Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WIMH - ok he is really starting to get on my nerves that H of yours - can you not see a sol or mediation re both the money and the access. He cannot bully you klike this! Also is it worth getting school on side? I mean a quiet word with teacher about whats happening at home and without too many details jkust that you are trying to do somethign about the wed night but H is being very uncooperative about it......might help you if it ever went to court etc

every one who is suufering - I am so sorry i haven't been on (broadband issues AGAIN!) for a day or two - seems liek a low few days for us all.....please accept hugs and support from over here - FWIW!

As for me - I am dazed and confused. WOndering how this could have happened to me! We've always had problems conceiving in the past and to fall just like that on a one off is just bizarre! Of course I am so delighted that its happened despite the circumstances and am worried the stress of everything else will play havoc on the pregnancy - I am so desperate to not lose it now its scary.

As for H - he is being very bizarre. Seems to think he can swan off for 3 months to think and "find himself" while I manage the worst part of the pg on my own and then if after the 12 week scan all is well he thinks he'll probably come home.......

Oh does he now???!!!! I don't like not being involved in teh decision makign tbh!!! I don't feel I trust him one inch just now. How the hell do I move forward from here?!!
missing my MN cheese and wine :-(

Kids should be in bed but wont go to sleep, was bathing them and had them in bed 6.45pm a bit later than normal. But H has been ringing our phone every 5 minutes for the past half hour. Not sure what he's trying to achieve, as it's just disturbing us. I never normally answer the phone at this time, as bathing kids or reading them their story, so it's weird for him to do this. Didnt want to answer phone though. He hasnt left msg. We agreed he would ring the kids at 5.30 on Thursdays which isnt near bed or bathtime.

Am I imagining this is weird, or should I have just answered the phone? Didnt want to be disturbed.

If it was important he would have left message - it's good for him to know that you are not at his beck and call.

Mine's not liking me not engaging in chit chat or even being nice to him - he knows he has burnt this particular bridge now.

wimh - thats ridiculous - he probably thinks he has the right to call them whenever he feels like it - he has to get into his thick head the kids have a routine

god was he this pushy when you were together?!!

Sorry to hear a few of you are having a bad day.

CT10 Keep up the good work not engaging in small talk with your h. Are you claiming any benefits now your on your own or do you work? If your claiming something you may still be entitled to legal aid. Take your time with seeing a solicitor though if your not upto it dont push it. Took me 3 months!

My h STILL hasnt made contact with the dc or myself(quite glad ive not heard from him but think maybe he should ring his kids?!) Mil rang tonight and was quite shocked when I asked if my h was even alive, she said she wasnt aware that he hadnt been in touch. Well if it was my son I would be asking him pretty much everyday if he had spoken to the dc(he is now living with in laws). Told her that he didnt think it was worth having dc3 last weekend and that he is still seeing his ow. Feel bad as its not her fault but part of me wants her to know what her son is upto.

Good news, spoke to solicitor and letter going out tommorow!! Guess I will be hearing from him sooner rather then later now.

WIMH, It might be a good idea to have a word with the school. I did with my dc school and they have been fantastic, my dc1 was struggling the beginning of the year and instead of being on his case straight away as they knew the situation they gave him extra support and time. He is now back upto where he was. If my dc are in bed I wouldnt answer the phone to my h I have nothing to say and he has nothing to say to me that I want to hear. If he rings when they are around fine he can talk to them. What is reasonable where phone contact is concerned though does anyone know? My h went through a stage of ringing them everyday.

CT10, honey, curl up and lick your wounds. Have a good cry, you need to get it out. Sorry you are having a bad day. We'll still be here, we're not going anywhere. It's so horrible isnt it? It's the end of the world we knew and it's never coming back. Not this one anyway. Keep doing a day at a time. Today is a bad day, you might have a better one tomorrow. xxxx Can you have a cry, have a bath, watch something nice on telly.
And think about us all doing the same, we're all in our separate homes accross the country but doing the same thing to keep us going too. xxx

Legal Aid doesnt depend on what he gives you. It's your own wages/income + CHB (child benefit) minus set allowance for no. children you have (for me it was few hundred for 3 DC) minus off total cost of childcare you pay. For me that left me £11.62 per week "dispoosable income". She didnt include any money H would or wouldnt give me, nor the bills I have to pay or mortgage. It was purely My sole total income - childcare/children amount.

So if you dont work, or only work part time and have high childcare costs, you should get Legal Aid. Do it before you get awarded any CTC as it is at the point of assessment that counts for that year, not whether your income changes later.

