Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

WIMH - we'd love to have you back in the west country!!!! :-)

fadingaway - do come on here and vent with us - its been so good for me!

I'm very proud to say last night and today I had H practically begging to come and spend some time with me with a view to some action (he really does only think with his prick) and I was able to happily decline leaving him a tad miffed and very frustrated - mean of me I know but I laughed my head off at his begging "pleeeeeease....." Two weeks ago I would have (and did I am ashamed to say) caved in and let him have what he wanted in the hope he'd come rushing home. I realise now that isn't going to happen and I have so much more exciting things that can happen in my life!

WIMH - thanks again for letting us all hijack your thread like this x

oops sorry - bit trigger happy with the post button!

Wow Silverlining that's amazing. I wish I even saw my H. He isnt trying to get some action from me. He's just being calm and rational, and trying to be seen to be the good guy, when he's not angry and telling me he wont give me any money. At least your H sounds a bit confused. Mine is just cold and distant and "knows" he's "doing the right thing". He seems such a cold bastard. But then that is how he deals with things, just switches off. I would love for him to be over all the time acting a bit confused. It would make me feel much better than him just walking away and not looking back. I might as well have been a bit of wrapping he discarded. Yet, I know I was a devoted and funny wife, and brilliant mum to our DCs, & I know this is really all about him and not me.

Well done for not sleeping with him again, unless there is a definite change and recommitment there, you'll feel worse and he'll know he can come and go as he pleases.
I think he is more likely to realise what he is giving up by not getting action when he wants.

I've had a sometimes tearful day today, but I got through it. I spent time with my (our joint) friends with all the kids playing together in paddling pool. I had a few panics about what am I going to do about going on holiday with the kids suddenly now I am on my own; how do I get through each weekend, when it is so silent at home aside from the kids noise. There's no one to share things with now. But I thought he wont have that either and no funny stories about what the kids are up to each day. Hell of a thing for a "family man" to give up. So he is either not one, or he's going to feel the pain shortly.

wimh - thanks for your insight. I have lots of friends telling me to get him to not come round or talk to me unless its about the kids....but my heart wants to be his friend and show him what hes missing out on

i mean i keep getting mixed messages and its so confusing!! And whatever hes done - i still love him and i take my vows deadly serious

he is out with some friends tonight and wants to crash on the sofa to save him two taxis - one tonight home and one in the morning back here to have his sunday with the kids......it would be really childish of me to refuse and yet I am torn between thinking great opportunity to let him see I am calm and rational not screamign sobbing banshee that i have been previously (oh the shame!) and the thought that actually hes just taking the piss and assuming he can use and abuse as he sees fit.......aaarrrgh!!!

Sorry to hear those bastard tears have crept in today. I feel so much what you are going through and wish i could offer you a glass of red and a tissue and thrash it out between us. Tonight has been hard - sod all on the tv is there?!!! and with the good weather everyone off doing family bbqs!!! great huh?!

Thinking of you this evening x

Hi silverlining
Cheeky sod. So he leaves you but gets to crash on the sofa to save himself some taxi fares. I think you are right to not argue though, and look as reasonable as possible. Dont let him walk all over you though, if it doesnt suit you that he does that, then I would think it's OK to say, "well it's not really a good idea".

Middle DD is in my bed tonight (not every night), sleeping so gonna watch a bit of TV then head up for a lovely snuggle from my gorgeous 4 year old. Middle DD and DS told me some things earlier (out of the blue at the dinner table, totally unprompted) that set me thinking about how much they noticed about their dad. I'm trying to listen when they want to talk, and not let them hear anything bad from me about H.

Only because I am going for sainthood.
The better I am behaving the better I feel about how I'm coping with it all and what kind of mum I am. It's working so far, but not sure if I will always be able to do it.
Inside my head is shouting "your dad is a selfish flawed man who doesnt deserve me or you".

