Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Taking it slowly but it hurts so much. How can they not put thier children first? When he first left we had a chat about not letting this disrupt our son. I was so upset that he considered that I would do anything else other than put him first. He clearly does not see the things I have given up and do for our son.

Where abouts on the south coast are you ladies? I am near southampton if anyone fancies meeting up with the children and getting out?

You ladies are stronger than you think you are hang on in there. x

My h has still been talking to me like nothing has changed. He goes round in circles, nice one minute wanted someone to confide in and talk to then when I pressed him for what was going on with us he would get angry then say sorry and then back round again. I am trying to avoid his calls now. I know he thinks that in a few days I will start answering again but this time I am determined not to do that. So lovely mnetters when I have my moment of weakness and want to talk to him I hoping you can all pull me back from it!

My h really does want to dip in and out of fatherhood. When it suits he wants to be there for them but on the whole he wants his own life seperate from us.

I have lots of friends around me and family. My h has noone he will freely admit to that. His 'true' friends are not speaking to him as they are all lovely men very involved with their dws and dc and think what he has done to me is just awful. All he has is a few blokes at the club to talk to all of which are much older then him. I call it his 'sad divorced old mens club' and now he is free to join!

I have to say my h looks like crap right now. I on the other hand have lost all the baby weight from dc3, have been on holiday and have a nice healthy looking tan! A old friend of his was on the school run the other day and said I was looking really good! A little boost for the day.

Hi, we're in Chandlers Ford, just north of Southampton.

Looking up directions to beach at the moment, to meet up with our RL friends at beach with kids. Never been to this beach before. Normally do days out like this with H. Really nervous as daunting to drive and read directions at same time.

All on my own today. We're going to do the ferry accross to the sandbanks too.

Have tea date with old friends tomorrow.
H is coming round in morning "to mow lawn" but really to see kids and try to pretend he's a good guy.

A good guy would NEVER leave his family and DW and plan his life on his own. A good guy would have tried to talked it through and tried to find a compromise or a way of working whatever it was out I can never look at him the same now he has done this. It's such an ugly window into who he is underneath

Good for you WDYAT
Glad you are looking good.
When did you go on holiday? Did you do it on your own or with the DC?

Gotta go, beach is calling!

I can do this. DCs are very excited and telling me I'm the BEST mummy in the world.

Might be nervous but I am going to be the BEST Mummy in the world today so worth giving it a go!!!

new ladies - so sorry you have had to join us

Sorry no personal messages but have come to drop a little bomb shell.....

Just got a BFP (positive pregnancy test for those not in the know.....)

Obviously its husbands and now I am totally floored! WHat next?!!!

We went just before the easter hols. Was meant to be a break from each other(h and I) and a chance to think. It was just before we left that he said he wanted us to try again and was the day after we got back I found out he was still seeing the ow. The dc and I went with some other family. Was a lovely break. Just a shame to come back to all this crap still!

Enjoy the beach, I know exactly what you mean about the driving thing, never driven on my own on anywhere I dont know(or very far for that matter!) as it was always my h who would do that. Oh well something else to get used to and once you do it once you will know you can do it! Oh and by the sounds of it your already one of best mummys in the world! Hope you and your dc have lots of fun.

OMG TSL!!

Really don't know what to say......how d you feel about it?

WISMH we are down the road from you - spent the day at Marwell. Well done you on planning a fab day for the DC and driving.

TSL - OMG? hope you are ok?

WDYAT - glad you are looking good, a boost to your day. Keep up the hard work.

We are all off to the beach tomorrow - weather permitting and visiting my dad - not sure I can pretent to play happy families. None of my family know yet I just can't put them through that again (already 1 divorce behind me).

Eve and WHoosh - well actually I am thrilled - I had always wanted 3 or 4 children and one of the things that i was so upset about apart from losing my H and family life as I knew it was that I wouldn't feel able to go on and have more children. Told H today he was floored - hes gone off to think very carefully about what happens now. So am I to be truthful

funny two weeks ago I'd have done anything to have him back now I am able to think rationally and calmly about it. Being pregnant shouldn't be the thing that forces us together again - it should be cos we want to.

