Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

You are being good WIMH, I can't bring myself to respond to my H atm. He has been emailing and sending texts - he wants to phone the DC after school today, first time he has made contact with them in over a week. Hasn't even asked me how they are in that time. I just want him to leave me alone atm - don't know what to do.

God, H rang back and has just threatened me again. Says he is going to get the police here and break into our house (I put locks on) and that if I dont agree to him picking up the kids every Wed he will decide how much he gives me whenever he likes.

Going to push through divorce tomorrow now on the basis of unreasonable behaviour and DV. Have spoken to a DV outreach worker because I cant cope with all this on my own.

I rang him back and said look lets try every wed, but you are away so you cant do every wed at the moment. But he said he is going to solicitors regardless and will give me any money he likes and that he will do it by this route only. He said he is going to say I am unwell at the moment (I have PND) and that I hit him!!! I have hit him BACK after he has pushed me and hurt me, only a few times this year, but each time he has been shouting in my face and hurting my arms first.

I dont understand why he wants to do this. I dont trust him.

WIMH - I don't know anything about going through separation and divorce with children but my exH exhibited similar behaviours to yours when he left. That's right, HE left and walked out and then HE became the angry injured party. It's about loss of control. Loss of control over his own life and environment and loss of control over you and the children. Your H is becoming the angry bully.

It sounds as though you are moving in the right direction however. The best way to manage for your own sanity is to not rise to the emotional or financial and start mobilizing your solicitor to do the communicating for you. Your H has a right to see is children its true, but he does not have a right to phone or text you endlessly until he gets what he wants.

I know it's hard to be dispassionate at such an emotional time but the best thing you can do is keep your communications with your H as neutral as possible. Do not rise to his behaviour and do not rise to his threats. His anger is HIS problem and not your fault.

Good luck, you are doing amazingly well, you really are. Wishing you all the best.

Sorry - I meant to say "emotional and financial blackmail"

WIMH, he sounds to have totally lost the plot! Carry on saving every text and email, and being calm and rational with him. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, stick to your guns no matter what he threatens.

A friend went through very similar. When it came to court her H was annihilated as all his bizarre behaviour was exposed for what it was. My friend was also accused (by him) for all sorts, but everyone totally believed her side. If you and she lived anywhere near each other I'd put you in touch, as she coped amazingly.

In some warped way, it must be making it easier for you to let go of him though, each unreasonable act makes you realise he wasn't the man you thought he was.

wimh, You do need to speak to your solicitor they will be able to put something in writing to him about the threats and verbal/physical abuse. You dont have to stand for it. Mine was giving me verbal abuse in front of the children and the solicitor wrote to him saying if it happened again they would go down the route of injunctions. It stopped after that.

CT10, I know how you feel not wanting to speak to or see your h. Could you not get him to ring and just speak to the dc? So if it was a set time you could say thats daddy on the phone for you and when they are finished just put the phone down so you dont have to speak to him? Just a suggestion.

My h still hasnt made contact with the dc either and will be a week tommorow. Dc2 has after school activity today that he takes him too mil said h still had every intention of taking him despite the fact I havent heard from him. Dreading it, may just take him myself incase h doesnt turn up. He would have had his solicitors letter today and having read the copy I have I dont think he is going to be best pleased.

Greyclay, my h is going round acting like the injured party. Not so much the anger but just has the woe is me attitude and is telling people I am pushing for divorce and its not what he wants(he seems to be forgetting the bit about him and his 19yr old ow!). He is getting the sympathy card, all so wrong and very annoying!

Yes it is making it easier to let go of him. No one marries a monster, he was a nice guy underneath and I rarely saw this side of him. He used to be charming most of the time, but then would flip.

Just spoken to the DV outreach worker and she is going to try to come round today or tomorrow and that I need to get an order through the solicitor. H told me he can come round and break into the house anytime he wants to with the police standing by with him. He said it is his house and he can ring anytime he wants to. He wont put any of that in writing of course!!

H got very angry today with me on the phone, as kids told him that I told them he'd hit me. Actually at weekend DS said daddy wont be able to hit you anymore mummy (he saw H do it) and instead of saying "oh it was an accident, mummy and daddy were just arguing" I said this time "yes you're right, he doesnt live here anymore, so no one is allowed to shout or hit each other ever again".

