Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Lisal my h left the day before nye they have such timing dont they!

CT10, Up until I found out my h was still seeing his ow(and swearing to me he wasnt ) he was spending lots of time with me and dc. Coming round for dinner and family days out. It was very much like nothing had happened between us. When I found out he was still lying and I called the ow I took great pleasure in telling her pretty much the same as you! My h went straight to her and told her I was lying?! Sent her some texts I had saying how he missed me and loved me. She still continued to see him and talk to him. As far as I am aware they are still seeing each other. She clearly doesnt care that he has been lying to her all this time aswell or he has done a good job of convincing her I am lying! Oh and I would say that his ow is a minger too . Well done for forwarded on the emails but yep step back now and leave him to sort it out!

IWMI, My h has been saying to me he doesnt love me how he should too and that he dont know how he feels about me. Its so frustrating isnt it. I used to say to my h how can you not know?! We have 10yrs together and 3 dc surely you should know how you feel! Think mine is like that as he is slightly infatuated with the ow. Honestly the texts I have seen that he sent her are desperate. Things like 'if you call me I will know that you love me please say you will call me' .

My h isnt talking to his real friends either think they are all shocked with what he has done. The people he is choosing to talk to are all middle aged divorced men who drink themselves silly all day. Not the best people! Mil says he not even talking to her.

Funny how they are all following the same script dont you think. Do they have some kind of manual to follow, something like 'How To Be A Complete Shit of A Husband'?

So sorry WIMH. Was up at 1am with DS and finally clicked what it stood for. Sorry to have been insensitive and make you talk about something so painful. Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing getting someone to talk to about it. I haven't lived that situation but I do know that looking back in hindsight I can sometimes see things now that were clearly not right, but at the time you sort of think well nobodys perfect and we all live with each other because we love each other. And I still believe that's true, but there is a line that shouldn't be crossed. Hope it goes ok.

Ditto with H not talking to his friends. Do they realise how they are all following what seems to be a common predictable pattern?

WDYAT, a friend of mine says she struggles with New Years every year because it is a time to reflect and think about whats ahead too. Maybe that was true for our Hs and they flipped out a bit. Not that they had anything to be unhappy about in those reflections.

It was xmas eve he said he didnt know what he wanted but that we should make an effort over xmas to 'see'. The morning he left we had a blazing row as he had been doing nothing but moping around the house. It was later that day I found out about the ow and NOT from him! Actual nye was just awful especially when the clock struck midnight. Was crying in bed with my dc. He didnt even text or anything.

I dont think they do realise that they all follow the same pattern. Unless the manual actually exists .

WIMH, Hope the dv person comes and speak to you today.

Well the emails hit the spot. H definitely pushed the self destruct button. He now fears for mine and his safety - god knows what sort of woman this person is. I'm not sure how to play it atm, am totally thrown by events.

CT10 God I hope you are OK. The OW shouldnt come after you, more after him. After all he lied to her not you. Bit worrying his new taste in women??!! Definitely sounds on self destruct button.

Saw solicitor today, started the process of putting in petition for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Have kept it fairly mild and innocuous so not to aggravate him. It means I can get a bit of control back on what is happening.

He rang me last night and this morning. Upset at the "reasonable" email I sent him. Basically he said it is all factually incorrect as I have not been reasonable. Despite it just being facts and what I have agreed to, and that we clearly didnt have an agreement so his behaviour on wed night worried me.

He doesnt get that he has left our family now, and isnt part of our family anymore. How do they see themselves after this has all happened? Does he really think that leaving the house and his DC behind, means nothing changes and he stays as important as before? I cant talk to him about what he has done in reality, but just let it dawn on him. He has this illusion of being the same part of the DC's life as he was before. Is that really what happens, especially when he is so vile and disagreeable to me?

H has no idea that he no longer gets to hear about the DC from me, or share in that aspect of their daily lives. He's going to see them wed every week (for however long that lasts) for an hour and half, then every other weekend. They can talk to him about their school, friends and lives.

But I wont be sharing the usual stuff that happened in the day with him when he gets home anymore. I also wont be nattering with him. He is going to be cut off just by the very nature of the fact he doesnt live with us anymore. Is that really what a loving father would want? Is that really what a man who had everything including DW and 3 DC would want? To be alone? I wonder if he really understands what devastation he has done to his life and how it will feel in a few months/years time.

I really hope we move on without him, and he gets left behind wondering why he did what he did. Do you think that will happen?

Goodness, it does sound like all the Hs are following the manual. Mine never read instruction books, so isnt it funny how they are following the same path?

