Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Arrrgh - so annoyed for you Eve.

The ups & downs must be driving you batty. I have read through and from what I understand it he is saying that he wants to give it a go but seems reluctant to actually do so? Sorry if I have got that wrong?

Did he say where he is going? So sad for you. I can imagine how I would feel if I were you. Would want to question it but so scared to rock the boat in case he says you know what, I don't want to give it a go anymore. So sad, that we are so scared like this.

I am not saying you are wrong by the way as I would be exactly the same. Its so hard.

Am getting a bit annoyed with my situation today. Feel like a fool for hanging around but too scared to go runing back up to the north east in case staying here would be better for us to get back together. I feel so stupid.

Semper - good to hear from you, don't rush a decision about moving just yet - you are in MOD Accommodation? you have 3 months? I think.

These men are just wimps.

Just looked in the garage - H was meant to be fishing tomorrow - funny that as all his fishing stuff is in the garage.

So I guess he has gone off to his new friends for the night? Just want to cry, why can't he give us another go? or push off.

Yes am in glorious MOD accomodation! I know I have 3 months but am struggling with the thought of being on my own when I have friends & family up north that I can rely on.

My Mam & Dad are going tomorrow so am probably gonna feel a big low tomorrow night.

I am staying in the hope that it has only been a week but don't want to stay for th full 3 months if it doesn't work out as I know nobody around here. My DH is on an e posting which means he is separated from his battalion so none of the wives talk to each other round here and there are none of the baby & toddler groups ususally associated with army estates. Its the thought of endless days & nights on my own that makes me want to get on that train!

Is his 'new friend' the friend he refers to whom he says he has met but nothing physicalis happening? Or have I read it wrong?

What is happening at the moment, does he ring and say he wants to visit and then doesn't plan another? That would wind me up big style about the fishing stuff, in fact I wold have to call him on it but then I am a nagging harridan type - thats why he has left me. Sarcastic

Not funny I know but I have to laugh at myself at the moment otherwise I may just go loopy!

Can understand you wanting to be near your family, it did cross my mins at the start, and I din't know now if I will stay here.

Maybe if you are having to move out anyway, it is best to go where you know you have the support.

The endless evenings are painful aren't they.

Yes 'friend' is the text's I found, and it wasn't what I think. I am tempting to pull him up on the fishing things, but he will just deny it so what is the point.

I am slowly relaising that he is playing me for a fool. I have nothing without him.

Hello Eve and Semper
Bit annoying, wish your H would be clear with you what they are actually doing. Sorry if you are having trouble, it's the not knowing that

Luckily I know my H is being an arse. He excelled himself this evening. He is renting a house literally a street away, but wont tell me his address but kids told me. I asked him to think about whether it really was a good plan to live in the same town as me- or could he give it some thought about maybe moving a few towns away to give me a bit of space so I wont feel that I'll be bumping into him.
I got, I'll live where I like, you have to make your own decision (ie. he doesnt work here, I do, kids go to school here, but he's trying to force me to move to get some space from him!!! ARGHHHH)

I had texted him to to help me restart the lawnmover after he dropped kids off (petrol hard to start one, we have huge garden, obviously not for much longer mind...) and he said he would - but then I saw him drive off with his roof down on the car. I rang him to say, but I thought you were going to help me... and he said, "I've showered now and I'm not coming over to do the lawnmover as I have better things to do..." Seriously as all he had to do was pull the cord for me as it was stuck, I had done most of the rest of the lawn myself and it wasnt a dirty job. A 2 seconds job.

Clearly being a tosser takes up an inordinate amount of his time and effort. I really hope he gets the clap.

DD2 told me that he whispered to her today that "mummy is a liar because blah blah blah" (I can assure you I'm not a liar and have not been bringing DC into anything) and he also told the DC that he was going to turn up to her birthday party in a few weeks time as he was trying to find out what we had arranged and DD let it slip (that's kids for you) - But it is just after school so he would never have have come before as he is at work and a day he never is able to leave early on, AND I've paid for and arranged it on my own- and I deliberately didnt tell or invite him to it.