He has gone mad at me because he said I am telling the children that he hit me (DS saw him, he mostly grabbed or pushed me but it's not me that says that to the DC, they see what they see). He has started saying I am an unfit mother and he can say what he wants about me as I am unwell (with PND). I am unwell with PND but because I was so very tired, he was unsupportive never did nights or came home when he said he would. I am quite quite rational. I feel like I am doubting myself. He says I am playing games but it seems to me that he is playing games. What am I doing that is playing games?

I dont think whatever I do, what ever I agree to that he will settle down.

God I feel in such turmoil. I cant cope with these games. I never wanted to talk about any of the stuff he did. It becomes something other than I thought it was when you say it out loud, it sounds awful. I always thought it was just his anger out of control when he'd had a drink or was hungover or stressed from work. And that he loved us really and didnt mean it.

He's saying it's all me and that he can say tons of stuff about me. But what can he say about me? Nothing that is terrible, I am just a normal mum looking after my children going to work and looking after him.

Why is he so angry at me? Will I make things worse by disclosing how he can be at times? I cant keep coping with all this erratic behaviour.

WIMH, can you go and see a counsellor asap? You need to let it all out, in a safe place. They may well put a name to his behaviour, it may well shock you that you lived with it for so long. You need to do it though, and ideally with a professional who can help you through it.

WIMH you are doing so well. This must be so hard like you say it doesn't sound good when it's in words, but it is what's been happening and you've tried so hard to keep this all to yourself. It's not your fault or your problem. What you told your children is exactly right.

He really does sound like he's on a self destruct path which is why you must look after yourself and the DCs, he will have to get his own problems sorted himself now.

Get all the professional help you can.

Don't ever doubt yourself, look how well you are doing everything for the DCs, working, having PND and coping with all this rubbish from H. If only he could be half as strong as you. But he's not which is why he's resorting to bullying tactics.

Carry on being strong.

Am waiting for DV outreach worker to ring me back. Her colleague said that everything H is doing is typical of what these men do in this circumstance.

He sounds so reasonable when i speak to him on the phone though, as if it IS all me. He is just sticking with the "we'll let the courts decide, they will let me have the kids over night every wed and alternate weekends and maybe more.. and I can give you whatever money I feel is appropriate. I can come back to the house anytime I want to."

I have done everything he has asked me, except let him turn up on this wed to see the kids, because it was too late and they were tired. I keep telling myself it's not me, but am beginning to doubt if it IS me. What would be the harm, aside from kids getting over tired, of them seeing him each wed? Why am I so caught up on this. Is it reasonable access?

But is he on a self destruct path? He has a goal, see the kids every wed night and alt weekends and he will keep going til he gets there. Oh and every holiday half and half, turn up when he likes.

Are they reasonable goals? Is that normal access?

I wonder how he would behave at mediation? It sounds like he can act two faced but whatever gets agreed at mediation will be reasonable and formalised which would be better that having to go to court I imagine. Whatever route, I'm sure no-one could agree with him that he can do what he likes, when he likes and give you whatever money he likes. Especially in regard to DCs. It's just not on.

I wish he would just wait until mediation. I dont understand the point of all this arguing right now, when we could talk calmly with a mediator there. Is it so terrible to wait a week or two to get this sorted even handedly?

Not terrible at all. Think he is just desperately flailing about. Who knows what's going on in his head. MAybe he's regretting his decision and panicking or maybe he just doesn't know what's going on himself and this is him trying to take some control because he is feeling out of control of himself.

Maybe just do whatever you need to do for the next couple of weeks, as long as it is reasonable and doesn't upset DCs too much then see what happens at mediation?

I think he is feeling out of control himself. I dont think he regrets leaving for a second.

Some part of me, is relieved he has left. I dont like who he is, and who I am discovering he perhaps was at times before.

WIMH - I understand your stress and confusion, I really do. I would strongly suggest taking a step back and not worry so much about what he is saying...they are the hot air and words of man who has lost the plot and is losing his grip. It makes him feel better to throw the blame and responsibilty on you because it takes the pressure off of him. He is projecting.

Believe me, he is now following a script. I know this because I went through it myself but I was fortunate enough to be seeing a therapist at the time who was able to tell me these things.

