Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

How are you Eve34? Did going to doctors help? Mind gave me some diazepan for the first week to cope with the anxiety. Didn't take them all, kept some for emergencies

See solicitor, not entitled to legal aid until I sign on for Job Seekers Allowance. H wants to work on marriage so she feels that we should go down that route, get him to agree to go to Relate with me (which he has done ) and sort out the financial mess we are in. Worst case scenario, I will be on my own with DC, in rented accommodation on housing benefit and income support - hey ho!

H is very contrite today, took two youngest DC to see him in his office before school, he was struggling to control his tears as he hug them, kept telling me he loved me and was truly, truly sorry. Realised now the damage he had done to everyone. Was horrified at how thin I was (I do look pretty awful - as he said something from Belsen). It's hard to eat when it sticks in throat.

He is making plans to stay between a friends house and his mum's (if his dad will allow him (doesn't want to see or speak to him atm)).

I am still so confused though. I suppose I will be happy when I see actions.

I hope your doing ok Eve34 and the drs could help you.

WIMH, I too would be cross with him going to the friends house. But as someone else says maybe it was more the husbands idea and the wife wasnt too keen. I think you do just get sick of it in the end. Enjoy your yummy food .

CT10, Thats good news that your h wants to try to sort things out and is realising just what he has done. Even the fact he has agreed to go to relate is good. I understand that you are confused, are you going to try relate? It could help.

My h was in strange mood when he dropped the dc of last night. Asked me if I have a boyfriend . Follwed it up with a well I wouldnt blame you then quickly with a I would feel sorry for the bloke if you did! Countdown now till the end of the week when he has to return the signed letter to solicitors wonder if he will do it. And also his phone bill hits the mat this week, wonder just how high that is going to be with all his texting his ow!

Told me that he would always love me but part of him also loves the ow and he realises how stupid it is. Told me he isnt still seeing her but is in contact as wants to make sure she is ok. Funny that considering he couldnt even ring his dc last week to see if they were ok.

These bloody men. Do they not see the hurt tehy are causing, why can't tehy be content with what they have, a good family life etc etc.

Tehy want it all don't they.

GP has given me diazapam. which is what I wanted, am all ready on AD's if it wasn't for my lovely DS I would want to die.

Have told my sister today and been to my dad's they have been very supportive. I can't bring myself to tell my mum.

CTT - at least he can see something - I wish I had that. Maybe if you really can't eat how about the complain drinks just to give you something?

Hope you lovely ladies are all taking very good care of yourselves. We deserve better.

We are going to go to Relate together - just waiting for them to phone through with an appointment. I will chase them tonight - we don't have a proper Relate office here, it's an out post or something.

Wow everyone has been so busy the past 2 days.

CT10 that sounds so hopeful xxx He told you he loved you?!! How wonderful... so so full of hope xxxxx He does sound like he is realising he has messed up.

Eve Eve - Glad you told some of your family, you need some support to carry you through the next few days. Oh honey, he lifts you up then drops you down from a huge height. Can't pretend eh??? I hope the diazepam help. Wish my GP would give me stronger tablets or increase my dose. Or someone put me to sleep for a year so I wake up when it doesnt hurt.

Dont these selfish lazy shallow men not understand that you work at love??? You build it!!! It doesnt magically come and go- they have to be lazy or talk themselves out of loving you, so the opposite is to make an effort and talk themselves back into loving you as you can definitely get it back!!!!! They just have to want to enough, to stick in there. It's an action, a verb, not a feeling. It just feels like a feeling because you are DOING it.

CT10 Hope your relate appointment comes through soon. Hope it all goes ok for you.

Eve, Glad you have told your family that must be a weight of your mind. Tell your mum in your own time. I have a really close relationship with mine and without her (and of course my other family) I wouldnt have been able to function at all in the early days.

WIMH, Mine is full of it that he does understand that and will even say he loves me but in what way he dont know . He even says he understands that what he feels for the ow is different to us as after 10yrs and 3dc its not the same as when you first meet someone. I just dont think he does get it and probally wont for some time if he ever does! Hope you have been ok.

Friend rang to see how I was doing. I think she was aware she had just seen my H without me there with DCs on Sunday. She told me (my) H isnt talking and doesnt seem happy. She said he was clearly missing children, he was hanging on their every move (not how DC describe it, they said H was ignoring them, so nice to hear another side) and she was glad to see my DC as she knew they were OK when over at their house.

She told me her H had made my H back late with my DC to me, as he was late making tea for everyone. She said H was quite stressed about being late.

We talked about having a few BBQ at my house (in my big garden which H no longer has!!) over the summer to make the most of the house before DC & I might have to sell it. She thought that was a great idea. I also think it would be a great idea to invite all our friends and DCs, as it would be like old times, but without H there the other H's can man the BBQ for me. See life goes on without H, he is the one who will miss out.

