Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

I hit post to soon.

and I am so happy now and have gorgeous kids and stuff.

Hello!

Have been hiding as needed a break from thinking for va few days, didnt work! Head spinning all the time.

H and I meeting for a coffee 2moro nite, no expectations or pressures (relate speak), what r we supposed to talk about then?!

He came over sun to see dcs and made huge mess in my kitchen, left for me to tidy. Brewed up and gave myself 3 choices, say nothing but seeth quietly, tell him and risk a row, save up for relate and look petty.... chose to ring him and b straight, sounds easy but i was terrified, not of him but its a major change in me to say anything. So he apologised and i ended up feeling petty but hey!

Sad to read the shit days some have been having sending positive hugs to u all xxxx

IWMI - well done you and telling him. It is the hard thing to do, but you have showed you are getting stronger and braver. Not sure what you can talka bout, what is the out come you want? Is it just about money and access, or is it about your relationship and does it have a chance?

Today I feel better - I have been a bad girl and accessed his e mails. He has been on a dating website for over 6 months. So I sent him a message on there. Very satisfying.

Think he has moved in with someone rather than being on his own - thngs just don't add up.

So the grief has lessened, I am no angry now, that he was on the pull and living with us pretending all was well when he was just waiting to move on to someone else.

Told my mum this morning she is coming to visit. I knew she would go into panic mode - but will be good to have her here for a few days. Although that does me she will make me eat and I ahve done so well not eating and loosing some fat. - unlike the skinnies on here I could loose 2 stone and nobody notice.

Stay strong girls we deserve so much better than this crap.

Hope you are all doing ok.

Another h here who wants to talk although about what I dont know. He keeps on about going out for lunch but I have nothing to say to him. Keep going over everything that he has done to me and just full of anger and disgust towards him. Dont need to talk about contact or money as that is all done. He not been taking no as an answer but its not because he wants to work things out as he is still talking to the ow. Have an appointment now to get divorce petition drawn up next week. He not admitted adultery as yet so going for unreasonable behaviour which is going to be worse for him. He seems to think that we are going to meet today but we will see. He was meant to speak to dc last night on phone but he didnt bother ringing them.

Have just decided to get practical so come ladies lets think about things that need to be done:

Council tax - I am now a single person 25% reduction

Car Insurance - he is no longer on my insurance so that has to come down as he was a young driver with no NCD.

Tax credits - I have told him to pay only £200 a month as this entiles me to £117 tax credits.

Cancelled the dog insurance - he is not my dog.

Arrange own RAC cover - I was on his, waiting for Tesco vouchers to come through for this one.

That is it for me, but might add more.

Eve34, Do you work or are you a sahm? If your a sahm you might be entitled to other benefits. Ring your local jobcentre plus they will be able to advise you.

Well done Eve and CT10 - and any other ladies who have taken the brave step to snoop and find out the truth of why their husbands are behaving as they are. Think Pramspotter and I are cut from the same cloth. Nothing makes a previously reasonable man act like this other than another woman. I truly believe that no-one can make rational decisions about their future life (and those of the DCS) without all the facts.

Once you know the truth, I do think it helps you rationalise things and I suspect that once these men have their affairs exposed, all the ridiculous fantasy is stripped away. It helps them look at the OW in a new light and in many cases, they are found wanting.

I also suspect that once you all start taking action (as CT10 did forwarding on those E mails, well done that woman!) this portrays you in a different light to your DH. All of a sudden, you become a decisive, ballsy woman in your DH's life and not someone who is waiting for a vacillating partner to come to his senses. Happy Woman says the same, I think. Once she put things in motion legally, it was the turning point needed to get her DH to see what he was about to lose.

Even if he does come to his senses, you might decide that it is too little, too late. That is fine too - but at least you will be making an informed decision based on all the behaviour that led up to the end of the marriage.

Don't be afraid to fight dirty either. This is your life and none of you should feel in the least bit guilty about snooping, contacting the other woman or any other legal means of finding out information. Knowledge is power and I applaud those of you who have made it your business to find out.

What I'm seeing in the DHs here is that once the truth is out, all the really nasty behaviour and coldness diminishes. They have started to see you as a woman with desires and feelings again. They start to miss things about you (that's why they need to chat/have lunch with you) and start to realise that actually, OW does not meet their needs in the way they had thought.

Well done to all of you for keeping things together with your DCs. You all deserve a medal - and I assure you, life will look so different a year on from this point.

A year ago (even though I didn't know why at the time) I was having a crappy time with an emotionally distant DH. Following my discovery of WHY in September, we have both worked hard to produce what is now an amazing marriage. My life and general happiness could not be more different now, a year on.