CT10 thanks for that. I wasnt sure if he was trying to ring me or the kids, but it was a bit ridiculous to keep ringing. What have you noticed that makes you think your H is not liking the not engaging in chit chat etc. ?

WIMH, great that you stick to your guns about the telephone call being set for Thursday at 5pm. Him constantly ringing is his annoyance that you're not sprinting to the telephone, grateful for his trying to contact you. If it was important, he would have left a message.

Your H needs to understand that he can't just zip in and out when he feels like it, be it via a phone call or a visit.

It's your house, you're the responsible parent now and he will simply have to abide by your rules. He won't like that but it's just tough.

You need to set some boundaries now for your own sanity. And for your DCs. Expectations need to be set and met otherwise more and more disappointment will ensue and disappointment is the worst particularly for a kid.

You should feel very proud of yourself - you're showing incredible strength.

WIMH, he keeps trying to make conversation in emails but I'm not responding just giving him facts that he needs. He said he will call tomorrow re seeing the kids at the weekend but I really don't want him to have them after last time - I know that's wrong of me but I can't trust him. They haven't even asked about him, hardly at all since he's been gone which just goes to prove how much he did for them and how much he was here for them emotionally. They were more concerned about phoning my sister to wish her a happy birthday and haven't mentioned their dad at all.

TBH when he had them that Sunday with OW they were more concerned about her kids PS3 and Xbox - well I can buy them that if that's all they really care about.

I really can't face speaking or seeing him at the moment - he has taken me for a fool, humiliated me and I am just grieving so much for the life I thought I had/was going to have. Would it be totally unreasonable of me to say back off at the moment, I can't deal with this. The trouble is I can't even leave the kids at his mum and dad's because they don't want anything to do with him after the latest revelations.

CT10 - will your PIL not even let you take the kids there and allow him to visit so he can have a kind of semi supervised vist, but you don't have to be there yourself?? If not, what about allowing him to see them in your house? Personally, I think you might as well let them see him wherever he likes and if that is with her, then so be it. He's going to prove to them sooner or later that he's a complete fuck up, so why delay the inevitable?? I know it will make you feel physically sick to think of them with her, but one day you will meet someone and he will have to go through this too.... it's all shit isn't it x

Silverlining - Great news X Eat, sleep and look after that new little one, don't let your twat ex mess this up too.... x

WIMH - stay strong, you are doing really well x

Re-read the post from the lady (Sorry, brain like a sieve) who is a year down the track... what she says is so true. I could have written it myself. I know, from where you stand now, some of it will be hard to believe... but it's true.

Also, I know there are many more of you posting on here... and I'm not leaving you out I feel for each and every one of you. I wish all the spineless, wankering, sons of bitches (and the one who is daughter not a son) a lifetime of misery... and would like to deep fry all their testicles (girly bits) on your behalf!

When I was going through this I was talking to someone (well, choking it out while sobbing uncontrollably actually!) and saying that I hated that he'd taken my life with him - everything I had dreamed of etc and my friend said 'No he hasn't, you can still have all of that, just with someone else!!!' It did make me realise that, to a certain extent, I could still have the life I wanted, just with another person... and even though I still wanted it with HIM, it wasn't a complete wipe out...

I don't think I am doing the concept justice because reading that back it seems like a 'DUH - of course' comment, but at the time it was a real light bulb moment....

Oh hello - I'm new to this group too. My H announced in Feb he'd had an affair last May-Jul and that she was PG and having his baby in a couple of wks. Baby was born in March and he is now moving to US with OW and baby to houses that we had been to look at as we were moving there for his work. Lies and deceit for nearly a year.
Have read some of the messages above and it sounds as if I could have typed them!
I am up and down but battling through. My DD is only 20mths. H has turned his back on family & friends to do his runner. I almost wish him well because if not he'll realise the sacrifices he's made will have been for nothing.
Still, went to the cinema tonight and had an hour and a half of Hugh Jackman filling the big screen so I feel a bit better.

Blimey Minstrels, these bloody Hs just get more and more unbelievable. I'm so sorry that you are in the unlucky position of joining this sad group, but at least we can all sympathise.

Have had a hard day. DS woke up at 3.55am (all excited to celebrate first birthday at 4.19am no doubt!!) and stupidly sent a text to H who was working nights, just to mark our little boys first birthday. Good as me and my parents have made the day for DS, can't help thinking back to this time last year and wondering just how our lives could have been turned upside down like this.

CT10 - so sorry you are having a rough day too. keep strong, you are doing so well and he's obviously finding it hard that you are.
Do try and eat though. I've been living on whatever I cook for DS. Lots of bland chicken casseroles etc but at least its good food and I really don't care what it tastes like right now.

