Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Its my view that courts go for stablity foremost. I would view this as another mindgame and dont think he has a hope in hells chance! Call the citz advice tomorrow, they might know or will let you know how to find out 4 sure.

DH in his words "doesnt want to read too much into it" but is beginning to miss me . Cheers 4 that, made me feel sooo worthy!

Went shopping today and spoilt myself, not done that 4 years and my shoes were falling apart so i did need them. Felt so much better when he returned the dcs, even if he didnt notice i did!

Have relate this wk and he wants to talk about how we change our relationship. Sounds positive but there just seems to be a blank space where my brain used to be when i try and think. Sorry have rambled off a bit!

Be strong, you have the kids and thats where they will stay.

Just rereading the last page and wishing i could help more. Was where you are last year, so now hes finally left i havent fallen apart, as i did that then. Can joke now but know my sis, mum and friends had my on suicide watch as they all rang atleast once a day and would often pop in.

Was helped enormously by the local health visitor and my dr. Got conected with homestart through them. my volunteer still comes now, dont know what id do without her. You fit all their requirements and they are lovely i would reccomend you ask for help. Do 2moro as all takes a while. But get some outside support as you need to b strong.

Big hugs xxx

oh wmih, he actually wants you to worry about money as well as everything else he's left you with? What on earth is wrong with him? What horrible, cruel behaviour.

You are and will be much better off without him. His demands sound unreasonable, a good friend went through similar with her XH and has finally managed to agree custody terms which aren't disruptive to her dd's. Get a good solicitor and stand your ground.

I bet your mutual friends are horrified by how he's behaving.

Thanks for your suggestions and support.

Yes they are horrified at H. He's lacking a sensitivity chip and any decency. Friends keep telling me he's acting like a bully. One of our (previously) mutual friends is coming round tomorrow night to fit extra locks to the back door so I feel safer.

I guess in a funny way, it helps me deal with the grief of him walking out. It's easy to dislike him as he's being so obnoxious - I've been thinking today "god how on earth did you get me?? What was I thinking for those 14 years??", when yesterday I was grief stricken instead. I am starting to realise that the lovely man I married died some time ago and this selfish man appeared in his place.

I'm starting to think he cant do real relationships as none of this is normal behaviour for a reasonable man. I spoke to the Relate lady about some of the terrible things he had done over recent years in arguements and she was horrified. She said he was very childish. I thought, that's why it feels like I have a teenager in the house sometimes when I'm trying to talk to him about something

Reading your posts today, showed me all these terrible H's think about themselves first dont they?

It's as if they are the centre of the universe and their feelings are the most important in the world and the world owes them. Mums dont think like that, we know we are second to our DC and have to consider other people as we're all in a wonderfully complex patchwork of lives.

Do you think H's that leave their DW & DCs in this way are just inadequate men? Do you think life will ever give them what they think they are owed? Or will they just end up life's failures never content as they dont know when life is good.

I was worried about H having a breakdown of some sort, and today I think, you will get everything you deserve - be sure you want it mate.

Your DH is acting like an aggressive shit head.

Let me get this straight. If you don't agree to destroying the children's routine and stability so soon after their family life has been turned completely upside down because he wants access when it is "convienent" for him, then he is going to stop the money so that the kids can go hungry.

Doesn't he realise that his kids are his financial responsibility whether he sees them or not? He was the one who left after all. Did he not realise that this was going to cut down on time spent with the kids because of the logistics of it all?

Let me tell you something personal. If my DH and I were to split he would probably get the kids and the house. This is because of my job and the fact that not doing things this way would seriously and horribly uproot the kids.

Luckily we get along, because I would hate to be away from my kids. Due to the nature of my job DH is more of a stay at home dad type. I work crazy random hours and make money and he works from home and provides stability. He is great with the kids and they are inseparable.

Say we divorced and he was raising my kids fulltime. Say I was living in a flat somewhere climbing the career ladder and making myself a real nice pension because I had him to look after my kids full time. Meanwhile he is career/pension-screwed for a looooong time because he is looking after 3 kids all the time as a divorced dad.

I would make damn sure he(and kids) were taken care of financially even if I had to live on raman noodles. He would have the say about access and their routines as the full time parent. He would tell me how much money he needed and he would get it no questions asked. It wouldn't matter how badly he pissed me off, or how bitter I was. Unless he suddenly became a crack head, a gambling addict or a violent drunk this is how it is going to be if we have some kind of nasty falling out and divorce.

Raising kids on your own as a single parent is a massive sacrifice that people like your DH will never ever understand.