I cannot believe that I married H. He is so different to the man I married. I really dont see anything in this new H that I could ever get on with or like. I cant quite understand how he has changed so much, to this stranger, and why and when he did it.

I wish he was out of my life, so that I could grieve properly for the man I loved and married.

CT10, I too hope your ok. As wimh says the ow should only go after your h if she wants answers. Maybe now you h will begin to wonder just what he has done.

WIMH, I am sure you will move on without him. I really wont understand all these men who can just up and leave their dw and dc, for what? As you say to be alone? Think part of it is grass is greener, dont you. They will soon realise its not. I always thought my h had a good grasp of that. His single friends envied him for having a wife and family and yeah ok they get to go out whenever they want but now all they want to do is settle down. Clearly he didnt.

I am sure at some point it will hit them what they have lost and if it doesnt then they never deserved to have it in the first place.

The change in my h has happened gradually over the past four years. He started drinking a lot more and being out a lot more, generally being selfish. The person he was has long gone and I dont think he will ever change. And I think my h will fall into the category of the one who will never realise what he has done. By not speaking to the dc all week he is pushing them away. I feel for my dc3 as she was only 6/7wks old when he left and she is never going to know him as the other dc do. I dont think he realises that.

Mine never read instructions either, I bet they dont realise they are being so predictable and following many men all over the country/world.

I think my H has hit rock botton what with the gambling, business woes, minging ow etc. I asked him what the hell he was thinking and his actual words were "I wasn't"

Says he is trying to extract himself from the relationship but has to be careful because she could be dangerous and "knows people" WTF - says he was scared for me and him. I know she sounded rough.

Says he needs to be on own to sort his head out (too right) but doesn't know where he will go. Promised to go for therapy and joint counselling.

Don't know what to believe atm - he can be biggest bullshitter in world.

He promised to tell me everything (do I want to know?)

Lies, lies, lies

I hope your h means what he is saying to you now and follows through with it. Words are one thing now he has said it you need to see him putting it into action. Take time to think about it all.

My h said similar stuff to me but never acted on it. He admitted to having a problem with drinking and needed to sort his head out as he was so confused. We sat down and got the number of a counsellor and he promised he would ring it. He never did. He told me what a huge mistake it was and how he wasnt thinking straight at the time and had regrets about it but was STILL seeing his ow. He also has problems with his business and told me how he needed time to sort his head out and work hard. He isnt doing that either.

Im not suggesting that your h is like mine just that now he seems to have realised what he has done you need to see him backing up what he has said. After all actions speak louder then words.

CT10 I really hope that your H does follow through. He does sound to be confused. It's so painful to be in the middle of all that, just remember it's not you, it's him.

WDYAT that's so sad isnt it? How old DC3 was when he left. You sound like you have no hope that your H will ever be the man you married and fell in love with again. It's really hard to let go of that secret hope, it's like it hides deep down inside you.

I think I've been quietly angry this week, at who he is turning out to be. But underneath it's sheer shock and disappointment that he was either good at covering this side of him , or changed sometime without me realising. He talks only about surface things, getting the image, getting the lifestyle, being seen as a devoted father (but doing things that no devoted father or caring human being would do).

He's spending a lot of his energy and thoughts into turning me into the bad guy who is unreasonable. And it doesnt matter what I do or what I agree to, it's never right for him and I'm all out to get him. Poor him for having left his family!! It's all about him - how is it possible for someone to be so incredibly selfish and blind to all the damage they are doing to those who care around them. I am trying to keep in mind that none of what he is saying is real anymore and he is in a world I would never want to be in.

Right what was it I said last week?

Stay in the sunshine with my DC. And that I can get back to who I am without him here, being a miserable sod.

Are you girls trying the same?

Is anyone there?

Am in bits today. Went to solicitors and started divorce proceedings. It will take a week or two to do all the bits I need to do with the solicitor to file for divorce.

I want my H back. I want this stranger to disappear and the old H to come back as I miss him. I dont know why he changed and why he has been doing the things he has been doing, but I'm devastated. I keep thinking I'm OK, DCs are OK and we're still here. But I'm not OK and I dont see any point in my being here anymore. I wish I had died or he had killed me before I knew any of this.

Yes WIMH it is very sad. She doesnt really know who he is. He takes the fact she can babble 'dada' as some sign but I think it just proves that its far easier to say!

No he wont ever be the person he was before. He has told me he wont change who he is, anything in his life and he wont come 'begging' back. I would never trust him. What man rings hiw ow first after their 1st dd is born and asks to meet her while his wife is in hospital having given birth. Yep my h did that.