WDYAT ta for asking. Yes, I'm OK today. Bit teary at work. Had a few wobbles. Mainly because I'm still struggling why H would throw away a perfectly good marriage, and self destruct like this. H seems to fall in the camp of people who dont appreciate all the good things they already have around them, as too busy looking for new things to make him happy, when really its himself that he should be happy with, not outside things.

I think I will be OK, once I get over the grief bit, but I wonder whether H will ever re-engage with the world and understand that he did this to himself, not anyone else.

Still would put his ashes down the drain though if I get the chance!

Then fill the urn up with dust from the dyson and give it to his mum. (So that I dont upset her in anyway. Only me, the wind and his ashes would know where he really was).

What would you girls do, if you have a chance to do something without consequences?

WDYAT Good I'm glad he understands that about love. It's a first step. I think the infatuation with OW will pass as those things usually do when they are only based on
the lust part of love and nothing else.
Have you read Relate's "I love you but am not in love with you"?

WIMH, Thats nice that your friend rang you. She probally did feel on edge about it all and didnt know what to do. My h falls into that camp too. Its him that is unhappy but he is putting the blame everywhere but himself. He is really playing the 'poor me' card which is frustrating as this is all HIS doing. No I havent read that book, maybe I will have a look on amazon. I have tried to tell him that it is an infatuation with her and that its not real love but I swear he thinks that is just the bitter part of me trying to mock him and his feelings. He is quite open about the fact that they have no future together (many factors, her age, her family etc) so what he is sitting around waiting for I dont know.

When the dc were dropped off the other day he asked me to go out to lunch with him today to talk. After thinking about it though I decided its not a good idea. While he is still in contact with the ow we really dont have much to talk about. I sent him a text saying as much and not heard from him since. This is also frustrating as he shows little concern for my feelings but I know that he is concerned for the ow feelings and how she is doing. I even told him recently that one day he will realise what he has done and would do anything to come back and he just answered yes and you will take great pleasure in telling me to fuck off and then laughed. I dont know if he does understand that one day, at some point he will have that moment. Or maybe he wont and its just wishful thinking on my part as yes I would take great pleasure in telling him its too little too late!

Hmm now there is a question, what would I do if there was no consequences, think I will have to think about that one! I would probally do a whole host of things. Starting with telling the ow's deeply religious family exactly what she was upto!

Morning all.

CT10 - hope the relate goes well, wish I had that chance.

I feel so grief stricken I am lost. I never thought I would be like this. We have had a tough year, and he has some horrible trates, short temper, sharp touge (sp) he awlays dismiss DS and has little patience with him. I was coming to the end of the road with us. But hung in there for DS to have a family life which I never had. It wasn't great but it was better than this.

For all the hard times I felt I was able to seperate myself from him, but I am so sad it is killing me.

DP is taking DS to his mothers this weekend, I just don't know how I am going to cope without him. He has been my life for nearly 3 years. I have no friends, no one to see and no where to go. I will just sit and wait for him to come home.

How do I go about building a life. I find it so hard to meet new people and I don't think I can go out there now and put on a show.

On the up side I have discussed with XDP about the house and stuff, and he just realising that 1 I will manage financially without him and 2 he is going to walk away from this house with nothing. I have told him he needs to get his own place so he can have DS to stay. He told me he was sad that I didn't want him coming round and spending time in the house. I told him it gives me false hope and breaks my heart each time he goes to leave.

i just want this pain to stop.

Hi MNs

Still here. Have popped home for lunch today, as have half day off work. Completely lost all week. But still putting one foot infront of the other.

Has anyone any advice on how to come to terms with H walking out then cutting you off? How do you get over it? How are you supposed to view your life after then. I feel so alone.

Eve I am so sorry you're having a terrible few days. The pain is awful isnt it. I have to keep snapping myself out of it or I cant breath or keep going. Can you make a plan for the weekend to keep yourself busy? Just emailed you as we live so close.

Hi everyone, I think we are all struggling atm. Maybe it's the realisation of everything.

Have a Relate appointment for Thursday lunchtime. H says he is coming to it with me.

Really not sure what I feel about anything anymore, I think I need to concentrate on myself only and try not to think about him. Everyone is saying how can I forgive him etc, and I just don't know.

Wishing that H could see me clearly, rather than this person he makes up in his head and gets angry with. He keeps accusing me of doing things that make him angry but it's all in his head in how he interprets things. My friends keep telling me, it's him, not you, he has the problem. But I dont know how to deal with that. Keep trying to tell myself that I cant fix him, if he's an idiot and wants to think that way, there's nothing I can do or should do, except live without him.
Frustrating as this is all such unneccesary heartache. I never wanted to be in this position.

He'll might very well come around but you may have moved on by then, with someone who makes you a lot happier.

