Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

CT10 - oh wow I hope he means that! Keep us posted it sounds so hopeful - thinking of you - would love to hear a happy ending!

eve - that would be enough for me girl....good luck x

nice to hear some good news from someone!

I;m having a strange day. I walked home from school today and thought with surprise - "god I feel really truly content right now....."

COuld I be "getting over" this heart ache already?! Seems a bit soon but finally have money coming in and I am enjoying the independance....i think it helps I haven't seen him for a week. It swhen I see him I buckle.

Anyone else find this? You're fine til you see the fucker?

OMG, just been to Relate. Well what can I say. We both need individual therapy
Told me to read "Co dependent no more - How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself"!

H has some really big self esteem issues and he is getting 1st appointment (obviously she feels he needs it sooner than me). Aside from all our other problems, she said just having 3 DC in less than 5 years, with pregnancies etc is bad enough. She told us she had seen people from mental health hospitals who have had to cope with less than us!!!!!

Quite shattered really. Told H he did the right thing in leaving and told me not to push him, give him space - I think he has been caring stuff from his childhood and it is all coming out now .....

thesilverlining, Yes thats me!!! I am fine when I am not seeing or speaking to him and then up he pops and thats it I go back to the start again. Drives me mad, I am going to try a lot harder for that not to be the case anymore.

CT10, I know your shocked by what happened at relate but at least its a start. Its good that your H is going to get the counselling he needs and I really hope it all works out for the both of you.

H now wants to book family holiday to Centre Parcs .....

Do I change H to DH yet ?

TSL and WDYAT me too. I am fine when he is not around. Strangely quiet and alone.
It's when he comes around and I see him, that it hits me how different he is and how little I know the "new him". He is so unpleasant it is unreal. It feels so unreal as I dislike this version of the man - how did he change so much and me not notice? - and miss the old H wherever he has gone.

Having strain of a few days, as my sister (who is off work with depression) came down to stay and I had to tell her yesterday. I need some space but have to keep going and pretend I am fine for her. I need my own space. It was planned before H left, as she was going to babysit whilst we met a friend in London on Friday night. But she was so low I couldnt tell her and she was so looking forward to it. I just want to get out of the house though and have some peace and space to myself.

Sorry. Having such a hard time underneath. Feel like it's all so unreal and I want to wake up. Cant believe H is like this now. Who is he? How dare he change so suddenly to what... THIS?????

Cto10 - I agree - you need to trust the relate person - they really are qualified in this area. Your situation sounds terribly like ours - and dare I say it but I probably need to control others less and care about me more too.........is it too soon for holiday to CPs?......

wimh - oh i do understand....its almost like needing the alone time to lick our wounds isn't it? I feel that I am fine with day to day life at the moment - and am learning to take pleasure in the smallest simplest things.

I am realising actually that this is maybe the best thing that could ever have happened. Its forced me to re evaluiate my life in a way I wouldn't ever have done before.

H called round earlier to collect a book I had bought for him - he was so visably touched by the gesture as it is something he loved watching on tv. He was very clam and kind - he spoke about the future a little and explained that he realises he is the selfish one (no really?!!) and he needs to determine if he can put that selfishness to the back burner and if he can then hes all ready for family commitment again etc etc but if he can';t then he realises he doesn't deserve us.

Well thats the general precis of it - not going to bore yoiu with finer details! But I felt really good afterwards and it didn't hurt like being stabbed when he looked at me - I felt sorry for him and felt warmth not desperation toward him.

Got to be a better place than I was in previously thats for sure.

wdyat - can you not do a few tings that you always wanted to do but couldn't when he was around?....even if its buy something or start saving to buy something? Or paint your bedroom pink (thats mine!) and buy new flowery bedlinen from Cath Kidston or Laura Ashley (also mine tee hee!!!!) - cos I was never allowed to blow that sort of money on pretty flowery things for th ehouse - so I am enjoying looking at all the latest collections on line and working out how soon I can affords to buy them!!!

HTH you

TSL that's lovely that your H said that.

CT10 probably a bit too early to see him as DH rather than H, but he's working towards it isnt he?! Relate sounds like it's really helping you look at yourselves, a good thing as it takes two to argue (but only one to walk out and abandon you!!) So do remember that, he has to earn your respect back- it's a fab start though, feel hopeful for you ...

Centre parcs is a lovely idea, real family holiday. But how do you feel about going on holiday with him and the DC? I think listenning to your gut instinct will tell you if you are ready for that or not.

