Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Long term, I dont want to stay in the same county as H. I cant imagine bumping into him and seeing his life. I dont want him interfering in mine or the DCs to the extent he wants to.

So thinking, let the divorce go through, and if I have to sell our family home, then at that point, I'll say to H that either he moves or we do, as I can look for a new job somewhere else and house and nice schools. I dont know if it is something I will have to do, the time comes to it, but it comforts me knowing that I can be free in a couple years time if I need to be. I dont want to lose the kids friends and mine, I have down here, but I dont want to be anywhere near H more than that. Hoping he will change jobs before then and "have to move".

WIMH - morning, sorry you were up early, you must be tired. Lots of emotions going on and with H not being reasonable it must be re opening the wounds all over again each time he does something/says something.

Does DS have to do the football thing? I know it is important, but in the grand scheme of things maybe a few days with GP would be good for everyone - they also might have the opportunity to talk to H?

Have you thought about going to relate or having some counselling? I know it is very early days but there is so much going on that maybe this would help?

As painful as it is, the childrens routine is going to be upset with H - they don't have the 'work load' mums do and don't understand the importance of it all. Children are adaptable, and sleep well in cars although I wouldn't fancy that trip with 3 children!

Know you have packed H stuff away and understand with 3 children it must be hard, but have you tried re arranging the furniture? Make it your place not our place. Just a few small changes can make it feel very different.

Understnad you have to think long term, and the idea of H being in and out of your life must seem very painful, but you have built good realationships here both for yourself and the children. Time will make this pain easier, always good to have a plan, but don't run before you can walk.

Maybe He could move 10 - 20 miles away so that he isn't so local?

Glad you had a good night :-)

Eve all good ideas.
Somehow a sense of calm came over me at lunchtime. I was in Asdas thinking "I can do this!" and smiling. I was thinking, he's in a dark place, and I dont have to be dragged in there with him. I was also thinking, what's the worst that could happen. The kids and I will be OK even if they get a bit tired.

That is good to hear. Hang on to that feeling. Has your sister gone back yet?

Ok day here, finished my work, which I am pleased about. Have pottered about. I was at Tesco getting a few bits in and H phoned asked what I was doing. Just said I was out and about :-) he said that sounds interesting and asked who I was with told him it wasn't any of his business.

He got all shirty. So good knows what is going on in his head.

Anyway he is on his way back, going to drop DS off and go. So his weekend with Ds he took him to him mum's fri night spent weekend with his uncle (was doing a sponsored bike ride) collect Ds from his mum sunday luch with him and dropping him back here - so great weekend for DS! Tosser.

mega struggle day.

Veering between sobbing for the loss of my darling husband and spitting feathers and looking at jobs in scotland so i can run away from it all

DCs have been pretty hard work today. Eldest crying and telling me he hates me so so so much (I wouldn't let him play out in the rain or drink a gallon of juice in bed etc etc) and how he wants daddy not me etc - and now the baby is crying and refusing to settle to sleep and shouting DaDa constantly.

I can't do this

Eve your post made me laugh! He does sound bothered, to have asked where you were when he rang & got shirty! Good answer. You sound so together at the moment. Hold onto that thought xxx I love your evaluation of him at the end!!

Am doing OK today. Just dropped sis off at train station and put DCs to bed. Lovely to have her to visit, but realise perhaps the timing wasn't great for me. Anyway, feeling a bit freer now have house to myself. I wonder if I will ever be able to share my house again (except with the DCs!)!! Starting to like the peace and quiet that I get in the evenings with no one else to look after.

TSL know just how you feel - especially the wanting to run as far away from them as possible. So you dont have to see or deal with H or have those memories around you, feels easier to start somewhere new far away. You can always do that in the future, just stay where you are right now and keep that as your secret escape route if you need it (let's hope you don't). I'm giving myself 2 years to see how I feel and keep things stable for time being. Then I plan what to do next at that point.

TSL Give your gorgeous baby a cuddle. DS does not hate you, he's acting out. It'll be OK, because of course your DCs love you. You're right in some ways - you can't do this right now - you sound exhausted by your strong emotions as you try to deal with this. I definitely think you need to have a bloomin' good cry, scream & sob into a blanket. Then when you have cried yourself out, you will realise you can do this. You're the nice one here.Being distraught and angry and all over the place simply reflets how geniune,deep & caring you are. You cant just switch it off. I definitely think the pain & love all needs to all come out in tears and wailing.