And I havent smashed any of his stuff, cut his trouser legs off nor did I smash his car into a wall. However I found his favourite t-shirt and 3 others he'd left in the wash from when he'd left. Thinking of quietly burning them in the garden burner, like a ritual.

my eldest was really annoyed when H turned up earlier -he was all like "what are you doing here - I don't want you here" and promptly went out to play!

I don't think these men realise the impact their shitty actions have on their children's opinion of them. Children aren't dogs are they? They don't love as unconditionally as we'd like to think....DS1 is feelign betrayed and hurt and doesn't trust his dad just now - hence he doesn't really want to see him as he can see already that he may not be able to be trusted....sad that he thinks that at his age

enjoy your snuggle tonight! I'm loving having the remote to myself and I told H his curfew if he wanted the sofa - he agreeed to 1030 so i guess hes not taking the pis sjust genuinely being cautious with his money (he is skint now hes on his own!!!)

Hi Ladies

Can I join you?

Not sure if some of you might have read my prevous posts, but my lying cheating husband has decided he doesn't want our 21 month old and me anymore.

I had PND diagnosed last November, took the tablets, had the counselling and I'm a changed woman, I was awful to him, shouting, crying, slamming doors and generally being a nasty cow! I thought we were getting through it until we had a huge row on boxing day and he left us. He came back two days later but I thought something wasn't quite right, checked his mobile bill (its in my name) and he had sent over 500 text to a mobile, I phoned it and it was a woman, needless to say he confessed to texting her, meeting her, kissing her and contacting her whilst DD and I were in the house , BUT he says its not an affair as they 'didn't shag'! I do believe him when he says he didn't have sex but I still think its an affair, especially when he told me he would never forgive a kiss!!

So, we went for an assessment with Relate, got everything out on the table and we felt so much better. A week later he left again for four days this time, I took him back as he decided he had been 'hasty', so he came back again, things didn't improve, he made no effort, ignored me for weeks, was nasty to me and now he's decided he doesn't want it to work but won't leave so I'm living in a house with a man who doesn't love me, in fact he even said I mean nothing to him apart from I gave birth to his daughter ..... twat!

Anyway, were still living in the same house, were waiting to rent it out and then I'm going to move to live with my parents 300 hundred miles away as I can't afford to live down South on my own and I also need their support. He is acting like nothing has happened, were getting on fine, cooking for each other but I can't believe he could possible want to be separated from his little girl, they adore each other. He has already got one family elsewhere and now he's going to have another, WTF is up with him!! How on earth is he going to see her, he works shifts, works weekends and has to give his ex the weekends he has his other kids for 6 months, so where will she fit in??

I've tried to explain to him and I know this sounds very big headed, but he will never get another woman to do the things I do with his two other children, I love them and have been a mother to them for 7 years now as their own mother is useless! All he is thinking about is himself, he hasn't thought about how all this will effect his other two kids, his parents, our friends etc. I really think he is having a mid life crisis (he's 42) or he's got the 7 year itch??

I think in less six weeks I will have gone and I'm absolutely terrified of being a single mum, I'm worried about money, finding a job, being on my own in fact bloody everything! I am giving him a really easy time of it and I'm thinking I might need to get angry again? We've agreed money he will give us, who's having what out of the house. So as far as he is concerned its all OK so we just carry on as normal, yet I feel awful, like I've been kicked in the stomach and having feelings of panic when I think about how its going to be?

Just realised this is such a moany post, sorry! And very long, but someone please give me some words of comfort and tell me if I'm doing the right thing by being so reasonable with him, or is he having me over!

thesilverlining, you sound so much like me! I do things like that with my H. Friends and family tell me not to talk to him other then for the kids etc but part of me wanted him to see me coping and getting on and realise what he is missing out on. I even let my H stay here one night after he went out and got pissed and thought maybe he would realise what he is missing out on.

