Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Cheers WIMH . I have been continuing to follow this thread and have been very humbled by how you have been rallying your self worth and your strength in such a seemingly short period of time. In fact, I tip my hat to all of the women here. I went through my own similar experience quite a few years ago now so it is at a safe distance for me and I only really have the wisdom of hindsight. I wish that mumsnet existed for me then! At any rate, please know that I am wholeheartedly rooting for everyone here.

Semper yes I remember driving myself crazy over and over, if only I had chilled out, not pulled him up on some of the (thoughtless) things he did... and we'd still be happy and he would be here... and it would all have blown over and never come to this....

But is that really true? Did you really pull your H up on everything he did, or let a lot go by, get on with caring for your DC and only respond to the fact you were seeing a series of selfish/ terrible behaviour or respond only to the very worst things he did? Should you have not reacted to any of them? Are you not allowed to have feelings and express them? He gets to behave badly and you get to do nothing or he will leave .

If you feel angry and unappreciated in an adult partnership, then why can you not broach it? If at some point it doesnt end up a "sorry you felt that way, I didnt mean to hurt you or intend it to come accross like that" (Or by his behaviour changing or his doing something kind to say sorry without saying it), then then this was coming anyway.

I realised after 5 weeks of driving myself mad that the reality is, no matter what I did or didnt say or do, he would have left anyway. As that was what he was building up to, all that selfish behaviour wasnt a staying-in-an-adult-relationship-long-term-behaviour. It was sabotage.

So, my experience is, that you might get to the bollocks to him bit in about a month. But the good bit is, that you get to a few bollocks to him he is a twat moments every now and then, for a few days, on the rollercoaster you are on right now. Enjoy them whilst they come and they're more fun than the tearful bits. And you get to burn a couple t-shirts on the bollocks to him days.

Did you enjoy your wine?

Hi Greyclay

Cross posted again! That's such a lovely thing to say. MNs is being a lifeline for me. It really helps to hear how other mums got through it and talk each other through the good and bad days. The DCs really help too. When I feel like I cant keep going, I focus down onto doing something funny with the DCs. Abba Dancing Queen is always a good bet! (Watch a 6, 4, and 1 year old dance to that and you can't help but laugh!)

My head is quick but my heart isnt but I'm getting better each day. I have good friends who are angry at him and friends & work colleagues are being so kind. I'm also not on my own. He is. I'm in my house, with my stuff and my DC with me. Everything is as before but without H there and the world is still turning. I belong, he doesnt. I havent lost my anchor in him - which is how I felt at the beginning- I discovered that I was the anchor in our family, the heart of it, and H was infact expendable.

I also realise now how blessed I am that I have the most wonderful kind hearted people around me as they're carrying me when I start falling.

Morning all - wine was lovely ta!

Had just over half a bottle so enough to make me sleep but not enough to get me wankered and wake up feeling crap so result all round.

IWMI - I second everything wimh and GC are saying here. If it works, it works & that would be amazing but it cannot be just about what he wants. Imagine say you have bent over backwards to accomodate his wishes, you get back together, then a short whi
le down the line it happens again. What do you do next time to accomodate him? You have already done everything to his wishes?

Also, I think if you feel it is all about him and not you then at smetime down the line you will feel resentment thinking, it only worked because of what I was willing to sacrifice, accomodate and put up with and then that burning resentment will show itself in other ways.

I am not saying put your foot down or become over harsh because getting back together is what you both want and I so wish me and dh were at your stage but just don't be blinded by that need to stop listening to your inner voice too.

Maybe I should listen to myself eh?

On a positive note, I weighed myself this morning and I have lost 3lb - I am back into the eight stones - yippee! Have been trying to get there for over 2 years. Another couple of weeks of this and I'll be back to pre ds weight! Although all haggard & drained looking to boot .

Also, can I just say that you are all so clever & sensible in your posts and insightful. At the moment, I am struggling to write my own name at times let alone phrase posts coherently so forgive my ramblings and typo's

Morning all

Semper good to hear you have a better day today xx See - that sense of stability & that you just might just be OK - comes and goes and thank god it comes sometimes as those days keep you going. So enjoy the good days, and remember the bad days just last a day, then the next day is different. If you have a bad day, really just focus down on to getting through the next few hours and start planning things that make you smile.

I am taking my DCs bowling after school today, something I could never have done before as busy getting their tea/H's tea/cleaning house etc before H eventually got home, if he did. He's also in India and my mobile phone strangely quiet since I added his mobile number to reject list whilst he was away.

