Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

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This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Hi SB and CT10

thanks, sorry I seem a bit all over the place today. Am trying to keep calm and not over react. (I worry if I talk about what he used to do when he got angry, everything will get out of control and it will make me feel worse).

CT10 LOVE the changing the answer machine. Might do that myself in a minute

Thanks for your posts. Am cuddling the DC and reading to them tonight. A nice antedote to all the horrible texts and phonecalls over past 2 days. At the end of the day, even if he sees them as much as he wants, it's still only here and there, I get to come home to DCs every day.

H was talking about the fact I might remarry in a couple years!! I cant believe he is so calm about all this kind of stuff. Obviously he has lots of plans about my life he hasnt shared with me at all........
Is that normal, are any other H's talking about you remarrying or meeting someone else????????????

WIMH, Yes I think they convince themselves that what they are saying is right. I am glad you managed to talk to him calmly, its so hard at times to bite your tongue with them. Your h may have been drinking I know mine does have a complete about turn in his attitude to me when alcohol is involved. Dont you feel like its 5 steps forward and 10 back at times. You just seem to be getting on with things and then up they pop again.

My h turned up today, said he hadnt rang the dc as the longer it went the harder it was . Funny how he has managed to talk to his ow all week though but not his dc. We was both really on edge with each other. He said we need to talk but I dont know what about all he said was money and stuff. He hasnt been paying enough money into the bank and then had the cheek to ask what money I was paying in. Well seeing as I am a sahm with 3 dc who need clothes and feeding and I am not getting any money from him I dont know what he expects from me. I dont think he has read his solicitors letter as he never mentioned it. He is trying to work things back like he has all the times before starting chatting to me like normal. I am not going to fall for it this time.

Yep, my one has talked about me meeting someone else, wants me to and then he doesn't like it when I change the answerphone message .

He also mentioned today friends who divorced/seperated, sold martial home and bought separate properties and then got back together - his actual email words were "I keep thinking about the B & M scenario and then squash it" - WTF is that about, he's with OW.

Totally screwed up men - I think we just have to let them get on with it, we can't change them.

WIMH - not to sound like a broken record but please consider viewing everything that comes out of your H mouth at the moment as pointless crap or at least verbal diarrhea and try not to let it get under yours skin too much. It beggars belief what some of them will say in this situation. Honestly, it's meaningless words. You will look back on this time with a clearer and wiser head and say to yourself, I can't believe I put up with all of that.

The fact of the matter is, there is a very good chance that in a few years you will meet someone lovely and perhaps marry again (even if you aren't ready to think of it now, and rightly so). And you know what? More fool your then exH.

My h has talked about me meeting someone else and said the only time it would be a problem is if they was a complete idiot and I couldnt see it. Cant help but think the reality would be a little bit different.

Enjoy your evening with your dc, its nice to cuddle upto them at the end of the day.

WDYAT - hopefully none of us would be unlucky enough to meet ANOTHER complete idiot lol

Thanks Greyclay, WDYAT and CT10 Greyclay, nope broken record is good. Thanks for reminding me.

Phew I'm glad that other Hs have said something similiar about you meeting someone else. I thought, gosh mine is heartless and the other Hs are at least acting a bit confused. I was thinking I'd stepped into some weird world where he hadnt just left me 3 weeks ago, devastating our family, but it was 3 years ago and I'd fallen asleep somehow!! I see what you mean, it is one thing saying it and the reality is another.

DCs still unsettled. They fought at bedtime and DS pinched DD on the chest. He was seriously in trouble for it and went to bed in shame. The funniest bit was that DD kept saying "it's naughty to hurt you on your nibble isnt it mummy?" !!!

CT10 your H does sound very mixed up. It must be very confusing, he's giving you hope then taking it away. Was he prone to wavering before, or is this new?

LisaL God that is what worries me when anyone says, you'll meet someone lovely in the future!!!

I might only go out with men whose wives had affairs on them. Although, that might not bode well for their bedroom skills!!!

Nope not thinking of other men. Would like to be on my own with the DC and not have to worry about anyone else for a LONG time.

Oh, I am sooo slow. LisaL I just got what you meant... ANOTHER idiot!!