H supposed to be leaving house of ow tonight/tomorrow morning. She is working until 10.00pm tonight and he thinks he will leave it until morning so no late night histrionics. Reckons he will pack his stuff up in morning whilst she is at work and then tell her he's gone. Apparently she has already said she will be devastated if he leaves (he's only been there 3 weeks !). I just said you were too concerned when you upped and left me and the kids which he acknowledged. My H can never take control of anything. When he needs to sack a member of staff, he makes their life so uncomfortable that they hand in their notice - that's the way he does things. He was hoping his behaviour with this woman would make her ask him to go but it hasn't so now he know he has to tell her and go prior to Relate appointment.

Been around here today to tell the kids that daddy has been very silly and was sorry and was hoping to make things better, so I suppose that is a positive step. He will not be moving back here straightaway - we will be taking advice from Relate. I won't be happy until he is away from that woman.

Told me he couldn't orgasm when having sex with her without thinking of me - like I wanted to know. I suppose it was said to make me feel better . He also maintains nothing happened until he left me so, as he said, in his head he hadn't betrayed me as he had left me . Sort of Friends "we were on a break" which I said to him and he told me to stop making him laugh !

I think the woman has stalking potential . My H never does things by halves.

My brain is still going round and around and around.

We'll see what tomorrow brings ......

Pramspotter I missed you!! I know you have given me lots of words of wisdom over the past few weeks, could really do with some more. I hope that does happen but know the best thing to do is not wait around & to try to be happy (I've been laughing today!) as a. it's more likely to happen and b. I wont care by then.

Is this how it goes? I'm so up and down, hating him, missing him, hating who he is now, devastated at losing the kind man he used to be, angry at him for changing and being so suddenly selfish and shallow.

Am trying to be kind and nice and stay who I am, but it is difficult. He seems to want to set up impossible situations where he can then say I'm being unreasonable if I dont go along with everything. It's a mind game I cant play. I am trying to step back and let him just get on with it and not engage.

Is there anything I can do to help me get over this. To help grieve quicker and move on?

CT10 GOOD!!! SOOOOO glad he is leaving OW's house. Cant believe he is "worried about upsetting her". I am so hopeful for you. Fingers crossed. Let us know how Relate goes... xxxxx

PS CT10 weird he told you about the thinking of you /orgasm bit!!
I think in his own way, he's trying to make you feel better. Umm no... Men, they have such strange thoughts. Anyway, it's such a good start that he's talking about you as being the most important thing and how he's messed up.

Brilliant that he told the DCs too that Daddy had been silly. That cant have been easy for him and shows a committment.

Yes wimh, his honesty is so weird.

I think we are beginning to reconnect but I think he is genuinely scared of this woman and what she could do. He told me one of his friends went round to see him at her house and took him to one side and said "I've been somewhere like that and you need to get out now!" In other words, she is a complete nutter. Basically, he told me that if she found out he was coming back to me she would make some phone calls . I just said if anything happens, we know who is the cause. Unfortunately, she knows my car, where I live and where my H's office is which is slightly scary and is why my H is staying away for a bit.

I really don't know wht to think about anything anymore - I've just got to wait and see.

WIMH - thank you for the e mail, I will get back to you :-)
CT10 - we all want to get back to the place it was good, I hope your DH is prepared to put in some hard work and rebuild your trust. So glad you have that opportunity.

Well been another difficult day, tears here there and everywhere.

Done some fishing and found that xdp has been on a dating website, I went looking for his profile got to the first 50 and gave up, so got to go back to it and will pop up and say hi to him. haha.

Although I have had a few winks whilst on there makes me feel sick. Can't imagine 'being' with anyone else. Had lots of contact with his family, saying they can't believe it - I just hope they talk some reason into him.

Am I pathetic to want him back?

No Eve34, you are not pathetic to want him back. I think we all think like that, we want to go back to before they left etc, and maybe put right what was going wrong (if we know what is was).

It's never going to be the same for me if we get back together - it's a whole new relationship.

Hello,

You are doing really well guys. Just you wait until you are in new, healthy, solid relationships. You'll look at your h's with pity and feel embarrassed and sad for them!! It may take a long time but believe me, it will happen. Even if these fuck ups find wonderful new gf's, they'll just screw those relationships up like they screwed up what they had with you.

Your h's are dysfunctional tossers and always will be.

I once had my heart so broken by a boyfriend of 5 years. He went off with someone else and I was sick and gutted for months. He and OW made me look like such a fool, they were intentionally cruel. I couldn't get out of bed, or go to school. It was horrid. I even contemplated the big S. I was so young and he was my first.

Ran into this very same ex recently while I had my dh and gorgeous kids in tow. Ex hasn't had a gf in about 3 years and is the loneliest saddest dork you ever saw. He was going on and on about things that have happened to him, lost his job, lives with mum etc etc. The man is a complete fuck up. Dh and I felt so bad for the poor, pathetic little shit. Dh bought him a coffee out of pity. Why was I so gutted over him 10 years ago?

Fast forward to 10 years later.