Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Sunshine - can you try to post with some paragraphs... it's soooo hard to read without

WIMH - he goes up the wankometer daily

As has already been suggested and I am sure you are doing - keep everything and try to use emails/texts so that you can keep a record of what is happening.

I think it's good you are telling everyone what he is doing, for a couple of reasons.... although it's somewhat embarassing to admit he's being a wanker, people need to know what the score is and if at some stage in the future you have a brain bypass and even think about taking the wanker back, there will be plenty of people to put you straight on that!!!!

Hang in there till Wed and have a good session with the solicitor. If that doesn't get you very far, we'll knee cap him for you

Thanks Annabananas, I needed someone to say that to me. I knew it was wrong when I was saying it but I couldnt help myself, so shocked at him today.

Anyway, guess what?
Baby was very ill tonight. She woke up and was screaming and screaming and arching her back for over half hour - I was seriously worried as she never does this - and I rang him (he's still her dad)and he came straight over and helped me calm her down and hold her, so I could do all the things the NHS direct nurse was saying. Baby is fine, her mouth is severely ulcerated and NHS nurse thought it was a pain attack as she did become responsive once had calmed down, but am keeping (another) eye on her through the night tonight (4th night in a row!)

I think he saw how distressed I was about our baby, and he hadnt realised how ill she was (apparently he thought I was being awkward when I said she was too ill to go out with him on Sat, even though what I said was she has hand foot and mouth & is contagious so she needs to stay home!). I think it reminded him he was a family man or at least used to be. Anyway he talked to me tonight and he calmed down a lot.

I know I will believe it when he does it but he has agreed to go to mediation and pay some money to me to cover the mortgage. He said he was "playing me at my own game" (hmmm?) and would always have put in enough to cover mortgage but wanted me to worry for a while.

He said he feels he has no control anymore, as he has nowhere to sleep except his friend couch, nothing to his name except the (lovely car!!) car (I bought him!!) and the clothes in his suitcase and he was upset I'd put a mortice lock on the door (he said his soliciter said it was illegal, oh well mine was quite pleased I did it) and also as I'm managing when he can see the children (which is true but he's hardly not seeing them, having seen them 5x in 2 weeks!!).

I can understand that and I do want the children to see him as he is great fun when he's not being an arse. Really though, this is all his doing. What did he expect?

I also said "Please have a shower and put your sweatshirt through J's washing machine as frankly you stink mate!" He looked tired and old and smelt manky!!!!!

I dont think much of his new life!!!!!

ChippinIn Just seen your kneecap comment

I will do all those things still, as I know he could revert again at any point. I think he has shown his true colours these past 2 weeks and it's really really helping me get over who I thought he was. I even laughed and thanked him for talking to me but said funnily enough since he'd been such an arse all week I wasnt missing him in the slightest and wondered how on earth he'd ever managed to marry me.

He was a bit perplexed but said he was glad to hear that. I think he missed the irony of it all as I can get a sense now, seeing how awful he looks, that at some point he's going to look back and have some regrets.

He earns a ton of money and he's talking about renting a boxy little 3 bed house (first time buyer ones that are tiny on our estate). Ooooh I want to hang on to my nice spacious house as long as possible so that I have a comfortable life bringing the DC up whilst he's crammed into his box with no storage and doors too small for his head!
(Just letting off a bit of steam from today!)

WIMH, Im sorry you have had another tough night with your baby. I would have also rang my h if one of our dcs were ill as you say they are still their dads. At least your h is saying he is going to pay the mortgage/or most of it. That is one less thing for you to worry about. I have been watching your thread and couldnt believe how awful he has been to you over the last few days. After everything he has already done to you it must be so hard. You seem to be getting a lot stronger so well done!

My h is living with his parents and ok has the clean clothes and that but also looks a mess the majority of the time. Why they cant look after themselves I dont know!

Feeling better this morning. Baby slept through the night mostly once we got her down to sleep at 11.