I know with certainty that this could not have happened without endless talking and honestly, as soon as my DH had me to hold a mirror up to his behaviour (and the OW's web of lies) I don't think he would have realised just how awful he had been (and how truly awful she was).

This is a long-winded way of saying "get tough and find out as much as you can". Good luck and stay strong.

wwiFN - that is such a positive thing to write. I knew there was someone else. Men are simple, tehy like their comforts. And would not go to nothing. The frustrating things is this OW is exciting and new and I can't compete with that. She also clouds his judgement - because I pale into comparision. I don't think he will come back. He is selfish and just wants to have lots of sex - always a bone of contention between us.

The next chapter in life will be better and brighter.

wimh - it really cheered me up to read that you managed to chat to friend and that she was able to fill you in on what happened while you not there. Restores my faith in woman hood a little have to say!

eve - thats how I coped in the early days - just got on with practical stuff. Right now my m,ain issue is re-establishing my business and getting the debts from the old house cleared up.....not alot to clear but enough to concern me tbh

Well I have decided to spend some time taking care of H - you know baking him nice cakes and buying him little treats.....he is broke, lonely and very very unhappy :-( I know I could think sod him he deserves it - but at the moment I don't think he does. I think he needs help and so I am going to put aside my hurt and feelings for now and concentrate on his....tbh it'll help me stop wallowing in self pity if I focus on his needs for a couple of weeks. Incidentaly DCs are spectaculalry happy being back at the old school etc so I know I can afford to spend some time on H to see if it helps fix this mess we're in

Eve - my H started a profile on dating website too - what is it with these guys?! He'll soon see though that alot of what is on there isn';t a patch on his wife and kids!

CT10 - I will be reading with interest how this pans out for you - so pleased he's agreed to the relate!

pramspotter - oh indeed isn't it just the way! SO glad you had DCs and DH in tow when you saw him - LOVE it!

Eve

Glad my words helped. If you do think that is the attraction at the moment (lots of sex) do you think you would be brave enough, when you next see your DH, to say this:

"I do understand the thrill of the new and the excitement etc. I know we didn't have lots of sex when we were together and to be honest, I'm quite excited about having lots of exciting sex myself now with a new partner. I know now that my sexual needs were not being met for a long time and I owe it to myself to explore my sexuality with someone who understands me." Then smile, withdraw and be enigmatic. Go on, you know you can do it!!

WWIFN - oh I am going to pinch that too if thats ok!!! Brilliant!

WWIFN - that has really made me smile, he is coming over to talk, although I think it is about the fact that I have messaged some of his face book people asking them if they have got to know him personally.... so think he is on to my snooping. Tough tits.

I will keep it in mind whilst we chat though - watch this space

WWIFN - that has really made me smile, he is coming over to talk, although I think it is about the fact that I have messaged some of his face book people asking them if they have got to know him personally.... so think he is on to my snooping. Tough tits.

I will keep it in mind whilst we chat though - watch this space

wwifn, That is a great line!

My h doesnt think his ow is all about sex he loves her apparently. He turned up this afternoon to 'talk', all he said really was that he is seeing her but not in a relationship with her . Dont know how that works as surely its the same thing? How he is still texting her telling her he loves her and misses her and she is the first person he rings when he gets up. Nice. The point of all that was what exactly? Make me feel like shit well there you have it success! While I was standing there crying he just says 'wdyat dont do that please' and carried on playing with dc3. What does he expect me to do??! The ow parents have chucked her out as she was still seeing a married man and they dont want nothing to do with her. I cant believe how many lives they are out to wreck. I mean she must be something pretty fantastic for him to leave his dc over. I wouldnt not see my dc everyday for anyone.

He thinks I am vindictive and have handled everything completely wrong. All because the day he left and I found out I rang tax credits and jobcentre to sort out benefits. Does he really think I have thought straight through any of this and what is so wrong with sorting out the practical side of things.

I am 5 months down the line and we are no further on then we was at the start. When did all this bullshit become my life?! There is nothing I can say about how bad all this has made me feel as apparently he knows.. must be nice to know everything like he does.

wdyat - oh god what a git! First thing I did was sort out benefits - how can we not? We're suddenly having to worry about how we fee dth ekids overnight.

H so far is adament there is no other woman but I am beginning to wonder now about a facebook chum.....oh god I just don't know where to go next.