Anger, verbal abuse, twisting of facts and inconsistent behaviour should not surprise you, rather you should start EXPECTING it. Even planning for it. For example, I am willing to bet that even if you had agreed or made arrangements to see the kids on Wednesday, he would likely have either changed the times, shown up late or even not at all. And it would have been your fault. You need to stop worrying about what he is doing/saying and focus on protecting the emotional health of you and your children. It will be a bumpy ride but you will come out on the other end with your sanity and your integrity.

Start seeing his behaviour as indicative of the fact he is coming apart at the seams and protect yourself as much as you can. Poor you. But please know that you are stronger than he is. You can do this.

Apologies - I am so incensed for you I am posting without editing properly.

Third paragraph sentence should read as "if you had agreed or made arrangements for your H to see the kids on Wednesday, he would likely have either changed the times, shown up late or even not at all. And he would have made it your fault."

Hi, thanks for that.

Managed to talk to him calmly this afternoon. He sounds so reasonable when he is calm but it took a long time to get there. He is just interpreting everything I am doing as "being out to get him". He is still annoyed at the lock on the front door. I am trying to step back and keep thinking, talk to him be reasonable but set boundaries and do whatever else it takes to make things settled for us. Still waiting for DV outreach worker to ring me to pop round to talk to me though.

Just going to have to give him what he wants or we get no money and also he will keep firing up. I think it might be better to just try it and let it work or not work, rather than try to prevent a disaster.

I spoke to the school, the teachers said they would let me know if Thurs and Fridays the kids were over tired and I think I would know if it's not working quite quickly. Then I have more evidence to show. I also think he wont keep it up every Wed and if he is late to nursery and after school club, they will record it not him, which he cant later try to change. You never know, he might do it for a while

He's not even around in 2 weeks time, so cant do it every Wed anyway for the next month!!! He tells me that a gap of 10 days from an alternate wed to alternate weekends is too long for him and the children. I can see tht, it is an awfully long time.

H keeps saying he hasnt left the children, only me. Is it me, or is that a niave thing for him to say? He's not living with his children anymore, he might not have intended to leave them but he did. He said he couldnt cope with having a family life as well as working.

He keeps quoting what his friends (to be)exwife is doing and what his friend pays his wife and how his friend (who works locally) has the kids every wed and every weekend and he wants the same. Perhaps him and his awful friend want to be in a club together!!

It IS helping me get over him, as I dont ever want this man back in my life.

I wonder if he was drinking last night?

WDYAT I totally agree about H going around acting if they are the injured party. It seems strange doesn't it? Do you think they are telling themselves stuff in their heads, and that they really believe it?

Sorry I have been totally off the wall with stress today. It really affects me when he does all this stuff. I do keep thinking, I dont have to live with this anymore and once it settles down, I can shape my life how I want it to be without these ups and downs.

Are any of you feeling a bit of that, now your H's have left?

WIMH, I do feel for you - I don't know where I stand with my H atm. I decided not to communicate and he started kicking off about seeing the kids. I thought bearing in mind that I have only just found out that he is shacked up with OW and I have no idea where and the fact that he has played happy families with her without me knowing, that he would have given me some space and left me be for a bit but no. His right to see his kids etc, etc. Very angry, no concept of what he is putting me through, the marriage problems all my fault etc, etc.

Then he 'phones here to speak to the kids and comments that I have changed the answer phone message - yes, what did you expect me to do? I did it on purpose knowing he was phoning and letting the answer phone kick in so he would here it - needs to know that I am phasing him out ....

Try and have a peaceful, calm evening WIMH and I hope the DC don't play up.

I've cried buckets again today - I think the grief has really hit me. Spoke to my neighbour who said he really is some sort of heartless bastard to leave wife and 4 DC, meet someone and move in with her within 4 weeks. I know H is lying about that - it's beyond belief really. As my dear old nan used to say about her exH, he lies so much he believes them himself.

WIMH - i've been following without posting, as I feel I don't have much experience in this. BUT he seems to think that he can dictate when and how often he can see the dc - he can't. It's up to the court. He seems to think he can pay you 'what he likes' - he can't, it's up to the courts.
Lots of men use this ruse, that the courts automatically listen to the MAN and ignore the silly, air-head woman. It's not true. I think he'll get a shock, when it all comes out. Make sure you're well armed, with emails and notes of EVERY incident of DV or abuse.

Don#t let him think he'll have it all his way