LisaL just what I thought! When he said it I had to bite my tongue to say 'what an idiot like you you mean'! .

wimh, no mine said the same thing not very long after he left about me meeting someone else. I actually bought it up as at the time I didnt think he had thought of this possibility he said he would want me to happy then the comment that I previously posted.

CT10, My h sounded very mixed up after the initial revalation. He would say 'I dont know' about everything. And when I pushed for some kind of idea on what was going on with us he would just say 'lets see we are getting on aren't we'. He still says he doesnt know what is going on etc. Although now I do. Mine done exactly what wimh says, giving me hope and would then take it away. Its so frustrating. You really never know what is going on or where you stand. You will get stronger. It has taken me 5 months to get to the point where I dont care and its only been the last week. Even after I found his 2nd phone part of me still wanted to 'fight' for him. Now I realise that in my h's case its really not worth it.

Dc2 also been unsettled tonight not sure if its just tiredness or because he saw his dad today. Will keep an eye on it but he was jsut awful. All 3 dc fast asleep now though...phew! Another day I have made it through!

Well done WDYAT
See we're great mums. DCs in bed. Everyone fed and clean. Everyone accounted for. And asleep. (I am readjusting my criteria for what is a good day!!! Is there anything else you would add?)

I am about to watch The Apprentice I saved. It's nice to be able to do what I want when I want.

Have a good evening MNs, see you tomorrow.

wimh, no nothing more to add everyone fed clean and in bed is more then enough for one evening and a big enough task for one pair of hands! Well done to you too! Enjoy The Apprentice and hope you sleep well tonight. 'See' you tommorow!

Oh you gotta laugh in amongst all the tears and misery dontcha?

WIMH - another thing to add to list: nobody hurting on the nibble...

Interesting to hear about all your experiences with Hs about comments about you meeting someone else. Had been thinking of asking H how he thought he was going to handle it in the future if I meet someone else and they are in effect bringing up his son. And also why/how he thinks hes going to cope with his OWs kids (she hasn't left her husband yet but how bad is that??) when he couldn't cope with his own.

Now I don't know. Maybe its best not to say anything thats going to rock the boat even more and just leave him to screw up even more. I just feel awful for her husband and kids. I mean, at least when they've walked out on us we still have our DCs but that poor man will presumably lose his family through no fault of his own.

LisaL that is exactly the way I bought it up. Said to him your very brave knowing that in the future someone else will have a daily part in your kids lives especially seeing as dc3 is just 6 months old now. He just said he would want me to be happy etc blah blah blah. I still think the reality would be a different matter. All very easy to say when you know your dw is sitting in with the dc while his out with his ow!

It is awful that she hasnt left her h yet. How involved is your h with her, has he met the kids? Do you know her? Sorry if this has already been mentioned in the prev posts! The sensible part of me would say leave them to it. Understand why you would want to warn him though but just think no good would come of it and his dw has been lying to him already and would probally continue.

OMG I have just found out who OW is and you couldn't make it up. My compulsive gambler H meets OW who works in Ladbrokes!

My sister found out from someone she works with and it all fits. She is a right minger by all accounts and very much a Chav and slightly dangerous which is concerning.

I made the mistake of having sex with my H the last 2 Fridays and told her. She said he couldn't have done because he was with her. I then pointed out it was in the lunchtime and I had emails to prove it. She accused me of lying (god knows what he has been telling her) so I forwarded the very suggestive emails to her. Him pleading with me for sex and lots of flirting - haven't heard anything back from them.

I know I should have been the bigger person but I couldn't help myself.

Apologies to all mingers and chavs - does make me feel better that she is like that. What the hell is he playing at - in massive self destruction mode at the moment

WDYAT I wouldn't get involved in causing any trouble with her family myself. She and my H will be hurting enough people without my help. I don't really know how far Hs relationship with her has gone. He says its just feelings so far and they are both going to sort out their own lives before taking things further together, Who knows though - he left me on New Year's Day and has maintained he doesn't know what's wrong until last week when he told me about her. It's his workmate who I've met only once but heard alot about. I used to save her our vegetable peelings etc for her rabbit FFS.

CT10 - what a choice he's made! Unbelievable. I just can't get over how stupid these previously decent appearing men can be. Be careful though if she's a nasty piece of work. You don't need that kind of trouble to add to the crap already going on. From the sounds of her though, no wonder he is looking at you with new eyes!!