I can't stay on here long, as my sister keeps coming and looking over my shoulder.
She's trying to help me, but I feel totally crowded. It doesnt help that she's quite down and talking about herself a fair bit. She's not self absorbed, she's just trying to help by relating it to how she feels, so she's trying to be kind in her own way. But I dont have the resources. I feel so on edge and that I am waiting.

I can hear her upstairs (chatting to DD who I put to bed 20 mins ago!? DD wraps her round her little fingers!)

H is away for work in India this week. He has been awful again this week and I'm looking foward to not having any contact with him and just feeling that I have a bit of space and distance.

WIMH - try and listen to your sister - thinking abotu someone elses crap might help you stop thinking about him for a while anyway. Glad he's off to india - you sound like you need some space and quiet. I realise I needed a week or so without contact too - its really helped me get soem perspective. It also means he can't bully you if hes that far away - I dislike the way he bullies you - it makes me so grrr on your behalf :-( Try to enjoy the weekend and the fact that you have some bully free time ahead....who knows, India can have a profounc effect on some people - maybe he'll have an awakening that life is not all about money and freedom and control over others.....

Ah TSL that's so sweet.
Unfortunately H stays in all the best hotels when in India, travels business class on flights, and has meals and large amounts of drinks laid on by the business partners he's meeting. Probably not going to have much of an awakenning except by the highly paid concierge who might do his morning call and press his clothes!

Sorry, didnt mean to sound like I wasnt interested in my sister. I am listenning to all her stuff. I do worry about her. I've been talking to her over an hour every other day on the telephone for the past 3 weeks about how she was feeling and her problems at work, and I am burning out now she's here and talking all day as well. It's just that now she knows (I was so worried about telling her) it's spinning my head when she relates how she feels to my situation too.
I'm trying not to think about H, but I do want to have time to think about me and the DC.

She is trying to help but I'm finding it all too intense. I just need a laugh, some light relief! And I need to get to bed and get some sleep. xxxx

Sorry perhaps this isnt a good day for me, I feel penned in. Gonna grab some wellies and splash in puddles and stuff tomorrow in some big woods near us. Perhaps need to shake the cobwebs off.
Night all xxxx

Yes looking forward to some bully free time too. Cant tell you how relieved I am H is out of the country!!

Hoping they wont let him back in again...!

How is your week off (without contact) going?

Hi all, still here, spent yest licking my wounds and today feeling blue. Had a little retail therapy - also aiming to get a pink bedroom! Only prob with that is cant grt in there as have been washing clothes but not putting anything away and room is swamped, even kids commenting!

Went out with h weds pm, listened to him chatting about wk, but felt had nothing interesting to say to him, as a sahm what do i say that is about my life, not the kids?

Came home very dispondant(sp)and chucked mum and dad out! Didnt want to talk, they love my i know but are stuggling with my descions in all this, ie wanting him back. I realise i have to hold out for what i want but ultimately i want my h back, its the loving me bit we r still struggling with!

Do I pointout that with a 5,3, and baby the highlight of my day is watching them safely sleeping after a day of walking up and down the high st and dealing with things in our house on my own, like an allotment, diy, bills, etc.... or is that just being petty?

Am feeling a little hopefull but still lost.

Also have the summer hols issue, 5 nights in a tent, on my own :-(, with my sis and 2 teenagers :-) or with him? What to do??

Anyone out there with a crystal ball?!

iwmi - oh yes that is so me! I even have an allotment! And yes - its the loving me part we are stickin on too......

He was "all over me" in text speak this afternoon and it tailed off by 5pm - so now I am texting and getting no reply....and wondering if hes at the pub, shaggign someone else, generally ignoring me......

FFS I need to snap out of this........

Oh dear sounds like you ladies have been through the mill. Some space is a valuable thing, I am so longing forward to the next 2 days. Jacob has gone ot grannies and my mum heads back in the morning. I just wnat some time to myself, I can't remember the last time I did nothing.
Well I will dye my hair, walk the dog, have some work to do, but no demanding children or visitors.
Hope you all get out in the fresh air tomorrow and blow some cobwebs away.

I have come to a point where I don't give 2 hoots about H - he can do what he likes. It is such a great place to be.

eve i am envious

i hope i get to the point that I don't give a fig for what H is up to......cos right now I care a little too much.........

Grrrr the dog has flea's. Have de flea'd everything, so much for peace and quiet.
H - has cleaned up his emails and cancelled his dating website, so on to my snooping. Gutted. Surprised he didn't say anything to me.