Just want him to come home and stop pissing about

TSL, My point on all this is how could I not sort out the practical things like money. He left me with 3dc aged 8,4 and 6weeks(at the time) and not a penny. My mum had to lend me money for food for when we got home I really didnt have a penny. Now he is moaning that I havent put money in the bank and wants to know exactly what benefits I am getting. He is a git. I think I hate him you know, although saying that earlier I was crying and would have done anything for him to say 'wdyat I have been a complete idiot take me back I am so sorry'. He isnt sorry and I dont think he ever will be. I am just hoping that the moment he does realise what he has done I dont want him. It feels so surreal.

My friend has just had a baby and I cant even bring myself to visit her as I am jealous that her h is there with her and unlike mine who spent the day/first few weeks of our dc3 life meeting his ow and making me feel like I was going mad. They have even been walking her dog together! So silly I know but it just feels like the birth of my dd is overshadowed by him and ow.

I thought I was getting somewhere and then there he is with another knive to stab in my back. Fucking cock.

Hi Mns, well H has managed to get away from the the clutches of ow. He went completely AWOL today, texted me to say ring office and tell them he would be in later and that he was turning his phone off. I was expecting him to be silent for a couple of hours but, nothing at all, he didn't go into office and he hadn't rung the staff. By 5.00pm I was getting frantic as his state of mind has not been good and he said he was on the edge and had thought of doing a Reggie Perrin. I phoned everyone I could think of and nobody had heard from him.

Anyway, he finally phoned at 6.00pm - told me it had taken all this time to get away. Told ow that he needed to be on his own and needed space and that he didn't love her (she thought he was lying), he left it that he would think about it over the weekend and let her know. Told me this was the only way to do it as they are a "rough" family and he was scared. Have since look at H facebook page and there is a picture of ow's brother on there who lives with her - I can see why H was scared - what the fuck was he thinking !

Anyway he is at his mum's apparently and we are going to Relate tomorrow so watch this space.

Had a long chat with H last night, he has admitted he has some serious psychological problems about something that happened in his childhood that he hasn't told anyone. He said I had never given up on him no matter what he did.....

He sent a text to my DS1 (16, ASD and at SN boarding school) as DS1 was really struggling with what H had done and had sent him some really abusive, agressive texts (deserved!). The poor kid is in the middle of his GCSEs, anyway here it is:

E, please, please accept my heartfelt apologies for the way I have treated your mum, you and yors bothers. It was inexcusable and I have acted disgracefully and you all deserve so much better. After looking into my heart, I realise how much I love your mum, you and the boys. I have left where I was and moved back to my mums so that I can do everything within my power to start to make amends for my actions. Your mum is a very special lady and I have been a complete fool. I completely respect everything you have text me and I realise how selfish and arrogant I have been. I do not deserve your forgiveness but I hope that you believe this apology is from the heart and that I want to show you mum, you and your bros how much I love you and in time I hope we casn start to build our relationships and I can prove to be the man I should be. I love you all so much and hope I can prove this to you all over time xx

I sincerely hope H means every word he says.

Will let you all know how Relate goes.

Ct10 I really hope this all works out. Sometimes people do need to lose what they have before they appreciate it and it sounds as though your h is one of them. He sounds as though he is truly sorry, and a bit like he thought he had started to make his bed with ow, and couldn't see a way out.

You saved him. He seems to see that now. I wish you all good things and happiness. Good luck at relate honey.

One more thing I would add, some people will interfere, with best intentions, and tell you that you are being silly taking him back, make him suffer etc etc. Let me tell you, it takes more strength to work these things through and build on it than to turn your back and walk away.

Xxx

CT10 that is so lovely. What a wonderful heartfelt text he sent your son. It is so hopeful. xxxx

Thanks everyone - we are taking things very slowly.

seenitdoneit, had a long chat with my mum last night who's been married for 45 yrs and with 4 DC. She is reserving judgment because nothing is black and white and she said some things to me about her marriage in the early years when we were all very young so she knows things are never simple and maybe nobody works at a marriage anymore....

Counting to 10 - I have everything crossed for you.

Well ladies we are all still hanging on there. It has been a funny 24 hours. I have had most of DP famiyl on the phone, shocked at what has happened, I explained that things are never as they seem on the outside.

We are all hoping that sometime will bring him to his senses.

He came to talk yesterday - he doesn't feel the same way anymore but loves me out of loyalty, thinks I a bet, kindest person he knows and a great Shag.

Said that this is enough to build on for DS sake.

I see a very small chink and I live in hope that it is something we can start from.

Although I know deep down it isn't I have to hang on to the maybe....

CT10 its fantastic that your mum is being so supportive and open minded. Its so much more productive and useful than people being obstructive and negative.

Good luck sweety.
xx