Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Ah, yes Eve, he's a bit too impulsive for his own good- doesnt see the bigger picture. Tho I imagine he'll go straight to the shops (tho it's 9.15am so some wont be open yet) to buy another pushchair- one that is "cool" enough for him!!! If he wants to waste £50 of his money, he is welcome to!

I dont think he has any idea how much money the solicitors & mediation are going to cost him. Am hoping I get legal aid for mediation too as that would be sweet! I think he could run up thousands of pounds of legal fees without realising it.

Serves him right for being an idiot. If he were nicer and more reasonable then we could deal with things so much easier, less stressful and cheaper all round. But - hey ho- not my concern, he is reaping what he sows!!

Cool, I'll text you a bit later. xx

Oooh, just looked on parentsalready to see if it was worth joining at some point in the future, as my friend (tossfriend's wife) met her lovely boyfriend on there. He's much better than tossfriend ever was, better looking and kinder. She's very happy with him.

Jumping a bit ahead of myself, but starting to feel H is such a changed man that I am glad he is out of my life. Also thinking that when things settle for me, I'd like to see if there is anyone else out there that would suit the DCs and I better.

Probably racing ahead of myself. But I'm not one for jumping into things fully, I like to dip my toe and think about it....!!!

morning all, one handed typing again as i'm feeding ds2(it's the only time i get to mn!)

wimh and eve - hope you get to the beach tomorrow - it really helps when the sun is shining, makes all the crap a little more positive.

I'm still feeling strangely ok this morning. I'm sure I've got to crash at some point but just riding the ok feeling for the time being. H has taken ds1 out shopping for his birthday today and his mother arrives later. h'es still staying with a friend so I have to do the entertaining for the next couple of days. we'll see how that goes.

wimh - you're doing brilliantly - just compare your op with where you are now. your h is being such a tosser but as you say it won't last. I think these 'men' just get bored and if the situation doesn't suit them then off they go. lets hope there are decent men out there - at this stage my hopes aren't high but there is no way my life is over. I think we're the same age wimh (38?) - let's have fabulously sorted lives by our fortieth birthdays!

Hi Mavis glad you're feeling ok. Somehow in the midst of all the heartache, there's a sense of relief when you've been having arguements and you suddenly have peace and quiet.

It does help if H behave really badly as it makes you see that they really arent good enough for you. The more tey just cut off, though it's harder in the beginning as you dont understand to start off with, it somehow makes it easier to think about a future without them and moving on. Because what you had (old H) simply doesnt exist anymore. And you dont like the "new disimproved H". My H is probably doing everything he possibly can to make me see him for the warped terrible excuse for a human being that he is. I wonder how he covered it up for so long. He really has nothing to recommend him.

It's harder when the Hs are confused and come and go more, like some of the other MNs Hs are. As it's holding onto hope that slowly gets you. I imagine it's worth it, if the Hs do sort themselves out and return to the men they were, that your relationship is better as a result. But boy, not easy getting through the days not knowing.

I cant see how things would ever ever ever work out between my H and I. I wouldnt ever want him in my life, not as a partner and never ever as a friend again. I have much better choice in friends!!! 21 years we've been friends and I had no idea he was such a selfish controlling shit. He's not good enough for me or good enough for my DC.

Unfortunately it's not up to us mums to decide who the father of our DCs are once they're here, so I'm stuck with him in a small way staying in my life. All I can do is support the DC, ensure H is able to see them regularly as his dad and trust that the DC will be able to make their own minds up about their Dad as they grow up. I hope none of them take after him as he is seriously fucked up and flawed.

I confess I do resent the influence he might have on them, given how awful a human being he is showing himself to truly be. But then, that's to me, hoping he isnt behaving the same to them. They have told me he has said a few terrible things to them, so I hope that stops soon. Nasty piece of work.

I've decided I'm rarely going to ring my SIL anymore as some of the things she says are clearly from another agenda, and I think she has invented a few things, so I'm not sure about her anymore. Some of it seems to be about my "understanding" H so that I feel sorry for him (!!!!???)) . She still thinks he's an idiot for leaving and that he didnt need to do any of this.

But it's his problem now. He will have to make his own effort with the DC and will soon get fed up. I wonder how long he will be able to keep it up, I get more of a rest now than I ever did.

He looks so ugly to me now, I cant see what I ever saw in him at all. I'm quite pretty, warm and kind, and I have found out how many friends I have down here and how few he has.

