Husband left me on Sunday - please help me

[whereismumhiding]

This is long so sorry, but please can someone help me. My husband and I (both 38) have been together for 14 years, married 8, happily I thought as we get on, laugh with each other, we have lots in common and some differences and have had a share of bad arguements like most couples.

We have 3 gorgeous children 6, 4, and a baby of 1. I wrote a thread back on 28 Feb, as I was diagnosed with postnatal depression in Jan 09 after he left me for few days. He came back and he instigated us going to Relate, we went out together and had fun & our lives came back, but we have only done 6 weeks of sessions, when suddenly he announced Easter Sunday that he "cant do this anymore, doesnt want to try any more at saving our relationship, he doesnt love me & wasnt being fully honest in the relate sessions. He told me he had lied for past 2 months when he said to me that his feelings were coming back. He said he doesnt feel our relationship works fundamentally". It's so strange to hear him say this as I genuinely dont think that's really true (although I appreciate it's his views so is valid) but it feels like he is rewriting our lives together.

This is such a body blow to me. I am devastated beyond belief. He has even told children (the next day!!!) that he doesnt love mummy anymore, it was making him sad & that we're divorcing. He has left and is planning to buy a house/flat nearby (what with?!) rather than rent (how final is that?) He's calm about it all, tells me he doesnt hate me and appart from arguing today which he actually rang back and apologised for.

Can anyone give me any advice or support?
Will he change his mind and come back? My head tells me he's gone and I have to deal with that and it wont help to hold out hope but this is so out of charactor and I never imagined he would ever leave me/us. He's cutting me out of his life and just wants the kids (he plans to see them 2x week). What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to keep going? My friends are rallying around but I am in bits.

Missed that post about the hammer completely! Had 5month old bouncing on my knee, must have read and re read the thread about a million times trying to find what it was though..sorry blonde day .

My h is the same with his temper, mostly calm but when he looses it he really does.

Well I have had him here this evening he rang on way round to see if I wanted a bottle of wine . Tried so hard not to ask about the ow and did quite well. He just said that whatever happens he will always care about me if he ends up with her or someone else. Then quickly turned into him getting ump with me as he thinks I am laughing about him?? Oh yeah because its all sooo fucking funny! He was really grumpy after that. Stupid bastard. Gotta see him again tommorow as dropping dc of with him. I have had locks changed and he asked for a key. Er no. Then as he has to pick dc1 up from school and it might be easier if I do incase he gets here early. Er NO. Just said to him there is no reason for him to have a key but he wouldnt let it drop. Told him that I am looking forward to a great weekend with the dc and that also made him start questioning what I am upto. Said I might meet up with some friends and his reply was 'what to snog men in nightclubs'!Think its getting to him!

Sorry, not a thread hijack just needed a rant! Yes it is becoming a lifeline for me too. You all give me strength to be the strong person that I need to be, hearing that your all standing up to your h's makes me too. Silly really as all my friends and family been telling me the same for ages!

silverlining, must admit to having feelings about getting my h home again but then realise I actually like being on my own now. Sorry if typing bit off dd whacking keyboard!

ok i am bad bad bad woman. Just chekce dinto h's email account (i still know the pasword) and he has several emails this evenign from dating websites he has registered with.

Already.

I feel sick :-(

And yes I know I am bad bad person for reading his emails

No you aren't bad. I see it as self defense. Being clued into the whole picture helps you sort your own and your dc's future better. He's not going to be honest so you can't depend on him to give you an accurate snapshot.

Now I am really really bad. I would go in there and change his details to say things like "looking for tranny fun with barely legal boys". Then I would get some popcorn and put my feet up.

But I really am a bitch.

Pramspotter, I would do the same.

But I am also a bitch.

Vive la Bitches!!!!

Loving your style Pramspotter!!!

The you get some tranny gear and gay sex toys ordered and arrange to have them delivered at his place of work. The box will be unmarked so he may very well open it in front of colleagues.

You can get these trick pamphlets that get sent to your intended victim. It says things like "masturbator addicts anonymous" and "STD sufferers unite" all over the envelope etc.

The fun you can have. Until he kicks your ass about it and calls that cops that is.

Silverlining I dont think you're a bad person reading his emails.

He doesnt have a right to privacy right now, given what he is doing to you. You have a right to know for you and your DC just who you married.