Turning point today is that he is meant to have dc3 every Saturday for 4hrs as dc3 only 5/6months old and he left when she was 7 weeks as I thought that was fair to build up a relationship. He rang well after the time he was meant to have her and said is it really worth me having her now. Told him to do what he wants. He rang me bit later and I couldnt even answer the phone to him. He hasnt come and got her so he missed out. Thing is with my h I know he is crying to his ow about how much he misses the kids etc but if that was true surely he would have made a point of seeing our dd today. Wanker.

dear mums - I have been lurking on your thread as it has reminded me so much of my own - which started I think may time 2007 - titled " think i may have been right". I have been where you all are now - and come out of the other side with out exdp - much much happier and financially secure.

also now have a womderful new dp who worships me and my sons. exdp is the loser - his sons (well MINE) can barely tolerate him, despite not hearing a bad word. I can not begin to go in to the ins and outs of it all as its very long - but feel free to dip in my old thread, you will get where I am! Hopefully if you want it things will work out for you and your H's (I wanted that at the time!) but if they dont please know that your life, your childrens lives - do not begin and end with these selfish a-holes.

I now own my own house, (didnt get jack from him apart from my half - not married), my own new car, have a nice job, great friends and best of all - two lovely sons that I hope will grow in to well rounded lovely men that would never do this to their partners.

if you do find my thread - and have questions - ask away - I have been there, done that - am should probably set up a PI agency as I uncoverfed every untrusth and half truth the F-wit every tried to tell!

Good luck! x

please can you help I am on another thread I can't do links. I started drinking before and Ican't stopI want this to all go away. Please

Can I join too :-(

There must be something in the air. DP left us 2 weeks ago as he doesn't feel loved anymore. I have had PND sice DS was boen and really thought we had turned a corner I have tried so hard to be loving and kind. DP has a lot of time to himself which i feel second best too but dealt with it.

In the 2 weeks he hasn't been here he has come back to see Ds and complained about how tired he is constantly.

He has been away for the past 6 weekends and was meant to be here to see DS tomorrow but has decided to go fishing instead, because it is a bank holiday weekend and can see DS on Monday.

He clearly doesn't give 2 hoots about me and the fact that I might like a break? I think he is a selfish arse and really don't want him to come back home.

I have realised that I am grieving for my son and his 'family', but realise that we are better off without him.

Although I am not letting him off the hook easily. He is going to have to tell me he is calling it day.

I believe he has met someone else, but when confronted he is saying not. To many weekends away and his phone is tucked safely in his pocket, and all of sudden has started walking the dog.

I am worried about what the future holds, and I am also sad because we had planned TTC next year and it is unlikley that I will have another DC with anyone else due to my age.

So there you have it.

Men hey who would have em!

Morning MNs

Well, still feeling sad and lost.

But I am determined to keep going, taking it a day at a time. H is finding all sorts of reasons why he left us and why "the relationship doesnt work". Really though I am realising that whatever I do or did, it is all about him. He wont see anyone else's poiont of view nor will he try and he started telling me "why" I was doing things over a year ago, the worst reason he could think of and I kept saying but you dont know me if you think that.

I dont think he can do family and realise that since he never had a family he has no idea what is involved (his parents were expats in Africa and sent him to boarding school until his dad became ill at 15, his dad died 4 years later). I am fuming that he starting thinking about himself and only himself some time ago, as it makes me realise that he is a fake and wondering how long he has been lying to me.

Why would anyone want to lie to their partner and not share what was going on, and work through it together? He has no idea how to be in an adult relationship, a partnership. It's all been game playing and him listenning only to the thoughts in his head. He is a complete FU.

I'm taking it a day at a time and thinking "Right what do I have planned for today?".

I am exhausted this morning though, couldnt get out of bed.

Whereismumhiding.

It is such a difficult time. These men a just plain selfish. And that is what hurts the most for me that he doesn't care enough about me or our son to put more effort in. My life would be worthless if I did have my son. How is it he can easily walk away and not be in touch for days on end?

Just about to get us washed and dressed. Although not sure what we are doing today. I am gettign fed up with doing things on my own with DS but that is how it is.

At least the sun is shining.