I'm finding out that you dont have to do it all in one step. On bad days, it works better to just focus on the next couple hours, get through them, break up the day into portions, and then plan nice treat like a bath before going to sleep. Then think right all I have to do tomorrow is get up in the morning and get DCs to school/nursery/ breakfast. And think what can I do to help tomorrow be a good day? I really focus down to the DCs and doing something silly with them, when it's a bad bad day.

Oh and I packed up H's DVDs and PS2 games, and scratched a PC game in amongst the box, that he used to spend millions of hours on ignoring the kitchen / dinner/ shopping/ any jobs he promised to do/ the DCs & me. That made me feel so much better.

Bit out of character as he was always the one that damaged things, not me, but then having my H walk out on me and our 3 young children is kind of a weird road new to me.

wimh - great post - thank you

yours sounds liek agood plan - not syure how i cope through the next 2 years though....

i sometimes wonder if actually i miss HIM or just the IDEA of him. I don't feel that I could go onto a 3rd marriage/relationship - it wouldn't feel right or be right you know?

I am so angry at DH as I married in church and took my vows bloody seriously - better or worse.

Am also really angry today at the in-laws - MIL especially. They are just allowing him to walk out on his family - beutiful children who have done nothing wromg and me who yes has been rather emotional and hormonal the past 18 months but I was just getting to the point I was feeling human again when he left! hes staying with them, they are spoiling the kids rotten and havign parties and sunday luinches etc all with the DCs and the family and I am left out in the cold. I don't get on with my family - they don't "do" family gatherings (well they do but they never tell me about them!) and my in laws became like my adoptive family. How can they just "dump" me with the same ease of conscience that H has done?

If one of my kids wanted to just walk out on their family so soon after a new baby born etc I would kick em back home and tell them to remember their vows and work on it before running home to mummy.

I am bitter and angry today and I hate it - its not me. I just can't go on anylonger its too hard. It hurts too too much

TSL - yes you can do this! We all can, women are made of sterner stuff.

Its a bad moment and will be replaced by a better one xx

(inlaws ignoring me too)

H came over for kids yest and asked if he could have a cuddle, said yes but didnt put baby down.

Feel really hopeful, but theres a voice in my head telling my its all a game, this was his plan all along. Said he was going for 3mths, had 6 wks of fun and now being nice and saying right things in counselling in hope will be fixed in next 6wks, which by the way will be babys 1st bday, or am i just being cynical?

How much honesty is too much? Do i say all this? Keep to myself? Lap it up? Play hard to get?...?
Am really going to try and stck to my guns about being loved, not too much to expect, but feel it would be easy to cave...
Arggggh!

i will make it - hmm sounds a bit like DH here too - texts and asks for "favours" iykwim - and I am always torn wondering if I should say yes and hope it makes him realise what hes missing and comes home or should i tell him to forget it unles he's prepared to come home - in which case he may go elsewhere for it.....am terrified of this - I would die inside if he went elsewhere that much I do know.....

i feel sick :-(

TSL - its scary i know, I see it as me getting something i want, ie i wanted some comfort other than cuddles off my mum! At the time the l8r i just dont know.

I really miss him and now hes being nice i miss him more, but need him to miss me more than that,

Chin up xx

i can handle it if i think about it like that and its fine when hes on the want and I have the control yes I know its the fact I am out of control that upsets me the most perhaps?.........arrggh - i hate that I am havign to analyse my every thought just now. I just want my nice life to come back....this one is shite.

TSL - hang on in there, as WIMH said the hurt has to come out some how and emotions are a terrible thing you can't just switch them off. Know what you mean in your last post, I can't imagine being with anyone else. And it cuts me up inside thinking he could easily go off with anyone. Just take each day as it comes.

WIMH - glad you had a better day, enjoy the peace I am getting use to it now, Shoved H out of the door when he arrived, as I was taking DS out for his tea and he didn't need to stop ha ha.