It's a play place so I guess he could turn up tho not sure the place would let him in without any DCs. Anyway, why spoil it for us, he has her the day before her birthday and DD2 said she wanted a separate party with daddy, so had asked him to take them out for a special meal together. I'm hoping he doesnt know the time. It seems very controlling as he is just threatenning to crash our arrangements, how awkward would that be? It would be different if he was a nice character and it was an amicable split as you'd like to think you could do that kind of thing together politely, but he isnt and it's not.

Evening ladies, another one here in the same boat.

H came home on Thursday announcing we should split. Our dc's are 3 and 8 weeks. Same story, I didn't see it coming and a decision has been presented to me. I know the boys and I will be ok in the long term but I can't even bring myself to tell my parents yet. I really don't want to be single with 2 children at 38.

He's staying with a friend for a couple of days but is just there in the evenngs as he's been hanging out here all day. I took the boys out as I'm finding it hard to be near him but not with him IYSWIM.

It's just shit isn't it?

WIMH - so sorry he is being a shit, I hope he doesn't spoil your daughter? birthday. He sounds such a shit, I am sorry he isn't the man you loved, it is so hard to see them change.

Bet my H is all sweetness and light with his new friend - like he was with me - he will show his true colours.

Mavis so sorry you have joined us. it is so painful and the grief is unbearable in the first few days, keep taking each hour as it comes. Look after yourself and don't beat yourself up.

Is it OK to wish that your (to be ex) H got posted by his work to somewhere far flung and perhaps a bit mosquito infested?

I know it is unlikely to happen -given he works for M&S headquarters - but i was thinking of adding it to my prayers. Dont know if God would think it was a nice prayer though.

I have started to wish that something would happen, not something awful, but somehow he left me a bit more alone.

Mavis so sorry you joined us. YOur children as so young, 8 weeks??? What is wrong with the man?? What is wrong with these H???? Are you OK? Would your parents be supportive? If they would please please ring them, or ring someone to come round an

Eve - sorry I cross posted with both of you. I hope so too, as that would just be awful for him to spoil her birthday. Yes, it is so confusing that he's changed. Do you really think your H is out with his "new friend" this weekend? Does he not have any fishing gear elsewhere? Pretty rubbish cover to use if he just left it all behind. Your comment about true colours is true. I hope yours isnt really messing you around.

I really don't know, yet again, he has gone off, no text or anything, I am not making the first move again. I will wait to hear from him as painful as it is.

Just had MIL on phone, she is going to call him tomorrow and see 'what he is up too' Best just to leave it a lone. He is in Notts next weekend, so they are going to talk to him, I told her it isn't anything that hasn't already been said.

I feel in my gut that it is completely over, as much as it breaks my heart, I just don't know how I will get on without him.

WISM if your children are with their dad again next weekend I have a DS free weekend too, if you fancy catching up?

Hi Mavis - welcome. So wish you didn't have to join us posting about the basta*rds we seem to have married. Think I am starting to get to the angry stage so excuse the swearing - I am not normally so expletive. I am at the nearly a week stage and have cried, cried, cried, hardly eaten, smoked far too many cigarettes (despite giving up) and seem to change from one mood to another in rapid succession. Keep posting. Have you friends around who can help out seeing as you don't want to tell your parents?

Eve - you do have a life without him - you have your ds. I am so sorry he seems to be toing & froing like he is. I don't know if thats worse to be honest, to see that glimmer of hope, then for him to still not know what he wants.

DH has been away for nearly a week, needing space and whilst I respect that we have had a hard time and this may do us good, I am also angry as I know that no matter what (excluding infidelity) that I would never leave him for that amount of time while I thought about what I wanted.

I know its only a week but I feel like screaming, how much longer do you need to decide if you want to be married to me or not? Am I that unlovable? I think I am being unreasonable in thinking this so have not voiced it to dh - just venting on here. Am still hoping it turns out the way I want and we are together working on our problems.

WIMH - he is definitely being a prize knobjo*key (there I go with the swearing again - so sorry). He has no right to crash your plans for dds birthday. It would be wrong to deny him the opportunity to celebrate her birthday with her but you aren't doing that. DD has said she would like to go for a special dinner with him so why cam't he just do that without sabotaging your plans. Has he not thought of your DD in all this? That it would be hard for her to have him just turn up at a party and for him to make her Mum uncomfortable? Selfish selfish man.