Have an easy day today WIMH. My H has gone away for the weekend to sort his head out so it's me and the 4 DSs - I don't get the chance to sort my head out.

Hopefully the weather will stay good - on south coast like you - and I will get the lawnmower out. I always did the lawn when H was here so as my sister said, you did everything in the house so it's not like you miss him in that respect .

I'm thinking of getting some storage boxes to start packing his stuff up - getting a bit sick of all his clothes etc in the bedroom when he keeps saying his not coming back - may shake him up a bit if he suddenly thinks "oh she's moving on"....

Off to get the kids dressed - bit of a go slow for me too...

That's terrible, the H's who are letting their DC down. To go fishing???? Because it's too short a visit to see their DC. Strange priorities. I would drive 6 hours to see my DC just for a 20 min visit if that was all I had. I would never ever leave them in the first place.

I think you can take some comfort, the small bit where it is, those of you whose H's seem confused in some ways. Mine is just cold calm and rational as if nothing is different - when he isnt showing his anger and game playing. I'm not saying that confused is better, as it must be incredibly difficult when they are messing you about and you dont know what way to turn. But it shows they have some conflict inside them and realise they are losing something. Mine has just switched off. He's doing a job now on us. This is his latest project and he has objectives to meet. No emotion, no care for the DC or for me, he has what he wants to achieve (the access he wants, the house set up he wants so DC can come and visit..)

I never realised my H was so cold and detached. He is so different to me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am full of warmth.
I wish he were different. I wish he had a heart and some conscience but also the ability to be calm and be wise. He can suddenly cut me out of his life and talk himself into believing he is not losing anything. Do you think that will come back and haunt him later? His sister thinks he will regret it sometime in the future but never tell me. She doubts whether he will ever have the self awareness to realise what he could have done differently. She lives on her own (his only sister) as she says she doesnt like anyone in her space.

WIMH - I think it all goes back to their childhood - mine is totally screwed up by his. He has made contact with a psychologist but has yet to make an appointment. I can only hope and personally, I don't want him back until he has sorted out some of his (major) issues.

I think the best thing for you to do and what I am trying to do, is as that page from the website I linked to says, let them get on with it and work and build on ourselves. I don't think we have much of an option at the moment

So girls, we're on our own with our DCs today.

CT10 I think that is a great idea to start boxing up his stuff. I have started doing that too and plan next weekend when he has DC to go through the house as much as I can and box everything up and put it in the loft. We'll have a lot more space and be tidier. It will also start to look more like my house and not ours.

Shows something doesnt it? That the H's were doing less than they had us believe.

I miss the bit where we went out as a family at weekends to entertain the DC. There's something about walking hand in hand together while the DCs potter and play. We looked always like a happy little family. So I find it incomprehensible that he can switch from that to nothing so rapidly. He just wants to play at being a dad when he has them on his own. It's easy to just do it for a day or two here and there. Like playing at something. It's not the real deal.

I know part of this is his having a mid life crisis of some sorts, but most men dont throw their families away in this cold manner during that time. If he didnt seem so calm though I would think he was having a complete breakdown. I dont think he has any idea what is coming, when he's living on his own each night and not staying with his (warped) friend and bitching about their soontobeX wives. He will realise how alone he is then.

WIMH, I feel the same with my H his reasons for the ow(different circumstances I know) Are that he wasnt happy for a long time. I said to him yes we was his reply was 'well wdyat how many years back are you going'. Why dont they speak up at the time? He has tried to make out its all my fault, I am unsupportive, dont listen to him, go on at him when he goes out etc. I think I have been more then tolerate of his behaviour these last few years and his couldnt give a fuck about anyone but him attitude.

For me today is a good day but I have had a few bad days about it all. I always find the mornings the worse part(that and the evenings!) Keep taking it a day at a time. I read isheisnthe's thread this morning and it is a very positive story and shows there is a light at the end of it all.