I dont want him back, now I've seen how easily he slips into being a bully. I realise I've been treading round him for years, always dreading the next temper tantrum. Quite frankly I'd rather someone else does it now.

But that leaves me alone, bringing up my 3 DC on my own. Maybe that will be nice for a few years. I cant imagine me finding someone else to share my life with. It will be easy for him to do that and I dont want to see it-- mainly because of how he might play happy families with a new woman and our DC. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when we get there.

Ah baby's cuddling me whilst i type...

I am relieved he's starting to settle down now. At least I hope it lasts.

I'm realising that I need to compromise a lot on what I want for the DC to keep things calm. I hope that is the best thing in the long run, I will keep my eye on the bigger picture though so that it isnt more than I feel comfortable with.

He's agreed he wont have them over night during the week but will take them initially one wed eve in fortnight out to tea and collect them from ASC. I'll give him enough rope to show he's reliable but still be there at end of phone if he is late/not collected the DC. I said we'd try it to see if the DC get too tired, if he cancels or is late, and how it fits in with DC's routine. It's not the best day for them but he says he's willing to leave work at 3.30pm from London on a wed to do it.

Strange how he could never do this when we were married and I was begging him for help.
10 minutes before their bedtime he managed for his "2 early nights home" and even then he often was running late and missed them.

He wants to be able to pop round and babysit for me to go out, and has offered to cut the grass for me, I'm going to think about it, Dont like the idea of him babysitting in our house without me here. It'd be like coming home to my dad, who might go through my stuff.

He's still after me seeling the house, but I think I might be able to manage and keep it. He cant force me to sell until we go to court for final divorce settlement so I have plenty of time.

You are doing really well - it is funny how he can now leave work early because it suits you, but also remember it will benifit you too.

You could try the babysitting at your house - it will show him how well you are doing and also make him wonder where you are going . Take as much help from him as you can now - you deserve it.

He may want you to sell the house and again try and be reasonable - these things dont happen overnight. A friend of mine thought she would have to do that - put it on the market (just as the prices crashed), she had no sensible offers and recently she has met a lovely new man who has paid off the rest of the mortgage.

But wanted to say - well done to you.

I'm exhausted today. I thought I was fine but after so many nights up in a row and being home with ill baby, it's catching up with me. Fell asleep for 2 hours earlier whilst baby slept then cried, I thought I was on a ship until I realised she was crying Mummum Mummum!

Have asked a friend to come round after work tonight to help me as so tired. Am going to Relate lady on my own later, so will try to sleep for 2 hours before I go, and let my friend do kids. This is one day I'm asking for help as I know I need it today as am incredibly tired.

I know how you feel WIMH - I've had a bad couple of days. It's all catching up with me. My 4yr doesn't sleep well, waking in the night and then getting up early. My 6yr old is ASD and has many issues that make life difficult, and my 9 yr old is incredibly stroppy at the moment (probably down to his dad going). My 16 yr old is back at his boarding school for the week (special needs one - he is also ASD) - he has been really struggling. It's all got on top of me - sometimes I would like to run away but I would NEVER, NEVER do that to my kids.

I'm going out for a drink tonight with a friend so hopefully that will help.

Good luck with Relate and hope you and your LO are feeling better soon.

It's only two weeks isn't but a lifetime ago for me in my life. Before he left and after he left us.

I really couldnt believe that he really wanted to leave me when he first left, and that this is what he wants to do with his life. He's taken his wedding ring off. My friend told me he was so together at football training at the weekend, almost too together acting as if everything was normal.

I wonder whether he has a heart or how deep he ever was.

My heart is starting to realise there is no going back and that it wont all magically fix later on. Is this the start of grieving for your lost husband? He isnt the same or what I thought of him. I cant get over how he laughed when I asked him about paying the mortgage. He enjoyed the fact that I was frightenned. He left me only 2 weeks beforehand, I have never done anything mean to him and he enjoyed being cruel to me. Who is this man?

dont worry about asking for help - people will be willing - and you can always re-pay the favour sometime.
You will find who your true friends are too.

