Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WIMH - gosh I am sorry you've had a shit couple of days.....how are you doing? SOunds like solicitor was great help. You know in time you will look back on your time with H as being a different, repressed and sufficated you - not the gregarious and wonderfully content lady you will become. Honestly.

As for me - I haven't been around as utterly devastated to have miscarried. It was like losing my Husband all over again. What a double kick in the teeth.

oh and definately do waitrose - it makes me feel so wonderful waltzing around waitrose!

Have managed to get hold of his phone tonight and do not like his new friend fish who is missing him.....

Tosser

Silverlining I'm SO sorry to hear your terrible news. I don't know what to say. Am thinking of you darling. Keep strong. Xxx

So sorry Silverlining, it's devastating to miscarry at whatever stage. Please take of yourself.

Had a terrible night myself - couldn't sleep as H has really messed with my mind. Sent him some texts which I really don't care about - I feel he is still playing me for a fool. I will still go to the solicitors on Monday, I feel he needs a really big wake up call.

He is making me feel really ill again, another one here with size 6 falling off her.

I don't know where it will all end, bankruptcy, repossession, insolvancy. His journey to self destruction is almost complete and he has taken me and the kids on it with him .

Thesilverlining I am so so sorry honey that you lost your baby. I wish I could give you a big hug in RL and sit and be still with you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CT10 It's so worrying everything he is doing. He does sound so self destructive. Will he go to the GPs, perhaps some anti-depressants might help him get more rational, as he doesnt seem to be operating in the real world that has consequences.

I think your plan of not relying on him, and getting to the solicitors is a good idea. At least then you have some control and you have life planned with or without him. Then he has to fit around you and rejoin the real world if he is to come back. Size 4 is far too small. Please try to eat something.

Eve Hmmmm, another woman? That so doesnt help when they go outside the marriage, he should have been talking to you not someone else.

I am getting fed up with H's treatment of me. He left us, he changed and he's treating me like I am the bad one here. He is so vitriolic to me, I cant understand where it is all coming from. He laughed at me this morning when I asked him to stop behaving so badly and just try to be nice about it all.
I cant understand how he can just switch off so entirely. He's busy building his life with the DC, his work, his social life , where he lives - everything without me. What did I do that was so wrong so horrible that he has to completely cut me out. I dont get it. Did he never want a loving wife?

They are all messing with our minds.

Can I add to this thread?
I started a thread yesterday titled 'Please can anyone offer me some support? Abusive ex. Can't think straight'

I feel so crap today. How could he turn his back on his family. The more I think bout it, the more i think he is seeing the OW again, his x. I don't know why it bothers me, i should just be happy he has fucked off, but i am left holding the baby 100%, and he is off having a life of riley!!

It's so bloody lonely on my own, all my friends are busy and hooked up today.

Wish I could meet up with a few other mums, just to get out of house.

My head is in bits today. I think I am just having a bad day.

Thesilverlining, I am so sorry to hear that. Take good care of yourself. Thinking of you.

CT10, He really does sound like he is on self destruct at the moment. I hope he sees the consequences of all this soon.

WIMH, Thanks I had a great night out very well needed.

Well I am home alone today h has got the dc till 5pm and I feel really lost not having any plans. Think its going to be a lazy day to get over my hangover night out.

H was in a strange mood today saying that he isnt in a relationship with ow still but isnt going to contest that part of the solicitors letter as it will end up costing too much money. Lame excuse. If he really wasnt still seeing her he would fight it as he wouldnt want it being on record that he was. He thinks I am blowing hot and cold and doesnt get why, think its because I have had my head messed with.

Having doubts about everything today. I never wanted a divorce and didnt want my life to be like this packing off the dc every other weekend. Want my old life back and my old h before he turned into this person he is today. Maybe its just because I am tired.

WDYAT - I think that is how we are all feeling.

I think I really need to get extremely tough but it's hard when you have loved someone for so long.

CT10 and WDYAT I think you're right. None of us wanted this. But it isnt within our control. So we do need to focus on ourselves and being happy on our own with the DC. I know in my head that this is the only way forward, but it's going through the grieving stage that I am stuck on. I miss my H, before he changed to this new selfish person.

Either our H will realise the error of their ways when they have had time on their owns to sort out their mess/heads, discover what idiots they have been and what they have lost, and then beg to return to their family and wives. OR they wont care and will live their new lives with no heart, having destroyed perfectly good families and left perfectly wonderful women. Which means they weren't worth our love or all our angst now.