I dont know how these men can walk away from their dc and not wake up every morning with regrets of not seeing their faces. I couldnt do it. I even told my h that he is a much stronger person then me as I couldnt look into my future and not imagine waking up with them everyday especially on their birthdays and xmas and missing all our dc3 '1sts'. Food for thought for him as I dont think he had looked that far into the future.

We have to remember that they are the ones missing out. We have our dc everyday and they dont. What a sad life for them. When our dc are adults and they know how their mums tried to make things work but their dads were not interested they will make their own minds up about it all and look after us, their mums, more then anything as they will know that we was ALWAYS there for them and picking up the pieces. I have tried everything with my h and it isnt going to go anywhere as he just cant give up his ow(a relationship which is never going to work) but I can look my dc in the eyes when they are older clear in the knowledge that I tried. My h cant do that.

God it's scary how many of us are in this situation.
My xp walked out after 15yrs (well rang to say she was leaving) 6 weeks ago-to be with a mutual "friend".
It is hell,DD (4) is in pieces and I really don't know which way is up.She sees DD regularly which always results in meltdowns from DD after drop off.Money is extremely tight as XP has stopped all contributions.

The hardest things for me are not just losing my partner but also my best friend-well the person who I thought was my best friend.Worse still is receiving emails from Xp when it is blatantly obvious they have been written by her new partner.She also "mistakenly" copied new partner in ana email about DD and visits-it still makes my blood boil 3 weeks later.

I know I will get through this becasue as Mums we all have to but I feel like I am swimming through treacle.

Hi CT10 Yes, concentrating on myself and the DC. I read that webiste on midlife crisis very carefully too.

I realised that how I react is the only thing that I have control over. There is nothing I can do but get on with our lives without him. Take him out of the picture.

From a - if I ever want him back point of view- I think the only thing any of us can to is let them realise things slowly for himself. If they ever do.

What I keep saying to myself is, get better, live in the sunshine and go back to being the sunny me I am inside. H is more likely to question himself for wanting to lose me that way. My H can keep up the being disengaged for quite a while but anything I can do that shakes that will help me both ways. Even if he never realises and thinks "phew I got away with that, she didnt go psycho", the more seamlessly he becomes irrelevant to our happiness, the better we will be in the long run.

My H turned down the chance to spend the afternoon with our dc3 yesterday as he didnt think it was 'worth it' as he was an hour later then the agreed time. Nice. I cant be sure but I would bet a lot on the fact he spent the afternoon playing golf. Oh and the ow works there too so he may not have seen his dd but once again he showed his true selfish self. All he is seeing dc3 is them 4hrs on a Saturday. Not a lot and if it was me I would do ANYTHING to have that time with her.

Also we are not dressed or anything yet either. Planning on spending the day out of this house. Hate the fact my h drives past and sees that I am indoors. Feel like he is all oh thats ok she is at home again with the kids so I am determined to get out(have fun with the dc) and make him wonder!

Whoosh and WDYAT
We cross posted! I hear you.
I agree, H's are not thinking about all the things they going to miss out with the DC. perhaps it's not important to them. Perhaps they just want to dip in and dip out as fathers.

My H was my best friend too, we were friends for 7 years before we got together 14 years ago. It's a lifetime of loving someone, and the betrayal is worse. I know people change but usually you share the fact things are changing and change together.

H said to me before he left, when I said but we're best friends. Well I know you arent going to be my best friend now, that will have to change. He is losing more than a DW. He is losing the only person in his life he could rely on 100% to stick with him through thick and thin. He thinks he will be a bit alone and he will cope as he doesnt need anyone. He will be totally alone in the world now, even if he has/finds an OW.

I have enough other friends in RL who love me and the DC with me too. He has hardly anyone, What a lonely, shallow life he is choosing. I think the reality of that will hit him in about 2 years time when it is too late.

H is going to change and become someone different without me.

I brought out all the caring side in him and reminded him to think of others. I can see that he will revert to type, go shallower and start seeing girlfriends. He will live on the surface and live his life without any substance in it. I dont want to be around to see that, so I think it's better I dont know anything about his new life.