Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WIMH, Yes literally the night before I went away he told me he wanted us to try(his actual words were that he thought we WAS trying) He wanted me to ring solicitor there and then to call off all the legal side. Luckily it was 5pm and the office was closed! Day after we got back found the payg phone. Turns out he wasnt just seeing her again but he had never stopped! Had spent the last 4 months with him lying to both of us. The ow is only 19(just!) and doesnt seem bothered about the fact he been lying to her too. As far as I am aware they are still seeing each other.

My h is also a fan of the 'I dont know' phrase. He doesnt know what he wants and seems to think he can still talk to her and me as if nothing is wrong. He seems to have some kind of infatuation with her and cant let her go. I would understand if she was attractive and mature but as it is she isnt either!.

We have been busy all weekend and just got home. Still havent heard from h since his 'is it worth it' comment about having our dd for a few hours Saturday. Must admit I am a bit pissed off that he hasnt even tried to contact me(even though I have no intention of speaking to him!)

CT10 I also over think everything that has happened and driven myself mad in the process. I just will never understand it. I have now started having very strange dreams about my h and the ow(including one where he told me she was pregnant and I couldnt stop slapping him!)

Im determined to not engage in conversation with him this week. He slips back into talking to me too much like my old h and then in turn we fall back into him being a daily part of my life(phonecalls/texts etc)He can work his way round me too easy, well he could work his way round the OLD me too easy.

WIMH, Glad you and the dc had a great day out at the beach. Just what you all needed no doubt.

LisaL, It is a complete up and down of emotions isnt it. I hope your doing ok. I am sure your ds will have a fantastic 1st birthday.

So my plan for tommorow is to get onto the solicitor as he still hasnt signed the form to confirm the marriage has broken down and push for her to make the next move.

Hope everyone is doing well this bank holiday Monday!

I think my H has another woman - putting lots of pieces together and keep coming up with the same answer.

I feel horrendous at the moment. He is not answering his mobile or replying to my texts - the silence is deafening. I am furious, I have been raising 4 DC, putting up with all the financial infidelity and now this.

I think I need to burn this particular bridge for him - there is no way back for us if what I am thinking is true.

Please give me some strength everyone - I'm going to need every ounce available now.

CT10, I am so sorry that you feel thats the case. Is there any chance that you may have jumped to the wrong conclusion in regards to him having a ow or are you fairly certain?

It is very annoying when you ring and they dont answer or they dont reply to text my h is a pro at doing that. With me though it just makes me more furious and I keep ringing as I think well I am here with our 3dc and he doesnt know WHY I am ringing him it could be for any reason.

I know how hard it is to not contact them but try your hardest and eventually it will get better. Im a fine one to talk as I am only on day 3 of not ringing him just to 'talk' or see what he is upto. Turn your mobile off or something.

Sending you lots of strength, keep posting. We are all here.

I keep going over certain things and trying to make the right answer but it doesn't work. He has been so evasive over so many things that I think I just don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

I want to believe him, I want to believe that he is having some sort of crisis. There are so many financial and business problems, he is a compulsive gambler (says he hasn't gambled for 3 weeks now - who knows), he has taken us to the brink and this is how he repays me. I am almost sure there is an OW, he is evasive about where he is staying, has not been in contact with his family (his sister thinks there is an OW because of his behaviour).

I have confronted him with what I think her name is. Basically he was texting and left of voice mail and now silence when I texted that I wanted a serious chat, fed up with being left limbo and being fed half truths and BTW I think her name is X. Absolute silence and mobile now off (straight into answerphone) - it is my only means of contacting him if there is an emergency with the kids as I have no idea where he is staying.

He is incapable of making a decision in his life - procrastination is his middle name.

I don't want it to be true as I thought I loved him (now beginning to wonder who I have been with the last 10+ years) but I think I need to start taking control. I am really scared because our financial situation is dire and I am totally dependent on him ATM

Trying not to panic.....

No matter what the lies have been about once you have been fed them its always hard to believe them again. I wont believe a word my h says in a hurry again.

You seem faily certain that he does have a ow and I know just how sickening that feels. Its just there all the time isnt it. Try to eat something(I couldnt when I found out and stil have days that I cant) and get some rest. If you need to contact him for an emergency(and I am praying that your not put into that situation) just ring him and leave a voicemail. He may have it off and picking up messages later or something.

You do wonder who this stranger is and look back and think of situations and think I wonder if he was with her that time etc. None of that can be helped but it also isnt helpful to torment yourself by going over it (I done this a LOT)

As for finances I am a sahm and have been completely dependant on my h too, if you havent already speak to tax credits and check out if there is anything else you are entitled to claim to ease that burden. In the early days I hated having to hold my hand out and ask him for money as he still had that control over me(he didnt give me money for food shopping went and bought it himself so was even controlling that!)

I know exactly how you feel, you can and will get through this but these moments of discovery and putting together the pieces are just dreadful. Taking control will make you feel better. It will feel strange to start with but it really does help.