He has a good job and a pension and everything else because he has you raising his kids for him full time. Am I wrong to say that if you hadn't been raising his kids for 6 years or so that your personal career,financial, and pension situation would not be much better? If you had refused to quit work or go part time to raise the kids and he had to cut back on his job to do it what would his personal money situation be like?

It's his job to take care of you. It is also his job to respect your feelings in regards to the children's routine rather than viewing your point of view as a way to get at him. You are their main carer. My husband is home with the kids more than I am and I always listen (and usually concede) to his point of view about their day to day care and routines, even on days when he gets on my nerves and I cannot stand him!!

Wow, that got really long. Point is that he is being a complete dick, and a selfish one at that. The end.

Thank you pramspotter, I agree.

It helps me to hear how unreasonable he is being. I know it really underneath but I need to keep hearing it.

Please help! Tell me how can I gain control of my life again. My husband of 12 years told me a week ago that he couldn?t take it anymore. He does not want to be with me. We have a 10 year old, a 9 year old, and a 2 year old. My H is 43 and I?m 38. He doesn?t want to tell me when he starting feeling this way, all he tells me is that he put up with a lot of PMS over the years. He said I go from one extreme to the other. The thing is, I cannot say anything bad about him up to now. He supported me and paid for everything, the house, bills, food, and car everything. He got the kids and me anything we ever wanted. He was my everything and I never knew he felt this way about me. Physically, emotionally, and financially he was the best thing that ever happen to me. He said the last couple of years have been a lie. I don?t understand why he continued to make me so happy and then from one day to the other change and be so cold. He said he stayed with me for the kids who he loves very much. He wants to continue to pay for everything and does not want me to move anywhere for the kids. I thought my kids would be destroyed but they seem to be taking this fine. They love their father so much it?s unbelievable. I have no clue what to do. I don?t feel comfortable coming home anymore. I am in shock along with all my friends and family who knows. I though we were the perfect couple and had the perfect family. How terribly wrong was I? I had so much pride in my family and now I feel so ashamed. He wants to be happy for a change and he no longer wants me. It seems like his mind is made up. He keeps telling me to go get counsel. He already had counsel through his job, which I also didn?t know. I always thought my husband was happy with me. I did everything a wife and mother was supposed to do. Yes I did PMS sometimes and I did say things I didn't meant but it never seem to bother him. I feel really stupid to think he really loved me and never in a million years I thought he would ever feel like leaving. Tell me after such a good life and three beautiful kids with him how can I move forward?

Oh Sunshine1970, welcome to my terrible terrible world. You think it happens to other people, not you and your DH. You tihink it';s other men who do this, not the DH that you love and know so well, who would never do this in a million years. It completely destroys you when someone you love and trust so deeply turns on you. It's all about his happiness. When did you last think of whether you were happy without relating any of that to the happiness of your DC and DH?

It sounds like your H has thought it all through and not shared his feelings at all. The fact he's had counselling without you about it, shows how much he's thinking of himself not you and your family. You've been hit by this bombshell and dont know what the hell is going on or why. The basis of a marriage is emotional honesty and if you dont have that, then it's not real anymore. A relationship is only going to work when you both want to be in it. I suspect the PMS thing is a red herring. He will pick anything that he can to try to explain some flaw in you so that he can leave. He simply wants to leave and have a different life. It is an entirely utterly selfish self centred awful thing to do to another human being.

He's changed at some point. He's not the man you fell in love with and love. At some point you will realise that.
It could be a midlife crisis, he's 43 and more and more selfish men do seem to do this. But you have to let him go and you deal with the grief. It will destroy you to hold on to any hope he might change his mind or come back and would push him further away anyway. Let him have his freedom, he may regret it in the future, but you have to get strong and keep going. You dont know what will happen in the future. Just survive the now.

Go to the GPs, talk to them, get some anti-depressants, get your friends and family rallying and call him all the names under the sun. He's not being nice no matter how wonderful you think he is. He may say he'll sort out the money etc nicely and go with that if he does whilst he feels this way. But you might find he does things really out of character.

He's being shallow and selfish, otherwise he would have shared it with you and worked on his marriage. Nothing is unfixable if you both are committed to the relationship, except for DV and an affair, and even the latter some people get over. So what he is doing is jumping ship which is easier for him and destroying the woman who loved him faithfully for 12 or more years and in the process hurting his family.

Thank-you pramspotter I sent H an email saying almost exactly what you said. And told him he needs to discuss what is best for our DC with me and try to put them first.

DC2 (DD) is sleeping every night with me now and even DS got into my bed last night. I'm home with poorly DC3, she has hand foot and mouth disease and cant eat much as her mouth is terribly ulcerated.

