Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

I might just get the playdoh out myself

whereis - wow I totally understand how you feel - I am going through the same. Interestingly my main aim has been to get him back but have had soem great comments from other MNers re why this is such a bad idea!

Am now going to read the thread thoroughly see if I can add anything (unlikely!) but also to see what advice you have had - thank you for posting this- it may not be just you these guys help so thank you x

First of all, so sorry to hear about what you are all going through. I completely understand your need to pin this on something, but as gently as I can say this, I think there's "an elephant in the room". In my experience, men only behave this way if there is someone else. I do however think that a mid-life crisis or catalytic event (i.e. death of a relative) can spawn affairs and an article I read throughout my own trauma really helped me at the time. Here it is:

www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=1

I'm sorry if I am way off the mark with this; only you know what is happening, but I know some of you have spoken of the need to get angry. You will be bloody furious if you find out that there was another woman all along, but I think you need to know one way or another. Mrs. Lemon is great for snooping tactics - I hope she'll be along soon!

If any of you have a mobile 'phone bill of his lying around and you know what passwords he uses, try registering him for online billing. Mobile 'phones always give them away in the end. Another idea is to somehow part him with his 'phone next time you see him. You can either do this covertly (i.e. invent some excuse for him to stay the night in the spare room and find the 'phone when he's asleep) or ask to borrow his 'phone for some spurious reason - then disappear somewhere you can't be seen and check the log/folders/contact lists and obviously messages sent and received. Watch out for the look of horror on his face regarding the latter ruse though; that could be all the evidence you need....

I really hope you won't take offence at any of this, I really want to help, but I hate people being in the dark and obsessing that they are somehow to blame for all this horror.

By the way, lots of MNetters on here are likely to recognise Spiderwoman in the linked article!!

Yes mobile phones will ALWAYS catch them out! Even if they go and buy a seperate payg one just for the ow and leave it at work/in car..one day they forget and bring it home!

my dh was withdrawn for about 6months, and I am still not totally clear if he met his now wife before he left me.

He got together with her about 2months after he left me.

At the time, the midlife crisis site had a few posters who told me there was nearly always another woman, which i didn't belive. i thought he couldn't have had the time, as we were together alot.

In hindsight I do belive he had met her, if only that thru a friend.

Oh and also, i found a mobile phone bill four months later that had loads of texts to a particular number. It was during the week I had been away with our dd. About 2 weeks before he left. I never found out who it was but there were up to 15 texts a day. He says it was some other 'friend' (female) who was herself married and who he had met on a course he was doing. Apparently he was texting her about our marriage probs. He should have been talking to me hey .

ok its taken forever to read the whole thread- but WOW again - what a relief that I am not the only one.

WIMH - I am probably a week ahead of you in terms of grief process....I recognise what you are saying. I currently feel that I really want the marriage to work out in the end - although last week I hated his guts and was very happy to think I was at last independant and able to do whatver I pleased!

Thank you thank you thank you for this thread - I mean it - its going to be my sanity over this process!

Cto10 and all the others who are goping through the same crap - thank god you are here.

Hope I can offer hugs and support when needed.....x

I dont think its always the case though.

My husband had left his previous wife (they had no children) just purely because they were not getting on and were making each other miserable. Neither were happy, he was just the first to bring it out into the open.

They had a trial separation which then became permanent, followed by an amicable divorce. I met him a few months down the line when he had sorted out his head and was ready to try again with someone new. He'd never been a big serial dater and didnt want to go in for the whole single guy thing (I asked him if he wanted some time out before we got serious to "sow his oats" as it were (he married young) - he didnt,

I think he just married too young, and they both changed too much from the people they had once been.

So in short, I wouldnt be racing to automatically believe there is another woman WIMH - its not necessarily the case.

piratecat I thought the same how could he be seeing someone else when he is with me all the time...but then he would get home later and later with really lame excuses. I was heavily pg/at home with newborn and 2 other dc and it would normally turn into a row. I was starting to think I was going mad as he was always so convincing.

After I found the 2nd phone and he had to use his normal phone to contact her he sent 70 texts in a day!!!Hardly normal behaviour I think!

whenwillifeelnormal, thanks for the link I have had a good read and it was really informative. Lots of that sounds like my h and what he has been doing.

Still here and reading....

Doing OK today, still strangely calm given the circumstance.

Hmmm, another woman?
Cant read his mobile as it's encripted password locked as is work blackberry.
I dont want to know though. That's his life now and his choices and the less i know the better for me. I've been thinking that nothing he does outside of the DC /dealings with me is of any interest to our lives anymore. He's chosen his path and is welcome to it. Idiot. I wouldnt be him for the world.

Where is Mum...I applaud you for this stance, but this information could be crucial to your financial survival and future, especially as the prospect of him with-holding money has already arisen (this was your DH wasn't it?)