Back again now. No one else around today?
Had an OK day. Am doing OK. Spoke with H earlier, as problems with DC. (DD2 came home "starving" again, as "daddy didnt feed her" I think she might be playing us up, as DS1 tells me he did check she had eaten enough - apparently they had salmon, prawns and macaroni cheese for tea !! - and H spoke to her as well on the phone and I heard him remind her he had checked she had eaten enough. Will leave it up to him to sort out with her, as clearly they have an issue).

But also DC3 baby had new big bump and bruise on her forehead, but H didnt recall her banging her head anytime except for "maybe at 3.30 when she fell off a step". At least he's able to talk normally with me now, rather than go off the deep end, as he is realising I'm not accusing him of anything but just wanting to know what happenned and when, so i can keep eye on DCs if need be afterwards.

Anyway, talking to him when he is normal, reminds me who he used to be. Then I get this pang of sadness that he cant be like that all the time. It's almost as if he's two different people. Gonna try and remind myself all the horrible things he has done since to remind me how appalling he is underneath. It's hard to do this isnt it?
The everything has changed but nothing has changed (when you're talking normally).

What am I supposed to do as the abandonned wife? The DCs were talking about meeting tossfriends new girlfriend (the one he left his wife for, over a year 1/2 ago) and how she seemed nice and daddy gave her a hug.

It makes me mad as H is being such a hypocrite as he was so scathing of her before. But also, it reminds me that H will soon, if he hasnt already, get a new girlfriend and want to bring them into my DCs life. I dont want to have to cross that bridge. I want him to stay on his own forever more and be sad and lonely. Not being reasonable am I?

so sorry to hear whats happened. ~I havebeen though the same and its horrible. ?You will get through this.. for your kids if nothing else. You are not alone ,, it is happening all the time. I was in bits when my ex left, I couldnt eat,, sleep and lost about a stone during the next two months. People in happy relationships dont know how lucky they are. I am in one now but it bloody hurts when the father of your kids buggers off. I wish you well and lots of hugs, hugs, hugs. /Keep strong and see your friends as much as possible. Remember....NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER AND ONE DAY YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN. lots of love and support here. !! xx

WIMH - Sounds like you have had a bit of a tough day? It is so hard, we just want the happy H back that we were in love with and had a family with. I hate the thought that he has seen me at my most vulnerable and now has just pissed all over me (sorry for swearing)
He was/is my world and he doesn't give two hoots about me and DS he has gone off and done his own thing without a care for me and what I am up too.
Do I really want this man in my life? We have had some very tough times, his parenting is not like mine, he shouts and swears talks to be like crap, does nothing around the house and goes off and does his own thing most of the time, so why am I fighting for this rubbish relationship because I was ready to walk last year.
I try to hang on to the fact that he put him self before his son, and for me that is unforgivable. It still hurts.
Well done you for having a look at the website, I have had a little look too. So watch this space,we night get the man we deserve rather than these waste of space people we call H. x

Hi all, a few tough days been going on again. I did ring h the other night, felt very pleased with self 4 being assertive!

Realise am still in danger of being a doormat where hes concerned but battling that one.

Spent last 2 days feeling so sad, even had a little cry. Went 2 best friends wedding all doled up and felt grt but surrounded by love. Held it together but hangover next day mixed with a v dark depression, even felt sad today when buying new bras - atleast the lady in debenhams liked them, noone else will see them at this rate!!!!

WIMH - have a plan, post poo through letterbox or wasps or maybe not! But plotting when angry might lighten the mood!

Poor dcs theyre having such a hard time, birthdays mucked about etc its just not fair. Dc2 sobbing when daddy goes home, dc3 teething and dc1 joining in i put all 2 bed early tonight and just sat trying to assemble my thoughts, no easy task. Why do i rely so much on him? why do i want him back? Havent really seen the changes i was hoping for, says he misses us, me etc but not really banging door down! Dont know if i have the strength to hold out 4 what i want, need counselling, relate keeps cancelling and moving appts. Hes taking all 3 dcs to his mums thurs-sat, 3hrs drive away and has said twice im welcome but have refused, have made lots of girl plans and not cancelling, but dont want him to miss out on kids overnight, out of thier home. Very selfish i know but he needs to take a bit more responsibility without me bailing him out constantly, i dont know maybe thats wrong?

Mavis, hi and so sad to hear from you, you sound like youre on autopilot at the mo, hope/wish that youre hvisitor is as grt as mine was, just say yes to all offers of support even if it arrives when youre on a good day, theyll b there then on a not so grt day and so will we (if i can get my bloody computer 2 work!)