I am going to stop talking with H's sister now as she's subtly blaming me and I can detect the shift. She just wants her brother to have his own way. I know she is worried about him, but no one else is thinking about the DC. I did everything before and intend to continue doing the same but with him having the DC regularly but without completing altering their routines. I hope we can reach a compromise but I know I need to stay strong and ignore what he is threatening. What a piece of work he is turning out to be.

He's losing the respect of his children's mother. That doesnt say much does it. He says I am a good mother, so you would think he would listen to me when it comes to the children.

Sunshine and WIMH - thinking of you both. What is it with these men, when they hit their late 30's/early 40's and have young children that they do this - we have to cope, at times we would like things to be different and easier, other people/couple cope and get through these tough years.

My H doesn't really know what planet he's on or what he wants. He says he feels almost "schizophrenic" at times and he blames me for a lot of things.

As WIMH says, we have just got to get on with things, cope and do the best we can. I'm going out with a girlfriend tonight and he is looking after the kids - I don't see why he should be able to have his "freedom" while I sit in every time looking after his children and I have told him this. And he keeps asking where I am going and who with and admits he has no rights to ask or know .

Take care all of you - us dumped wives have to stick together !!!!!

What a thread this is turning out to be!

BTW WIMH - I'm just down the A27 from you - sending good vibes to you

WIMH - well done you!!

At first I was going to say, let him have the access that he wants - because I don't think he can keep it up!!! They are unable (unwilling) to see how difficult it will actually be. Then he will prove himself to be unreliable and unable to keep to arrangements you have made - which would all help in court.

HOWEVER when I got to the bit where he said if you don't do as he wants he will withold money so you can worry about it... that all changed!!!

Well done for getting the locks too - he needs to realise it's no longer his HOME and he CANNOT waltz in and out as he pleases.

He will have to pay (financially) whether he likes it or not, it's not his bloody choice and the prat needs that explaining to him!!! Pramspotter has already detailed that quite nicely!!

I'm glad you are seeing him for what he is and are getting angry - it does help!! It wont stop you being upset for the relationship you thought you had and the future you thought you had - but it will help you to keep it all together!!

WIMH - I have been lurking on your threa and just wanted to say how dignified your behaviour is in the face of your awful H.

How do you stand financially in the short-term if H is threatening to withhold maintenance? Can you survive week to week at the moment?

If you've not done already set up a bank account in your name only and make sure any payments such as CHild Benefit and CHildrens Tax Credit etc are being paid into that account. Have you contacted CSA about maintenance? If he's the sort to play games with you rather than being stand-up and reasonable about discussing maintenance payments CSA will be the better way to go for you.

Sounds like your SIL is not being terribly supportive. What about your PIL? What do they think about what is going on??

Keep holding your head high!!!

Hi, I;ve set up my own bank acc, changed the CHB and will put CTC through it. And have also arranged that my wages go there next month, but missed this month.

You will never believe what he has done today. He told me this morning he has stopped his wages going into our account and that "i can worry about the mortgage and eveyrthing myself and he'll pay me what he wants when he wants". He has also put a load of expenses through that he can later claim back and will go straight to him. He's borrowing off his own children and wife and has no intention of paying it back !!!

I cannot believe he has behaved like this.
I cannot see how he thinks he is being reasonable at all.
I am damn well told the DC. It's not like me, but I've told them daddy's not paying us any money or paying the mortgage so we cant spend any money this month and we have to eat what is in the cupboard.

Am seeing solicitor on Weds.
He really didnt have to be like this. I am so incredibly shocked at him. He's showing me his real character and it's ugly.

Everyone is shocked at him. I'm telling people now as I cant see anyway to keep dealing with him.

WIMH, I'm sure there was a thread in Legal section about a father/husband withholding money/mortgage and judges taking a very dim view of it.

Will try and find and link.

He really does sound like a selfish wanker.

Have you contacted your mortgage provider? They might be able to give you a payment holiday for a couple of months.

Great that you are seeing your solicitor. A strongly worded letter might be the kick up the arse he needs.

Stay strong, you are doing really well.

WIMH I am absolutely floored

What is wrong with this man? Pushing for access but is happy to see his children starve because he sees fit to pick and choose when to pay maintenance???

Your solicitors meeting cannot come soon enough. I hope you have a ballsy lawyer!!

What a pathetic excuse for a man. Whatever feelings of love you might still have for him will be gone rapidly. There is no coming back from this kind of low behaviour.

Keep records of what you offered him as far as access etc and written records of how it benefits the kids routines. Have you got any text messages off of him? Where is has threatened you about witholding money? Keep all texts etc.