The mind boggles with the lawnmower thing. Is he trying to prove a point? Am .

WIMH - it's the MN thread you don't want to join isn't it!

I had been following your story before it all happened here and I am taking inspiration in how far you've come in such a short time - much lol at the likelihood of your H been posted somewhere mosquito infested when he works for M&S.

I really don't know how my parents are going to react - I strongly suspect that they will be supportive and (obviously) hugely critical of H however I don't think I want to hear a tirade against him just yet. He was always a bit of a wild card in my parents eyes and I think it could easily turn into an 'I told you so' type of thing. I've spoken to my sister and I have a really good support network of friends. I suppose I feel like this is a failure on my part even though he's taking responsibility for it. At least my dc's are too small to initially be really badly effected.

I'm currently at the stage where I'm convinced he's having some mid-life crisis - sure things weren't great but they were no worse than a lot of my friends marriages. However if he's made his decision then I suppose I have to move on. And that's hard.

Semper - thanks for the welcome. I've told a couple of friends but haven't spoken to many yet as it's ds1 3rd birthday next week and H is coming to the party. It will just be easier if people don't know yet. I do have my MIL arriving tnorrow who knows about the situation and who isn't best pleased with her son.

It's a bit weird, I haven't really cried at all - I think I must be in shock. I just keep thinking of practicalities with an occasional "what the hell am I going to do moment". shock or denial.

and 'scuse crap typing ds2 will not go to sleep and is still sat on my lap. what shit timing my H has.

Oh Mavis - 8 weeks, I know there is no right time to leave someone but

How are you and the little one's? Such an amazing time yet so traumatic for him to do this right now.

Has he given any reasons? Just that things weren't great?

he says a split was inevitable and that things haven't been right for years. Things have come to a head now as we were due to move abroad and he feels that he didn't want to go and then split up. how thoughtful. mind you he also says he doesn't want to talk about it as he will realise he still loves me and that will make it harder to leave .

at least I have my sons and yes it's shitty that he's chosen now to go but ds2 will never know any different and ds1 will forget this time. I really feel for those of you that have older children who are having to go through the whole 'daddy isn't living here anymore' thing. H is away a lot for work so the impact on ds1 will be lessened.

he's the loser here. I suppose this should be our mantra on the bad days.

You sound very strong & calm. I'm off to bed shortly but wanted to respond before I did so.

Great mantra - will repeat it to myself in bed tonight. Take care and hopefully we will all check in with each other tomorrow.

Hi folks,

Have just spent bets part of an hour reading this thread. Wanted to send you all love and luck.

Can;t believe what utter wanking bastards these men are. DOn';t know how I would cope, you are all such fabulous women.

8 weeks?!?!?!?!?

Hi WIMH - Your H is being (expletives). Of course your need more space for him because it will help YOU in your healing process. Of course he is renting a street away from you and being cagey about his own (expletive) address because he is still trying to control the split from his family (and the universe). I'm about to buy a ticket to the UK and move in next to him so I can be the worst neighbor he's ever had.

Ok, deep breath. The fact of the matter is, even if you move to another town, he will make it difficult for you and make it your fault (i.e. how dare you take my children from me). I'm afraid, you are going to have to weather this storm, for that is what it is. Pretend you are not interested in any aspect of his life (where he is, what he's doing). It will take power away from him. I know you have a vested interest in your children maintaining a relationship with him which is a very healthy thing to do. You can facilitate this but the rest is his responsibility. Start detaching contact from him as much as is feasible (I know it seems impossible at this stage) but the more you do that, the better you will start feeling, the more your kids will be ok with continuing their relationship with him (and not be in the middle) and the more he will flounder on his own.

He is not your problem anymore (his worries, feelings, strange rashes). He is your kid's dad. You are their Mom. And you will soon have your own life with them that is separate and distinct from his.

Keep going, you are doing great. The most powerful thing you can do now is start cutting the cord that attaches you to him. Divorce proceedings are a start.