Take care all x

Hi ladies,

Just wanted to update you all. DH came back yesterday! He said that although there has ben no lightbulb moment for him where he realised that leaving was wrong, he said he knew that a lot of our problems were down to external influences and that he would regret it forever if he didn't come back and work on fixing things. He said that I was right all along that we should be joining together to beat our difficulties, it just took him longer to realise.

I spelled out what I needed from him in terms of behaiours that were leading me to nag in the first place and he agreed with what I said.

We had a lovely evening yesterday where he bought me wine & chocs and was very attentive. We have all just been in the garden today enjoying the sunshine and each others company as it felt a little awkward at times. Suppose that is only normal as he has been away for nearly a week.

I still feel insecure though as I still feel upset that he left. But I suppose that is normal too and I have to practice what I preach and try & forget it.

I would love to stay on this thread if thats okay? So I can find out how you all are. You have all been great and this thread has given me a real feeling of companionship over the past few days amongst women who were going through the same emotions as myself.

I really do hope that you are having a better day WIMH. You have amazed me with your strength of mind over the past few days. Eve - keep on going, you said you have nothing without him but you do, you have your DS and sound like a lovng person wanting to do right by her family. Mavis - again, I second your hope for a fabulously sorted life by your 40th birthday.

IWMI - Can understand that the wedding must have been hard. You know that you are wearing nice undies tho - and you never know who you are going to meet and when .

All others too - keep swimming.

xxx

Oh, I also wanted to say that I am also aware that this could go belly up too. I'm not expecting it to all just be better and am aware that it still may not work, but I have to try, yes?

xxx

Semper - that is great news, just take each day as it comes. I hope that you get the loving husband and father you deserve. I have everything crossed for you

IWMI - glad you have a girly weekend planned, sounds great. Sorry you have had a tough couple of days.it is so confusing, we want what we had, but remember the sad times and wonder why we want these men back....

WIMH - Good to see you today, we had a wonderful time and sorry I waffled on about H.

Mavis - how are you to day?

As for me, I am no further forward, DP went off all dressed up Sat night,fishing with no fishing stuff sun, and working today, but when asked on the hop was swimming and seeing a friends.....

then I get a text saying he is missing us, and wants us to go out one night this week. When put on the spot, can't do wed working late tomorrow.....

Grrrrrr just going to have to bite the bullet and ask if he is seeing his 'friend' I am trying to give him time and space,but my mind is thinking the worst of him all the time and the longer he is not here the more resentful of him I get.

Semper Hooray!! Am so delighted for you, that is just such wonderful news. Really hope things go OK, at least he has come home to work on it together with you. Brilliant xxxxxx

IWMI Mavis hi - hope you are both hanging in there. Dont forget we're all here together xxx Good to start finding your feet, as you have to start thinking about you first and foremost. I wish I had understood that earlier, but I do now. It does help. If you can do things that make you happy, then DCs benefit too. xxxx Hee hee liked the ideas of things to do when you're angry , perhaps we could write a list together (not that I'd do anything but nice to dream..!)

Eve- great to see you today (Eve and I found out we live in the same town and went to the beach with our DCs today!! Built sandcastles, water forts and pretty much chilled out whilst baby ate the sand and our kids rumbled round together! we were all wellied up ready for rainy day on beach and glorious sun came out . Had such a lovely day!). PS you didnt go on about H, you & J were delightful company xxxx

Good luck semper and stay strong, hope it goes well!

Eve - is he just taking the piss? Do you need to spell out what you expect and dont? I had to point out that his "friend" was no friend of mine or therefore ours (twice!). Relate put it better she told me that a relationship/friendship where one of the couple is excluded is an affair! H finally gave it up then.
R u going to counselling?

He came over sun for kids, told me we would talk but i have to ask again!

Christ sometimes i think i've married a lump of wood!

Semper - yes of course you need to try and to give it your best shot xxxx

Also much better 2day, went out on my dads boat with boys and mum had baby - just cant understand why every adventure with my dad has to include a near death experiance!

But all had a grt time and baby so happy to see us all she could stop waving, does make me feel so lucky - blessings to count etc! H is a sunlover but had to stay in all day as burnt yest, or so he says, hee hee!

Eve and WIMH glad you had a good time at the beach, the little things are so special when the dcs are small arent they.

IWMI - I am thinking he thinks I am a bit thick. We will see, he is here tomorrow to put DS to bed. I am trying to get a baby sitter for Thursday so think I will wait til then to talk to him, he is off to his mum's Fri and his dad wants to have a chat with him. Feel like I am being taken for a fool.

Eve - know that feeling, infact commiserated with him 4 marrying such an idiot in our one and only row b4 he left!

But your not, remember that and taking the initiative and confronting him will re address the power (yes realise i need to take my own advice, but am a wimp!)