Hope the beach trip has gone splendidly WIMH!!

TSl-think there is some sensible self-protection happening inside you right now.You seem very strong and clear headed-wish I was the same.
I think if Xp hadn't left me for someone else I may be getting stronger by now....but I am not.

Xp had DD this weekend and have spent the whole of yesterday lost and today sobbing.I miss DD so much but I also miss the life we all had as a family.

whoosh I understand - its like the DCs are the one thing that you can be proud of and not feel you have failed with and when they aren't there they kind of rock your boat - you realise you (think) you have nothing else of worth - but actually you do you have SO much. It'll take time but soon you will come to appreciate DD free times to go and spend some time for YOU. Pamperuign and socialising or evgen just a good book or something good on tv.

Hang in there x

TSL - that is great, only you know if being together is right or not. Glad you are ok with it. Am thrilled for you - I would love another DC.

Whooosh - so sorry to hear you have had a difficult weekend, I know I would be the same. I have planned to decorate the hall stairs and landing when DP takes DS to his parents in 2 weeks time. Something he has talked about doing for 2 years and never got round too.

Well I tried to plan-I have cleaned the house (twice),mowed the lawn (badly),cleaned out the hamster,cleared out the playroom and numerous other meaningless tasks. Just hate the silence and the things we used to do at weeends.The idle chatter and planning for the future-even shopping......

silverlining Bloomn' brilliant news! Timing sucks mind, but what wonderful wonderful news. Of course you need to have a good think about it but I think you will know what you want to do, whatever is right for you xxxx Good luck and keep us all updated, thinking of you xxxxx

Well girls, sounds like we were all keeping busy this weekend. V Proud of you. It helps having a plan each day, doesnt it? Even if you only achieve half of it, it keeps you going. I managed to get lost on the way to the beach, but kept calm and treated it like part of the adventure. I asked for directions (HAH! Cunning method rarely employed by H! I had overshot) and found Mudeford beach in the end. A parking space magically appeared infront of me just by the quay for the (small) ferry. It was weird to have to drive as well as read directions. I'll get better at it.

I was a bit teary eyed at times at the beach with all the DCs and our joint friends. I watched the kids play and kept my chin up. I can't see H being part of the group again in the same way - I wouldnt have thought they'd invite him to that kind of outing as it's the girls that organise those kind of things. The men just come along for the ride. I am secretly glad he will start missing out.

I know what you mean about the silence. You have the noise of the children, but suddenly no adult company to share the children with. All those normal things I took for granted, the chatting, laughter and making jokes with/about the kids antics or what we'd been up to that day. I cant understand why H does not miss that, the sharing bit.

The DCs get my full attention now all day and all evening until they are in bed. I'm noticing that I have more time and more patience to give to them. I wasnt impatient before but I had more to do then. It's like life has slowed down and everything else can wait. We're a bit freer to go out now at weekends, not waiting on someone else who is tired and has other things to do.

I said to middle DD (4) and DS (6) today that it's OK to be sad and miss daddy when i was cuddling them dry from the shower- to be told "But mummy we are happy. We didnt see daddy much before. We dont miss him. We would miss mummy though so you mustnt ever leave us"!!!!! Confess to being hugely surprised. It's better than the teary cuddly stage they were in last week, but bit of a turn around! Perhaps they'll go up and down like me? Or maybe all those trips into my bed to cuddle me and having more of my attention is working wonders for them!!!