Am cheering myself up talking to losser on dating website - great fun have developed a whole new mean, that is very checky.

Hang on in there girls, we deserve so much better than these men that walked out on thier families.

God I know, f...ing games, Ive always hated them, i am what i am, take or leave it and I just get confused when others arent. Thought he was the same as me there, but another in a long line of things ive got wrong!

That crap saying " to assume..etc" keeps going round in my head. We had counsel;ling this time last year (not relate i must add, theyve been fab sofar) and it always started with "why do you think h is here" or "what do you think h wants to gain from 2nite" and i would dutifully make up what i thought was expected when inside i was screaming HOW THE F..K DO I KNOW WHAT HE WANTS OR WHY HES HERE!

Wish i had said that but wasnt strong enough then and relate lady doesnt ask me daft qs!My rambling point there is, we thought we knew them, assumed we did but in reality we only know ourselves and thats who we have to trust and honour now... still not made my point clear will think somemore, do u get me?

Thought I would drop back in and see how everyone is doing. Havent posted in a few days just because everything is still the same really! Had a row with H over money the other day and whenever we talk on the phone ends in a shouting match with him putting phone down. Drives me mad!

Hope your all doing ok this evening.

Hi MNs

TSL IWMI Your Hs sound confusing at the moment and making you feel responsible for how they are. I hate that bit when you feel confused. I feel more peaceful when I know where I stand and am not at the mercy of what he wants or is thinking.
The Relate therapist & GP helped me by telling me that the old relationship is gone. It's past. The old H is gone. If anything ever resolves in the future, then it is a new relationship that you build from scratch. That has really made sense to me. So I am trying to stop missing the old H as whilst our previous life together still existed (Relate lady said "it's written in the history books"), it's gone now. So old H no longer exists. He is who he is now. He made these decisions based on who he is now and that is the H who I have on the edge of my life. Does that make sense?

I dont think it matters what you do really. It is all about them. So, do only what you feel comfortable with. I dont think it hurts to say, "here are my boundaries" as it stops them in their tracks and makes H think.

H is unable to ring the DC on the 3 days after school that they are around, as he is in India this week for work and travelling at those times. He's already tried emotional blackmail me "If you want them to speak to their father" (What wake them up??? Or ask them to take a phonecall whilst in school??!). However he's texted me 3 times in the last 24 hours to "say hello to the DC an tell them I am...just setting off on airplane/landed in India/ blah blah".

It's annoying me as I was looking forward to having some time without him and each text reminds me he's still around. If I get anymore in a short period, I'm going to ask him to stop texting. He doesnt live here anymore and I dont need texts constantly from here on stuff we're not interested in.
Admit I am hoping something will happen and he wont return from India. How awful is that?!!

WIMH, The texts your h has sent sound like the sort of texts he would have sent if you was together. Your quite right if he continues I would text him to say I dont need to know where you are or what your doing as its none of my business anymore. Its when they start the contact that it all comes back to you isnt it. What your relate lady said is interesting although I do think its a shame that the old h has gone forever. Do you think any of these H's will have their wake up call when they wonder what have I done? Mine wont, but some of them will at some point Im sure.

My H seems to be telling me what I want to hear the point of it being what I do not know. But he says stuff like 'I know there is no future with me and the ow' ok so why is he still chasing after her and seeing her? Some part of him must think they do. Its all the same crap with him, he says stuff like he doesnt want anyone or he is so confused and doesnt know what he wants BUT his actions are very different-chasing and seeing the ow.

WDYAT
Interesting that your H says he is confused and sees no future with the OW. Why do you think he wont ever have a wake up call?

Hard to know if all or any of them will have wake up call moment where they realise what they have lost, and whether they would say anything anyway. Some men are stubborn pride driven men who dont ever like to

My H is putting on a really cold strong front which is so controlled and so "I'm right, this is the right thing to do" that it's almost as if he cant talk about it incase it puts a chink in his armour or the story he's told himself.

One of my (really balanced) lovely female friend is on her second marriage to an older man who left his wife when his DC were much older. They have second DS together. She says DH2 often says how he regrets doing it, and realises he could have done something different. DH2 left his wife years before he met her and they now have a son together.

