For all mothers of sons here are my handy cut out and keep tips on how to be a great mother in law, every one genuinely gleamed from YOUR threads!

[Slambang]

To avoid the need for any more vitriolic MIL threads where poor misguided mothers of men are clearly going horribly wrong, I thought I would collate all your helpful rules for mother in laws into a single thread. Please feel free to add your own.

Note: These tips are based on my many years of arduous research reading Mumsnet.

Before the birth

1. You may not tell dil that she looks tired or that her bump is growing. To dil this means you look like a big fat frump and not good enough for my darling ds.
2. You may not tell dil she looks great. You are clearly not appreciating how tired and heavy she is feeling.
3. You may NOT TOUCH DIL?s BUMP. EVER.

After the birth

1. You may not expect to be invited to see the new baby on the day its born. Or the day after. Or the day after that. If you are lucky you may be allowed to pop in briefly (with presents) on about the 4th day when the REAL grandparents have gone.
2. You may not comment that the baby looks like ds at that age. You are clearly not acknowledging that the baby is perfect, beautiful and just like dil.
3. You may not bring as presents baby clothes (you clearly disapprove of dil?s baby style - how can she be expected to dress her pfb in that?), nappies (you disapprove of dils plans to use washables), bottles/ steriliser (HOW DARE YOU?).
4. You may just be allowed to buy an expensive pram but only if this has not been bagsied as a present to be given by the real grandparents.

Growing grandchildren

1. You may not help out at dil?s house. This is INTERFERING and implies she is not doing a good job.
2. You may not visit dil?s house and expect to be fed a meal or any change in her pfb?s routine. She can?t just drop everything ? she has a baby, you know.

10. You may not pick up or otherwise hold pfb. This is disturbing and upsetting for all concerned and undermines dil?s parenting skills. 11. You may not buy extravagant gifts for pfb. This spoils pfb and undermines dil?s carefully planned regime of carrot sticks as rewards. 12. You may not buy cheapskate reduced items or pass on manky hand me downs to pfb. You clearly don?t value his/her unique wonderfulness enough. 13. You may not give pfb an affectionate nickname or otherwise abbreviate his/her (six syllabled pompous) given name. You do not have the right. 14. You may not expect to be visited on Mothers Day. You are no longer a REAL mother, you are now a mother in law. This does not count. 15. You may not chastise or in any way show any disapproval of pfb?s atrocious behaviour; whilst you may also not let pfb ?get away with murder? when you are kindly given permission to babysit. 16. Above all even if you forget all the other rules - the one golden rule. You may not pass comment or judgement, have any opinion or experience of any aspect of childcare. It will only end in tears.

please add your own.

Oh God it doesn't say that in the book does it? A friend of MIL's bought that for her . And I think she does feel a bit that way. It doesn't help that we live 400 miles away from them and only 100 miles from my parents, and see them less often.

Very funny OP.

It doesn't say that she is of no esteem or value - just that number one granny should take precedence. I don't think my mum knew it said that when she bought the book - she just read a review and thought it might be a nice gift for mil to celebrate their new granny status.

my mum never knew my children so MIL their only granny. it is a tricky dynamic though, developing a relationship with a woman who you don't know [in my case whose language you don't speak very well] and giving her the sam e 'rights' to your children that you would your own mother. Of course they should have the same rights, it is just perhaps less easy.

its so accurate but I'm working hard to train my DSs to be good judges of character and avoid the women who would take this stance as they are clearly too selfish to be good wives.

at quinnes future DILs who will decide that she has always been too controlling

doubtless and I'll think their mother brought them up to be little princesses and its high time they grew up!

Imo the mil-from-hell in the making are those with the strongest and most intransigent opinions on child-rearing - there are few of those on mumsnet (you know you are) - if you are also mothers of dss beware!

Spot on, LilianGish. It's not as if the women on here are all floaty, easy going types who just think 'oh, whatever' about various aspects of parenting.

Nor do they hold back in expressing these views! Good luck to them when they become grandparents and are considered to be outdated and interfering.

Errr... I am, morris. I tend to think 'o whatever' about most things.

Well my 6yo DS says he's only going to get married when he's 50 , so I will have full license to misbehave as I will be over 80 and a cranky old granny by then!!