Good luck tonight with your counselling.

Yep - mine took his wedding ring off as soon as he left - makes you wonder doesn't it, like who the hell were we married to .....

I was going to post what HappyWoman has already said - if something like this ever happened to a friend of mine then I'd be happy to take the children to the park, or have them over for lunch, so that she could get some rest or whatever. I think that most people are happy to help and glad to be able to actually do something.

just wanted to give my support, and totally know how you are all feeling. my ex dh did the same to me 4 yrs ago.

Somehow you just keep going.
xx

I want to save my marriage. I dont want any of this to happen. I dont understand why he would want to leave a DW who loved him and did everything for him and our 3 gorgeous DC. Why would he do this? It's so crazy.

I've been crying about money this morning, applying for CTC and it takes 6-8 weeks to do so how do I pay for the childcare in the meantime. We've no money left for the next two weeks so only have the food in the cupboard except for my credit card.
He's going to give me money to cover the mortgage. I have an appointment with the soliciter today at 11, so heave to leave in a minute.

Is this really the end of the line?

I am so devastated I cant tell believe this is happenning to me.

I know he had his faults but I loved him regardless and always thought we'd work everything out in the end. I know all arguements are 50:50, so I have my part in them. Why would he not want to?

He keeps saying he knows it's the right thing to do to leave me.

All I can do is sob my heart out.

It is the end of that relationship - sorry. You will never love him so uncondionally again. He has been so unfair because he has not allowed you to have control over your own life. You will be stronger from now on and that is a good thing.

But allow yourself to grieve for the marriage you thought (and your h lead you to believe) you had.

It is crazy and i do think one day he will 'wake-up' and realise what an arse he has been, but until then you have to carry on and it may be that it will be too late when he does come to his senses.

good luck with the solicitor - i hope you at least feel a bit more in control when you know you will survive this.

I know how you feel WIMH - I've had a really bad few days. I go from wanting H back to never wanting to see him again.

I went out last night, had a couple of drinks and got into a massive row with him when I got back (he was looking after the kids). I ended up lashing out at him again. I realise I have so much rage in me about the way he has left me, the financial position we are in (through his gambling etc) that I can't control it.

I have told him that we both need counselling, individually and together, so we can communicate for the kids sake. All he keeps saying is you do know it's over don't you, we are finished.....

I know I have to just let him go and make a good life for me and the DC. I need to make myself happy and you do too.

He says he knows he's behaved badly the last 2 weeks, and he will talk to me and try to work out contact and money he pays. He says part of him is still the same man, but he knows part of him has changed.

I'm going to try to let him see them when he wants, as I cant be the enemy here, he plays hard ball much better than I have the stomach for. I've invited him round to see them tonight for an hour before bedtime and arranged for him to see them for few hours Bank holiday Monday and cut the grass for me (we have huge garden), before his weekend with them next week.

The good news is that I get legal aid for my solicitor, as my disposable income is £11.61 a week. Gosh - how dire is that? Even the solicitor couldnt believe how little I take home after I've paid childcare for 3 children. She suggested I find out if he wants to issue divorce proceedings.

H says we can issue divorce proceedings in 2 years time on the grounds of separation for 2 years. He has no reason to issue divorce proceedings again me now, except the solicitor said he could exagorate something and use that as grounds for "unreasonable behaviour" as it's all subjective. She said people do lie in divorces.

She said when I am ready I might want to issue divorce proceedings myself on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour (leaving us, shouting, etc.) if we need to get money sorted out earlier, e.g. if he isnt paying us enough - but she cant do anything about maintanence unless we're issuing divorce proceedings. She doesnt think I'm emotionally ready for that yet. So how much money he pays us is all voluntary for him for the time being.

It's funny, I always thought the world was this wonderful magical place and I'm seeing a place that I've never been in before. I hope I can keep happy regardless for the sake of our lovely DC.

I am going to try to keep happy.
I am listenning to you - thank-you MNs- and you're telling me the relationship is over.