WIMH - I just don't get how H can be claiming to be desperate to spend time with your DCs but clearly not bothered by their needs. The selfishness just goes on and on doesn't it. Reckon you are right not to give in to it. Can you turn your phone volume off? That's what I do and then you couldn't be tempted/wound up by repeat calls.

WDYAT - Hope you get a decent response to solicitors letter. Is it all part of the power thing for him not to be in touch do you think? Really don't know what goes on in these BOYS heads. This is their choice and decision but for some reason they feel the need to be tarzan to boot. Whats that all about? H rang me (DS) this morning to wish him happy birthday (DS cut him off HAHA) and said he would call again tonight to find out how the day went. Then sent a text tonight to say he was too busy at work. I never asked him to call in the first place so presume again it was a power thing. Have not responded.

Still as much as it winds me up all of this, I still hope that someday soon he is going to see the light, in more ways than one, and sort himself out and come home. How pathetic am I.

wimh, it made me think that my h was not liking not having someone to chat too about the general day to day stuff. He would ring and talk about anything from work to family problems. I used to fall back into it too quick and now realise I was giving him both of best worlds.

CT10, I do agree with chippingin, your h will soon show his true colours with your dc.

Lisal, yeah I do think its a power thing. He has never gone this long before without speaking to the kids. His mil said he is still picking dc2 up tommorow for afterschool club..He still hasnt rang me so as far as I am aware he isnt! Even when I first found out about ow and then recently found out he was still seeing ow he never went this long without contact. I think it is just a control thing so he can say 'well she hasnt rung me either'. Well done for not responding to the text, I know just how hard it is when they make contact not to jump to their tune (or maybe that is just me!)

I can now see that in time my h will regret his decision. But what really annoyed me was when I told my mil that he was still seeing the ow and I hope she was worth everything he had lost she said 'so do I'. Maybe she meant it in the same way I did but everyone I have told seems quite shocked that she said it.

I dont know who's dc it was but mine have not asked after their dad either. Says it all.

It's hard with MILs isn't it? I think mine is shocked and disappointed with H but at the end of the day, he's still her son. But mine has always been a bit weird. When we got engaged, the next time we saw her, she waited til I had gone home and then gave H an engagement card!

I imagine yours would have meant it in the same way you did. You'd have to be a bit hard to say it in any other way.

I nearly did cave in and send a text almost begging him to just come home. Because really I don't want to play games, I just want a happy family.

Balls, DS woken up ( 2 back teeth arrived today - special birthday treat!!)

Chin up all.

xx

Well done for not caving in though! Up until last week when mine rang and I saw his number I was jumping to answer it. The space he has given me this week has been great. Although when he starts ringing again wanting to talk I am not sure I will be able to keep it up! I just want a happy family too but now I dont think I am willing to put my happiness aside for that and if I am honest it wouldnt be happy with him in my life. I can see that things were not right before and just how much he walked all over me and slightly controlled things to his advantage. But it has taken me 5 months to get here! Just hope I can keep it up now!

It is really tricky with mils, mine only rang as she said she hadnt spoken to us in ages. I made it clear AGAIN that she could see the dc whenever she wanted as long as they rang first, she said, she is too busy to do anything at the moment what with all the extra washing and ironing she now has to do . She is talking about my h's washing and ironing and he is a 34yr old man who can do it himself!

Hope you ds is ok, teething is a nightmare. Well done on getting through the first birthday celebrations.

Hi everyone - hope it's not too bad today for you.

I'm struggling still. I really don't want any contact at all with H, I don't want to speak to him or see him, I just can't bring myself to atm. I feel I need a lot of space without him in my face - is that wrong? When he originally left he said he needed space, well now I need mine and lots of it. I just feel total humiliation at the moment and just want to pretend he's not here and I don't have to deal with him. If I ever saw him again at the moment it would be too soon.

Hi MNs

My H is imploding and I'm really starting to think he is unwell. He sent all those texts yesterday and then rang constantly whilst was putting the kids to bed last night, at bedtime. He has texted loads of times this morning, saying I "can forget about mediation..". He said "we had an agreement he could see/ring kids last night .." (we clearly didnt) and if I dont "let him see the kids tonight (he texted at 6.46pm when they were in bed!!) then he "will see solicitor Friday".. (good) He also said " Since you have broken our agreement for me to see the children on Wed (there was none!), I will assume that we have no agreement over money either".