WIMH, I am on here, yes I am trying to stay in the sunshine with the dc. I know how daunting it is when you see the solicitor. I felt strong for half a day then dreading what was going to come next from my h when he found out. You dont wish that not really you have your dc, try to find that sunshine again. You will all be ok you will come through this. Maybe in time your old h will come back maybe the starting of divorce will be a wake up call. You dont know, but even if its not you and your dc will be ok.

I don't know WIMH, maybe the divorce will jolt him into his senses. What is it with these men. Mine is really messing with my mind. I'm seeing a solicitor on Monday, primarily for advice but I really don't know if I should start proceedings.

I just want everything to go back to what I thought was "normal" but nothing will ever be the same again ....

Got a small party to go to tonight so I've got to put on a happy face.

You never know, there might be a goodlooking toyboy there

WDYAT that's awful, ringing an OW whilst his wife is in hospital having given birth. That's pretty low. Do you feel your H changed drastically too then?

Just been crying and DCs walked in. Had to try to dry my eyes. DD said 'dont worry mummy we want a new daddy now, you will get us a new daddy'. Oh, if only it was that easy. Sticky plaster over your heart.

WIMH, I've been on youtube listening to the beatles singing "Let it be" - it brings a bit of comfort. I feel I can cope a little bit more having listened to it.

CT10 you might get Legal Aid. Mine said to start divorce proceedings when you are emotionally ready. Maybe I'm just not ready but he has been so manipulative this week that I have been spinning all over the place.

Is it potentially a nice party?
I hate being out as I feel so alone in company, really aware of who is missing next to me. Are you wearing your wedding ring anymore? I took mine off and feel bear without it. I miss being married to a lovely man and what I thought my life was then. I wish I could turn back time and just stay there.

CT10 Gonna see if I have that song on iPod, thanks x

WIMH, I took my ring off a few days after he took his off. I feel very alone at the moment too - just want to feel normal again. I still can't eat so am incredibly skinny atm.

The party is quite a small affair for my sister, but there is going to be a number of single people there so not couples, thank god.

I don't think I am ready to start proceedings atm but definitely need advice.

I think it was Happywoman who spent a fortune on legal fees and H returned to the fold, so to speak.

I think we are all probably lost souls atm.

WIMH, Yes my h has changed drastically. He was so anti infidelity all the time could never understand it. I always thought one of his strong points was how he swore he wasnt like that and how he hated it.

He didnt just ring her the day our dd was born but wanted to meet her! The first few weeks of dds life were made hell by him, he would go out and not come back til god knows when. When she was 3wks old he went out on a xmas do and said he would be back by 11 he turned up at 5am!! I was just a crying sobbing wreck. I am just glad there was an actualy reason as he was making me think I was unreasonable and loosing the plot.

Oh I have a whole host of songs that I listen too, some make you feel quite strong! I must have a whole list!

Well my h has read his letter tonight from solicitor rang up being very sarcastic and is going to contest the contact arrangements with dd and see a solicitor as soon as he can. He was trying to get me to loose my temper with him and kept repeating 'wdyat are you raising your voice now now dont loose your temper' Argh!!

CT10 Hope you have a good time at the party try to put all this to the back of your mind and focus on having some fun.

Im not wearing my wedding ring but hadnt for a while anyway.

Isn't strange my H was positively vitriolic about men he knew who had affairs and then he goes and does the same.

CT10 What happens to these men who are so anti affairs for them to suddenly go and do exactly the same bloody thing.

I could understand if I looked at the ow and saw something attractive but I just dont..or maybe I am just mean .

WDYAT How awful. You believe them when they protest like that. H was really adament last Jan 08 to my face that I wasnt to worry - (I had just had a baby and he insisted my friend not tell me her H had left her until my DC3 was at least few weeks old as he was worried about me). He said he "wasnt anything like J" (his tossfrield) who left his wife and "he would never do something like that". Then he does the same thing just over a year later- He's copying action for action what tossfriend did and even quoting them as an example to me now!!?? How can your H have been so anti-infidelity and be so terrible in his infidelity? We dont change suddenly like that do we????

CT10 yes am a lost soul too.

Well I'm not alone not wearing my ring so I feel a bit better that you've told me that. I didnt want to take it off but couldnt keep looking at it. I'm trying to make myself accept what has happenned. My heart cant catch up though.

Sorry your h is copying his tossfriend. I dont think I have changed Im sure I probally have in some way but not in a bad way like him. He is so selfish, well it seems all our husbands are at the moment. Mil even said she doesnt know who my h is at the moment as he was so anti things like this and its so out of character for him.

I dont actually know what to do with my rings though now. I have a really lovely eternity ring that he bought me just a few weeks before he started with his ow. I love the ring dont want to wear it but what do I do with it?! Keep it for my dd?