My friends think it is funny that I keep saying that I'm in the angry stage of grieving now as they dont see much angry! I guess I dont do it loudly, but more in a quiet "bollocks to him" way. DC3 (age 1) is currently bashing the beejeebees out of H's cycle helmet that she's carrying around. Dont care, it's his! She's using it as a handbag/bashing thing!!

I love this feeling that H's (& his stuff is) insignificant now, just not important anymore. H wants it all to be about him. What he wants and envisages his new life to be. I am bored by all that. He spent last week berating me about a favourite t-shirt he couldnt find (out of all the 48 t-shirts I packed nicely for him!!!). He left me, with 3 yougn children, a house to run, pissed around with our money, has done all these other things, and his biggest concern is a t-shirt??!!! Selfish people are never really that interesting. I have more exciting things to think about - I'm thinking about what I want my life to be with the DCs and how I envisage it, and working on that!!!

I'm also OK with having just signed the forms to petition for divorce - doing it on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour (kept it mild and innocuous). Starting to take control of my life and DCs'. Planning DD2s birthday party - a school friends one and a big my friends & kids barbeque party for 3 weeks time. MY weekend! H can have his only "little" party for the DCs when he has them and this is what DD2 wants (she's not daft - 3 parties instead of 2!).

It's definitely easier when you dont see them (H). I've enjoyed the space of this week. It makes me see how my life could be if H didnt live anywhere near me.

Afternoon all,

Some good advice as always, just hope we all stay strong and get through it all. I know the pain will pass, I am confused. I have been so hurt and just wanting h to come home. He come back last night as I needed to work, I haven't heard from him since Thursday.
He was really nice, cuddles and holding hands whilst we took the dog and DS for a walk. Said he loved me and had missed me, and was thinking coming home was the right thing to do. We had a lovely evening on the sofa talking etc.
So this might be a turning point, so why am I not jumping for joy? Maybe I don't belive him, but I think if he does come home nothing will change, and we will be back here again and I can't risk that all over again.
We have talked about what needs to change, I will do what I can, but I am not convienced he will.
Watch this space.

Hi Eve
That sounds good, that you were talking. Does he have to come home though? Can you not take it slower with him living somewhere else and you starting to get to know each other again. Then you have more choice and control over how you respond if he does or doesnt change. Like he would have to prove himself first before you could trust him again.

I just think you have come so far, so you dont have to feel your only choice is to let him return to living at the house to make a go of it. If you're feeling uncertain, it just puts you under pressure to make it work and put up with whatever he does. Whereas the middle ground is lives elsewhere and comes round and you start a new relationship. Remember it's not about him, it's about you now xxx

OH, and it sounds bloody good that he does love you and miss you. They are great things to hear.

Signed the papers today to file for divorce. And dropped them off to the solicitors.

Wow, I am feeling brave this week.
Feeling more in control of my life for having done that.

Hi everyone, I have been lurking for a while unableto post anything as my brain is completely fried. H is living at his mum's atm, we are having a night away together at a local hotel tomorrow night and we have booked a family break at Centre Parcs for 4 weeks time which the children are terribly excited about.

Have been to Relate on my own today and I found it a scary thing. I have had a traumatic life and traumatic things happen to me. The counsellor told me my H was an addict and passive agressive to mention few things and I have to take emotion out of everything (easier said than done). I have to work out what is the worse thing that can happen to me and how I want to proceed. I have to start taking care of myself and stop trying to control everything. I have been with controlling, manipulative men all my life including my father (everything goes back to your childhood) and I am the third generation of women in my family with "shitty" men as she put it - god that makes me feel great about myself not. I have to stop making excuses for H and decide what I am prepared to put up with, etc for the sake of the kids.

He is going on his own tonight so watch this space.

Sorry that all sounded miserable but hearing it as it really is from a third party is very hard.

I will let you know how tomorrow goes.

Good wishes to everyone and hang on in there.

Went horseriding for the first time in years on Tuesday - discovered muscles I'd forgotten I had

Hi CT10
Welcome back. You do sound like you've been busy. Wow a night together at a hotel tomorrow, that sounds exciting!! And so positive.

Interesting things the Relate lady said to you. Do you think she has a point? That's a lot to think about. Wonder how your H will find it tonight and what she says to him. Is it a different Relate lady? Or are you seeing the same one?

Hi WIMH, he is seeing the same one right now - dread to think what she is saying to him .....

Thanks all of you for what youve said. Your right, i need to be a bit more assertive and get what i want.
But still just want to hear "i love you".

