Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WDYAT, good I am glad she is nothing special for you. What an idiot. She cant be anywhere near as nice either, otherwise she wouldnt have got involved with a married man. Double idiot.

WDYAT I think you should keep your ring for the time being in your jewellery box and see how you feel about it in a year or so's time.

Yes, these particular Hs are behaving in an incredibly selfish and shallow way. They are ruining their characters, I am convinced you are the pattern of what you do.

I probally sound like a bitch for saying it but if I thought she was attractive I would honestly say. As it is I just cant see it! She is young only just 19 although when I was that age I knew not to get involved with a married man!

WDYAT you dont sound bad for saying it at all. It adds to the 'doesnt make any sense' part of what he is doing. He clearly isnt thinking. If she isnt stunning at 19, then really doesnt bode well for her...

Sorry joining in with the FFS-ing with you!!!

Thats ok! Join in as much as you like!! No it doesnt bode well .

Do you feel slightly more in control now having seen your solicitor?

Um yes. It did help seeing the solicitor today. It was my solicitor's colleague was she is away this week. This solicitor told me that H is manipulating me when we talked about what had happened this week. He said he has seen it repeatedly with City men who are dominant characters as earning the money my H does, affects their characters and they use it as a power thing. He said I seemed like a nice caring woman who deserved to feel safe and not under someone else's control. He wrote a really mild innocous divorce petition reason - we had to give about 4 reasons to show his unreasonable behaviour - and solicitor was really sensitive to my worry not to write anything that would aggravate H. I have to still be co-parent with him.

I liked the bit where he wrote sthg like (not word for word.. but you get the gist)
Respondant went to 6 sessions of Relate to work on the marriage where he identified that he had anger issues from his uprbringing and he agreed to attend individual counselling for this. Five days later Respondant left the marital home & refused to arrange individual counselling to deal with the route cause of the marital breakdown. (cant quite remember how solicitor worded it in final sentence, his read better and more innocuous than that)

I dont know why, but it made me feel better (it's a closed document) how nicely & simply the solicitor put it.

You also must feel good, WIMH, because after your visit to the solicitor, you're starting to get back a semblance of control in your life.

Your H won't be able to whip the rug from under you like that ever again because you won't let him.

You should feel very proud of yourself.

I feel calmer having been to solicitor's today (it's my 3rd visit, on Legal Aid).
But I also felt really bereft and was very tearful this afternoon. So if you do go to a solicitor, be aware that your mood might crash when you get home. It makes it so much more real. You can suddenly think when you're in the solicitors office ... why am I here, when did it come to this, this shouldnt be us...

I quietly cried my heart out this afternoon.

Thank-you WW that is such a positive way of looking at it.

Thats for all of you.

Still feeling lost, kinda want to just get on with life on my own, now hes mucked that up too! But baby steps and we might be able to forgive the past..

Think of the crying as washing away the pain, cleansing.
You have to carry on but it seems so unfair, they can be so selfish and we cant, but thats why we r the stronger sex maybe.

WIMH, I felt the same after my 1st visit to solicitor. Think that is why my h was all sarcastic on the phone he realises that slowly he is now loosing control of the situation.

We havent got as far as the petition yet as he has to confirm he has had an affair. He has had a month to do so and hasnt now he has 7 days, so on countdown now.

IWMI, Hope you dont feel as lost soon. Its hard and thats a nice way to put it about the tears. I think this thread shows that we are stronger then what we think all the crap everyone has going on yet everyone is still getting up and taking dc to school, dealing with very little dc, jobs and houses. The h's seem to be wallowing in self pity of a situation they have created.

Hi MNs
First day of H taking kids Sat and Sun for weekend. Part of me thinks phew I can go back to bed to get some sleep, then go shopping to get a few new pairs of jeans that dont hang on me.

The other part of me is bereft at the thought of not having my DC with me for 2 days.

H is angry with me all the time, he treats me as if I am the one who is doing all these terrible things (what???) and everything is my fault. I am trying to remind myself that whatever world he is in now, it's all him, his problem, all his own doing. He created this heartache and is trying to drag us all into it.

WDYAT Do you want H to confirm he has had an affair for the petition?

morning all,

Sorry I have been missing for a while, you all sound so string and getting things in order.
It has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride here. DP said he would return home and work through things he changed his mind a few days later and has not surfaced since Thursday.
He text to say he could take DS to his mums for the week to give me a break, as I pointed out that he had been away for the past 6 week ends. - Not whatI wanted. I want him to come and spend some time with his son.
So back to the start. He wants some space, not communicating with me and is having a great time.

Whereismumhiding - please do get in touch if you want someone to talk to. I am only down the road.

e mail me if you like evepayler at hotmail dot com.

Sounds like you have had a really tough few days.

Can always take the children to soft play?

WIMH, Yes to divorce on grounds of adultery he has to confirm that he did infact commit adultery. If he doesnt its unreasonable behaviour because of his relationship with the ow.

My h also has the dc this weekend although only for tonight. I have a nice night out planned with an old friend. I too have got the new jeans as old ones were just falling down all the time! Have to make more effort to eat now though as these are a size 6 and a little loose, not good. Do you think they know how much them going off like this impacts on our physical well being as well? Guess not as they all seem to be so wrapped up in their own little worlds.

WIMH, Do you have plans to get out the house tonight?

Eve sorry your having a tough time still with your h. They really are all bastards aren't they.