He is basically threatening me with no money again as he didnt get his way last night. I wondered if he had been drinking as he's not being rational. It's almost as if he is saying something in his head over and over and making himself believe it.

Couldnt get solicitors appoint today as mine is away this week but seeing her colleague tomorrow morning (fri) because I cant let him keep doing this and I am getting frightened at how far he will go. Thinking I am going to need to file for divorce myself under his unreasonable behaviour rather than wait 2 years before I can on the grounds of separation. I think it might give me more say over the timing and stop him from all these attemps to bully me. I have realised that regardless of what he used to be, he's not that man now and there is no going back. I might as well divorce him.

What do you all think? How on earth can he say I'm being unreasonable and witholding the children from him? He works long hours and never was a hands on father, so he has this idea he is going to present himself as devoted loving father who is being kept away from his DC just because he has left. ???

He's not speaking to anyone, even his (male) friends about what he's doing. I wish he would talk to someone rational who can calm him down and say "wait for mediation". Even if he believed he had some agreement that we didnt, a normal person would think, there has been some kind of misunderstanding, lets sort it out calmly by talking. He can't even wait a week or two. All I am seeing is his anger and it seems out of control.

I am scared at how far he will go. He told me last week that he could say all sorts of things about me, if I mentioned to the solicitor any of the things he had done (ie hit doors, pushed me, hit me, driven erratically in temper whilst baby & I were in car). He said he could say I was not a good mother and that I hit him. None of which are true. The kids have seen him shout in my face and DS seen him hit me. I did hit him back a couple times when he grabbed me hard and was hurting me holding onto me, a girlie hit accross the arm, the first time it stopped him, the second time he hit me so hard back I fell backwards. He told me it was my fault as I had hit him. Not really the whole story is it?

I always separated out his anger outbursts from who he was, as most of the time he was lovely and charming, but occasionally he exploded and you needed to duck. He is like a Jeckyll and Hyde character and all I am seeing now is the Hyde bit (is that the right bit?). Is he going to explode at work? Is he going to do worse to me?

H saw the kids on Mon, we agreed he would ring them 5.30pm on thursdays (not near bedtime) and he is due to have them all day Sat and Sunday. I am so making sure he sees them regularly.

Why is he exploding over wanting to see them this Wed night as well? He never normally sees them this much. We couldnt do another week of little sleep, he turned up 40 mins late last wed and they were over hour late for bed. Then got up after he left. I couldnt physically do another week like last week, I just want him to pace it for the children and let things settle down.

WIMH He sounds like an arse. Just picking up on one thing you said though, "Even if he believed he had some agreement that we didnt, a normal person would think, there has been some kind of misunderstanding, lets sort it out calmly by talking" you werent picking up the phone when he called last night so that wasnt really a feasible option (dont mean to play devils advocate).
Could you perhaps correspond by email today to try to sort out where the misunderstanding arose. Be calm and factual, and take the moral high ground, and dont allude to the money threat. Leave it as a separate issue.
You're being very strong. Well done.

Hi SIDI
Ahh, yes, good idea, had sent him a polite email this morning just before read your post! Sorry wish I had read yours first, I did alllude to the money threats though, said it didnt help to settle things if he kept doing that. But had it in different paragraph to the stuff about contacts. It is difficult knowing what is best to do.

Didnt pick up phone yesterday as still with kids when he was ringing as baby kept waking up on telephone. Then was scared to ring him back as could tell he was angry since he'd kept ringing the phone. Thought it was better not to ring him back to speak to him when he is like that as he tends to errupt and say things that he then cant go back on.

Worried though even sending him polite email, as every email I send seems to get him more angry even if they are innocuous factual ones.

Nightmare isnt it, trying to know what to do for the best - however, at least you can save the emails, keep copies and show your solicitor you tried to be reasonable.

I think you are being amazing hun, in fact all of you ladies are - you are amazing, strong and lovely, lovely women, keeping it going for your LOs through all this heartache, keep it up. None of you deserve all this sht, but you only get stronger by wading through it - think how fantastic you'll be at the end of the shtty path!!

Sending you all big hugs and strength.

SIDI thanks. Wondering where all this calmness & strength to keep going (& keep trying to do what is reasonable) is coming from. It's like an underground peaceful lake inside me I've suddenly tapped into that I didnt know was there.

Have left him a voice msg on his mobile saying, "good you are going to solicitor, feel free to still do that, but do you also want to ring me tonight after kids are in bed when you are feeling OK to talk, as it would help to try to keep things calm between us and talk through any misunderstandings".

Can't do much more than that. He'll either calm down or carry on firing off. Either way, he's not who I want in my life.