Have been absent 4 a while getting my head together but its not worked so have given up!
Have returned 4 some advice.... can I tell him he cant come and put the kids bed in the week, as hes told them he works away, cause it makes me feel bad? That i dont want to go to relate anymore cause if i hear him say "I dont know" again i will scream!
Friends, his best mate infact, tell me hes taking the piss and just out enjoying himslf and that hes just choosing the bits of parenting he wants and i should take control of if and when he sees them.
In fact i just want to smash his face in and never see him again but with 3dcs thats sadly impossible.
Do i have any choice here?
TSL being pregnant made me stay but know now that was all a lie 4 us. Take ur time b4 making any descions and mind those hormones, they r pesky!
But am glad to hear ur all getting through this, guess i am just on a particularly big wobble at the mo.

WDYAT - So you went away on a lovely holiday with your DC, doing some serious thinking about your marriage/family and to give him a break. He said what beforehand and then was seeing OW all the time you were away??? Good God, these men can lie their bottoms off cant they? I remember reading that bit in your thread now.. and how shocked I was at the time. Perhaps it's good that we're still able to be shocked - possibly we're not changing who we are despite our situations.

Glad you have a lovely tan and are looking good girl. Glad he is looking not so good.
It's Karma

IWMI Please keep going to Relate honey. "I dont know" is better than "I know", trust me. He's keeping it from the kids, which bodes well. It means he's not sure.

Do you want to keep him? Do you want to work things out? The moment you tell DC and start telling others, really is the moment you/he decided that things cant go back and it's the start of the end. I dont think it is easy to go to Relate each week. Maybe he is choosing the best bit of parenting, but the danger is, when you start being reactive that's when you push something towards an ultimatum.

Can you set some boundaries you are happier with about when he can come to put kids to bed- perhaps once week midweek and every other weekend? He'd feel the limit then but you're not being restrictive. Can you talk in Relate about how angry you are feeling towards him? It's a huge strain on you keeping this secret from your children, have you a friend you can confide in. Someone who's not his friend and can keep it secret with you?

And you are also waiting for HIM to make a decision. Can you take control in other ways? Start focusing on you, so he sees it's not all about him?

Want to cry have just thrown away a posh box of chocs with one sad lonely white one left cause i dont like white choc and he would always eat them 4 me.
Really cant believe this is happening to me.

Am going on the wagon... it just makes me maudling.

Even the cat hates me today.

Just feel im being played for a fool - still!
I do want things to work but he needs to change so much and i dont think he can do it or is willing. Am at a loss about how much more i can wait or do.

wimh - you know what I noticed exactly the same about the patience thing with the kids

I find I get stressed because H gets stressed and actually its his stress about the kids that makes me angry at them more than I would be otherwise

That make ssense?

I am definately taking my time with this decision. I am thrilled its happened but very scared that something might go wrong because i want it so much!

iwmi - you need to have some focus on you - sounds like its all about him him him right now =- what about getting your own head sorted? His head is his own problem just now x

Hello all, I haven't read all the pages yet as have just joined via a link from another post. But I will.

But wanted to lend my support and empathy too. There must be some very strange things going on in the testosterone atmosphere recently. I don't get what is wrong with these guys. Some people would give anything to have the loving wives, beautiful children and comfortable homes that these crazy men are walking out on.

My DH left on New Year's Day. We were doing the washing up after dinner when he said he thought he might move out for a couple of months. An hour later he was gone. DS was 8 months old (it is his birthday next week).

I have probably experienced every emotion under the sun in the last few months and so understand everything everyone on here is going through.

Good luck all.

IWMI - hang on in there.Only you can decide if it is worth the hard work. Give it some time and see how you feel about your DH. I was so angry and hurt, but after giving it some thought I am not hurt for me, but for my son.

LisaL - hope you are ok. It takes everything out of you when your life is turned upside down. I am sure you have done a fantastic job over the past few months. Hope your son has a wonderful birthday.

WE are off to play happy families today - bloody joke. was watch this space.

Hope everyone is doing ok so far today.

Had a bad night last night, over analysing/thinking every he has done and said over the last few weeks and sending myself mad in the process. Got to give it up/let it be etc - so much for my own advice. I just get the feeling he is lying through his backside/being economical with the truth etc - I have to let it go and sort myself out.