Hi MNs

Have spent the morning sleeping in bed as exhausted. About to have a bath and wash my hair. Then to trip over to Matalan for jeans, wish I could remember my pin number for credit card.

Eve will do, no DCs today or tomorrow but around next week. Thanks honey xxx I am so sorry your H is messing you around. It sounded so hopeful the "I will return and we can work it out", then not to do it is crushing.

WDYAT He's bringing all 3 back at 6.45pm tonight as has nowhere to take them. No beds, no place, still staying with his tossfriend. He is getting himself a 3 bed house soon, then he will have to furnish it.
So no going out for me tonight. It will be a while before I can. He has offered to "babysit" one night (obviously not tonight!) for me. Hmmm??? How realistic is that?

However DCs are exited about spending most of the day with tossfriend's little DC who are with J also today as this is his morning with DCs. I think H wanting our DC every Wed is also all about tossfriend (who works locally as GP) seeing his kids every Wed after work. H is literally copying EVERYTHING J has and does. It's bizarre.
He's even talking to me like J talks to his (tobeex-) wife. All paranoid and blaming.

You know H texted me all this Wed morning about "how I had broken our agreement for him to collect DCs that night", yet he had to take my car seat for baby this morning.
He couldnt have collected DCs Wed as didnt even have a car seat for baby and I had mine at work with me where I had dropped her off in morning, so was it all a game? He clearly knew he wasnt due to collect her during the week, otherwise surely a normal person would have bought a car seat well before the day.

I have to stop worrying about what he is doing or saying, as it does really effect me. These H have no idea what pain they are causing us, and how ill /skinny we are getting as a direct result of their behaviour. They wouldnt give it a second thought. It shows how they have stepped out of humanity for a while.

WDYAT Gosh size 6 hanging on you is very very skinny. Have you been able to eat anything today or is it just burning straight off?
I hope you have a lovely night with your old friend tonight. Have a few drinks so you sleep well if you can xxxx

Hi everyone, H off with DC for a couple of hours, crabbing I think at Littlehampton.

He is really messing with my head atm. Wants to extricate him self from ow and start on sorting out our marriage. He has been talking to sensible people and I know he loves me but I suppose actions speak louder than words.

I know he has had a breakdown/midlife crisis whatever you would like to call it. Had insolvency/bankruptcy person in to see him, who is also a good friend. Broke down in front of him and this friend told a fact about himself (caused fatal crash whilst DD and jailed) and all that matters in life is family, not the money etec. His family stood by him and he was trying to get H to see what was happening. He has been in tears here this morning, apologising etc. When he first left me he said I knew him better than anyone. I think we have agreed that he will not come back here straightaway and will get therapy, solely and jointly.

OW is problem because I think she can/will cause a lot of trouble which he is really worried about.

I just know what to think or do atm - I know I love which is really sad after everything he has done but as someone said at party last night, you can't turn off feelings just like that and you can love the person and hate the deed. My H is so screwed up that I can forgive but I really worry about trusting again.

I'm also thinking I have 4 DC and they deserve us making a go of things. Nothing is black and white - it is all grey.

Wow CT10 that's really good news. I am soooooooo pleased for you. It sounds like he is really messed up but is appreciating what he has potentially lost in you and DC.

Keep us posted as it would be great to hear how things go. xxxx We're all rooting for you.

I don't know what I feel atm. I suppose I will have to wait for action.

I don't even feel betrayed which is really weird - I feel hurt but I don't feel he betrayed me. I think it's probably because I know how screwed up he is.

I don't want to think too far ahead.

Bought some new clothes today. £67 in Matalan, you know how many pairs of jeans & lovely t-shirts you can get for that in Matalan??!! Washed and straightened my hair. Looking gorgeous, like I did BC (before children).

It has been nice having a rest today. Slept all morning as was over tired. Boxing all H's books up today, and putting things in the loft. Gonna try to clean house before DCs get home. Feels strangely quiet without them here.

Thinking of you all. xxx

I took off my rings recently - wedding & engagement but my eternity ring has gone on my right hand as it was given to me for my DD. I look at it every day and see the ring and it reminds me of my DD and reminds me that I am strong....

WIMH, Yes I do eat a bit but it just burns away I think. I have always been slim but not this skinny. At least you have had a nice break and at the amount of bargins from matalan! Took the dc to primark this morning and had bags full of stuff for £30!! Well done on boxing up his books. Isnt it nice not to have their crap around the house.

CT10, That is good news that your h has had his wake up call, I do hope you can work things out. I know just what you mean about not feeling betrayed its such a weird feeling isnt it. People kept telling me I should hate my h for what he has done but I just cant. When I think about it all its like a soap opera playing in my head not at all like its my life!

Had a strange day today, dc1 had a sporting commitment this afternoon and there we all are (h aswell) he told me we are and will always be a family . How does that work then? He has left the family and still shagging his ow so how on earth did he work that one out? He is not happy with his solicitors letter and said he dont want letters like that but everything it says is true. He was even calling me 'darling' like nothing was wrong. He even made some comment about my underwear along the lines of 'oh new bra is it does it have matching knickers'. What planet is he on?

Hi MNs
DCs just got back. DS seemed to have a good time. DD has been crying since she got home as she "didnt have a very good day", Baby (DC3) seems fine, happy as anything.

Feeling OK. How are you girls tonight? WDYAT have a nice night tonight with your friend.

Am about to eat some whetabix for tea and watch some TV. Forgot to get any food in for me. Asdas tomorrow I think.... Maybe waitrose if I'm feeling flash...!