Dont fret about him going off with someone else. He'll go out on a few dates to keep himself busy. Whoever he meets would be crazy to get involved with him, so either it will be some silly shallow cow (then they'll deserve each other) or someone who will realise he's an arse given how quickly he's contacting the dating agencies after walking out on his family.

Whatever he does right now, isnt going to end well because it's all so quick and disrespectful.

Let him get on with it. You are better than this and you do not want someone who is so incredibly shallow and one dimensional.

He may change back in the future to the man you knew, but right now, really girl - would you touch him with a bargepole???

You dont feel this at the moment, but you are the lucky one now. It's better to know what he is like underneath- like a window into him. You have the respect and love of your DC, your friends and keep calm as you will weather it.

We're here doing this together. I'm in the same boat, my previously darling H isnt who he was and I dont like this new shallow man. I would NEVER marry him, had I met him now and I cant imagine any nice woman would touch him. So what he gets, he deserves. He can ruin his own life all by himself.

I can hope at some point H comes to his senses and realises that the only thing making him unhappy is himself - he cant run away from that. Or I can move on and live a brilliant life with my gorgeous DC. I'm going to take it as it comes and not look too far ahead as I dont know what will happen, But whatever happens will be for a reason.

Because honey we mums know what life is about, love, companionship, honesty, fun, faithfulness, but most of all children. These men will never get those years or the respect from everyone around them back.
Our men are damaging their characters. Feel sorry for them going down the dark path.
You can stay in the sunshine without him.

That's what's keeping me going. I keep imagining myself bathed in sunshine with my gorgeous DC. I'm lapping up every precious moment with them ad it lifts my heart.

My middle DD (age 4, reception year) had her first assembly this morning. H clearly hadnt even read the parentmail alerts. He rarely turns up for school events and didnt this morning (not that I expected it). Look what he missed, our daughter's first assembly- she was so cute and there was this little wiggly duck dance. And she spoke her lines beautifully.

Precious precious memories.

H wasting his life missing out on these kind of things. He'd rather be at work or living in his own place alone. Mummy and DC3 (baby) watched her. DD will know over the years who she wanted & had there for her.

I couldnt walk away from my DC even for a day, so I dont understand how he wants to live his life. And I dont care. Idiot. He doesnt realise his life is pointless now but he will when he is ill old and alone and with someone he can never know will stay with him through thick and thin.

pramspotter you've a nicely wicked mind . I bet H will miss your inventiveness. It'll be hard to find someone like you again, so he'll have to downtrade !!!

You make me feel so much better WIMH - I glad you're in a better place now.

Glad the first assembly went well - how could he want to miss that !

WIMH - thank you so much for your post - you know its amazing how some simple words can lift your day - thank you.

And for all those naughty beatches who'd do those wicked wicked things - oh how I wish I had the guts!!!!! Fabulous!!!!

Actually H and I are still married, probably because he knows what I am like. Actually, he is even more of a wicked prankster. I'd be terrified to dump him LOL.

I bet that he would secretly send an email out from my email address telling everyone at work that I am getting a sex change and asking everyone to ask no further questions...just insist on addressing me as "Jerome", and remind me to use the men's toilets.

pramspotter ah yes I remember now. Sorry I forgot for a moment. Your H sounds great.

See Silverlining CT10 and other MNs, there are brilliant men out there.
We just ended up with duff ones. They might not have been at the start but they're duff now. It's sad that they changed, but boy arent you glad you know that right now?

I dont know why I am in a better place. I just think about what is important to me- my DC being well adjusted and feeling safe. The thought of living through a great deal of pain with a H who didnt want to be here and "wasnt happy" with all these wonderful things we have in our life, well, that would have been too destructive for us. So I'd rather he went. If he cant think straight and cant appreciate what is infront of him, then he's not much added value. The relationship is what you make it, and if you're not a team player, then you're never going to make a good relationship - you're just going to be a taker from the other person.

I hope that my H will sort out his head and somehow change back into the man I loved. But I'm not desperate anymore because if he never does, he is no loss to me how he is. I'd rather someone else have to put up with him.

I can tell you what I am really enjoying this week - the house smells MUCH better !!! The bathroom is sweet and lovely. My bedding also stills smells fresh and yummmy and NOT AT ALL SWEATY!!!
I dont have to do all his laundry. I can put all his junk in the loft and start changing my house to how I want it. I might even paint a room purple rather than bloody beige. I dont have to share the TV control. I dont even have to have the TV on each evening. I dont have to cook meals for him each evening and clean up the kitchen after he's made himself a "snack". No one farts when I leave the room and lets me innocuously come back into a gas chamber!