Her own H1 left her with a 5 year old boy for OW and H1 said to her 13 years later that he realised it was him that was unhappy, he had numerous affairs and went from OW to OW, and realised 13 years later that it was nothing to do with her and all about him being unhappy with himself. He is also very unreliable with their DS and she said DS1 is very balanced as she has always been there for him and worked around H1. But DS1 is under no illusions about his dad, has made his own opinion of H1 and H1 regrets that.

It sounds like it all takes so long for some Hs to understand themselves and really reflect on what they are doing. I bet some forever justify it to themselves with their wives' imaginary flaws or real things that they exagorate to themselves to stop them feelnig guilty. I can see what my H has been doing.

It all seems such pointless heartache to cause. Why cant some men be happy with what they have and work at making it better. I bet you could all say the same as the bit I am about to say - It's ridiculous thing to do - as I am lovely, kind hearted, funny warm person, great mum, the DCs are gorgeous, well behaved and lively little things, and I know that, but it still makes me feel somehow I have failed or it is me.

Everyone keeps telling me, it's so not me, it's all him. Most men would have loved to been in his position and had what he had. And he threw it all away. For what? Is there really something "better" out there??? Or just a less stressful life where you have less people depending on you. I think H simply wants to stay in bed more often, spend his money on himself with latest gadgets and not have to tidy up after DC. I also think there is OW at work who he wants to shag.

Silver Lining - I have been lurking, but your posts sound so full of pain. WIMH is right - he is gone. Evaporated. The person in his place is not the same guy, and if he came back even on your terms it would not be the same. Don't think about him with someone else, think about you with someone who loves you and lets you be you. You are a different person too.

If I had ever seen this would be who H is now, I would never have married him. He wouldnt have been enough for me. By that I mean what I thought he was thoughtful, deep and kind hearted. What an idiot I was to believe he was deeper than he is proving himself to be. The DCs and I deserve a proper man in our lives not this little boy who sulks, shouts and bullies and thinks only about himself. What a FU he is!!!

Sparkybabe what a lovely post. That is really good advice.

Hee hee My friend has just emailed me this joke to cheer me up and it worked . Copying it here..

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

(Not that I am condoning poisonning Hs!!!)

He has never had regrets about anything he is very single minded and if he thinks he is right he is right. He has told me he wont change who he is or anything about him. He met ow at a club where she continues to work and he has said he wouldnt give it up as its 'just a place'. I think deep down he knows it wont work with the ow but a huge part of him wants to see if it will. Ive said he would soon get fed up of going out all the time with her mates but he says its not like that.

He has had 5 months to have some kind of wake up call and to finish with her but he hasnt done either. He has now been having some kind of relationship with her for 9 months. Looking back he kinds of drifts from one relationship to the next and hasnt really ever had anytime being single. When I met him he had only been split up with his previous girlfriend for a few weeks.

He swings from being nice to being nasty depends what mood he is in. I have just had him on the phone for the second time tonight asking to come round and do the garden tommorow and 'talk'. I have no idea what there is left to talk about. He said he is too old for a girlfriend but what is she then if not a girlfriend?! I dont know if he is going to come round tommorow I have nothing to talk about with him its been 5 months now and all seems a little late in the day. Im just so fed up of all the same conversations with him nothing changes at all.

WDYAT It sounds like you know your H very well. Not a hopeful picture you describe of who he is at this point in time - It sounds like you are really fed up of him now. Is that how you feel underneath?

I could have written some of the exact same words about my H. It's so disappointing isn't it? That they aren't just... well more. You think you're getting a whole person, and you're living all that time and loving a whole person - and somehow they were empty somewhere. Maybe that emptiness just swallowed all the nice bits about them up and look what is left.

I keep thinking was he always like this just covering it up well? Or did a small hole suddenly just start gaping and grew and grew to where his charactor was hollowed out? I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well. But on my strong days, i think so little of who H is now because of how appallingly he is behaving. It sounds like you're kind of there some days too.

Then I have these pangs or reminders sometimes of who he used to be and all that hope and plans I had for our future together and the fun times with the old H. The old H that is dead/gone now is the one I miss. Perhaps he was never who I thought he was and it's hard to accept that he is never coming back. That there isnt a magic wand.