Haven't heard fom him today, I don't expect I will all weekend. I was on such a high yesterday today feels a bit empty. I am going to spring clean DS room and get on with some work.

really looking forward to a nice lie in tomorrow.

Hi MNs
Sounds like we're all having a similiar weekend. Feeling distracted today. About to head down to M's Valley to tromp around with kids, my friend and her DCs and their dog. Oh and my sister.

The thing is my PND isnt going. I am hovering over this huge precipice and the one person I loved and counted on more than anything, is the one person who has suddenly morphed into this alternate nasty man who I dont recognize. I cant get over that bit. I miss my old H. I wish I could have him back and that this horrible "new H" imploded and disappeared.

Now I've made myself cry. Sorry, struggling. Have no space with my sis here. She goes home tomorrow. Am going to try to find someone to go out with tonight to get some space. But also tired tired tired....

When will I get over this?

Argh, my sis has just come in again and looked at the screen. I have to keep saying, "privacy please!!!! Can I have some time on my own"

Is it my situation that is making me feel so crowded? How are you girls coping when someone comes to stay with you? Eve has your mum been helpful?

My sis was genuinely trying to help last night, but she let the DCs come in her bed and chatted with them until 8.30pm all snuggled up (1 3/4 hours after I'd put them to bed!!!)- I didnt know they were both in there! DD slept in with her last night, despite us agreeing this would be a night in her own bed.

I have to deal with this after sis goes home. She is so trying to help me - so i dont feel I can say anything and I would never want to upset her - but it's undoing all the things I've been doing to keep them in their routine since H left. I am probably being over sensitive and should just go with the flow but I am so tired.

iwmi I like the idea of a pink bedroom. Tell us when you've done it!!! The laundry gets out of control doesnt it - I have similiar 3 DCs, so I know exactly what you mean. It's hard hearing about H's exciting lives when you're left at home with the drudgery. But remember you get all the good stuff with DCs as well and once you feel a bit better, you'll leave H behind and have the interesting life while he has a shallow one. Or at least that's what I'm hoping will happen, when I can stop thinking about laundry, bills, keeping a roof over our heads and what I can afford to spend on food!

wimh - no its not just you - I couldn't bear having someone stay with me just now - I don't even want to spend time with ANYONE just me and the DCs. I want to be left alone to greive in my own time and my opwn way.

I too am feeling a little despondant today - the day has just dribbled by with nothing much being acheived - and i had such high hopes for it :-(

Feelign utterly crappy today

WIMH - sorry to hear you have had a terrible day, hope you managed to get out? I too am feeling crap. Had thought I would be ok, but mate let me down tonight and have just drifted about with no purpose. Have dome some work, need to get some more done which gives me something to focus on. Have played some music loud.

Knew I would come down from my high. I know deep down he isn't going to change his mind and come back home. I can't imagine being with anyone else. He is the world to me.

I stopped taking my diazampam Wed, but took one today.

Mum went back this morning, it has been nice to see her and she cleans everything insight but am glad to have some peace.

H - is with his family doing a sponsored 24 hour bike ride. Have talked to them all this week, I know they will try and get some sense out of him. I am sure he will just dig his heals in further.

Right back to doing some work

Good morning MNs

Got out last night, went bowling. Was nice. I dont think my sis was overly impressed that I wasnt just going to bed, as we'd only just got back from meal out, but I needed some space. Up at 5.30am with baby and DS1 and told her to stay in bed. Planning to bath DCs and have play date with DS's friend later. Just filling time though.

H was a bit dishonest. He told me he was taking DCs down to his mum's all weekend which I said yes to as nice to see Grandma and they will be well cared for with her(Kent which is 2 1/2 drive from here) for weekend. But he didnt mention that DS had football tournament in the afternoon (he told football organiser to send email to him not me!!), so they wont be there until just before bedtime, which seems a long journey to take them on for such a short time.

Hardly worth it for the DC as long drive late Sat and long drive back after lunch on Sunday. Just so he doesnt have to stay around his friend's house with DCs as think friend is getting fed up of my DCs being round there (DD and friend's son who stays with him Fri-Sat afternoon, broke a radiator in friend's house 2 weeks ago and he hasnt "had time" to fix hot water yet!!). It kinda tells me DD and friends DS were left on their own for quite some time to have played with a radiator (!)- as it's not really her first choice of toy. Dont know what I want though. Just not this.

H in India now. He's cold and switched off and still nasty to me if he can be. Trying not to engage with any of it. Still can't beleive who he is now. Where did the nice man I married go? He's totally selfish and self absorbed and it's all about him, not the DC or me.