H also here 2moro to but kids 2 bed and have a chat - will log on after and swap notes!

Quick question to all any advice on how i tell him i need some loving feelings and actions without coming across as needy and desperate? Am not when on own but with him i just want to beg, need to be able to stay in control a bit more.

Wear your best under wear, clothes you know you look good in, make up etc etc. Be sexy be confident and see him fall to his knees. I have got H on and back foot on that front, but he doesn't want to confuse sex for love.....doesn't bloody stop him trying though.

Been doing that but no reaction at all!

Wood...

Good luck girls with your dastardly knock'em dead plans. I always go for the wearing matching underwear under my cool jeans and a top that fits nicely. Oh and heels so that I wiggle a bit.

Not that I am putting any of that effort H's way, he's off my radar, but funnily enough I'm dressing up for work and when I go out a bit more. Have a girls night out in 2 weeks, with friends, plan to have a couple drinks and good boogie. Think about whether I might try a date or two.... Bit quick really but there's probably no harm in having a bit of innocent fun (no late night cups of coffee if you see what I mean...!)

I can't believe I'm even thinking it, but it shows that I'm seeing me as an individual who's no longer under H's control. Oooh it's like being back at university again...!

Been reading but not posting, this is moving so quick now that I am struggling to remember who has done what!!

Semper good luck with your H hope it works out for you both.

WIMH, Your sounding so much stronger now. You have moved forward so much well done you! Hope you have fun on your girls night out. I have had a few nights out now with friends and have had so much fun. Not done anything with anyone but had some male attention which has been nice .

IWMI, Its hard not to say all them things to your h when thats the way you feel as you just want them to know dont you.

Well I had my solicitors appointment and seeing as my h has not even acknowledged any of the letters he has recieved now have to divorce on unreasonable behaviour. Felt like she was twisting things I was saying to get something on him iykwim. We will see if he buries his head in the sand when he gets the petition just glad I get to see it first. Hope my solicitor pulls her finger out and gets it done this week.

Things have been fairly strained between us the last few days with him putting phone down on me etc when I rang to see how kids were(it was his weekend). He wanted his 'week' to think then told me half way through that he was still in contact and seeing the ow. He wanted no contact with either of us, not quite so simple when you have 3 dc but he didnt see it that way. He rang last night and told me today is 'd-day' and laughed? Things were left just that he would ring me today. To be honest I am so fed up of all the dithering and dont see the point in any of it, he has had 5 months to think about things and done nothing. Just when I think I am getting on with things up he pops with things like 'give me a week'.

I am pretty certain that the outcome of it will be the ow (or yet more dithering!) and although I dont want to accept him being with her I dont think I could have him back now. I have read the texts he was sending her and its just too much to get my head round (him saying how it feels so right with her and dont WANT to stop it all). Too much time has passed with no positive actions from him I am getting out and about and having fun. Life looks brighter, sure I still have bad days but I dont think I miss him as a person its just the having someone there.

wDYAT - understand just how you feel, although onyl been 5/6 weeks for me, it is a simple decision if you ask me your family and some hard work, or your bit of skirt and little contact with your children.

I don't see it as a hard decision, but they want their cake and eat it.

I have decided today - so far that I will talk to him this week, he is with his dad at the weekend and then tell him next week that I have moved on emotionally. I don't want someone iin my life who othinkns they can treat me like this. I deserve more.

WIMH - you go girl. Let your hair down and see what happens.

IWMI - ok how about just out of the shower with just a towel wrapped round you????

forgot to say ouchy ouchy sun burn.....

Hello all, quick update from me - just put ds2 down and I don't think he'll stay down so will respond to everyone later if you don't mind!

DS's 3rd birthday yesterday which was nice. Had MIL up to stay so myself and H managed to get a little bit of time together to talk. We're going to go to Relate although I think it will be able to help us split amicably rather than for reconciliation. I've told him that I just don't trust him to not do this again, and we both agree that if there is any chance of us being together there is loads of work to do. If I'm honest, the more I think about our relationship the less I think we can ever make it work.

I told my parents over the weekend and they were lovely and extremely supportive. H is still coming over to do bed times and breakfasts and so it doesn't really feel like he's moved out. He's away for work for six weeks soon so I think I'll be able to get into my single person stride then. Until then it all feels a bit unreal still.

anyway, I hope everyone is doing ok - I will go and catch up on the thread now and hopefully ds2 will stay asleep - I've not been able to get him down before 10pm the last few nights - I'd forgotten about the 'just how do you get a baby to go to sleep?' thing!