I know that in my head. But my heart is still hoping. I cant get it into my stupid stupid heart that he wont suddenly come back and say oh dear darling I've made a huge mistake. He has gone too far and will be on this path much longer than I could ever bear to wait for. He needs to be lonely on his own each night to have time to miss what he had. He is too much of a workaholic to give himself time at home, he'll be worse now he has no reason to come home for. I know he'll just start going out after work with work colleagues too, and then seeing the DC each wed and alternate weekends (cos if I didnt agree to each wed, he wouldnt pay the mortgage), he'll be exactly the part time father he always wanted to be. He is staying with his tossfriend at the moment so he has company and none of that is real yet.

When you love someone, it's difficult to turn it off like a tap. I wish I was as callous as my H, so it hurt less. But I know I am who I am and he was lucky to have had me in his life for the years he did precisely because I am more loveable and caring than he is. I keep thinking, if he died tomorrow, who would go to his funeral? And then, as his NOK at the moment, I can put his ashes down the drain.

OK, obviously a bit angry at him underneath. Spent the day with my friend, went for pub lunch. Cried. Then told her my plan to put his ashes down the drain if he died tomorrow, which she thought was hilarious!!

Sparklefrog Sorry to hear what is going on with your life. I dont know what to say to help. You say he was abusive and that you should be glad. But it's hurting anyway. He might seem like he is living the life of riley, but you have your gorgeous baby. Not him. Is he having the baby at any time for you? You desperately do need other mums in RL to go out with. Can you contact the NCT or your Health visitor to ask about mums groups near you? I met most of my mum friends through NCT and at school gates. They kept me sane with small children.

WDYAT

Am glad you had a good night, and it sounds like you had a few drinks too!!

I think your instinct is right, you cant prove adultry unless he agrees to sign the divorce petition on grounds of his adultry- so it would be easy for him to deny it. (Unless you'd been watching lots of American TV and hired a PI who took incriminating photos but I dont think that happens in real life).

It must feel very tiring what he is doing to you, all the ups and downs. Did you go to bed, have a lazy day? I hope you are feeling bit better this afternoon after having had a rest and more able to cope with contact with H.

WIMH, Your right about if they have the wake up call moment or not. I just have to keep that fact in my head! Understand that it takes a while for your heart to catch up with everything that is going on. I feel a bit like that too. The whole thing just feels so surreal. My h finally has the life he wanted, he can go and do exactly what he wants when he wants and only has to spend every other weekend with the dc. Although today he said its not much cop living with your parents and not having any money. Oh dear nevermind eh.

Yes I went back to bed for a few hours still feel tired but am up and waiting for the dc now. Not got much done around the house but it was nice to just laze around for a few hours. No, no pi or incriminating photos. Do have the other phone still though with lots of porn interesting texts on it.

Like your idea about the ashes!

I have tried to explain to my h that you cant just turn your feelings off like a tap I dont think he understands it because he has been switching his off for such a long time.

Sparklefrog just wanted to second what wimh said baby groups etc are a great place to meet other mums and make friends. I have some really good ones from toddler groups and now all the dc are at school they are a great help. Speak to your hv and she will be able to point you in the right direction.

DC come back from their day with daddy. Funnily enough they spent most of the time at our joint friends house, being cooked tea by them and DCs playing with friend's DCs; and earlier out at a cafe for lunch feeding the DCs and giving them treats all day. Should I be surprised that he has the money for treats and not enough to pay our mortgage? He was half hour later than agreed bringing them back, then kept them 15 minutes saying goodbye - so only just got them to bed with no time to read their school books.

I left out a jumper of his that had been left dirty under the bed and belt I found, and packet of pistachio nuts for him to take. He took one look at them before he left and said he didnt want any of them. He has lots of his stuff packed up neatly in loft, happy to leave them here as he's getting me to sort out his stuff by default!!! So, what was I supposed to do with them? Neatly wash the jumper and undo the bags upstairs to repack those in as well?? He just ignored me & drove off. OK, didnt want them, gone in the bin outside. Taking him literally now.

Is this what happens? You just get sick of them taking the michael?

Feeling angry at our joint friends for letting H go round their on his weekend with the DC, and cooking him tea.

Know I am being unreasonable, but it feels like a betrayal. I am close friends with the wife, and he only met the hubbie through me.

Is this how it normally feels.
I never expected people to take sides, but I want someone to slap him up the head and make him think hard about what he is doing. Not make it easy for him.

WIMH, I think that is what happens, we finally get fed up with them. H texted me today saying he wasn't well, felt strange and spent all day in bed (ow's I assume) and that we would speak tomorrow. Well I have had enough, he keeps messing with my mind, I've been crying on and off most of the weekend and I really can't take anymore of his mindfucking (excuse my language). Anyway, I texted back that unless he was going to say what I wanted to hear, we had nothing to discuss but money and kids.

Seeing solicitor tomorrow so that will probably be another emotional drain.