Something he said last night really pissed me off, course i didnt say anything but might ring tonight - will report back if i have the courage!

CT10 night together sounds very brave, hope you get to say what you want.

WIMH how did this strong woman appear in such a few (all be it long) weeks! Well done you, am taking inspiration.

CT10 Oooh I think you can relax a bit, as I would imagine she will be helping him see what he is doing to himself. Since he sounds so messed up, you have the perfect opportunity here for someone other than you reflecting that back to him! I'd think of her as your new best friend!

iwmi Ahh, of course you want to hear "I love you" back, then it will all be OK and the world will be right again.

But what do you want him to mean by I love you??? Cos those words could mean anything - I'm scared, I miss the easiness of us, I miss my home comforts and a wife who dotes on me, I want to make you happy, you complete me... I think his actions will show you whether it's the real deal or not and I imagine you want the "I love the woman you are and am putting you and the DC first, I will meet you halfway, I notice all the good things about you and will carry on appreciating those forever more.."

I dont think you can get love like that by doing everything his way, as that's selfish love about him. I think we should want it to be about us, that deep love of who we are, not we can provide for them, so by putting yourself first, working out what's acceptable to you too, and taking it carefully, you'd be making sure H understands it's about you now, or you both as a couple, not him him him him him...

Gosh, do i sound strong now? I have been laughing and being me again, all day. I guess I found my sunshine . The DCs and I are having such fun! My days arent groundhog days anymore and my future is open. I feel excited and set free. Wow I guess today is a good day and I've had a few of those in a row now.

God, crashed today. I am so bloomin' tired this morning, my eyes are bleary, DCs are argumentative. DCs up all night, both DD & DS in my bed, I ended up sleeping in DS's bed.

Hoping that DC3 will fall asleep soon so that I can return to bed. Weather is glorious but I have a headache as so tired.
H rang this morning, to speak to DCs - damn was hoping he'd be kidnapped whilst out there & kept (nicelly) for 2 years. Anyway he rang at 8am just as we were about to leave for school , and he sounded cheery just wanted to speak to DCs. He startd a long conversation so I had to take phone and say, 'we're just walking out the door so can you be quick please'.

Crashed my mood again, as I kept thinking, why is he doing this? why isnt he missing me? how does he imagine his life as better without me? He just wants all the good bits, to drop in and drop out when he wants and sleep/rest, spend his money and go out when he wants to, whilst I look after the DCs and do all the hard work. He imagines living round the corner from us and his life being great, the best of both worlds except without a wife. Whereas I think my life would be better without him in it, if he's gone I want him completely out of the picture and our lives.

Is anyone there today?

Had a sleep but still tired and still feeling incredibly sad. Been bit tearful today about losing the H I loved. Want to know where he has gone and whether he will ever come back. I would do anything to have that H back again and my future back how to how our future used to be. It feels so unfair. Why did he do this? Why did he do this to me or the DC?

Hi WIMH - sorry to hear you are having a bad day today. Please know that is just what it is though - a bad day. And it is part of the grieving process. You feel like you take one step forward and then two steps back sometimes. It is very normal to feel sad as you are grieving and mourning the loss of a life you had. But you are doing tremendously well and you ARE moving forward. You only have to read this thread from the beginning to see it.

Tomorrow will be a new day and you will feel much better I promise. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Unfortunately getting over these things does take time.

You may never know exactly why your H has made the decisions he has but one day you will turn around and not care anymore. And you will be happy again.

Courage.

I'm sorry you are having a down day too WIMH. Wow, divorce papers signed. Must feel so strange. GC is right, you have been so positive in all of your recent posts so try and see today as a blip if you can - it is bound to be up & down but I too am in thee WIMH fan club and think you are doing amazingly. Keep going.

Dh came round lat night to put little man to bed & we had a long talk. He said that this is absolutely killing him but we have been having so many problems that he feels as though he has hit a brick wall. He is scared that if he just comes back home (like he wants to) then nothing will really get resolved like always happens after arguments and then 2 years down the line we will break up anyway when little man is more aware of what is going on. He just doesn't know whether to make a clean break now or not. He says the fight has gone out of him.

I am the first to acknowledge we have had a hard time over the past 18 months or so (my depression, moving to a new area with no family or friends has meant that I have become far too over reliant on him for well, almost everything, lots of external issues, then him being a TWAT).