Loved the OP - makes us think a bit about what kind of dils we are, rather than other way around. I know a few dils from hell, the kind who won't let grandparents touch DC without sterilizing hands first, wearing face masks, I kid you not.

I think if you just behave like a normal person and don't try to impose your child rearing preferences and ideas on your DIL or any other grown up for that matter, don't make nasty comments or interfere, you should be absolutely fine as a MIL.

I don't think DILs expect their MILs not to be part of their lives - I just think they can feel it's their turn to be parents now without interference.

I'm not convinced that there's anything wrong with that.

I only want to have

1. Please don't let your DGD watch CSI especially when it has woman being sexually assulted.

1. Please don't give DGC them Diet Coke all the time, it does keep them up at night as they don't have Gin in it like you.

sorry DMIL I love you really and you have been a fabulous MIL, thankyou.

skramble, try a dash of rum in their coke instead - more palatable for kids

Interesting about the No1 Granny and the No2 Granny - I always felt much closer to my Mum's Mum than my Dad's Mum.

Funnily enough, I prefer my mils ideas on childraising then my own mum's, however much I love my mother (she was a great mother, but very intense while mil has a more laid-back approach).

We live close to both and see them often; I think DCs are equally close to both, just do different things with each, which is cool.

at Gin and Coke!

Very funny etc etc but I am horrified by many of the MIL (and mother) tales I hear on here - even allowing for exaggeration some of the are completely out of order!

I would like to add though than many of the DIL's problems actually lie with their DHs - who if they would communicate better with their wives and mothers could sort most of the misunderstandings/rows etc in a jiffy.

It is all men's fault! Of course!

When DH trys to say something to MIL he gets emotional (sp) blackmail

Poor lamb

I think it's a good idea to try to find a potential wife for your ds who is an orphan or from a miserable home. The problem arises when a girl has got her own perfectly decent mother and mil is rendered superfluous.

My own mil has eliminated all three rival grannies, leaving the way clear for her to be Granny No. 1. Unfortunately though she has only ever been interested in one person - herself.

Agree with charity girl. I'm not sure if men being passive is the cause of the MIL/DIL disputes, or it's that women aren't passive enough and are overinclined to interfere in each others lives and not have enough hobbies.
My MILs in both marriages have been fine, but then they've not lived that near to us, and have had enough interests of their own not to expect to be living through me and their grandchildren. Most communication with them has also been done through my husbands, maybe it's when the husbands stop communicating with their parents, or the DIL takes over communicating with the inlaws than the problems start. Plus some families are just disfunctional and enmeshed, natural or inlaw.

this is why i am planning on keeping ds with me forever! making sure he is one of those wierd men that have their trousers pulled up to their nipples and trail after their aged mothers, pulling the shopping trolley along for her.

Hate to disillusion you all but my brother is gay and he is crap, crap, crap with my Mum and his partner doesn't give her the time of day. They didn't even get her a card on mother's day and left it to my sister and me who both have dcs. (My mum has no problem with my brother being gay btw and has known he's gay since childhood).

PS I love my mil!

Help

I love my mil and we get on great. I read threads on here but this has just terrified me as I (will) have 3 sons. What have I done?

Shit, this is depressing. Just as well DS hates girls and is staying with me for ever and never getting married.

My son is already fairly independant. If he marries a lass who is equally independant I will think that that is great.
I don't want thim to feel he has to constantly visit me and fuss over me when he's an adult. He's already talking about living in Japan. I think that's great.
Your children grow up and flee the nest. That's a good thing. Some of the women on here do sound a bit self absorbed and lacking in interests.
I think being any sort of grandparent you have to be flexible, and accept you aren't the number 1 woman in your son's life any more and that the parents are the main ones who make decisions about their grandchildren, and the nuclear family unit doesn't contain them. Most grannies who don't expect the world to revolve around them seem to be fine.

Having had a previously nasty MIL (she's since reformed thanks to DH being assertive with her), I don't think many of you understand that some MILs can be an utter misery to deal with - you're very lucky. Yes, it doesn't help that some women on here may have made minor complaints as parodied on the OP but I know from experience that horrible-acting MILs do exist.

Mothers of sons - just raise them to be independent and loving, loyal to their wives and don't view DIL as the enemy. Don't interfere in their relationship and don't be offended if DIL doesn't confide everything in you. Your relationship with your DS or even DD will change as they get older, but that doesn't mean that they love you any less.