The judge is going to just love him to bits. Ha ha.

Remember that this dickhead ass twat wants any excuse he can get to refuse paying maintenance. If he wasn't using the issues with access as an excuse to "punish" you than he would be using something else.

I hope someday when he is sad and lonely you can show him this thread.

Also prepare for the kids becoming unsettled by all of this. When they are with him they may very well kick off. He will blame you for this and say that you are turning them against him. Then he'll use that as an excuse to not want to pay child support. Men like him believe their own bullshit as well.

I would tell him that the kids do not need to be told anything about their father's behaviour. Unless they are totally retarded they will realise that he is a twat all by themselves without anyone "influencing" them.

My mother never said a bad word about my dad after he abandoned us and took all the money. We got thrown out of our house and everything. Yet, my mother never said a negative word about him because she didn't want to screw us up. She actually made excuses for him and encouraged us to love him.

As soon as we were old enough to make our own conclusions we realised that mum was a saint and any man who walks out on his family for any reason is a complete and utter fucktard.

I sound really anti- men here. Let me just say that I know that women pull this crap as well. My cousin's wife walked out on him and their 3 little babies. She won't see the kids or pay child support. He had to give up his job etc. She met someone else and that was it.

"I am damn well told the DC. It's not like me, but I've told them daddy's not paying us any money or paying the mortgage so we cant spend any money this month and we have to eat what is in the cupboard."

WIMH I hear you. I know where you're coming from but please try as much as possible not to say things like this to the children as it will only increase their anxiety about an already frightening and confusing situation.

He is an arse, though. Make no mistake.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. My heart goes out to all of us suffering. Everyone stories encourages me somehow. This is definitely one of the worst things any woman can go through. What hurts me the most knows that he might find himself some else to love and
he would probably forget about my kids in the long run. It hurts me to know that the man I love so much can pick up and find a whole new life just like that. He left today for 40 days for his job which he asked for. He said it?s better for everyone. However this last week was hell for me. Seeing him so full of energy and happy. He was singing and going about his new life just fine. No remorse what so ever. It even hurt me to see my children so happy with him. He was getting ready to leave so he wanted to buy them things, take them out to eat, and fill up our cupboard, etc. He didn?t take the baby though because according to him it too much for him. He even wanted to take me along to dinner with the kids. I don?t know what he is thinking. I decided to spend that evening at the mall with my baby. I felt out of place there but it did keep me busy and not crying. My H did surprise the heck out of me. He even wanted to tell the children it was my fought for him leaving me. I am glad I put a stop to that and my children know that I was completely open to fixing anything. My daughter even wrote him a letter begging him not to leave the family. He just told her that he didn?t want to lose the family but he had to leave and also told her that sometimes people fall out and in of love. How untrue statement that is, because I continue to love him as always. I do sometimes blame myself for my PMS and outbreaks but how was I to know that he felt the way he did without him telling me or warning me of how he was beginning to feel. He always ignored me and put on ?an I don?t care face?. Perhaps if he would have talked to me instead of his mom I would have been able to control myself. I am so angry at his mom for not warning me about his feelings. She had known for over a year that he was thinking of divorcing me. The idiot of me never realized it. In fact a couple people in his family already knew what he was planning. I did pick up the vive of his mother not liking me but my husband I thought would love me forever. I knew he would talk to his mother every day on his two hour ride home and it never bother me or cross my mind that these type of conversation were going on. He tells me that she did not want this to happen for the kids? sake but I feel she could have warn me somehow without breaking their precious ritual. I am so mad at his family who knew me for 12 years who I thought loved me so much and now don?t even pick up the phone to see how I am doing. I feel so lost. I dedicated myself to my husband, children, and his family for what. Also, they are planning a party at my house for one of his nieces who will be graduating for college. Please tell me I am not wrong for not wanting this right now. I cannot bear face anyone in his family right now especially those who have not even call me. What I?m I suppose to do. Put on a happy face when I?m not. Also I do not feel comfortable going to his sister?s wedding in Dec. in another state. My kids were supposed to come out in the wedding party. No plans have been made yet but it was in the works in the near future. What I?m I suppose to do. He tells me that I should attend because I knew her for 12 years. The thing is I cannot see myself in the same room with him anymore, especially if he does find happiness as a single man. It would tear me apart. I would probably start crying and all. Please someone tell me what I should do in this case. Should I miss my 1st Christmas and New Years without my kids or should I let him them take them to his sister?s wedding? It?s so unfair to the children to be put in this situation when all they knew was togetherness and happiness. At least that?s what my children and I thought.