Did he always password protect his 'phone, out of interest?

I write that he is an idiot as we werent making each other unhappy, we had a good life. With 3 young children and demanding jobs there was a lot of stress and circumstances that have got involved, but the problem was him suddenly withdrawing and thinking of himself. We didnt have a bad marriage, so no matter what he's saying now or how much he "finds the flaw that was always there", it's not real. I understand that.

I think he will remember that at some point. But who wants someone who is such a FU that he takes a hammer and smashes something into smithereens hurting his adoring wife and 3 young DC, instead of trying to fix it? He would take a risk on us. I can't worry about his life now, he can drink & smoke himself into oblivion without me worrying about him now.

whereis - thats a greast attitude - I'm still feeling sick to my stomach at the thought he might have or will have someone else.

the thought of them sitting round their ILs table - his mum is lovely and i wil miss her .

oh btw - on my thread somone suggested I change my name to something positive so i hjave - i am no longer newly dumped - i am something positive and shiney!!!!

We cross posted!

Yes WWIFN I see what you mean. It might make a difference later on.

The thing is, I have no way of finding out.
It will also come out in the wash later on.
I dont want to be interested in his "new life" as it will just have power over me. I sense that for me, H has to become insignicant to me, just the DC's father and someone I used to know/like when he was different.

No he didnt always password protect his work mobile, it was a recent thing from Nov last year.

He could be having an affair. It could just be him changing. It could be a midlife crisis. He could be having a breakdown. He could just be a selfish shallow man, who always thought more of himself than his family and children. I may never find out and I'm telling myself that I have to be OK with that.

thesilverlining it will just hurt you to know though honey.
It wont be as you imagined, with the IL's looking lovingly at a new OW, they will distrust her/him and wonder sadly what her DS is doing. If they dont as they never liked you", well you're better off without them in your life.

WIMH - He did what!!!! You are well rid. That is appalling behaviour. Ridiculous for a grown man. He's lucky you didnt leave him on the spot. Actually - why didnt you? You sound lovely and deserve better, and your dcs deserve to be in a safe environment. You should recognise this and be very grateful he is gone.

WIMH, You sound so strong now. That is completely the right attitude to have towards him. His life is his to live and you have yours to live. Your future has nothing but positives and his is well, not looking that great right now is it(bit like my h's).

I am also feeling ten times better and looking forward to the weekend with the dc. I am sure I will have more bad days but right now I am enjoying feeling stronger about it all.

I am not suggesting in the slightest that your h does have another woman but mine did do the 'I dont know what I want anymore and what my feelings are towards you' thing (on xmas eve actually-nice!). I had strong gut feelings that there was in fact someone else but only found out as close friends were already aware of it.

seenitdoneit, Was your post meant for what I had said about my h? Been trying to find out what it was that wimh h done in the recent posts and cant see it!

Sorry I meant I know what he has done but inbetween your last post and that post!Probally didnt make that clear.

Hi WDYAT - he took a hammer and smashed up something, hurting WIMH and the dc/dcs. (WIMH's post at 14.38). Charming eh.

Well, you are definitely better off too! xx

Oh no! I didnt mean he took a hammer and actually smashed something!!!!

I meant he felt unhappy with something so instead of trying to fix it and doing what a calm rational man would do, he simply smashed it all up. It was like he didnt want to fix it, it wasnt quite how he wanted it so he smashed it up, like a frustrated little child would do. H walked out on such young children and a caring wife, without a backward glance. It's not a normal thing to do.

(Though having said that he has punched a few holes in doors and stuff, broken things around the house, more with his hands or throwing them. But no hammer!)

Sorry for being ambigious, I gave you all a fright!

I've just re read what I wrote, yup I can see why you thought that. No hammer. No smashing things infront of us. Being clear now. Was being metaphorical before.

He did however smash up his own garage in November and kick the garage door but the kids and I weren't there though - he was drunk and angry. Told you, mostly calm and lovely when we were together, but bit of a temper + he cant control it when drunk.

CT10 and WDYAT / other MNs in same boat,
Well, we're all here together, it's becoming a bit of a lifeline for me. If any of us have a bad day/ or a good day, I can tell you or listen to you. It's nice to have someone who actually cares how you feel isnt it?

CT10 how was the play doh?

I made cards with my friend who came over last night. We're going to do it each Wed eve and sell them at a car boot sale in a few months time. She and her H were made bankrupt a few months ago, so we were both having fun together inventing ways we could do to make some pocket money/ends meet. It was nice to make something without the DCs taking over. Rather than "Knit and Bitch", we're doing "Cards and (something)". Any ideas?

"Cards and Carping"

Haven't had time for the playdoh yet.

Like that!

i find i need to vent and bitch abotu DH otherwise i think about how to get him home again - i think your cards and slagginoff session is excellent idea!!!