I'm obviously having a good day today.
I know I will have my bad days when I'm grieving for the husband I knew and loved.
But I keep telling myself that he's gone now and no matter what I do, he's not coming back.

It's hard not to enjoy life with little DCs as they are so funny and so full of life. And so involving. Every day with them is a gift. H is missing out on all of this. So I think I got the better deal.

Here here WIMH, and so say all of us

i am so sorry to have read your story

stupid arsehole
x

WIMH - that made me LOL about the farts - H had great habit of letting rip any time he felt like it - and it was vile! And know what you mean about the house being sweet smelling and the bathroom not turning in to a tidal wave with scurf when he has a shower or bath! Oh and my personal favorite - being able to snuggle up in fragrant sheets of lavender etc without some annoying little rod poking me in the base of my spine (his idea of foreplay)

Oh yes this is catharsis indeed!!

I posted on another thread because my husband left me yesterday- I can't do links sorry.

If anyone can help me make any sense please could you look at my thread and just post a reply? I feel like Iam dying.

Thank you so much.

Fadingaway's thread

xx

Hi MNs
Well I spent some of yesterday evening crying, sad that the H I loved so dearly has gone. I do miss who he was and our shared lives together as a family. I am devastated that he wants to throw all that away and all our hopes and dreams we had together. We could have continued to have such a fantastic life. What was the point of what he did? It was the height of selfish interest.

He is starting to be more reasonable in terms of money. He is going to give me £400 more than the mortgage this month, so DC and I have enough to pay the bills and buy some food. (!!!)

I'm taking the tactic of not being the enemy. I think the more reasonable and fair he can see I am being, the more reason he has to develop doubts. I also suspect he will miss the DC more than he can conceieve. I hope he might start missing me when things settle down in his head. After all I AM lovely and funny and kind hearted.

But, I cant control what he is doing and the choices he is making. All I can do is get on with living my life with the DC and try to be as happy as I can be. I keep thinking "stay in the sunshine", go back to being me again. Let all the hurt and anger go, as I might find some peace that way.

Then whatever happens, I will decide at the time what is best for me and the children. And it wont be about what is best for him, as he is clearly able to think about himself and only himself enough. I need to refocus on us and let him destroy his own life if that's what he wants to do. He wont take us down with him. He is very niave to think that everything will stay the same, him popping into see the kids whenever and us living round the corner from wherever he rents/buys.

I'm free to take the DC where ever I want to. Anywhere in the country that we fancy.

I have no plans to move at the moment, as we like it here. But it is expensive to live here. I could get the same house for much less money somewhere else. And we could live in the West Country which is somewhere I used to live and love. And the kids would have a more relaxed way of life.

We have a great network of friends here and I like the schools and area. So whilst it suits us and it's working I will stay.
But if it becomes too painful for me, then I can move down the line, if it seems a good idea for the DC too.

OK, I'm probably never going to move. But it helps me to see I have control of my life & can imagine doing something previously impossible (we could never have moved far away from the M4 corridor/London due to his job, BUT my job I can do anywhere!!). That what ever he envisages, he doesnt have control of me or the DC anymore.

I like the idea that H will understand at some point the reality of his situation. That by leaving us, he's leaving our new lives open to being built without reference to him - if that is what is right for us.

i like your thinking, well done

wmih, you're doing so well!! I can't believe how far you've come in a matter of days. You need to make sure you save this thread so you can look back on all this in a few months or years when your lives are permanently sunny and be so proud of yourself.

WIMH - we'd love to have you back in the west country!!!! :-)

fadingaway - do come on here and vent with us - its been so good for me!

I'm very proud to say last night and today I had H practically begging to come and spend some time with me with a view to some action (he really does only think with his prick) and I was able to happily decline leaving him a tad miffed and very frustrated - mean of me I know but I laughed my head off at his begging "pleeeeeease....." Two weeks ago I would have (and did I am ashamed to say) caved in and let him have what he wanted in the hope he'd come rushing home. I realise now that isn't going to happen and I have so much more exciting things that can happen in my life!

WIMH - thanks again for letting us all hijack your thread like this x