His parents came round to see me and the DC, his father doesn't to see or speak to him after what he has done and his mum is just worried about his mental health.

I just don't want to feel this bad ever again. I have a friend who says there should be a law against it - it is GBH. The pain is almost unbearable at times.

WIMH - its so frustrating isn't it? In your position I would be livid about the "friend" situation. is it worth seeing if its mentioned next time you see her and if not then assume they have defected and you possibly need to cross her off your xmas list? It could be that the men folk arranged it and the wife just went along with it to be polite - she may be seethign on your behalf....see what she says next time you see her and take a view from there.

I'd be gutted I have to say....

countingto10 - oh I hear you really I do....you have invested a lot of time and energy in your marriage and like you say 4 DCs who deserve a happy family. HOWEVER do not let him take the mick out of you by havign his cake and eat it - he can't have you and the OW - thats not cricket!

WDYAT - oh gosh yes I understand that....I feel that despite everything the ass has done over the past weeks - I just want to brush it all under the rug and carry on with our married life as igf nothign happened. I don't think its tiredness hun I think its the fact that you didn't choose this to happen. Only natural I think to want to get your old life back! I know I want my H back so bad today it hurts.

Does anyone else find that they actually physically hurt when they think abotu their H? I just want him home - I miss him so much....evrytime I see him it makes me feel ill - I hate him but adore him if that makes sense?!

Yes TSL I know what you mean, I physically hurt too. The pain is unbearable, deep down like labour was but it is going on and on and I cant forsee a point in the near future when it will stop.

I feel so angry at him that he is walking away so easily and can just cut off his emotions like this. What a FU he is. How dare he do this to me, to us. How dare he do this to our gorgeous little DCs. How dare he mess around with our security. We always shared everything and suddenly it's all about HIM. It makes me so and

These H have no thought for others, those they should care about most.

CT10 I think you are doing the right thing by going to the solicitors. It is SO lovely that your MIL and FIL are angry at him for doing this and so supportive to you and your DC. It's good to have them on your side, as it might be the thing that helps him see he is an idiot.

My SIL told my H he was an idiot & would regret it as we were great together, and he told her to butt out and mind her own business. She usually is the type to mind her own business, so it said something that she told him that. My MIL is one of those people that "don't do" emotions, she just says "shit happens" and accepts whatever happens. She has been ringing me to say hello but not talk about anything.

I cant help but think he never had boundaries growing up (H used to run wild in Sierra Leone where his parents were ex-pats drinking all the time, or too strict boundaries at boarding school which were imposed on him until he had to leave at 15 as his dad became terminally ill and he went off the rails) so he doesnt know how to do normal family life and self censure his behaviour.

censor? How do you spell that word?

thesilverlining, as my friend said it is GBH - the pain is unbearable. I still can't eat properly, drinking lots of milk etc. I'm so skinny everyone is worried about me. I was 6 and half stone about 3 days ago - I haven't dared step on the scales since. Not getting much sleep either because of DS4 keep waking in the night.

Hope I feel better in the morning but sometimes it justs hits you like a freight train again.

CT10 I am so worried about you, 6 1/2 stone is tiny. Your DC will be bigger than you soon if you are not careful!
It sounds like you're not getting much sleep either with DC4 waking up. And having to deal with all the stuff H is doing too as well as his flickering on and off.
You need a break, a rest and a good meal out somewhere.

Are your PIL helpful in a practical way, could they take kids to give you a break so that you can go to bed and have a sleep? It wont catch you up to date with your sleep, but would be a good start...

Is there anyone who could babysit for a night, so you could go out to a friend's for dinner with them? At least you wont have had to cook then, and you wont have to constantly interrupt your meal to help kiddies eat.

Sending you a big squeezy hug xxxxxxxx

TSL OOoh did Sainsburies instead of Asda. It was LOVELY. But regretting it as spent £100 for 1/2 shopping trolley when I was expecting £50 (as it costs me £100 for full shopping trolley at Asdas). I nearly fainted at the till. Gosh Sainburies is a clearly better class of shop than I'm used to. Thank goodness I didnt go to Waitrose. That'll teach me to add it up as we go round next time.

At least I have lots of yummy food in now.

Morning all.

Silver linning - I am sos osrry to hear your news. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling at this moment. Hope those that love you and care about you are near by.

WIMH - think you speak very wise words - it is a grief like a death and needs to be treated accordingly. understand you being upset with your friend. it iks just another hurt.

counting to 10 - please try and eat something. you need to keep strong.

DP admitted he has met someone else but it is not physical. we cried and talked and made plans to build on what we have. We had a lovely day yesterday, but at the end of the day he said he can't pretend. so it has come to the end of the road.

how can he?

I have the doctors at 9, can't get through this.