Have been lurking on this thread since the beginning and just have to get my (very long, sorry) word in...!
Firstly, can I say to all you ladies out there who've been abandoned by the father of their children - and it's shocking and saddening to see how many of us there are - Thank God for Mumsnet. Please keep posting.
One year ago today I found a text on my H's phone confirming his affair - everything I'd been suspecting for the previous six months. I thought that as I'm a year down the line, you might all be interested to know where I've gone wrong and how it's all panned out. Depressingly, our lives and end of our relationships seem to have all followed the same gloomy path so I guess there's no reason why your next year won't be much different from mine.
We were married reasonably young (24), head over heels in love with each other and already accidentally pregnant with DD1. A year later, DS was on the way and I was struggling with PND. After several years of hard bloody work, I finally accepted my new position as a mother and began to really enjoy our marriage - and along came DD2. H was a completely wonderful kind, patient man and we were the envy of all our friends with our lovely marriage.
And that really is it. Major work stress on his part caused him to act strangely, I became insecure...and as usual (BIG lesson learned here), what I'd worried and begun to obsess about finally came to pass. Looking at some of the posts on MN, it always does.
So...the moment I'd caught him with the text and snatched the phone off him, the first thing he said was "Right, I'll go then". I should have let him go. Stupid cow that I am, I knew then that I wanted to fight for our marriage. Not for a minute thinking in his head it was already over, I didn't get the hint that he was just looking for an excuse to leave. He finished it with the OW. I made him go to counselling, thinking he was having a mid life crisis, and she told him that he had to do what was right for him. We'd already paid for our holiday in August with friends, so we went, but the moment we were in the car driving home, I wanted to talk about why he'd been such a grumpy arse all holiday. He then finally admitted that our marriage was over. What a lovely drive through France THAT was!
We limped through September and October, me clinging on to hope that we could save it - any marriage as good as ours was had to stand a chance...he simply too cowardly to actually take the step he obviously wanted to. No major rows, but not much talking about what was going on, he simply can't. It would have really helped me. We tried counselling but to be honest he didn't even WANT it to work. After the second session I was so devastated I had a good long think and eventually told him that he had to stop living here and find a place on his own. He did this six weeks later at the end of November.
At first I thought "Good riddance!" felt empowered, and was on a bit of a high - all my friends and both sides of the family rallying round "Ooh, what a bastard, and your beautiful kids, and you're so gorgeous! How could he?", and I saw him all the time. I knew I had to be strong for the DC otherwise they would fall apart. He still kissed me and hugged me - still does. I began to think we could even salvage some sort of friendship out of this.
He spent Christmas day with us all, the kids weren't bothered when he left to go back to his flat. Only when they were in bed did I cry and cry over the loneliness of it all. So, I thought I was kind of coping. Getting over it. Got a new job in January which really helped take my mind off it, just slowly picking up the pieces of my life and thinking how brilliant I am because I'm coping! I'm coping! Throughout February...party invites pouring in, friends left right and centre...met a guy who I just didn't have the confidence to sleep with but, hey, he was 10 years younger and gorgeous! But I couldn't face a rebound relationship so the whole thing fizzled out very quickly. I even went to H's sister's wedding and had a bloody brilliant time, all of us. She was so glad I went, and so am I. After all, the DC are still related to them, always will be, and I love all his family dearly.
Then I hit March and it actually dawned on me just what had happened. I hit rock bottom. It took nearly four months from him leaving untill it sank in - he's never, ever coming back. And over Easter a tidal wave of grief such as that I've never experienced washed over me and has left me reeling.
He's seeing someone that I used to work with - an old mate of mine - and he still works with (he used to be my boss). She's older than me with 3 DC, just going through a divorce, and I am so heartbroken. I've had to dig really hard to find this out. He hasn't got the guts to just come out and tell me. She doesn't give a shit about my feelings - and he has compassion fatigue so neither does he. He kind of hinted to his sister this weekend that she was the one he had the affair with...ooh, that hurts so much. They've taken all the kids out together, like the fucking Brady Bunch, and my DC have been acting very strangely ever since. Am I wrong not to want them all to go out together? Is it just me being jealous that makes me think my children deserve time with him alone on their one day a week with him? I know they don't like it, but I don't talk about it to them unless they introduce the subject - I don't want them to feel torn.
I think that I and my DC have always had the faint idea in the back of our heads that he will come back one day.
Anyway, lessons learned:
It's easy to think you're over them straight away, but be prepared for the fact that it will probably hit you properly at some point in the future - possibly when you think you're coping and are ok.
Make sure you know exactly where you are with this - admit to yourself if you secretly want him back and be realistic if he isn't coming back. It will hurt a lot, but the more pain you feel now, and the more you accept things, the less you will feel in a year's time, I promise you.
I am over his affair now - can go to the places they went. Time really does heal. I've dealt with the past and it took me about 6 months. But the future is a different thing altogether, and that's what is the hardest thing to come to terms with. Financially and emotionally.
Don't be all moany with him. They really hate it when you are coping without them, but they hate it more when you're not.
Keep the children out of your feelings about the whole thing. Let him dig his own grave. They will realise in the future what he is.
Keep close to his family - they are related to your DC, and (sounds really awful, this, but I really have reached rock bottom) it's lovely to have the moral high ground - the pleasure of knowing you have behaved beautifully.
That's the end of my self-indulgent ramblings. Just wanted all you lovely ladies to know there will be life on the other side though it can be a struggle to get there. Good luck xx