!!!!

midlife crisis isn't only for midlife. it can happen at anytime. I think it can happen when a partner feels suddenly like 'is this it', and i do belive that men, becuase they are diferent creatures entirely to women, just are able to disengage.

late 20's/ early 30's is common as a time to re assess. If you got married young, too.

Piratecat, that pretty much sums up my h as he is early 30's. We got together when he was 23 had our 1st dc within 2 years and was married 18m after that. Here we are 10/11yrs later with h having an affair with 18yr old and not knowing what he wants and pretty much ticking every point on CT10's post (I think it was ct10 who posted it!).

Women must be slightly different as I was only 17 when we first got together, 19 when had first child and married at 21. Im still here though and not messing around with 18yr olds or wondering if this is 'it' for life!

I think when woman have children they know they have reponsibilities to care for them - and if that means sacrificing a bit we accept that.

There was some research that said that woman who have affairs are more likely to end the marriage than men and i think this is because woman have thought it through.

Often men dont really want to end the marriage they just want it all - and for a while get that.

My h followed the classic pattern - he never really wanted to leave us but things catch up eventually and the lies he told everyone was scary. Affairs are not real as often (men) dont actually believe or think it is that wrong.

However he did also 'wake up' just in time and now he finds it easier to talk about what a complete wanker he really was.

Dont ever expect answers as i really dont think he even knows what he was thinking himself - he says it is like it was someone else and not him. It is only once he has the chance to question himself that he will find any answers.

I'm still strangely calm today.
Whenever I think about it, I think, it's him, he has a serious problem. I can get better and I have a sense of freedom about being me again.

That doesnt mean I wouldnt want him to realise how idiotic he is to throw it all away. But you cant have a family that works well where one person is thinking only about themselves. He's not a team player, but has been a ball hogger for a while now.

He may be unhappy with himself, nothing to do with me. I wonder if he has been directing his frustration at me for some time. It's possible that it was something I could never have done anything about, even if I could have been cleverer/more wise/less reactive to his moods. I am really getting a sense that he cannot and will not communicate or try to see someone else has feelings & cannot see their point of view, and therefore will never move on. I think I can and will. I feel stronger than he is.

I think the killer point for me was the bit where he was laughing at me on Monday when I was saying "but how much money are you going to give us? How are we going to survive" and he enjoyed not telling me. Why laugh? It was incredibly cruel and completely about having power over me and playing games. With peoples' lives & emotions. Who does that to his DW who has loved him for 14 years and is the mother of his DC?

He tried to justify it to me later, saying he understands why he did it and is OK with that, he thought I was denying his access rights to his children (he saw them 5x in 2 weeks and I'm not being difficult!). I think he tries to justify everything he does and never accepts responsibility for how he chooses to conduct himself. I cant help but see him as flawed.

At the moment he is flawed - and whist he doesnt have to face his demons he will do and say everything to avoid that.

One day he will have to accept that HE did this not you.

Try not to get drawn into his 'games' but i know that is easier said than done. You are the stronger one at the moment and wants to undermine you on every level he can.

Dont discuss his terrible treatment of you - trying to get him to 'acknowledge' that he is wrong will only make him see you as his 'mother' and make him feel even more justified in staying away.

You have the power to be reasonable about everything, and you will feel better about it in the future.

My h was a pig at times and when we were apart he 'demanded' to see the children - i too never stopped him and now he says he cant believe he was such an arse, and yet if i had put my foot down he would have been worse. One day my h called his solicitor to say that i couldnt cope (i had asked some friends to help) and he was trying to take them to a hotel for a few day - like that was in the best interests of the children.

HappyWoman, without wanting to hijack wimh's thread, that is my h! He doesnt know if he wants the marriage to continue and knows there is NO future with the ow. But he cant keep himself from talking to her. Trying not to ask about it all now as just had enough. Yes the lies are very scary, I think my h actually doesnt know what is truth and what isnt. It is all now coming crashing down although I know I will never know everything. He even said he knows that one day he will have his wake up call and will wonder what on earth he done. Although I even wonder if thats a lie and just being said to make me feel better about it all.

WIMH, Cant offer you any advice but you are doing really well, keep being strong.

WDYAT, have you read the link about how to survive your spouse's midlife crisis - I found it very helpful and put a lot of things into perspective for me.

CT10 Yes I just did. It is very helpful everything there is my h! I cant believe how much of it rings true. There was a lot there about ow/affairs and yes it was very helpful to try to understand it all.

Voodoo doll it is for me!