Blimey you lot have been busy! Its taken me ages to catch up.
WIMH he sounds horrid, assume u saw dr about pnd, sch, nursery, hv etc hadnt picked up on any imagined probs etc, he obviously felt the kids were safe with you as left them and has done nothing but distrpt them since. Its all bullying bluster designed to frighten you and keep you in his thrawl (is that the word?). But you r getting stronger and he doesnt like it, his power is weakening, wonder if he will step it up to try and keep you cowering?
Hope the dv person came, like everyone says, print off the email contact, texts etc as evidence. Keep strong x

Didnt log ou yest as had relate and needed a stiff drink after, left my dad sitting while out with mum and sis.

Went all fired up ready to tell him to poke it if he hadnt thought anymore... only 4 him to pull the rug again , telling me how he can see the damage hes done to the kids, dc1 (5) getting very anxious about me, what im doing every min of every day, he had got paniky at wkend when daddy came and mummy left.

Also recognising what a mess hes made of everything. Restrained myself from whooping and praising the lord and just said "mmm" whilst nodding!

But had a day now and wondering is this more of the same game?

Sun hes seeing kids but wants to b here with them and do some cooking and wants me to eat with them all, have agreed to show unity to kids but made him "invite" me as dont want to take the lead.

Am not making myself clear, hes spent a yr or more telling me he doesnt love me "as he should"(?) then he left us now hes lonely but still not sure how he feels about me... god its so confusing. So desperately want to stay strong, but want my family back, want him to love me again,

CT10 jees let him sort her out, now you've wound her up sit back and watch them deal!

When will they all wake up and see what laughing stocks they r?

It has been extremely silent since I sent those emails He's probably bullshitting his way out of them but I would like to know how. Sent a couple of texts to him as well and no response.

Prob a little bit busy telling new lies!

Sorry been trying to figure it out but serious babybrain can't do it. What's DV?

Am assuming domestic violence, mignt be barking up wrong tree, or just barking!

Domestic Violence

Hi just quick pop in MNs, The Apprentice was good. Philip went. Hooray! (another bigheaded man)

CT10 Hee hee, yes a bit naughty but totally understandable. Can't believe you had the gumption to forward her the emails he sent you!! Gosh your H will have to explain himself! (Wooo girl, I'd step well back now if I were you ...!!)

IWMI Oooh I would like to join in that Whoop for you!! It does sound good, then not so good. Sorry you're having a hard time with H, bit of a faulty traffic light going on - it must be very confusing. Of course you want it all back as it was before , it is a very very awful ordeal to have to go through. At least you are talking at Relate though, that's a positive thing.

Yes, am worried about how far H will step it up, so have arranged appointment with Solicitor tomorrow to have a more frank discussion.

Sorry LisaL - DV = domestic violence.
I am struggling with the word. I know I could have left H over the past few years at any point, on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. But then most people could complain about their spouses in some way or other. My H's particular unreasonable behaviour was related to real anger problems when he is drunk/ hungover/ stressed, as he has done some terrible things in the heat of the moment/hours. He just loses control when he loses his temper as he likes to win "to finish an arguement". Then he forgets it all later, as if nothing happenned. Most of the time, he was lovely. His anger was only a small part of him and I have never ever wanted to label it or talk about it, because it felt like a betrayal. And I understood what was going on, it was his anger and it wasnt him.

I cant believe I am going to talk to a DV person, but I have just been overwhelmed by all his unpredictability these past 2 weeks. I am worried the only stability he had, aside from his job, was his home/me/the DC and he's left all of that so he might be very lost and more unknown than ever. He's not even talking to his "friends" which is worrying me as who will keep him grounded? He thinks he is being reasonable but if he is just listenning to the voice in his head, I'm not sure it's that reliable a sounding board.

I don't know if talking to a DV person will help me, but if it is confidential then it might just tell me my options and what I can do or expect if he does certain things.

I desperately dont want to antagonize him and if he ever thought I spoke to anyone about it, then he would come out all guns blazing and that's not going to help me, him or the DC in the long run. He's still going to be the father of my DC so I still have to see him.