Thank you, WDYAT - your words are comforting. I'm about as thin as I can be ATM - lost over a stone since he left 5+ weeks ago - I'm 5ft 1ins and now about 6 & half stones - size 6 is too big. I'm trying to eat but my throat is jamming atm.

I've left a voicemail that we need to talk, he maybe driving back from Uxbridge so may have his phone off but it doesn't make sense. I think I caught him out and he is planning his next move.

I found that my h wouldnt talk until he was ready to. I would literally beg him to talk and be 'honest'(something I know now he will never be! But it was always when he was ready. I would snatch these chances as me asking would get me no where. My h when he was caught out on lots of little things would blow his top scream and shout at me then get back to me in his own time with his explanation. If you know how your h works you may know what his next move will be.

I know what you mean about the weight, another size 6 here! None of my clothes fit right and would do anything to put some weight on. When you feel like eating eat(even if its rubbish!) but dont force it down. I have been physically sick more times then I care to think over all this.

You have left the message now maybe, as hard as it will be, leave it upto him now. There is no more you can do. He will have to speak to you at some point there is no getting round that. But this will also give you some time to think and get your thoughts around what is going on.

I do understand just how terrible the first few days are. I used to think well this time next week we would have at least made SOME progress in moving things on/talking.

Keep strong.

CT10 Thinking of you xxxxxxx
Sending a bit of courage. It's been kept warm for a few days.

Dont let it all be about him. This is about you and the DC now. Sod him and what he is or isnt doing. Any OW at the moment is not going to be a threat to you or patch on you, no dignified woman would get involved with a man who had a (or was midst leaving his) wife & DC.

There's some practical things to sort out about the money and stuff. I dont know how you get that done, so I am no help.

Can you limit any more damage he does to your finances ? (will it help to speak to the mortgage company and to the bank to see what your options are?)

Great day today.

H playing silly buggers and being a bully. But the rest of it was great, lots of fun visiting friends and play dates. And I didnt dance to H's tune once.

We'd agreed he could visit the DC this morning. He turned up 11am saying "Oh I thought it was this afternoon". I imagine the duvet monster got him. I just commented dispassionately that it was a shame he'd missed most of his morning with the DC as he only had 1 hour and 15 mins left and the DC would have liked to have seen him longer. We had a prearranged playdate for lunch with my friend and her DD. Then I went to (another prearranged) old friends for tea with all the kids at 3pm and just got back for bedtime. So been out most of the day. Absolutely brilliant day.

H said as he left that he "would see them on Wed or we would have to talk about the money again" (ie. I'd get less). I never agreed to him coming over this Wed so I dont know where he got that from. I suggested the Mon morning visit so he wouldnt have a long gap from last wed to next weekend before he saw DCs again. Kids were however exhausted from getting out of synch last week when he turned up Wed evening 40 mins late & they wouldnt go to bed, it took me 3 nights to settle them back to 7 oclock bedtime and they and I were really tired as a result. Cant do that every week, happy to try every other week and see if things settle.

I just shut the door on him as no point in talking to him when he is trying to bully. I think he's just making it more stressful than it needs to be, more on him than me. He's almost making himself more miserable!

My h spends as much time as he can with puppy eyes and a hurt expression which is doing my head in. Im the one whos fing hurt!
Have cleared out his pants drawer and filled it with random stuff of mine and the kids, made me feel better 4 a moment or 2.
Live in a village with 1 solicitor which on the web says it specialises in family law, d and sep etc, taking it as a sign and will try and make myself go in on the way back from presch. When i had pnd i couldnt cross the road, just incase... so will have to plan my route as am getting scared again.

Didnt make the size 6 as was pregnant and losing weight, be careful am now into comfort eating! Though smaller than been 4 5-6 years so a plus there somewhere.

Spent the day with his bro and wife, very strained! Nearly crashed on the way home as so knackered, think it was emotional and had to crash out on sofa. Poor kids they were starving but i just needed 15mins as literally couldnt stand up.

He prob spent the day enjoying himself and spending money. I have to ask 4 money tomorrow, always a joy!

I just know we will all get through this but its just so sad. Love to all x

My situation has been making me feel sick for months now, but reading that you ladies are all living it too makes me feel worse that this seems to be so common. It seems that our men think that this is acceptable behaviour. I think I am a bit of an old fashioned girl but I believe that everyone has difficult times but you don't just run away at the first (2nd, 3rd) hurdle if you've got any kind of balls. But that is what they've done. It seems to me that it is so easy for them, and we then have to pick up the pieces with EVERYTHING. DCs, home, finances. And then they have the cheek to play power games.

Most of the time I'm not angry, just sad for DS and what I thought we had. But reading about your stories makes me angry on all our behalves! It's just not right.

This time last year, on my birthday, I was in labour with our DS. Now here we are in a situation I never ever would have imagined.

It all sucks.