Thing is though, I would rather see this split as a shake up & to acknowledge that we CANNOT continue the way we were. It was inevitable I suppose that things were going to come to a head, but I would rather use this as a springboard to move on and change for the better on both sides. We really have had a lot to deal with which I won't go into (far too long & complicated) but I want us to move on together. I want us to join together to beat our problems. He says that he is scared to come home, all will be well for a few days & then ultimately, everything will start to crack again. I say we have been stuck in a vicious cycle - a rut.

There are so many positives happening shortly. One of our major stresses is due to be over in a month, I will go back to my GP and maybe start taking the anti d's he prescribed, we are due to move in 3 months to an area where I will have much more opportunity to make friends and regain a sense of freedom again.

Why can't he see this?

He was so upset and kept crying and saying there is nothing he wants more than to just come home but he thinks he should still stay away for a while as he is scared that the feelings he has now will come back in a day or two. He says he has to know it is me he wants to come back to and not just that he is missing ds, his home comforts etc.

I asked if he wanted to go for a drink tonight as my Mam is here to babysit (we never get to go out together normally as there is no-one for DS). He said thanks for the offer but didn't think it was a good idea - its space he needs, and having a few beers and then being with me will only make him want to come home.

So still stuck in limbo. Have applied for a job toady, I don't want to but if this doesn't work out then I am going to have to go back to work and my SAHM days will be over. I will also have to move back up to the North East as the house will have to be given back to the army. Feel so sad at the thought of all of this.

Have a thumping headache.

Hope you have started to feel better as the day goes on WIMH and all you others. Keep swimming.

Evening ladies, I have had trouble with my internet today. WIMH - hang on in there, you have come so far in such a short while, and this is just a knock back, you have taken control of the situation by starting the divorce process and the children are feeling safe and secure in your care. Try and get out and make the most of the nice weather. I know it must be really hard having H popping in and out, it is something that is going to happen, it will take time to adjust again, but you have done so well.

Semper - I know just how you feel, I just wnat to scream at him come home and give us a chance we can work onthis together.

Well as for me, H has been over this evening and wasn't feeling well. He spent sometime with Ds and went back to his base. He said he will come back tomorrow and spend the day with us.

He has decided that we should stay as we are and keep popping in. Great, so you get to chill out and relax except for 2 evenings aweek for 3 hours with Jacob and a few hours with us at the weekend - whilst I deal with all the shit.

Said that it is ok, but I expect him to up the contact a bit, if we are trying to build on our relationship I expect more contact when he is not here.

I am not getting my hopes up, in fact i am just fed up with being messed about, feel like I am being strung along.

Hi MNs
Am here this morning. H is coming over to take all 3 DCs out for the day. Dreading seeing him. I have a day off to myself. Looked at the grass that I intend to cut and it's long and wet. Groan. Have a few plans but on my own all day.

Feeling bit better than yesterday. Went to bed at 7pm last night straight after put kids to bed. Good sleep until DD snuck into my bed at 1am, and proceeded to disturb me all night for a cuddle, she ends up with her nose right to mine on the same pillow!!!. It's sweet but hard to sleep when you have a limpet attached to you!!!

I'm fed up that H wants to rent a house literraaly a street away from us. He is just crowding us, there's no reason for him to stay in the area - he works in London, has work colleagues that live up near Wokingham- why cant he give me some space? It makes me feel that I wont be able to stay in the area long term, otherwise I'll be bumping into him all the time. I just want some space, I want to feel free.

Greyclay thanks for that. I cant see a point where I do get over it, whilst he is still hanging around. But I hope I will.

Eve and Semper Sounds positive, at least H's are wanting to work on your relationship and still show signs of caring about you. That's a good thing as it's something to build on. xxxxx Stick in there.

How has everybody's day been today?

WIMH - did you manage to enjoy a bit of time to yourself?

My Mam & Dad took little man out for the day so I sat in the back garden in the glorious sunshine, with my Mary Queen of Scots book & had two glasses of wine! Smoked loads of cigarettes too tho . I had given up but this has sent me reaching back for them I am afraid. Oh well, will stop again when I don't have so many things rushing through my head.

Was a bit more positive after my afternoon rest but have crashed again now. I hate hate hate this.

Evening ladies,
WISM - hoping you had a peaceful day and the children were well behaved on thier return
Semper - sounds like you had a lovely day, one thing at a time - give up smoking another day.

Not sure what is going on today - H turned up 11.30 - got stuck in traffic. We went out for a few hours had a nice time with DS. Came back and I crashed out. We tidied up the garden and he showered and got DS ready for bed eary and shot out of the door at 7pm. Don't know when I am seeing him again. But he has showered, shaved and ironed his clothes...
Feel pants today, feel like I am being tested.