I have a big endless heart (it might be a bit broken at the moment) so I do forgive easily if someone says sorry. If you knew me in RL, you'd know how I wear my heart on my sleeve and have a huge number of friends that love me. I dont understand why my H doesnt love me anymore. It's so alien to me.

He says we weren't getting on. But it takes two to argue and he would never change or listen to anyone else's side but his. He said he knew he was driving the arguements as he was unhappy.

I still have PND and I dont understand why he doesnt see that as a factor and it's something you work on together and get better. It's almost as if he thinks that has magically disappeared. He's not thinking these things through.

Why do some men stick in it all, accept that their DWs irritate them sometimes, and just knuckle down and help out. And others like my H disengage and start thinking only about themselves.

It's such a shallow way to live.

all i can say, is that despite what you meant to one another, sometimes, certain men, when under pressure, can't handle it.

They leave. Out of the blue almost. I remember the shock i felt, and like you said, suddenly the world is a whole new different place. It's alien to you.

Mine found someone else within 2 months, whilst i was still crying, and missing him. It really is like another person has inhabited thier body.

It will be along road for you, and you will face countless decisions, and you will be angry one minute, and grieving the next. I still am 4 yrs on, but the day to day life ends up revolving round the kids. I can now take comfort that we did have a child together, becuase she is my life.

Some men ( and women of course)just never take responsibility.

There is a good american site, called Midlife crisis, which was a huge help to me.

x

I'm sorry CT10 that you ended up having a row with H last night. You must be emotionally exhausted. It's very difficult to deal with someone else not being a team player, and if he is gambling and causing you financial difficulties and then talking about it all being over, it's like a long drawn out separation battle. I'm not surprised that you are swinging between wanting him back and wanting him gone.

This relationship stuff isnt easy is it. I wish there was a way of looking ahead and seeing which way it would all definitely go, and what will happen if you do x, y or z, can you make a difference in the outcome. Then we could plan and deal with whatever happens.

PS. My baby is still ill. She's lying on the floor by my feet, just holding my leg, so am gonna pick her up - poor little mite x

Hello WIMH - I have been following your thread but so far have not felt experienced enough to comment. You certainly have received a lot of support and advice here which is wonderful. Your recent posts have compelled me to say a couple of things for what they are worth.

Your solicitor seems to be giving you some sound advice and I am glad that she recognizes that you may not be ready to take any action at this time. That is completely understandable. I am pretty confident that you will be be ready to take some steps in that direction sooner than you think. I have been through divorce myself although I did not have any children to worry about at that time. My ex went from someone I thought I knew very well to a complete stranger whose actions confused and saddened me. The one thing that initiating the divorce did do was empower me and make me feel as though I was getting some control back in my life. I think you will need to do that for yourself sooner than later.

Your H will be compliant and civil as long as he gets to call the shots, and as long as you allow him to do so. When you are ready, you are going to have to start taking control of your situation and setting more limits and boundaries with him as far as you are concerned. Your limits, your boundaries. Make no mistake, that will piss him off and he will act out in anger and likely passive aggressive behaviour. And that is too bad for him. When you are ready, you are going to have to take his feelings and priorities into account less and less. You will need to do it for you, your sanity and the well-being of your children.

Best of luck with everything and I hope you are able to continue to draw strength here.

p.s. 2 years is far too long a wait to move on in your life. But I know you know that.

I am emotionally exhausted WIMH. I've apologised for lashing out at him and said if we are to progress we both need counselling (individually and as a couple). I think it is the only way forward.

I would feel better if DS4 slept - 2.00am and up at 5.30am this morning.

Hope your LO is better soon - it's all too much at times isn't it.

Hi WIMH,

I dont have any words of wisdom to offer I'm afraid, but on a practical note, does your workplace (or better still his - then he can pay!) offer childcare vouchers?

At least then your childcare would be paid direct and it would just be one less thing for you to worry about.

Keep being brave, you're being incredibly strong - you'll get through this.