Sorry for ranting...

Well here goes. He apparently met someone and moved in with her in the 5 wks he has left me - I'm not as green as the cabbage I look. He even played happy families with her last weekend with the DC - told me he was staying with an old school mate. He's playing me for a fool - well not anymore.

Can someone tell me - he wanted to have the kids to stay over this weekend. I have now told him there is no way he is playing happy families now. I'm not sure where I stand legally on this and I'm not sure what to tell the kids about daddy now. He told them he was feeling poorly and was going away to get some rest.

I know I can't prevent him from seeing the kids but this is all too much at the moment.

CT10 Legally you cannot stop (without court order) xh seeing the Dcs.I have made my xp agree to not introducing her new partner under any circumstances (even though dd has met her in thepast as she was a mutual"friend"). She has agreed to this (amongst other conditions)
I was told by a solictor and a counsellor that as a Mother-you do have more rights and if you think it in the best interest of the Dcs then you can insist on contact only being at a certain location.Very difficult to enforce if access is outside the ex-marital home but I woudl say that introducing the children to a new partner within 5 weeks is unacceptable.Any child expert would agree-the poor children have enough to deal with without establishing another relationship and of course the ptential that they establish a relationship with the OW (vomit emoticon) andthen they split up.Just unacceptable andunreasoable that he expose them to it.

FFS that sounds wrong wrong wrong to me. I don't know legally but I totally agree with you that I don't want my DS to be taken to play happy families with anyone other than me right now. If DHs don't want to BE with their families, why do they want to PLAY happy families with anyone else.

I did read in the mediation letter (haven't been yet but something worth looking into for any of you who haven't already) that children shouldn't be used as pawns or weapons by either parent after a split but it's bloody hard to just let them go anywhere without feeling that there ought to be some groundrules.

Sorry countingto10, not at all helpful but big hugs to you right now.

Plus, in what normal world does someone leave their wife, children, meet someone new AND move in with them in 5 weeks?

I still haven't caught up with all the posts here (onpage5 so far) but there are so many stories identical to mine. I mean really. It's like reading my diary (if I had time/inclination to write one).

Is there an epidemic of this apparent breakdown/midlife crisis/ who knows what right now or is this always going on and I never realised it?

Hope you are ok CT10.

CT10 thats just awful, surely he was born with a little more compassion than that! Obviously not...

Get to a lawyer 2moro. Am taking WIMH's advice and trying to avoid kneejerk reactions myself, think you need to be wary too - just go for the whiter than white stance, a wise person told me that for the dcs i needed to be able in years time to put my hand on my heart and say idid all i could and that i acted like a GROWN UP! Prehaps he needs to be told this too!!!!

Hard advice to follow, im struggling but what else to do?

IWMI- ia m also taking the "whiter than white" approach. I would early love to never see XP ever again but legally I can't -she has full parental responsibility (issued by court).Even if i could,I wouldn't becasue in the years to come,if they ever met up,XP could tell DD I stopped her seeing her.
Am hoping that (sooner rather than later)XP "tires" of having DD or the conditions I am setting and chooses to bugger off.Many friends feel she will....I am not so sure.
Having OW ion the scene is not only a complication but so painful

To all in this poxy situation -

A friend that I hadn't spoken to in ages rang me the other day when I was having a really bleak day. She hadn't known what had happened in our world so I updated her. She said to me that either DH would sort himself out and come back as a mature husband and father, if I wanted him back, or that there would be something better in store for me. It may take months or years to know which will happen but at least it's 2 positive options at a time when not much feels very positive. Wherever you believe these things come from, there must be a plan for our lives.

That helped me to feel that one day things will be alright again. I'll stop feeling sick, losing weight, crying at any random thing and me and DS will be happy. Either with, or without his daddy.

We all will.

Have had enough, am off to bed to toss and turn and worry. Have to follow the natural order of things as 3 dcs to get up and out the door in am, plus cat starving!

Will check up on u all 2moro, take care and sleep tight xx

Didnt mean of you all! Of me and my worring (and the tv)! x

IWMI-we "got it"

H maintains he didn't introduce OW - it was a day out with friends (she and him took her DC and our DC crabbing) God he's delusional and a bloody liar .

Off to track down a good lawyer tomorrow.

Off to bed and hopefully some sleep. I'm sure my lovely nan is with me in spirit - her h did this to her 60 yrs ago - left her with 3 DC (youngest aged 3 with CP) for OW - never paid her a penny maintenance. If she could survive then, then so can I now.

CT10-I would be making voodoo dolls if I were in your position
Every time XP has DD I worry (for good reason as I know her new partner's history) that she will introduce them.I too feel physically sick at the thought.
Go see that lawyer (seek out those with 30 mins free advice) and go for it.

Would it be terribly wrong to dump all his stuff in bin in front garden. I want every bit of him out of this house for as long as I've got it. I will tell him I doing it so he can collect.

Should say "bin bags".