Greyclay thank-you, I needed to hear that. I read your post over and over - it helps that it's not just me that thinks he is being a shit. I have this whole house to run on my own (he was good at DIY), he's left it in a state, half finished jobs, no carpet on stairs, wonky floorboards, a drain outside that keeps blocking, damp problem by the front door, and I also have three young children to look after, I work and I have our whole lives to run. All he's doing is popping in and out when it suits him and playing arsey games as if I havent better things to have to deal with.

I have been trying the his life isnt my interest approach, but as he is staying so close, so much of it overlaps. I keep asking my friends and the DCs not to tell me anything. At least H's sis thinks he wont stay in the area for long as he works in London and is likely to change jobs in a year and a half anyway (he changes jobs evry 2-3 years to get promotions/pay increase and as he's easily bored). I also think he cant keep up the every wed aft leaving work early that he is insisting on doing to collect the kids at 5 - as I dont think it's a long term plan with his work or any of his type of jobs. Keep telling myself, sit it out, sit it out, he cant keep it up.

But I dont know if I can bear to have him live so close to me for even a year. I'm telling myself, give it a year, if it's still unbearable and he has renewed his 6 month contract at house round the corner, then I will start looking to move to west country where I know he cant follow (too far commute for all the FTSE100 company IT jobs he likes). It's difficult to have such a bully get his own way and dominate our lives as much as he does. I want to be able to get away and take the choice away from him, but it isnt what is best for my DC, so guess I have to try to live around it.

Mavis you sound so strong and together although it's only been a week. So he thinks "there have been problems for years"... same as my H said. And probably every other ones. Dont believe him. He's trying to find faults in you/your relationship to justify it all to himself and he'll keep repeating it. Just tell yourself he is being a shit right now and everything he says to you is his twisted version to make himself feel more righteous and that he didnt have a choice.

He did have a choice. He could have told you where there were issues and worked on them with you, like normal people do in normal relationships. You're not teenagers for christ sake, you are two adults who were married/partners and have two babies together. He needed to be an adult, not a sulky kevin the teenager who keeps things to himself so you cant work on them together as it's both your responsibilities, and then storms out later on saying well it couldnt be helped. Tosser.

Frankly they're all tossers. They are the losers in this as they have no character and no reason just enough to explain how appalling they are behaving right now.

I definitely think there is a better life out there for me, perhaps even a better man, than this loser I married who covered up some serious personality flaws for so long.
I hope your H comes round and realises he's being an idiot.

Morning all,

WIMH - good advice from - grey clay. Take each day as it comes. I live in hope that this hurt will lessen for all of us. Right now it is still very raw.

MAvis - well done you for being so strong.

Semper - how are you feeling this morning?

Me - I still feel like shit - I am sure he is with his friend haveing a relaxing weekend, whilst i am here up at 6.30 wet bed wondering what I am going to do to fill the next 2 days on my own.

Hah Hah.
H just turned up 30 mins late to have DC this morning - probably had a "heavy" night. He was so annoying yesterday, he asked me if he could have the pushchair (maclaren) that i use instead of the slightly larger (still umbrella) bright pink one. I said the same thing to him this morning as he said to me yesterday, "Oh well I had better things to do (than hunt out another pushchair)" when he asked about me swopping the pushchairs over. So he's just driven off leaving it behind in the drive - so H has 3 children including a one year old baby with no pushchair!!!!

Serves him right. He can go to the shops to buy another puschair. What a tosser?! He doesnt like the pink pushchair as it's a bright colour and apparently rattles round in the boot of his convertable, so he'd rather DC3 had to walk or be carried than take it!!! Our smallest one, a red one i think was stolen, it had been left it out for him to collect - he told me later he hadnt taken it but I never saw it again.

I know it's petty, but really I'd rather not get involved in his little idiosyncracies as they are so pathetic. I used to used work around him all the time, now I think, he you are, deal with it or dont deal with it - it's your problem not mine.

WISM - well done you. He will struggle today then.

Eve - if weather is nice, was thinking of going down to the beach on Monday with DCs (they're with H today as it's "his weekend" but back with me tomorrow). Do you fancy joining us?

That sounds lovely - yes please...x