Semper
Glad to hear you have friend coming down and your Mum. It is your news to tell who you want when you are ready - your mum wouldnt have meant any harm though, she was probably just shocked. Can you ask her to do damage limitation and ask cousin and Aunty not to pass it on to anyone until you are ready? That way you can feel in a bit more control to let it sink in before you start telling people and tell only a few at a time. I had to pace myself. It's like re-experiencing it each time. I couldnt cope with it in the first 2 weeks. I could barely get my words out. I'm so sorry you're here too honey.
I think a great piece of advice I had early on in the thread was someone said ignore everything coming out of H's mouth, as he's just trying to justify it to himself. A MN said to me, imagine it's all crap coming out of his mouth. I drove myself mad in the early days trying to make sense of it, why had he left, what had I done, what could I do to fix it? It didnt matter. It wasnt me or the kids. It was who he is now. People usually work things out together, or seek help and put their cards on the table, compromise.
So keep telling yourself - it's not you, it's him. Of course in every arguement there is 50:50, but the differnce is that if one person is willing to meet in the middle and talk it through, and the other simply walks away or doesnt talk and share what's going on, they've disengaged- it's easier for them to walk away and reinvent. You can change the way you argue, you can be nicer to each other. It's not that difficult to do, if you ar both committed to changing yourselves or your behaviour for the better. We all develop and grow as we get older, it's called maturing. Ask yourself what type of man walks away from his wife and young DC???
It will be about his unhappiness with himself, not being able to work at something and risk his feelings/ego/ lifestyle - and all these things are worth it to him to cause such devastating heartache to you and your DC????? There are real tragedies out there that happen, children /partners that get ill, or die, accidents that happen, jobs lost and families losing their homes. All outside people's control. These H's have created tragedies, unneccessary pain to the very people they claim to love the most, or loved at one time. It's all about them. They are putting some selfish idea about freedom and changing their lives "to better suit them" over and above their DC AND their wives /partners. It is the epitamy of the most pointlessly destructive act to do - entirely self centred and without caring about the hurt they cause to others.
H will give you lots of different reasons, and none of them add up to make sense of such a devastating thing to do. Why do men walk out on their families and wives??? Everyone has arguments. He sounds as if he was behaving selfishly, not like a married man / a dad of young DC. When were you the paid childcare at home rather than his equal partner? You're ill DCs ill, the other parent has a responsibility to come home and HELP. Not stay out and get drunk because they cant be arsed/dont think it's their responsibility. Terrible dad, terrible Husband. My H did a series of similiar things before he left and some terrible behaviour, staying out late, refusing to come home if DC or I were ill, drinking to early hours then being incapable of getting up next day and ruining families weekends, breaking promises - it makes me mad to remember it now.
But it's a long process for them of withdrawing and thinking of themselves, then you get cross as you sense it, and then you're blamed for pulling H up on it. It's a ruse. They are behaving badly and being selfish, and nothing you did or said would have made any difference. Give yourself a break.